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age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: Hello.How do you learn to trust someone?My boyfriend cheated on a girlfriend to be with me. He left her for me. Now we are a couple. We have been for about 6 months.He claims how much he cares about me and treats me well over all. Speaks of a future with me. We have the best sex ever. Everything seems good on paper.But........ I find that I am always worrying, every day about him cheating on me. The worry is becoming all consuming and it is eating away at me. I am very high when we are together and feel great but when we are apart and he is working, I am always questioning what he could be doing. He works on the road and travels around for his job so he has opportunity.I care about him deeply and he seems to care about me. But at the end of the day, I am really struggling with TRUST issues. I find I am starting to snoop and looking for stuff that may exist only in my head.I was cheated on in my previous relationship before this one as well. And it took so much healing to get through that pain. I took another leap of faith and opened my heart to this guy. But I am so afraid he is going to tear my heart apart by cheating.So.... a lot of it is due to the fact that he cheated to be with me and my previous boyfriend who cheated on me.How can I get over this trust issue?I told him about it and he tries to reassure me saying he is not that kind of guy, not a womanizer, that I should know him by now... etc... and that the issues are struggles I have within myself and that I have to deal with those on my own.This is really hard for me. I am emotionally unstable. High to low. Cause I feel good about us and then I start to obsess about him cheating. And I hit rock bottom because I could not stand that.I guess I deserve it all cause I took part in his betraying another person. It is coming back at me...I just do not know what to do. How to handle it. How I will ever get over it. It has come to a point where it is unbearable and I am constantly trying to seek out proof that he is up to no good. Not healthy.Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2013): If he had broken up with his girlfriend BEFORE he started dating you, then you probably would not be saying any of this. Your relationship has been based on a lie and you are just as involved in that happening. No, there isn't any trust because there wasn't any trust to begin with.He lied to his girlfriend, he more than likely lied to you as well, and unfortunately he's not likely going to be someone you will ever be able to fully trust. That does not make for a solid and loving relationship and it's not likely you will have a future.In your future, think before you act. Think about what you did and how it feels to be that person who was cheated on. His ex didn't deserve that from him or from you, no matter what load of crap he threw your way about her.People who cheat will say everything and anything to convince other's of their actions (and convince themselves), and they will, of course say it's not like them to do this. He knew what he was doing, and all of this could have EASILY be prevented if he had just broken it off with her when he realized he had strong feelings for someone else. And you could have said, you will not get involved with him until he does right by his girlfriend and end it appropriately. What happens down the road when you have a bit of a bump, which all relationships have at some point? He'll go off and do the same thing again? I wish the statistics on repeat offenses of cheaters wasn't true, but the probability is extremely high of him cheating again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCerberus, you absolutely nailed it.
Thank you so much. I needed to hear that. And I will be taking your advice. It makes perfect sense from all angles.
I care for him deeply and he cares for me. If I ever become suspicious, he always offers to show me all his texts and emails. He is always honest and forthcoming about his whereabouts and very open with me. So he is trying to do his part.
I do believe he is faithful. He tells me he has never met a woman as good in bed as me and he always talks about all my many wonderful qualities as a person and tells me how lucky he is to be with me. And yes, you are right. It is the honeymoon phase and we are truly enjoying the chemistry and passion that comes with it.
He is so sweet to me. If I am having a bad day, he will notice and he will ask me what is wrong. He will listen. He will reassure me that things will get better. He is very supportive of me. He makes time to always be with me. And he is accountable. He brings me flowers and took me out for a beautiful birthday lunch. He has started to talk about us in the future and long term. There is a lot of good to this relationship and this is why I am not willing to walk away. I do no want to ruin it or throw it away because of my worry. I need to find a way to manage it better. Cerberus, you are correct. I will have to let go of some of that emotional stress in the ways you mentioned and just enjoy it...while always being aware. I do feel I am very wrapped up in him and may need some outside distractions right now...
Thank you. Your advice has meant so much and has helped me on how to deal with this moving forward. I feel way better now. And more hopeful.
Take care and thank you! :)
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 December 2013):
 I like posters like you, OP. When they don't hear from us what they want to hear... they answer themselves their own question. Talk about being proactive.
