A
female
age
30-35,
*eef95
writes:Am I in the wrong ?After recently starting uni I made a small group of three male friends whom I worked on an assessment with and we automatically became friends. We are all older than the normal uni starting age so its nice to have someone on the same wave length.after the success of our assessment grade where we achieved an A we suggested that we should go for a lunch time drink to celebrate. the three males and myself are all in long term relationship's. when telling my partner that I was going for a drink with a group of uni friends he eruputed he went crazy. called me everything under the sun accused me of cheating the lot !! I stood my ground and explained that they are my friends I will be around for the next 3 years ! I went for this lunch time drink and planned to get the train home at around 7. My partner turned up where I was and insisted I left immediately he demanded I told him where I was and we spent the whole night arguing about it.now its nearly the end of the academic year and one of them have suggested going for a drink in the easter break. I want to go. I get on well with them and they are really the only group of friends I have created and vise verssa for them because we all commute so have a lot in common. should I go? am I in the wrong for going? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2017): I guess the situation with your boyfriend goes beyond just having male-friends and going out for a drink with a group of colleagues. I still don't agree with kicking people to the curb before you exhaust every possible solution (abuse being the exception); knowing that when you took this person on, you saw some red-flags. Yet more than a year or so later, you're still with him.
Jealousy manifests in many different ways; and aggressive behavior does not show-up strictly for one particular reason or isolated situation. He seems to be domineering and openly demonstrates his aggression. Be that the case, he should be gone. Long gone.
I believe your boyfriend has a bunch of issues and you have dismissed them up until you met some people you now want to spend more time with.
I think you need an escape, and finally you feel safe; because you've felt bullied and intimidated by him. You have realized that you need an additional male-presence in your life, to counter his aggression. Thus an attempt to be more inclusive went down like a lead balloon.
The unfortunate thing about giving advice, is not hearing but one side of a story. So it's easy to take a one-sided description of a person; and jump to a number of unsubstantiated conclusions. We can only go by what the OP says. Often a mountain of details are left out, and a back-story would give a totally different opinion or response from everyone offering the writer advice.
Any aggressive or demanding behavior is unacceptable. Then the question is, why is this guy so adamant about you not having male friends? Why this particular group of men, and not all men? Certainly this isn't the only thing this man goes batsh*t about. He must be crazy on many levels; but this is the one area you can't or won't compromise on. I never have a one-dimensional view-point on a situation. I like to look at things from different perspectives and give everyone some benefit of the doubt.
I would say the advice to dump him is the only solution if his behavior is controlling, and he's a volatile bully. Not having enough details, all anyone can do is presume the guy is a total assh*le and insanely jealous. Being that the case, why is he still your boyfriend?
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (9 February 2017):
 Please don't allow him to control you like this!
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (9 February 2017):
 You can make all the excuses for him you like, but that doesn't make his behaviour in any way acceptable by any normal standards.
It isn't your problem. It is his. And you are not his health professional. It isn't your job to try and fix him.
He has to first realise he has a problem and then seek the appropriate help for it.
You do see what his behaviour could lead to don't you? It is only a step away.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2017): Your boyfriend is insecure, maybe because he was cheated on once in the past. Lots of the females here abouts say "well leave him then." Maybe you love the guy....Do you? Do you just say "I'm going? Or do you say please come and go with me. He'd trust you more. The problem is that all three of those friends each have a penis, and lots of guys believe that there ain't no such thing as friends between a guy and a girl. That there's always a flirtatous/sexual thing going on underneath. Frankly, I think you need to find out if he was ever cheated on, and if he has been, you've got some real problems. Getting trust from him will be very hard.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (9 February 2017):
 There's a term for Girls who think it's OK to mix other sex friends and alcohol. It's called single.
You should have and enforce your own sensible boundaries.
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A
female
reader, reef95 +, writes (8 February 2017):
reef95 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you everyone for your replies and responses.
the suggestion of us all going with our partners for a drink has been raised and ive told him that he would really get on well with them but that went down like a led balloon.
thanks again!!
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 February 2017):
 Go. And dump your aggressive and controlling and abusive boyfriend. How dare he accuse you of cheating, and who is he to demand you tell him where you are at all times? You're not 5 years old and he is not your father. Nor does he own you.
Cheezes, lady. You need to leave this guy, he sounds like nothing but trouble and headaches.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2017): Why can't all the girlfriends of all these guys and your boyfriend be included? It's not you he doesn't trust, it's a group of men in a drinking situation.
No, he had no right showing up and making a scene like a jealous fool. No, you don't need his permission to go out; nor to be told who you can and cannot go out with. If he had been properly introduced, and gotten to know the guys; he may not have behaved so badly.
Being his girlfriend, it is your responsibility to choose situations that your mate is comfortable with, all the same.
Which means, when the situation is reversed; it wouldn't bother you either.
Hold-up here everybody. Every-time a man stands-up for something, he isn't controlling and doesn't deserve to be kicked to the curb. However; no man has any right to get up in your face yelling and making demands as though you're a child or his property. That's the part that gets me.
