A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:If my boyfriend cheated on his ex girlfriend (this was before he knew me or was dating me) would he also cheat on me? As far as I know (from what he has told me) he only cheated once.Do you think I should end our relationship now because he WILL eventually cheat on me since he has shown he was capable of doing it before?Or could I trust him?It is very difficult to make this call.He seems to be trustworthy and in our 1 year together he has not shown any signs of possible infidelity. We love each other and have a good relationship. But I worry he could do it to me and worry I will get hurt. I project my worries onto him because he cheated before. How can I stop doing this? You want to believe it's possible he won't cheat again but some of my friends tell me once a cheater, always a cheater and that I should dump him before he does it to me too. (Either way I would be hurt). But we have a good relationship and we love each other and he has been good to me. So what do I do?Do I live with the fear he will do it to me someday because of his past behaviour?Or is it possible somebody who cheated once will never do it again?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, He_Na  +, writes (9 June 2015):
I can understand your insecurity.
However, it is not always the case that when one cheated once he'll do it again and again.
Have you ever tried to find out why he has cheated on her ex? Could the ex herself be the reason? A relation can only be successful when both partners work together to keep the bond strong.
Also, he has been honest to you. He told you frankly he did it on his ex which means he has nothing to hide from you.
Since you yourself have seen that there's no reason to doubt on his fidelity, then i would not advise you to break your relation based on a past history.
A
male
reader, Henry1980  +, writes (9 June 2015):
I think CMMP is right- you don't know what the context of his past relationship was, because we can never know how two other people work together. Infidelity is really complex- and often not about sex itself but about something else. Unless he has done it several times with several different people, there is no reason why he would always be a cheater. You should think about your current relationship and just make sure that you are as fulfilled in it as possible, rather than worrying about what happened with him in the past.
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (7 June 2015):
I cheated on one of my girlfriends a few times, but have never done it with anyone else. It had nothing to do with my feelings for her or our sex life, it was just a complex situation.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2015): "some of my friends tell me once a cheater, always a cheater and that I should dump him before he does it to me too."
There are a lot of "sayings" and adages that we pass around; but they aren't written in stone for everyone. Cheaters with an established reputation for being a player; usually can be smelled upwind long before they arrive. Judge your relationship by how he treats you, not by his past relationship. You weren't there; so you don't have all the details and both sides of the story.
First of all, stop letting your friends tell you how to conduct your relationship. Those catty-females don't know him like you do. If they've got some facts to backup their comments, let them present them. Here-say is not compelling evidence! Their advice has some merit, but it isn't always true.
If a man has a long history of being a cheat, common-sense should have told you not to even get involved in the first place. Don't step in doggy-do if you smell it and see it first! People do make mistakes and they sometimes learn from them. Sometimes they find the right people that make them want to change and correct those mistakes. Your year has been good, so go with the flow. Don't sabotage it!
Now I'm going to get tough. Listen-up, girlfriend!
If I read one more post with the comment "I don't want to get hurt!" The moon is going to blow-up, the rings will fall off the planet Saturn, and you'll get hurt anyway!!!
There is no way you are going to get through a life-time and have an adult-relationship without the risk of getting hurt. Humans make mistakes, and that includes you! I'm fed-up with females acting as though only males cheat; and their feelings reign above all other life-forms on earth.
You want a man, then use your smarts when you pick-em! Don't have doubts after you commit, you had time to evaluate his personality before you agreed to be his girlfriend. If you hear things after the fact; but there is no evidence that you are his next victim, then sit tight. You need evidence to try and convict a felon. Doesn't a boyfriend deserve the same rights? Even felons get paroled, and given a chance to return to society. Every crime doesn't deserve a life-sentence, or an execution.
Don't let those old-hens scare you. The ones that talk the loudest probably don't have a man. Most likely they'll go after yours as soon as you turn your back. If you decide to go the typical route of spying and snooping to see what he's up to, you deserve to find something awful. A snoop is as bad as a cheat. They are distrusting, can't be trusted themselves, they're insanely insecure, and a general pain in the ass. I don't snoop, and have disrespect for people who don't respect the privacy of others. They are that way with every person in their pathetic lives; and they deserve the private hell they live in. Always intrusive and scared of what might happen, not what has! That's stupid! Not you, but I'm making a point here! I hope you're still reading, I want to help. If you don't, I hope I can help somebody else!
Once bitten, twice-shy! Okay! You have to give love a try again; and if you don't, you may miss-out on the best thing that could have ever happened to you. I've learned, and I'm not talking out my butt! I haven't cheated on anyone yet; but I have been tempted just like everybody else! I'm capable, because I'm human! So I'll try not to be too high and mighty that I never will! Let's cross our fingers!
Yes, there's a 50/50 chance he might cheat on you. There's also a 50/50 chance some hot dude might sneak-up on you in a vulnerable moment in your life; and you might cheat on your man! It happens in real-life. Not just in Hollywood!
Never say never!
There isn't a man or woman with a sane-mind, grown to adulthood; who've had one or more relationships, but never got hurt! If you find one, they never really had a real relationship. Or, they were in a delusional perfect-world created in their own imagination; meanwhile, all sorts of stuff was happening while they were floating about in LA-LA land!
I've been hurt, and I've been cheated on. I've survived it. I've lost and found good relationships since! That's life.
If you knew he was a cheat before you became committed; then you were a dum-dum to take such a risk. If you have been committed to this day, and so far all has been good; then enjoy the time you have. Give yourself some credit, you may have been all he ever needed in the first place.
You may be the reformer he always searched for. Cut yourself some slack here, for the time being; you're all he wants. Take advantage of whatever good he has to offer you; even if it might be temporary. One never knows!
If by chance he does cheat on you, kick his ass to the curb; and write it off as another life-lesson learned. You meet people and you don't know what they might do in the future. Hell, you don't know what you may do in a moment of weakness.
If he's good to you, keep him. Don't let those clucking hens poison your mind. What situation or whom within your circle of friends brought-up the subject of him cheating? Keep an eye or that person. They're not happy for you.
Don't discuss your man with your girlfriends!!! I've warned you ladies about that time and time again! You discuss exes, not your man in the present!
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A
female
reader, Euphoria30  +, writes (6 June 2015):
Dear OP,I can only advise you to accept the complexity of human beings, men and women alike. And to avoid simplifications that have tried and failed to make love and dating a safe and easy thing.I am sure your friends mean well, but when it comes to love, listen to yourself first before relying on anybody elses judgement. I know, this is coming from a person giving advice on the internet.. but you know, I am aware that advice can only take you so far. I realise that when you give advice to someone else, you often take a very conservative approach. You want them to run the smallest risk possible, you don't want to give advice that leads to disaster. But the place with the smallest risk is not necessarily the most happy place for said person. Only you can see the whole of your relationship, you know your boyfriend best, it IS up to you to find a way to trust him - or not. But please judge your boyfriend based on what he does and how he makes you feel, not based on what other people say about him.
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