Anyway, I don't think that we need to rediscover hot water by stating that not all cheaters go on to become serial cheaters . Some will cheat only once , no more.Same as some guys will only steal one car , and then no more car thefts for them.
You can surely, definitely hope that an ex cheater will stay just that, an ex cheater but currently faithful. The problem is that you don't want to hope , you want to TRUST. These are two very different things , hope is a possibility, trust is a certainty, or at least a very high probability. So, how can you trust ?
You can't . Same as you cannot rest easy , knowing that you have put a known car thief in charge of watching your brand new Ferrari. He might overcome the temptation , or he might not.
Everything comes with a price. This lack of certainty, lack of abslute trust that the past won't repeat itself , is the price you are paying for your relationship. If it 's a high or cheap price to pay for what you've got, only you can tell.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2013): "He was unhappy in his relationship. His ex was not having sex with him anymore."
That's the standard excuse really OP, isn't it? I mean if you google that sentence you get about a million pages about cheating, all saying that exact line.
"Instead of breaking it off and starting over, he began to see me."
And therein lies your biggest issue. I mean that shows what he's about. It shows he's a bit of a coward and will stay with you even if he's unhappy until he finds someone else to leave you for. I feel for you OP, I literally could not live with that hanging over my head.
He could very well be doing that right now, doesn't matter if you're having sex all the time he could have many other reasons why he's "unhappy" if he finds another woman he becomes interested in. I can see why you're finding it impossible to reconcile those thoughts.
You're right too OP, although every fairytale I've seen starts off very badly, kidnappings, killings it's only the ending that's ever good.
OP be careful that in defending this you don't lose sight of what matters; what's best for you.
Look it's obvious how badly you want this to work, but it's very important you know that giving up has to be an option for you too, it's very empowering to know you're able to call time if you need to.
6 months plus whatever time you had before he left her for you is quite a long time to deal with such a roller coaster of emotions. Just make sure you understand that what you want and what's best for you aren't always the same thing, and honestly no matter how hard you're willing to try or wait, relationships aren't supposed to leave you feeling so powerless, frightened and worried. You're old enough to know that it's the time you're not together when you realize how you really feel about it all.
You're right, there is every possibility you can work through this mentally. But the chances are really hampered by his work, the history he has, the fact that nothing really says you can completely trust him. I mean you have no evidence or proof that can ease your mind in that way and he has done nothing about that.
I mean when people do work through a partner cheating, they only ever do so by making practical changes, they do so by both working together. One friend I have for example was cheated on by his girlfriend in a drunken one night stand. So to win his trust back she stopped drinking in that way, with those friends and getting into situations where those same circumstances might happen. She didn't regain his trust straight away, but she did remove the temptation and make a sacrifice for him. She didn't want to lose him so she did everything her power to help him regain his trust. It might not be the exact same thing for you OP because he didn't cheat on you but he did cheat, so he does have to prove himself to you.
One thing that really bothers me here OP is this: "that the issues are struggles I have within myself and that I have to deal with those on my own." That's really what he said, that's all he has to say about it?
OP it's a relationship and this is something that threatens its very existence and his answer was basically "get over it on your own". That's not how this works.
What's the point in having a partner if you have to work through important things on your own?
My wife is all over the place mentally at the moment due to family circumstances and there is no way in hell she'd ever be alone to deal with anything. When times are tough we deal with it together. If she was ever unsure of my love for her, paranoid I might find someone better, if I ever displayed the kind of ambiguous moral attitude to relationships your guy did by cheating I would never stop working to prove to her practically that's not who I am, all you have is words and the knowledge of what he is capable of.
Well none of that has worked, working this out on your own hasn't either. It's a worrying sign he thinks this is your problem to solve and not "our" problem.
"It has come to a point where it is unbearable and I am constantly trying to seek out proof that he is up to no good. Not healthy."
Look that's not good, 6 months and this is where you are. It's not getting better.
If you're dead set on this then it's time to take practical steps to separate yourself from this emotionally a bit. He said deal with it on your own, so go do that. Get busy doing things to take your mind off this. Make your contact a little less frequent, get some space by filling your life with fun things, fun people, new hobbies, new priorities, volunteer work, and go make plans to do something fun with your friends or family next time you're supposed to meet up with him, instead. I don't mean pull away, I just mean lower him in your priorities in life to the point where have more control over things. Make it so you can live without him mentally, that you have a life you know will be just as good if not better without him.
