A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating this guy for 5 months, he doesn't like me to have any contact with my ex, even texting because his ex cheated on him with her ex. I don't talk to my ex very often, he text me once in a while to see how I'm doing and that's the end of it. Is my boyfriend being reasonable, and should I do something about it?On top of that, whenever I'm online, he afraid that I would talk to other guys and get upset over that. I like him, but I can't stand having someone trying to control the way I am and the way I live, what should I do???
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male
reader, burton89  +, writes (2 November 2010):
i completely agree with your boyfriend....why in the first place woul you want to talk to an ex they are an ex obviously something went wrong and he is an ex for a reason but yea your boyfriend is being extremely reasonable in not wanting you to have cotact with an ex
A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (22 August 2008):
 I would say your guy is in the wrong here. If you and your ex only say hi now n then and ask how each other are, there is nothing wrong with that and your boyfriend cant expect to bring his ex baggage into this relationship. Its a dangerous thing to do. Its not your fault his ex cheated with her ex. As for the on line thing, once again its about trust. You should be able to walk into a room filled with 20/30 blokes and your partner should be trusting that you wont end up sleeping with one or more of them. Once again, his issues from the past getting in the way here. As long as you're not having secret meetings with the ex or getting up to no good on the net, then your guy needs to wise up, because he will drive you away eventually if he cant trust you.
I would go for some couple counselling. Me and an ex did that, just one session, because he was a jealous guy.
Give it a go.
C xxxx
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A
male
reader, SamuraiRick +, writes (22 August 2008):
 I'm sorry but I overlooked an important part of your question. At one point you revealingly say you "Like" him...not "Love" him... Clearly you are not on the same playing field here. If "Like" is all you have for him than clearly the commitment isnt there. That being the case you have my blessings and can screw around with any other guy you want. When you can change "Like" to "Love" then we are talking commitnent. Remember to always use protection, even if its with your ex.
Ciao!
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A
male
reader, SamuraiRick +, writes (22 August 2008):
Okay, honey, I will do something different here. I will take both sides of the coin and give you two answers. You choose the one that sounds more reasonable to you.
Answer number one….the Answer you want to hear. Your boyfriend is full of crap. He has no right to tell you who you should talk or anything. Who is he anyway? He’s not your husband. He’s not your father. He is just a guy you sleep with and are occasionally nice to. He should demand no more from you than the privilege to be called your boyfriend for the moment. That’s right for the moment. Because you can do better and you keep your options open even if you seem to be happy with him. He does not own you. You can do whatever you want because YOU say so. He’s your boyfriend and he shouldn’t see or talk to any other girls but that’s the way it should be. You do what you want, and he is under your control. So you put him in his place and tell him to shove it. If you want to chat with other boys online he can’t stop you. If you want to talk chat or even have sex with your ex, he has no say. You are the one in control of your body, sister. He’s only your boyfriend, and you are not his slave.
That’s what you want to hear right?
Now let’s see how he would want us to answer you.
If you are girlfriend and boyfriends it means you are committed and in love. It may not be written on paper, but it’s a contract anyway you look at it. Part of that contract means you are exclusive to each other…unless you have an open relationship, and that would be something to discuss. But I think that’s not the case. When you are boyfriend/girlfriend you don’t talk to your ex’s. It may be harmless but it just doesn’t look good…and as you can see it hurts him. Why would you want to hurt him? Of course he is not your master and you are not slave to him. But if you have made the conscious decision to be his exclusively which is what being boyfriend/girlfriends means, than you have to honor that commitment or get out. It’s your choice of course. It’s debatable whether chatting online is cheating, but if you are in anyway contacting your ex, that is a no-no. Your ex should be off limits for reasons he clearly has some firsthand experience with. This is not about jealously. It’s about the seriousness of your commitment. If you are truly committed to him… honor, love and respect him, then removing your ex off your phone should have been done a long time ago. It’s like quitting smoking but carrying a pack of cigarettes on you all the time. He doesn’t want to see you give in to the temptation of your ex. Ex’s do have a way of sneaking back in to our lives and often breaking up relationships. It happens! That is why he is fearing your contact with him.
What you should do is compromise with him. Stop any contact with your ex…even if its just text. You can negotiate with him on the online friends, as long as it’s not cyber-sex we are talking here. He doesn’t have to look over your shoulder when you are online, and you shouldn’t let him. But at least hear him when he is asking you to cool it with your ex. He has a point there. If this is something you can’t live with then you should reconsider how much you are committed to your boyfriend. If you ever marry your commitment has to be even stronger. Things to think about.
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A
female
reader, caraduddy +, writes (22 August 2008):
 I can understand where he is coming from, having being cheated on before. Reasure him you wont cheat, he may relax abit more let him know he can trust you. Everyone gets jelous. Its because he cares so much :). But yeah. If your ex boyfriend means alot to you to speek to, Have a chat with your current boyfriend.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2008): Sweetie Peatie...Yes your boyfriend is being unreasonable, and I'm affraid that if you don't watch it, the controlling behavior will only increase until you do something to stop it. Some of my bestfriends are males, but my husband trust me, and knows me well enough to know that is as far as it goes. Granted, I have never been in contact with any of my ex'es, not to say that it's unhealthy. Try talking to your BF, and explain thay just because his ex cheated, dosen't mean that you will. Best of luck Sugar Booger!!
~~The GabberJack
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (22 August 2008):
Yes, your boyfriend is being reasonable in not wanting you to talk to your ex or any other guys. Maybe I'm totally blind to the reason why people even stay in contact with their ex's, but I never see the point. I see it this way: a boyfriend is a friend that you have a deeper emotional connection with, along with having sex. Therefore, when two people break up, they are no longer friends. If I don't want to be friends with someone anymore, I certainly don't want to talk to them or care about how they're doing.
Anyway, maybe his jealousy goes further than what you stated. Because from what you said, it sounds to me that you're giving him reasons to be suspicious or up to something. Respect the fact that he's been hurt and is going to have trouble trusting you because of his ex. I think a lot of people would have trouble trusting someone they're with if they keep in contact with an ex or going online to chat with guys...there's just no reason for it. Figure out who your loyalty belongs to. Do you still randomly respond to your ex's texts because you're just being nice or because you still have feelings? If it's just out of being nice, choose to be nice to your current boyfriend, there's a reason why your ex didn't make it to your future.
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A
male
reader, pursuit of happiness +, writes (22 August 2008):
No offence but your boyfriend sounds likes he's being a bit of a loser. Guys who are very possessive and jealous are either suffering from a serious lack of confidence or have a very immature, chauvinistic attitude to controlling and possessing women. I have a couple of ex-girlfriends who I am still in contact with and occasionally meet up with. My wife is not overtly jealous and although I might have occasionally flirted with my ex’s a bit, I have never cheated on my wife. She too has an ex boyfriend she sometimes meets up with. In my opinion this whole cheating concept is immature, if you don’t want someone to look or go elsewhere you have to work hard to keep them, not work hard to control them. It’s like the Aesop’s fable about the wind and the sun trying to get a man’s jacket off, force just doesn’t work.
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