A
female
age
36-40,
*nique1
writes:My boyfriend doesnt understand how I get hurt if he watches porn, pictures of naked females and mastrubates to it...Hello, my bf of 2 years and i broke up 9 days ago. We want to get back together but only after we both read the book on a relationships which would hopefully make us both aware of some things...(we should talk in about 2-3 days). When i asked him if he already mastrubates to other females (porn, pictures) he told me that " It is a guy thing and that after,3-5 days, when a guy is not so sad anymore, and because of his high sex drive, he did/does it and that there is nothing wrong with it. Because of our history, (we were apart/long distance for some time), there was a time where he reurarly mastrubated and at one point admitted to me that he did it little too often. He had over 200 porns, pictures of naked females etc... I really dont have a problem if he mastrubates just because he is horny but i do have a problem when he does it looking at pictures and to other females...(He tells me that i am insecure and have low self esteem and he doesnt understand how i get hurt by this...Can somone please help me and tell me if i am being unreasonable and crazy and how to make him understand me...and can i be mad and hurt that after 5 days of our break up he did that?Thank you so much
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female
reader, Unique1 +, writes (22 March 2008):
Unique1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello everybody- i was the one that originaly posted this question. It has been a long time since i logged on to this site and i see many answers were added.
To young lady that wrote on March 18- I really appreciate you writing your story. I can imagine how hard it has been for you. Don't cry.... You have to let him know and do something about it. You are pregnant and you don't need to be crying. You also don't want a life where you will be sad or dissapointed. If you need to talk to someone-i'll be glad to talk to you and help you deal with your problem.
TO EVERYBODY ELSE- UPDATE ON MY SITUATION:
After almost three years, me and the guy broke up. It was long, painful break up. We haven't been together for 3 months now. After posting this, he eventually changed to better and since we had sex way more often he promissed not to mastrubate to no nasty pics or porn and that once in a while he would do it it would be withough looking at anything. I beleived him. We didn't have any more problems of this of that kind but due to all kinds of other stuff we split up.
So, once again- thank you everybody for your help!
A
female
reader, Unique1 +, writes (22 March 2008):
Unique1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello everybody- i was the one that originaly posted this question. It has been a long time since i logged on to this site and i see many answers were added.
To young lady that wrote on March 18- I really appreciate you writing your story. I can imagine how hard it has been for you. Don't cry.... You have to let him know and do something about it. You are pregnant and you don't need to be crying. You also don't want a life where you will be sad or dissapointed. If you need to talk to someone-i'll be glad to talk to you and help you deal with your problem.
TO EVERYBODY ELSE- UPDATE ON MY SITUATION:
After almost three years, me and the guy broke up. It was long, painful break up. We haven't been together for 3 months now. After posting this, he eventually changed to better and since we had sex way more often he promissed not to mastrubate to no nasty pics or porn and that once in a while he would do it it would be withough looking at anything. I beleived him. We didn't have any more problems of this of that kind but due to all kinds of other stuff we split up.
So, once again- thank you everybody for your help!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2008): my boyfriend is spending close to an hour every mornng with the computer in the restroom. he also does this when he gets home. we don't have sex as much and he doesn't understand that i wouldn't mind the porn and masterbation if it wasn't taking away from our sexual relationship. i have tried to get involved but he pushes me away and acts like i am a nusance. to top it off i am pregnant and have a heightened sensitivity in everyway; which means i am horny often and would like if he would spend the enrgy on me. as well, it hurts more when rejected and brings on fears of abandonment at a time when i relly need his involvement. it is very scary to me.
i really do think it is ok if he wants to veiw porn and masterbate. i just wish he would satisfy me as well. he doesn't even approach me anymore. i have to jump him. it has been months since he spntaneously charged me.
also he lies and says he isn't masterbating.
i have tried to communicate that it i would rather break up than to be in a relationship where i am not what he wants but he acts like i am selfish. . .when i am the one not getting my needs me.
i cannot quit crying right now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2007): My boyfriend does the same thing. It never bothered me after our 2 year anniversary. We were great the only thing that bugged me at that time was the fact he seemed to get jealous at me around his family (mostly), and my friends.
