A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Rcently my boyfriend gave me his facebook password because he had been flirting with girls and ex girlfriends in the past and it drove a wedge between us. We got over that after I deactivated my facebook so I couldn't see what he was doing and so didn't argue with him. That was a year ago. He recently gave me his password because he wanted to show me how much he has 'improved'and how I can trust him again. So I checked his facebook, it was all clean until I went into his search history and found that he had been searching up one of his ex girlfriends quite often. This was followed by a search for amateur porn things like 'girl stripping for her boyfriend' . Now I know that he watches porn and as much as I hate it, I do accept it BUT for him to be looking at pics of his ex and then watching porn afterwards? I don't know what to make of it. He might be looking at her pics to get aroused and then looking at porn afterwards because he doesn't want to disrespect her by jerking off over her pic. He once told me that he finds it disrespectful to jerk off to pictures of real girls and that it's okay with porn because 'they are hoes anyway'. Or alternatively he is just curious about what she is upto and so he searches for her most nights? Bit of background: this is the ex that he used to flirt with nearly everyday in the past. She is very curvy and chubby and when we first got together he always used to tell me that he prefers curvy and chubby girls and they turn him on. I am not chubby or very curvy, quite slim and tall and he has always made me feel like shit when it comes to my figure. He is a good boyfriend in all other areas and he tells me he has never loved anyone as much as he loves me and that he cant imagine his life without me but I honestly think that sexually he still desires his ex even though he doesn't love her anymore. I do send him pics but now I feel like they're not enough for him because he still needs to look up her pics. Oh and if it helps, he never slept with her whilst they were together. We're both virgins and saving it for marriage. I don't want to leave him because I love him too much. I spoke to him about it and he said he didn't 'touch himself' over her pics but he has no explanation as to why he looks at her pics late night. If I stay I will never trust him again. What do I do?
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both virgins, ex girlfriend, facebook, flirt, his ex, my figure, porn Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (13 February 2017):
 You turned out to be not the mug he took you for, and decided to cut and run. Thank heaven for the escape you've had.
You will need time to heal, but it will happen. In the meantime look after yourself; a few treats, perhaps lavish some beauty treatments on yourself - in fact anything which makes you feel good.
You might think about a few extra evening activities like a course in something, painting or dance for example.
I think given a little time you will find the right man because you will know better what to look for next time - and what to avoid.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2017): Well, you couldn't trust him anyway. Self-elimination works for me. If he decided to break it off, I think that was because he realizes you're not one to be fooled; and all that crap about abstinence he claims is probably a big lie too.
Sweetie, I know it hurts. It's better he broke it off, than continue lying to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey guys! Thank you all for kindly taking some time out to reply to my post, I really appreciate it! Thank you for the compliment @Goo and big hugs to you too! Oh and to the Anonymous Male trying to make puns out of my situation...seriously? I doubt you'd be finding it funny if it happened to you.So guys as most of you have rightly said I can't trust him at all so what is the point in even staying with him?So here's what happened: We had another chat about this and I said to him if doing those things is what he finds his happiness in then that's fine by me he can continue without me. In his response he deactivated his facebook and said he only needs and wants me in his life, no other girl. It turns out that 2 days later he reactivated his facebook- he couldn't even stick by his word! When I confronted him he got annoyed with me because 'I'm a psycho' and he doesn't want to 'come home to a psycho every night if we get married'. He then told me it's best if we go our separate ways as he can't handle my craziness. He ended us. My heart breaks to know that he left me for his fantasies of the ex girlfriend who used him then dumped him. I really love that guy but gosh was he selfish?! I don't even know how I'm going to trust the next guy who walks into my life - or if I'll even get over this one....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2017): I think that if you stay you are just going to resent him more and more, prolonging the inevitable.At this point, you have lost feelings for your boyfriend due to his actions. And rightly so. You are on guard around him. Not a good way to live.Even if you do love him, the love does lessen because of these actions. They are our defense mechanism kicking in, numbing ourselves to protect our hearts from being broken. So, you are pulling away. And in time, you will pull away more as you begin to resent him more and more. Nothing he does or says can convince you he does not care about his ex and that he is not fantasizing about her with the use of porn. You just won't believe him. No matter what. You have just seen for yourself that he was still on Facebook, still looking her up, and looking up porn. It makes you question his commitment to you and how much he loves you and is attracted to you.Sorry, but it shouldn't sit well with you. That your guy cannot behave. We should not have to control them or their actions. They need to do that willingly because they respect us and love us and would never want to do anything to hurt us or lose our relationship. When done in secret, it says a lot. He knows it is wrong but continues anyway and this is the problem. Guys watch porn. They fantasize. But about real life people? Ex girlfriends? That hits way harder. And it is hard for us women to know they fantasize and it always makes us feel insecure that they will find somebody more sexually exciting someday. I mean, we are in this long term relationship with them and they know our bodies. They have conquered us many times over. And we worry they will want to climb a new mountain. It is very stressful. But when your boyfriend actually does concrete stuff that point in that direction without it being just an insecurity or worry on your part, it's gotta sting.So, why put yourself through that?You need trust to feel safe and secure in a relationship or you cannot give all your love freely. You will always be holding back and have this wall built up around you to protect you from being hurt. You will not come together; you will fall apart.So, in that case, what would be the point of being in a relationship? Staying with a man you do not feel safe with?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2017): Everyone fantasizes, Reader Anon?
