A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I have been with my boyfriend for 18 months. I'm shy and have not dated a lot. We have a lot of issues. He hardly ever has any money due to debt following divorce, so he doesn't often take me out or buy flowers or gifts, but goes drinking. Sometimes he becomes very distant and doesn't respond to messages for 2 days. The thing is every time he does something really bad I feel that my brain is telling me to leave. The problem is I so enjoy doing the couple things together - planning a meal and cooking together, browsing in a bookshop (we like the same books), planning a trip into the country. I so like these things, even if I pay for most things, I can't bring myself to break up. I feel as if I wish -I could hold onto or immediately replace that part of the relationship, which is unrealistic I know. I just find it hard to meet people. Any advice?
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debt, divorce, flowers, money, shy Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (5 December 2013):
 No man is worth the wait and wasting your money and precious time over when he’s got money for drink and not for you – yours dreams, goals and a future together as a couple should be etc.!?
Being shy is only one part of you, while the other side obviously craves contact with the outside world; planning a trip into the country and having romance… This sadly it’s being fulfilled by him having debit and sense of priority to drink.
Therefore you must ask yourself as time is a wasting; are you prepared to sit and wait for his predicament to change in order for you to have some sort of a fulfilling life together? Are you cashed up enough until then, as you’ll be the one paying for it by the sound of it, with getting very little in return for your time investment?
I suggest you find someone (as mentioned) who appreciates your talents and nurtures you more without it being one sided.
Take Care –CAA
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (5 December 2013):
 Ah another one who's rowing the relationship boat.
You do deserve better. and yet you are getting so much out of the relationship you continue to do what you know is wrong to keep it going.
It's time for you to stop rowing this relationship boat and let him do the rowing for a bit. If you stop doing things he does not do that need to be done for the relationship, then you will see if he is willing to expend effort to make the relationship work.
STOP initiating contact. Let him be the one to ask to see you. IF he goes without asking to see you until he's out of money because he spent it drinking, then your answer is clear... he wants your wallet not YOU.
STOP paying for HIM to do things with you. IF you want a trip together you can pay for yourself but not him unless it's a gift for say birthday, anniversary, christmas or a very special occasion such as a big promotion at work.
So basically it would go like this:
You want to go away. IF you make the plans and ask him you need to say "your cost will be $XXX.Xx for the hotel room, when can you have the cash to me" (DO NOT TAKE A CHECK) "or would you rather put it on your credit card?"
IF he has no credit cards, or debit cards or he balks at paying for the trip, go by yourself or with a girlfriend.
IF he says "next week" say "thursday good? ok I'll stop by and get the money" ONCE he does not have it, say "oh well it would have been fun, I'll go with Mary"
then do that. LIVE YOUR LIFE without him.
do not pay for dinner out... if you are afraid of going out to dinner and being stuck with the bill say to him "bob I've paid the last 15 times we've gone out, I think you need to pay this time" and he will either do it or say he will (then not at the last minute) or say he can't afford it. then it's up to you to say "oh well dinner out would have been nice, I guess YOUR Cooking for me" then sit on the couch and let him do it.
Here's the key thing.. ONCE you step up and assert yourself and demand (gently) the treatment you deserve he will possibly disappear.
My fear is that you won't do these things and you will continue to resent his poor treatment of you.
Let him contact you
let him suggest activities
let him pay. if he does not offer to pay before you go out make sure he knows you do not have the cash... otherwise he will invite you and let you assume he is paying till the bill comes... then you get stuck all over again
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (4 December 2013):
 Listen to WiseOwlE. He gave some great advice:)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2013): You like being in a relationship with all the nice things that entails, who wouldn't, but the down side here is he is not treating you very well. Have one go at telling him how you feel and give him the chance to adjust but if that does not work, move on. Don't hang on for the sake of it. Don't settle for less than a good full, mutually respectful relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2013): My dear, you fear being alone more than keeping a mooching boyfriend. You can't keep doing this to yourself. He is taking advantage of your generosity and timid nature.If you found him, you will easily find someone else who appreciates you; but is willing to show you how special you are. You are a caregiver, and the type of person who excuses people for their faults. This is okay, as long as you don't come up short. That you aren't taken advantage of for it.It's time to get up the courage to let him go. It may be scary; but you soon get the hang of being single again, and will also find that being alone doesn't mean you will be lonely. You fill that time and space with other activities.You will have more time for socializing with your friends and relatives. More time for stuff you like to do for yourself, and time for self-improvement/self-maintenance. You will also have more income to save, and extra money to give nice gifts to your loved-ones.He purposely hides his money; because he knows you'll reach into your purse. That is unmanly and exploitative. His debt isn't your concern, and no excuse for mooching. You are not his personal ATM, or welfare department.Dump him. The sooner you do, the sooner you can get through your emotions of detachment; and getting over the fool.Boot his ass to the curb! Your good-nature, and other good traits, will attract better men immediately.Live alone, and prosper!
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