One day I found pictures 5 were (proactive) that he had taken from Facebook and saved to his computer. Now 2 were old roommates one just this chick walking in apple orchard but you could see her shapely body, (she has fake tits) and the other old roommate just had a baby, with father, but he did have sex with her in the past. The picture was revealing her cleavage and the way she was posing was kinda sexy. The other 3 were of women he had sex with as well. But there was one that really stuck out and bothered me the most. A picture of a strange girl I had never seen before.
When I confronted him I was mad I said why did you take these pictures. He said he was building a library of friends. I said well than why are they all girls and why mostly sexy ones and why not a picture of your friend holding her baby? But than about the strange girl who is that? She was a girl at his work, he said he didn't know her very well just that she was one of the cooler people there.
So that was 4 months ago and I have tried to get over it but can't seem to.
I was extremely angry at this point because to me it meant that he cheated and he was building a library of women he had sex with. I felt disrespected completely and to think that he didn't realize that this would upset me. But than I also found video tapes from before we were together of him watching women next door naked in their apartment also videotaping the same girl do gardening for 2 hours in her back yard and zooming in to her but or any glimpse of skin. Even women sitting on their porch or walking down the street. I thought he looked at women as sexual object I got really paranoid. We were apart for 2 months and all I kept thinking about was the way he looks at women and possibly how .........
I caught him last week after we just had sex with his penis out on his knees in front of his computer. My reaction upset me I cried he hugged me and said it is normal I was like we just had sex.
I have been more insecure in the past for I used to be in a abusive relationship. My insecurities stem from this, but I learned how intelligent I actually am, so my fear is that I am right about my feeling of my man having the capability of cheating on me because of how sexual he is. But I also learned that when I get upset or have these negative thought s I do need to look within myself because it is fear that is taking over. Fear that he will become controlling and possessive like my past relationship, fear that he looks at women as sexual objects fear that he will cheat on me, and honey most men who do cheat are insecure themselves. So I just have all these fears, and know that in order to make things better I need to make me better first.
My resolution to this is tell you man how it makes you feel either he get rid of most of it, cause 200 videos is kinda excessive, or he puts his energy onto you. Turn the tables say if I were in my room looking at men masturbating how would you feel. But it is normal for a man to do this, just think of how much more they would do it if they were not in a relationship.
Men get sexually aroused visually. I know they think about sex like 100 times a day or more. But men need to have some self control and respect their women. Fine ok have some porn maybe get involved in watching the porn and play it out with your partner, but start to involve each other in your sexual desires. Otherwise you'll end up in a secretive and sneaky relationship where he stays up later than you to look at porn on his computer. Women need to have the attention on them when men start looking at women on the internet that is taking the attention away from us. Both partners need to communicate more and understand each other. Having an open mind is the key to happiness, as long as men can be faithful (same as women) than people wouldn't have insecurity issues.
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A
female
reader, love-him  +, writes (6 August 2007):
 Hey chick, just read what you said.. if at any time you decide you dont want to have sex, dont! if he is using this type of attitude towards somethin like this which is hurtin u.. explain that you cant deal with the differences. I hope i helped, mail me if you would like to talk x x x
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female
reader, Unique1 +, writes (6 August 2007):
Unique1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI tried to talk to him about it and all he says is that i am crazy and that any normal girl would be okay with it. He is completly ANTI- the idea of hearing anything opposite of what he thinks. We agreed to go to sex counseling but he now is changing his stories lil by little and is saying how they are going to tell me i am wrong for thinking this way. He is so stubborn and already with attitude that he is 100% right and that i am totally wrong. I dont really even want him going with that attitude. It hurts my feelings. On top of everything, he says that he is aware of my feelings but just dont know what to do about it.
