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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: When I first met my boyfriend he was always a gentleman and always made sure to say the sweetest things. As time went by we began to hang out and I began to fall for his act of kindness. Off the bat I knew this relationship was not an attraction through physical appearance but how I was mentally stimulated by his action and words. We quickly turned into an official couple within 2 months of getting to know each other. I felt the pressure of him wanting to "claim" me or in other words set us as a pair known to this world and others that we were a couple. So I just decided fuck it why not lets give it a try. Before we were even official I would be introduced to his friends and they would quickly say, "Oh so you're his girl that he's been talking about." (but let me remind you we were NOT official at that time) I felt he had tied me down before I even gave him permission. I kind of brushed it off my shoulders thinking I was over analyzing things. He constantly bragged about me made me feel great about myself. I mean cmon' now, having a man say nothing but positive comments about you sure can flatter your ego, but let me just say I am not someone with low self esteem or am i at a cry for attention. I am quite the opposite. I have swagger for days and I am known to have spirit with confidence. But ever since I started dating this man I feel my swag has been turned off. One thing that bothers me the most is that when we go out drinking (Im paying btw bc he is always broke) he tends to get a little psycho on me when he has a little too much. He says," the meanest things. I have never let anyone talk to me the way I let him. I feel so useless that I cant defend myself. =(For example when he drinks he calls me names such as : cunt, bitch, girl that needs to grow up, hoe-slut...etc.... I am a well educated classy woman stuck in a situation where I obviously know what I need to do in order to get out of this STUPID situation, but IM STUCK. This man tells me that he loves me, when he is sober he is such a great lover, partner and everything I can ask for.On the real he does NOT have anyone else that will care for him the way I do, he's basically all alone without me. In all honestly I feel bad for him. I want to help motivate him, pick him up and have him back on his feet again because in reality he is a very smart man who can easily go far in society except for his drinking problem that he needs to learn to control.I dont know how to break up with him because whenever I hint it he gets all crazy and suicidal and it gets worse because when he is upset he will drink and I worry bc I know he will hurt himself or get arrested or you know something crazy. All i really want to do is show him some love and help him. I need help I dont know what to do.this may sound weird but I dont mind him if he left me if he ever found someone better. I just want to see him happy. He's a really nice guy but I dont think he's right for me. I think we could be great friends forever, even after all the harsh comments said to me when he was drunk and then some how it becomes a blur for him the next day. This man taught me how to love, But in all I just want to be respected bc I know I deserve it. Ive given everything I can into this relationship and I know I deserve more.Im stuck in a crazy beautiful fucked up relationship where its so layered with everything good and everything bad all swirled together. please i need some adviceThank you and sincerely,Bittersweet.
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confidence, drunk, self esteem Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2010): All that has been said by those who submitted about him are ALL very true from him being controlling to name callings damaging the relationship. ..
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2010): Thank you all who have sumbitted this response. Thank for your words of advice I truthfully needed to hear this. It's sad that I cannot talk to my friends about it because of embarrassment. And because of that case I know that this relationship is heavily unhealthy. I completely forgot about myself and I with your help I know what I need to do. I am a smoker myself and relating that to an addiction is completely ON POINT.
Recently (about 2 days ago) we had got into an argument where I called him immature and childish and that I needed him to put in more effort. After that was said he said I was cold and heartless and I have not heard from him. I decided to not contact him and just let him reach out to me.(Long distance relationship btw)
I will keep you posted. I'm ready to let go of this baggage. Thank you all once again.
Sincerely,
Bittersweet.
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A
female
reader, meccamega  +, writes (20 December 2010):
My ex used to do this with me. Don't make the same mistake I did, dump his ass!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2010): This relationship rings alarm bells on many levels. To start with his problem with getting aggressive when he's drunk. That is a problem and will be an ongoing issue unless acknowledged and dealt with. Also he seems to have emotional problems, a stable person does not hint a suicide at the propect of a break up. It sounds as if he is controlling you and using blackmail to manipulate you. All very worrying problems. Maybe the good times are great - but honestly are you prepared to weigh the good against the bad. You say you want to help him - he sounds a damaged person and it is unlikely you will help him, you will become part of the problem too. I think you really need to think carefully about ending it for your own emotional well being, its not just about him, its about you.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (20 December 2010):
 The top priority is his drinking problem. He needs to deal with it and stop drinking. He needs to stop going out to bars or anywhere alcohol is available, he needs to start looking for a decent paying job so he can put those skills of his to use.
Breaking up with him is going to be like strolling through the epicentre of hell. He will most likely try anything to persuade you to stay, even threaten you with suicide again. It does not matter, once he has his life together, he will see that suicide is not the answer. If you stay away from him he will learn to handle it better. Just let him know that you just cannot stay in this relationship, let him know gently.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 December 2010):
 Ok, my friend- time to show some backbone :)
Self esteem is like love : it's not what you say, it's what you DO.
You can swagger as much as a Pirate of the Caribbeans , but if in practice your actions belie your moral values and your self - image... then a) we have a problem and b)most probably it's not love , it's affective-emotional addiction.
Of course you are stuck : it's an addiction. Ask any smoker. Letting go of something that unleashes that nice warm tempest of endorphines or serotonine or whatnot - the "feelgood " chemicals- it's not easy , it's very difficult in fact.
But, not impossible. You do it when you realize you care more about the long term benefits than the instant gratification. Or the general principle on which your life vision is based rather than the contingent exception.
For a smoker it may be mantaining his health vs.mantaining his habit. For you it could be keeping your self respect and self worth vs. keeping that nice " I am in love " feeling.
Or maybe you were looking for sugggestions about how to change that disrespectful , heavy drinking bf of yours in a respectful, abstemious one.
I have none, because there is no way we can change other people , particularly when they don't feel they need to change. All we can change is ourselves, and OUR actions.
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A
male
reader, Love-Wisely  +, writes (20 December 2010):
 Drinking ruining relationships is a regular theme on dearcupid.org Everyone has to draw the line with it somewhere, sooner or later.
No matter how much love flows between you and a mean spirited drinker, that flow becomes toxic. I'm strongly against name calling at anytime. It can permanently destroy respect. Great intimacy has been shared, but the sabotage of naming calling threatens it all. You clearly care about him. I would let him know "the insults" did lasting damage to your romantic feelings.
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