I think this guy might be crazy jealous, because his overreaction is not just his discomfort; but he takes it over the top by blowing-up about it.
Work it out. Let him get to know the fellas, and take it from there.
Demand an apology to you and your friends for his behavior.
Have a drink to friendship, on him!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2017): He had no right to turn up and demand you to go home, I would have told him to beep off and leave! I would have never have left with him. I think you should consider breaking up because you don't want to spend your life like that, my ex was the same that's why I dumped him! I have a lovely fiancé now who would never act like that, I have a lot of male friends who I hang out with he doesn't care.., because he's normal and trusts me
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (8 February 2017):
 There's a term for your boyfriend. It's called batshit crazy.
I'm surprised you're asking us if you should go out with your friends when you really should be looking at breaking up with this nutcase immediately, if not sooner.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2017): He has an obsessively jealous personality. He will only be happy to keep you at home because wherever you work in the future there is bound to be male workers next to you and that will be enough to cause outbursts like you described. If you want peace of mind I strongly advise you to get rid of him. He will never change.
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (8 February 2017):
 After reading your last post he sounded quite controlling, this guy has SERIOUS ISSUES.You're so young, you're at uni- guess what you have FRIENDS. People that want to go out with you, your uni males/ females want to KNOW you because they like you. You're clearly a great girl to make friends so easily and you have your WHOLE LIFE AHEAD OF YOU.Stop thinking of yourself as weak and powerless... you're just enabling him to treat you like this. Life isn't always easy and its going to be hard breaking up with him- but you're really doing yourself some serious damage staying with him.No relationship should make you cry, and anxious all the time. There's always consolations, glimmers of light in bad situations, but you need to look past these. HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU. HE IS A NASTY BULLYING, PSYCHOTIC CONTROL FREAK. You know what psychotic people do?? They MANIPULATE others into making themselves seem loving, good because they have no conscience deceiving others, and tapping into others weaknesses, for their own mad satisfaction...Please wake up and cut this abuse out of your life. He doesn't deserve a minute more of your time.
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A
male
reader, Phil052 +, writes (8 February 2017):
 Can you imagine a lifetime of his jealousy every time you speak to a member of the opposite sex? I can't believe his infantile behaviour or. The lack of trust he has in you. Definitely meet up with your friends and tell him you want to keep their friendship. I would seriously re-assess this relationship. I meet up with female friends I studied with regularly, and sometimes we stay overnight together as a group. My wife has no problem with this, because she trusts me. He needs to grow up....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 February 2017):
 For me, that would be a no-no too. (his behavior that is).
YOU should be able to have lunch or a drink in the daytime with a male friend or 3.
Would it be nice if you all went out WITH partners so they can all meet each other, sure? Expect... I wouldn't bring a guy like your BF to that because he would create drama.
If you have NEVER given him doubts or any reason to NOT trust you, he has no leg to stand on.
I don't think he has ANY right to dictate your social life at all.
And you have 3 more years of studies ahead, can you imagine not being "allowed" to hang out with these guys because your BF is insecure? So you should isolate yourself and not make new friends or only female friends according to him?
And then what? If you get a job in a company with more males than females again you should isolate yourself so your BF doesn't have to worry? Is that what he is doing?
Sorry, I would not be OK with this. I have always had a lot of males friends throughout school/college and I NEVER cheated on my (at the time BF) with any of them. I never got romantically involved with any of my friends. And I would have resented the implication that I can't "control" myself around certain people.
I can only see your BF's behavior getting worse. He regards you as totally incapable of having friends of the opposite gender.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (8 February 2017):
This is controlling behavior. You have the right to your own friends. If you want to go drinking with male friends that is your right. Tell him to knock it off or to move on. And ignore all the letters on here from married women and coupled women asking for advice on what to do because they somehow found themselves in bed with their male best friend. Or the friend from work after a few drinks. It couldn't possibly happen to you.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (8 February 2017):
 Break up.
Your boyfriend sounds insane. On what planet would his behaviour be acceptable? Completely out of line and controlling.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (8 February 2017):
 He turned up where you were and insisted that you left immediatelY ?.... And you spent the whole night arguing about it ?!...
Seriously ?! ..Because , there was nothing to argue about ,IMO. In the sense that , as for me, a partner who had pulled this kind of stunt on me , - he would have been demoted to EX partner on the spot.
Yes, it's THAT serious. I agree with Denizen. Total dealbreaker.
I realize that carrying on a relationship implies making allowances, tolerating flaws, at times putting up with a partner's insecurities, because he/ she is only himan.... but,- up to a point and no furher. He is your bf, not your master or owner. HE is wrong. And you will be wrong too if you let him push you around this way.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (8 February 2017):
 He is feeling a bit insecure and he like everyone knows that going out for drinks can end up in a bit more than an innocent evening with friends. Why not ask him to join you and/or meet the male friends you want to go out with?
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (8 February 2017):
Lady, his behaviour is totally unacceptable. You aren't property, you aren't even married - not that that should make a difference.
I think this is a deal breaker. You cannot live your life under someone's thumb. It is controlling and it is wrong, wrong, wrong.
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