In my opinion, i just think he should desire and want me and if we were so in love and have sex regurarly, why would he even bother with porn and mastrubating? I am starting to think he is addicted if he has to do it on 3rd day if he doesnt get it form me...This is destroying our 3 yr. relationship.... I am starting to not want sex with him and am loosing the drive for it.... I dont want out relationship to end but he doesnt want to undertsand me and i am starting to not desire him anymore.... I am lost and dont know what to do :(
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2007): If you have no problem with the quality of you and your man's sex life, then leave the porn thing alone. He's a human being who's entitled to think or fantasize about whatever he wants. Just because you're having sex with him doesn't mean you have the right to control his fantasies. Men fantasize about other women all the time. It doesn't matter how hot our partners are or how good our sex lives are, it's just what we do. However, if you feel that your sex life is suffering as a result of the porn, then it's reasonable, probably necessary, to pursue and resolve the matter. If this is the case, then you need to ask what it is he's getting from masturbating to porn that he's not getting from you. Maybe you can find a happy medium that suits both of you. If he refuses to talk about it or change his behavior even though the porn is clearly messing up your sex life, then you need to decide whether or not this is a man you want to continue being with. It might turn out that while you may truly love each other, you'll never be on the same page sexually with your partner. Whether or not that's enough for you is your ultimately your decision. Good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2007): Well one things for sure you are either not putting out enough because if you were that would not be a problem. TRUST ME that is an easy one if you are putting out enough he is not going to have any urge to masturbate to porn unless he has some kind of weird fetish.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2007): hey i know exactly how you feel my boyfriend is the same. we have had countless fights cause he seen me look twice at a guy down the street when he would rather either make an excuse not to have sex or have sex then wait till i am asleep then jerk off to porn. he says to me that he wants me to have her ass or her boobs and has called me porn stars names while we have been having sex. he keeps saying its a guys right when he absolutely goes off his head when i look at a fully clothed guy. i have tried to get out of it but i love him too much to go all the way. i end up crying after two days and asking him to forgive me and take me back. and now im in way over my head.i am pregnant with his twins and my family disowned me after i fell pregnant so i have nowhere and no one to help except him so my advice is get out now before you cant escape.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2007): Hi.. well if he is like that.. and you think you want a boyfriend.. find another one... this guy is just not worth your time of day.. or thinking of him..
You deserve someone whom wants you to be his one and only.. picture or skin...
Take care....
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A
female
reader, johncenachick1982 +, writes (15 July 2007):
i know i just dont know why guys have to lie about it i mean i hate porn it makes me sick to my stomack i just dont see how men can look at other nasty hos when they are with someone iv been with my boyfriend for 10 years off and on and i have 3 beautiful sons with him and why i really hate porn the number one reason is because my youngest son is 3 months old well while he was being born in the hospital my b/f was at home drunk viewing porn while i was in labor and he knew there were even going to induce my labor but still missed his own sons birth because of them home recking whore i believe thats all porn is there for is to wreak relationships i mean im 25 years old and im also hurt because i want a man to love me for who i am not for how i look i believe true love doesnt matter how that person looks.its whats in there heart that matter and as long as that person makes you happy thats all that matters plus that wasent the first time he has done stupid crap like that his littest son had a sezior and had to be rushed to the er and he stayed home and got on the internet veiwing his nasty old hos.i mean what kind of real man would throw his own son off for porno and another rhing i hate is i dont have sex with him at all anymore because after lieing to me for the last 6 years now he finally told me he probley did it when hes drunk cause he dont remember it but still says he dont look at it when he is sober.so i will not sleep with him anymore i mess with myself at least me fantisizing about my favorit person john cena i wount get hurt anymore lol but i just dont under stand him because when i do take my own time out to make myself happy if i even look at a poster on my wall of john cena he threatens to rip it down so why is it ok for men to do this but they dont like it if there woman was looking at other men so give them a taste of there own meds
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2007): You can not be 100% what someone wants, but you are most of it thats why he chose you. Why not let him, he doesn,t disadvantage anybody. You have the wright not to want to, doesn't mean you have the wright not to let him. Demanding something can bring disappointment, demanding nothing can bring a nice surprise when receiving.