Again I'm not saying prepare to leave or anything but just get more strength, more confidence by taking back some emotional independence. Take back the power.
There's more to life than this relationship OP, and there's certainly better things than feeling this shit. Maybe you're not ready to give up just yet, but you have to work more on you for you now. Your happiness is too important to put aside to make this work, work on your happiness first and realize he may not be the key to that. You need other sources too. If you can't find anything but the sensual high of being close to him, then that will simply never be enough because you're simply smothering yourself in worry.
6 months is still supposed to be bubbles and kittens exciting honeymoon phase. You sound more like a woman imprisoned, emotionally isolated and smothering herself. Time to open your cage and take a step out OP, you know he may never cheat on you, if you're going to take that chance then you need to reconcile that within yourself and any time you feel the need to snoop or you worry find something to do instead. If you're going to stick this out then he needs to work with you to help you too. Simple as that.
Best of luck. But do set a limit OP, the fear of a break up is nowhere near worth slowly torturing yourself, know when to walk away and don't falter.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 December 2013):
 I guess when you answer you own question with advice like this:
"Every relationship is different and there are those that do survive after a rocky start. Maybe, just maybe, he was with the wrong person and you are now the right one.
Good luck."
A reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2013):
This is verified as being by the original poster of the question
That you have no remorse about your OWN part in him cheating on his ex-gf. Talk about trying to justify it all.
Good luck indeed...
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNot all people who have cheated will cheat again. There are plenty of people who have never cheated before who WILL cheat!If you care enough about each other, try to work through it. It is possible. No, not the ideal way to start a relationship but it does not mean it is automatically doomed or written off either.You decide if you care enough about him enough to trust him. At some point, you will have to if you would like the relationship to succeed. Unfortunately, in love there are never any guarantees, even under the most IDEAL circumstances and fairy tale beginnings. Everybody gets married thinking it will work out.. that their spouse will never cheat... that they are trustworthy... You just gotta take that leap and risk in love.Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all...Every relationship is different and there are those that do survive after a rocky start. Maybe, just maybe, he was with the wrong person and you are now the right one.Good luck.
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (4 December 2013):
 Having had someone cheat on you; now you know what it feels like to be that other woman, always wondering, always insecure what if and when will he do the same to you? :(
It’s not surprising that the human brain cannot contend with betrayal. It’s designed to divorce/reject that person from our life once that trust has been broken, to protect us from emotional instability, upheaval and torment etc...
Although some people seem to think it’s a question in; how do we trust someone or get over trust issues… Yet nature instinctively tells our brain, for which it is programmed – not to trust what has been sacredly broken!
To repair it would be inviting anxiety as your best friend to the table. It’s not very healthy or a healthy start to any relationship? If you make it, eat it, and then find you can’t swallow it; buy all means spit it out to save yourself from all future indigestion!
Take Care – CAA
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2013): I take exception to the anonymous male reader who suggests this site is judgmental. I don't see one opinion that says you got what you deserved; but we will be upfront and frank by telling you cheating is wrong. We will also confirm and assert what consequences come with bad choices. If you ask for advice, it doesn't have to come sugar-coated, or in a condescending format.I personally look at the whole picture; and put myself in an OP's place. I can relate to most experiences; either from my own journey through life, or from others I've known through the years. Through reading and my education. I know that I'm not perfect. I can accept criticism when I know that I am wrong; or if I have done something wrong to someone else. My advice comes from wisdom and research. I stand behind the advice I offer, and that from all the other kind and magnificent people who have taken their time to answer you.If you need frank and informative advice, then ignore what you feel isn't helpful; but accept the advice that will enlighten and enrich you. There is no way to dismiss the fact that cheating isn't right. Propping you up to sound sweeter than the other aunts doesn't work for the OP, or for me as the person offering you advice.I am concerned how this is getting to you. That is where I focused my advice. You are feeling fearful and anxious; it isn't necessarily from how you met, but where your discomfort is coming from beyond all that.This site will offer you comfort, a little chastising when appropriate; even humor, and uplifting when you feel down. You have something to gain form everyone taking their time to contribute and offer you opinions. That will not only help you; but others experiencing the same thing. It also helps you to analyze your actions. To accept the fact that sometimes we can't forgive ourselves; that guilt can go so deep beneath the surface, it's hard to recover without help.I hope I have been helpful. That you realize my advice comes from the heart, and no place else.