Everyone does not include me. That's because my boyfriend does it all for me. He's an amazing guy and amazing in bed. Nobody compares.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2017): Everyone fantasizes, both men and women, but looking at his ex's pics most nights and then watching porn would be a real turn off for me. It bothers you that he prefers a different body type and I don't blame you one bit. Most women want to be dating someone who likes their type. Women like to be complimented and told how pretty or sexy or nice they look. It's not shallow to want that. Does he do that for you? It makes us more turned on to the man. That's just a fact.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2017): If only we had the power to control the minds, desires, and memories of our partners. Would that really make us more secure? No, it would make us puppeteers; and our partners puppets.
The one thing we can never do is make people forget who they used to know. Nor can we stop them from missing people they knew or loved in their past. If you don't trust your boyfriend, perhaps it is best to get one you can.
Your situation is unique in the fact he never slept with his ex. So technically he's not really cheating. There never was any sex involved. I am assuming abstinence is for religious reasons. However; pornography would definitely cancel-out pious obedience. It's difficult to tell if a guy is, or isn't, truly a virgin. You can only take his word for it.
If he is choosing celibacy until marriage, I'm not sure what your worries are; and I'm not sure why he isn't being honest about looking her up? Viewing her pictures is creepy, but it's also sentimental.
Being sneaky about doing things makes him untrustworthy; and you should think seriously whether this is a deal-breaker for you.
I agree with everything the anonymous male reader says. Everyone has an imaginary fantasy-figure we consider the perfect mate; but reality chooses what we really want and need.
If you are too insecure about his feelings towards his ex, then it be best that you do leave. What's the point if you don't trust him?
Don't spy, just be straightforward and tell him that it makes you upset and uncomfortable that he is lying; and he is secretly searching for his ex. That betrays your trust, and your relationship will not survive without it. If he values your trust; be honest if he just wants to know how she's doing. Do not agree to him maintaining regular contact with her; he may as well go to her, and let you be.
Inform him straightaway that sneaking behind your back to do it means he shouldn't be trusted. You will breakup with him if he doesn't show you the respect you deserve. You do not approve of him looking up old girlfriends if he wants to be with you.
All that nonsense about curves and such is strictly your insecurity and jealousy, it has nothing to do with how he feels about you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2017): Hi there, Sending big hugs to you. I have had somewhat similar situations to yours on 2 occasions with 2 different guys. The first I broke up with over it, and the second I did end up forgiving (slightly different circumstances in this case, although thinking about it still hurts). I think this is sadly an area where social media and search history is permitting us to know what we should never have to know (men's private fantasies), but it is almost unbearable for us to know the truth. I would find it very hard to know he was repeatedly fantasizing about an ex. Certainly looking at porn right after her pics does suggest that the ex-gf is a catalyst/ fantasy. Truth be told, from my experiences as well as hearing others, it is probably fairly common for men to fantasize about ex-gfs, at least occasionally. But in your case it seems quite repetitive, indicating that he is still VERY focussed on her. Which would probably be a dealbreaker for me. Also he used to message her all the time while you were together...Finally, you mention that he made you feel like you weren't his "type". Again, I have felt like that with some guys, and it is a crap feeling, but NONE have made me feel that way on purpose. In your case, if it is true, he came right out and told you that he preferred another body type. This just shows that he is either incredibly insensitive, or was trying to take your confidence down a notch on purpose (very jerky behaviour). By the way, many guys LOVE the tall, thin type. You sound graceful and gorgeous. I bet you have a lot of guys who want to be with you. I think that with all these things combined I would leave him. Maybe any one of these incidents could be forgiven, but it just seems like it has combined to make a perfect storm and I think it will make you constantly insecure. However if you try to forgive him, there is nothing wrong with that either. But he will have to do some serious reassuring and make some serious changes for you to ever heal. By the way, does he show you that you turn him on? Is your sex life good (outside of his porn/ex searching)? The sad reality is most guys do sometimes look at the porn and fantasize. It really really sucks. But I don't think it necessarily means that your type doesn't turn him on as well. You will have to discuss this and the hurtful things said and done in the past. Best of luck and update us on what you decide to do hun!
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (8 February 2017):
Oh come on!
"He looks at her pics late night." In what universe is that OK?
When you are a grown up you have to stop certain things because they are unjustifiable. They are disrespectful to you. And they suggest that he might still have unresolved feelings for his ex'.
Give him one chance to stop and that's it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2017): Men fantasize constantly, whether they admit it or not, and they are very visual. It doesn't mean he loves you any less. Men show their loyalty in different ways than women. He may fantasize and reminisce about past sexual encounters, but he's chosen you and I bet as long as you both remain convivial and not argue over this he will stick by your side no matter what, through thick or through thin (no pun intended).
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