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female
reader, Unique1 +, writes (13 July 2007):
Unique1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFor the girl that wrote on July 13:
I think that there is something wrong with how your bf is acting. He should be all over you! Personally, i would be concerned if my bf watched gay porn. No offense, but i think there is something wrong with that! Did you ask him why that makes him horney? Overall, its little sick unless he is turning gay, in which case you need to get out!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2007): Hey there all,
My bf has been doing it too only he has not just been watching regular guy girl porn or girl girl porn he watches gay male porn as well...this is really alarming to me, he swears up and down that he is not gay but I don't know any other straight guys who jerk off to other guys. Am I totally insane for thinking that is a huge red flag...In addition he has issues with me touching him and recently commented that the only time he wants me to press up aginst him is when we are doing it! Is that fucked up or is it just me? His mother did not love him and he continually uses that as his reasoning for anything that he does that is shitty or that I feel is wrong. My frieds and everyone who loves and cares about me thinks I should get out but what do you do when you have fallen for someone who maybe just does not love you back the way you need him too. I don't think the porn would be as big of an issue for me if I was getting the intimacy I needed from him like him telling me I am beautiful or sexy (which is a rare occasion which totally sucks becsue I am cute and work out 3-5 times a week, I don't have an ounce of fat on my entire body) He seems to have little or no interest in sex/intimacy with me anymore and if he does than it seems to be usually inspired by some hardcore porn viewing sessions. He is really hurting me here and he just does not see it. What do you all think?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2007): you are not being unreasonable. I dont get why guys look at that shit. I found my bf masturbating to naked pictures too. Its really ignorant. never tolerate it. He should be looking at you naked, not any other women
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2007): They (men) will never understand why we feel so negatively about watching porn during a relationship. My boyfriend has lied to me on 3 occasions that he has stopped looking at it after i found out and was so so so deeply hurt that someone i love gets off on watchin other women. It really disgusts me and the thought of it makes me sick. And whats made it even worse it that he has lied to my face and looked me into the eyes. Oh my god why am i so stupid and forgiving!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2007): I think the most important thing, is that men and women are listening to each other. I hate porn too. I think its disgusting and sad and soooo not even close to reality. I worry that if my bf does it too much...he'll get numb to the real, normal stuff. We girls simply must don't get what the guys experience. Apparently. And vice versa. But I think it is WRONG of your BF to dismiss your feelings and tell you, you are just insecure. He's alienating himself from you in an attempt to rationalize his habit and your reaction to it. Our concerns are legitimate. What we need you guys to tell us is that we are far more important and more real to you than those plastic porn girls. That you will not turn to porn in an attempt to get what is missing from your relationship. You don't have to lie and swear you will stop...but I think you should (assuming you are genuine in this feeling) attempt to communicate your feelings for us. Similaryl, I guess we shouldn't just accuse guys of being shallow, horny, lazy porn addicts if its something they do only occasionally. (Though its tempting).
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2007): what a very uneducated view the writer has below...Porn means degrading and partipating in the abuse of thse who for whatever reason dont make healthy choices for themselves. Over 96% of female porn stars were victims of childhood sexual abuse....how pathetic to support this industry, besides that it contributes to the degradation of half the human poplualtion...but why would a mae care about that???especially one who views porn....the fact is that porn viewing men only care about their pleasure not the pain it causes a huge ercentage of the feales in the world who lives with the consequences..additionally recent research has shown that even viewing of so called soft porn lessens a mans opinion of the attractiveness of his partner..sounds like a recipe for a great relationship...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2007): If your partner's interest in porn is becoming an addiction then it may be time to see a counsellor. Porn is a fact of life in the internet age and there is little to gain by being prudish about it. The world is changing and we of a previous generation who know sex as something that was/is done behind closed doors need to keep up with the times. In a world that is beset with fear of hijackings, bombings, war, murder mayhem, corporate crime, child labour, climate change and spiralling energy costs, porn is the least of our worries. We could treat it like a breath of fresh air if we stop fearing it. Let it go....your man could be doing a lot worse. He could be President of the USA.
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A
female
reader, Dr. Surgel  +, writes (28 June 2007):
 Dear Unique 1Men don't consider watching porn and masturbating to porn as having anything much to do with sex at all, so stop worrying, he's not cheating on you in his mind at all, and even if he was, it is only his mind.You could try to be less wowserish about it, and maybe watch a little bit of it with him.There really is no problem, unless he was doing it all day and all night.Don't fret, it's not a big deal at all,Best,Dr. Surgel
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female
reader, Unique1 +, writes (27 June 2007):
Unique1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for helping and giving your opinions.... One more thing for the male reader (annonymous)- My bf would get mad disrespected if i look at guys and mastrubate- it would bother him bad.... But he doesnt understand why i get bothered.... He says its different for females..... and i dont agree!!!
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female
reader, Unique1 +, writes (27 June 2007):
Unique1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to thank this male reader... However, he misunderstood. I am very attracive (people tell me all the time)... and not jealous by other pretty women but the fact that he watches them - why cant he just mastrubate without watching them? i dont think its right to be having fantacies like that !It hurts me!.... I dont understand how can he enjoy it if he has feelings for me.........