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female
reader, Shadow Rose +, writes (4 December 2013):
 It's not your fault at all. While typically it is morally unacceptable to knowingly date someone in a committed relationship, it's not the reason why you can't trust him.
The reason you can't trust him is because he's cheated before, and he is statistically likely to do it again.
My advice would be to either keep things casual with this guy (Sex if you'd like it, casual dates, etc. Nothing comitted, no plans for lifelong partnership or whatever)
Or move on to someone better.
Just don't force yourself to trust someone like that, because when/if he cheats, your trust will be even more shattered than it was before.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCerberus, I really like your advice. Your words really speak to me.Everyone's advice has some truth to it.Let me clarify that my BF has not ever done anything to make me distrust him. BUT... unfortunately his clients are predominantly WOMEN. So.. of course this is a huge worry because his job means he meets and interacts with many women! All I need from a guy who has cheated... that his JOB involves WOMEN!!!!I do feel some of it lies with me because I am in a state of depression right now and I tend to magnify things more than they are. I have some issues within myself that need resolving and I feel that my current emotional state does reflect some of my paranoia. But not all. He did cheat to be with me so I am always going to have that concern in the back of my mind. Just depends on how well I can BURY it and proceed with the relationship.I care about him deeply and I do not want to let him go. He cares about me. He has proven how much he cares. I just wonder how much of it is my paranoia and I tend to exaggerate and create things out of situations that are probably not there. Yes, absolutely it is an emotional defence mechanism because I do not want to get my heart broken. So it is almost as if I want to find out he is cheating so I can free myself of this burden.He was unhappy in his relationship. His ex was not having sex with him anymore. Instead of breaking it off and starting over, he began to see me. I am and always was single. It did start off on the wrong foot and this does have an impact unfortunately.I want to trust him. I really do and things have a period of going really well and I begin to trust him. Then he does something that I make a big deal out of. Like he cancels our plans cause of work or his dad being sick. Both legit reasons but I of course think I am being blown off for someone else.I also think why am I allowing myself to trust him? When I start to, I almost pull myself back, thinking that maybe I am being stupid or naïve and need to distance myself. It is a vicious cycle. He asks if I am ok when I distance myself. And I just lie and say I am fine... making up another excuse. He does know how I feel about not trusting him. I am not going to bring it up all the time.I just want to feel secure and know that he is happy with me. He has said many times he is satisfied and hooked on me... etc. but his words don't even reassure me sometimes.I just do not think I can go on like this. It is too much emotional damage. But I do not want to let him go either because I have strong feelings for him.Feel like I am damned if I do and damned if I don't....
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2013): I'm afraid that one of the problems with this site is that you are going to be judged for how you got together. A lot of aunts will tell you that you've gotten what you deserved.I don't think that approach is fair and I'll try to avoid being judgemental, but some of it is relevant.You got together when he was seeing someone else. That alone tells you that he is capable of cheating and lying to his partner. That is always going to be a worry. He tells you that 'he is not that kind of guy, not a womanizer', but you already know that is a lie.I'm not sure that this relationship has much of a future. You're already starting to have trust issues and this is at six months, most people would still be in the honeymoon period where everything is wonderful at this stage.All that I can suggest is that you treat him as if he had cheated (past tense) and you are trying to rebuild trust. He will have to accept that you will be suspicious when he works away/late. He will have to be happy letting you have full access to texts/emails etc. Essentially he will be trying to regain your trust even though he probably hasn't done anything wrong. I'm not sure that I would be happy to put up with that in this situation. It would be different if you'd been together for years or had children together, then it's worth trying to put the effort in. At six months, I'd honestly suggest that you look for someone else who you can trust.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2013): I do believe what you are experiencing is attributed to your karma. There is always some penitence we must pay for wrongful deeds to others. For our acts of selfishness, and injustice. Some repayment through our own suffering, must be given to those we have wronged.However; there is also the possibility of an untreated anxiety disorder, that amplifies your jealousy and fear.Your guilt will magnify your own feelings against betrayal through your suppressed empathy. You know what it feels like to be cheated on. Yet you did the same to another person. You pushed all compassion for another woman aside, to get what you wanted. You mentioned instability, and being high and low. I have a feeling you have been diagnosed, or are under treatment for anxiety disorder. You are over age 40. It is highly unlikely you reached such a mature age, without a bout with clinical depression; or some other psychological disorder requiring diagnosis and treatment. You may have deliberately left that out, or felt it is irrelevant.He deserves the discomfort presented under the circumstances, to a limited degree. He has to feel the consequences of deception, and the pain he has caused.He must know what comes from lying and cheating. There is no safe-haven from deliberate and premeditated emotional crimes against others. However; symptoms of a possible anxiety disorder should not be ignored. That may be collateral damage from the deed. The cheating did trigger guilt, that may be exacerbating your guilt-induced anxiety.That has to be addressed with therapy. Or, you should resume your prescribed medication and treatment program.Which I strongly believe you already have. See your doctor!You have some introspection to do. You need to figure out why you pursued a man already in a committed relationship?You know how much pain cheating causes. I believe, it was done through weakness, not malice. That makes it no less harmful or cruel. Please don't use the abuse-excuse under these circumstances.You know right from wrong, and you know what has a potential to be harmful. If you pursue it anyway,you made a conscious decision.Now you are living the consequences of your choices. You made your bed, now you must lie in it; until you find a solution to change your emotional disposition.See your doctor, and resolve the possible psychological effects of guilt. Then consider couples counseling; so you and he can work together to build trust between you. He has cheated before, and the urge and opportunity may arise again. So he has to find ways of averting his compulsion to give in to the temptation. Not for your sake, for his own.Therapy will also give you the facility to forgive yourself.You may not receive it directly from the victim of your deceit. In a better world, you could find redemption through an apology. However; you may need to avoid possible attack. I do not recommend contacting his ex. This is much too volatile at this stage.There is no doubt in this case; it has proven, what goes around comes around.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2013): "How do you learn to trust someone?"
It's not really something that can be learned when you have good reason to distrust someone.
For example you can learn to trust someone if your distrust is based solely on your own insecurities and you have no practical reason to. In that situation gaining confidence in yourself and getting used to being with someone would in time build trust.
Unfortunately for you you're with a cheater, one who is still living life in the same way that he was when he decided to cheat with you, a guy proven not to give a damn about the woman he is with if another comes along. You know deep down that everything he says to you is stuff he said to his ex, you can't trust that he won't do what he did with you, to you.
OP you seem a reasonable, intelligent woman, if you can't see a way of making it happen then we're not going to have that answer either.
Unless you can somehow find a way of turning off your emotional protective mechanisms and become dumb and naive, then I'm afraid the only thing you can do is wait and see.
The only advice I can give you is to have a set limit. You can't go on living a life of fear, worry, stress and such emotional extremes. You're living like some kind of junkie. Your head is a mess unless you get your fix. OP that's not a relationship, that's more of an addiction.
Give it a bit more time, see if you can dampen your emotions a bit and find a bit of balance. Maybe your mind will come around but just don't let it get too far, you need to have a point where you will be willing to say "enough, I can't live like this".
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 December 2013):
So let me get this straight, you were cheated on in your last relationship and it hurt.. YET you HELPED your BF do the exact same ting to his GF.
I think trust is not impossible to build, but when the foundation is build on lies (and yea, I bet he lied to his now ex a lot) And you lied to yourself (you might not want to admit it, but when you are "dating" a guy who isn't single and you are OK with it for whatever reason, you are lying to yourself saying it's OK.)
How to handle it? What would you NEED from him in order to start building trust? What can HE do for you? Talk to him.
But the trust, STARTS with you. If you can't trust him, how can you be with him?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 December 2013):
 well of course you have a hard time trusting him.
he's a known liar (he lied to his ex did he not?) and he's a cheater (he cheated on her did he not?)
I'd not trust him. He has no track record to prove otherwise.
he is not worthy of trust. he has not earned it.
if you can't trust him after 6 months... you could try to give it a bit more time and see if trust grows... but I doubt it will... even if it does what will you do in 2 or three years when he starts being inattentive and unavailable? you know what you will do... you will right away assume that he's cheating... and he may be...
I don't hold out much hope for this working out long term due to the way you two started.
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