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female
reader, love-him +, writes (27 June 2007):
Hia babii, i understand completely where you are coming from, but babii, i aint too sure ur gona get him to give it up, so to speak, its somethin that most men do and enjoy.. they are just pictures and videos, your man will be faithful and is only turned on by what they are doing, maybe you could do something 'sexy' for him, but babii, it will take you a long time to find a man who would give it up for you, as some will find it selfish you want them to give it up.. mail me if u wana talk x x x
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female
reader, flower girl +, writes (27 June 2007):
 Ok so we are on the porn thing again, there is nothing wrong with porn at all it's legal no body is forced to do it and they get paid a good deal of money to do it.
It's pictures and video's and it's harmless as long as thats all they do.
Have you ever thought about watching it with him as it can be a real turn on.
Failing that maybe you should just not ask him about it and if you don't know it can not hurt you, at least while you are not together and deciding if you can make your relationship work i can't see the harm i would much prefer that then him going out and sleeping around.
Take care.xx.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2007): As a male that watches a lot of porn, I have to reassure you that, although I wouldn't say it's "healthy", I can definitely say that men do not watch pron because they want to have sex with the naked girls they see. Men are more stimulated by visual images than women are, and it releases all sorts of hormones into his head that essentially get him "high". It's a selfish pleasure but you should not see it as a sign of disrespect from him. From your description, he is not looking at too much porn, real porn addicts often have many thousands of images on their computer and look at porno every day for hours a day.
I suggest you are perhaps insecure as he says. Honestly you should be very happy that he is open and honest with you about it, he could just do it and not tell you. This is a very personal issue for men IMO you should let his masturbation habits remain his business and stay out of it. I mean that. Don't ask him how many times he watches porn or jerks off or anything. It's private and you'll probably just be forcing him to lie to you anyway based on your reaction. Does he ask you how heavy your menstrual flow is or which way you wipe your butt when you take a dump or whether you look at pron? No, because he doesn't care as long as you are there for him.
Funny, girls looking at porn, if it's not likely to make them cheat, is a big turn on for guys. Why can't it be the same way the other way around?
If it's an insecurity issue then I would assume you don't think you are as attractive as other women. If this is because you are really fat or something then maybe you could take steps to try to change yourself, instead of him, because you can't shelter him from seeing "better looking" women all your life.
Also sexiness is all about attitude. Take it from me, men are just as turned on by women who act sexy even if they don't conform to the usual standards of beauty. In other words, even if you are not "super-hot", he'll still be really turned on by you if you act like you are super-hot. I guess it's the same as the way women are turned on by confident guys.
Good luck. Hope my perspective helps a little!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2007): If your guy is watching porn all of the time instead of being with you, then this is pretty disrespectful if you are in the same house.....however, all men masturbate, they start the habit when they are first developing and it does not go away when they meet a girl, they do it occassionally just to relieve themselves, after all, their hand is handy.....I don't think if it is in exclusion of you that you need to get so worked up about it....it would be the porn watching that would disturb me the most if he is watching it alot...he is in a relationship after all and you live in the same town now, so he needs to try and stop that habit...most people prefer to have sex with a partner then going it solo....as far as looking at pictures of naked women when he masturbates, guys are visual beings and this helps him with the fantasy, I guess you could give him a naked picture of you!
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female
reader, YummyMummy +, writes (27 June 2007):
 I get funny when my guy materbates to porn to often but I am ok with it occasionally. It's not the same as masterbating over you. They are just naked girls where as you are his partner. Did he masterbate to porn while you were together because while you are apart I don't think you really have a say.
At least its porn and him not going out to sleep about with different girls.
try talking to him and explaining how it makes you feel. Just remember that at the moment you arem't together and although you are looking to get back together you can't tell him he can't do this.
xxxxxx
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A
female
reader, Brandi +, writes (27 June 2007):
 well i agree with you that is just wrong. but see when a guy gets horney and looks up porn then it is either because they want to with you or do want to ask. or maybe he wants to look at other women which is very wrong. i know you want to get back together but i would not becasuse that is mean for you to have to deal with it. and i think you should find a better person but that is only what i think you may do as you wish.
ttyl,
brandi
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