A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend asked for a key to my apartment. We visit each other's places often and sometimes he sleeps over or I sleep over at his place. We have been dating for 3 months. I do not want to live with him or have him live with me. He asked if he could have a key made to my apartment for him and said he would give his key to me. In all honesty I have no interest in having a key to his place. Do you think it was wrong for him to ASK? Shouldn't he have let that decision be up to ME and offer him the key when I was READY? I really did not like that and I am now having mixed feelings about him. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (28 February 2013):
 Dont exchange keys. U dont live with each other so theres no need and second ur feelings for him sound conditional. Check em.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 February 2013):
 Living together is not doing the “key exchange” so don’t jump the gun.
I don’t think 3 months is too soon for a key exchange if you guys are already doing regular overnights.
I do not think it was wrong for him to ask depending on why he asked. Nor do I think it’s wrong for you to refuse. Do understand that refusing may send him a message he does not wish to hear… or it may let him know that he’s more into you than you are into him.
If he asked and you don’t like it, you should tell him you don’t like that he asked and find out why he asked. You may find that you two are on different pages about things that need to be hashed out in a relationship.
I guess it matters to me why it bothers you and what made him ask.
and I agree with CindyCares.... how he reacts to you saying no will be very telling.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2013): If you don't mind having a guy who could potentially be in your place while you're not even there, eating your food and going through your drawers and stuff then go for it.
If you don't mind that he could just turn up announced while drunk and hop into bed with you looking for action then go for it.
If you don't mind that you could be sitting there, no make up in your pjs, eating ice cream and relaxing and he just comes on in, then go for it.
If you don't mind that you can't truly relax because any time he chooses he can just pop right in, then go for it.
If you don't mind the idea that should things wrong with a guy you only barely know, he would have access to your apartment then go for it.
In my mind 3 months is too soon to give someone such complete access to your personal space. It takes quite a bit longer to build that kind of trust and comfort OP.
OP a key is offered when you feel 100% secure, comfortable and trusting of this guy. I'm not being sexist when I say this but you're a woman, giving out your key to a man you've only been with 12 weeks is an exceptionally vulnerable position to put yourself in.
Not only that but you really will get pissed off rather quickly if you come home to see him sitting there watching your TV and eating your food without even telling you first. You will get very annoyed if he drunkenly thinks it's a good idea to just come into your place at 2 am looking for some drunken loving.
If he's a considerate guy who will always call first to see if you're there, never go into your place while you're not there, never turn up announced, then why would he need a key?
I'm not sure it's a red flag, I think he may just see this as some kind of romantic, next level crap. But when you refuse and say you don't see any practical reason to give it to him, I have a feeling he'll be fine with not getting it and probably agree it's not a great idea.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (28 February 2013):
 Yes, I do think it was inappropriate of him to ask for a key, especially after only three months of dating. If he's only there when you are, you have to wonder why he wants a key. Does he plan to enter your apartment when you're not there? Or catch you unawares when you are?Three months is far too soon to be exchanging keys or passwords and asking for them is rude.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (28 February 2013):
 Nope don't do it. If he gets upset about your refusal you'll clearly have your crimson flag. Be safe.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (28 February 2013):
 Maybe it's my different temperament, but to me, his asking for a key is a major red flag to me.
If you've only been together for three months, you don't really know the guy. At the three month point, many relationships are just making a decision to be exclusive. The "Love" word most likely isn't being used yet, usually the introductions to families hasn't yet happened if we're not talking about a teenage relationship, and a good amount of relationships at the three month level haven't yet started becoming sexual.
He didn't simply ask for a space in the closet or ask to leave a toothbrush there. It's *way* too fast, way too intimate, and for him to take your key when you don't know him that well could invite a lot of problems. What if he's a drug addict? Don't laugh...many people can hide stuff like prescription drug addictions...even if he isn't addictied, it would be easy for him to go to your house and start helping himself to your food, your possessions, your money, your internet, your identity, etc.
It would be so easy for him to start sending packages to your house, fill out credit card applications to blow up your credit, and then he could take off.
Never ever make the mistake of thinking that because he spends nights there, you can automatically trust him. There's a grave difference between his spending time with you there, and his having access 24/7 when there IS ABSOLUTELY NO REASON.
He should not have asked. Be *extremely* wary of him. This isn't a mere "please slow down" situation. My mind is thinking scams, theft, sexual assault, running illegal activity unbeknownst to you, all of which would be devastating. Three months is no time at all whatsoever. I'd be agreeing with the others on the softer "please slow down" approach if we were at the one year mark, but at three months, the hair would be standing on the back of my neck, and the "creepy" meter would be off the scale for me. I've learned to trust it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2013): 12 weeks is not sufficient time really. As CindyCares has pointed out, this is a win/win situation for you. It has already shown you something about his character AND you get to see how he reacts when you politely decline. I think you are being very sensible by not wanting to swap keys just yet. Giving someone unlimited access to your home is something you should only do once you know someone very well and trust them 100% and these things take time. I would say give it another 3 months and see how you both feel then. If he is unreasonable about it, you will be glad he doesnt have a key! If he is fine with waiting a little longer, all well and good.And on a precautionary note for your own security. If he has a key and things sour between you at a later date, do change the locks because just asking for a key back isnt enough, they can be copied. When my son lived at home, he split up from a girlfriend and unbeknown to us, she had managed to have a copy made of his key and she entered my home without permission to confront my son. It was a very frightening experience. So should things ever `go bad` do change the locks, dont just take a key back and assume your home is secure because sometimes that is not the case at all.
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (28 February 2013):
 It would have been better for him to wait for you to offer, as this is a big step in the relationship. He would have been better to approach it by offering you a key to his apartment, to see if you would reciprocate rather than asking you for a key.
He is obviously moving faster than you are, but I wouldnt write him off just because he asked for a key - there are far worse things he could have done! If you change your opinion of him just because of this then you are being too fussy and run the risk of throwing away a great guy who you could have a great future with.
Instead of having mixed feelings about him, try talking to him and ask him to slow down a bit. Tell him you like him and are enjoying dating him, but are not ready to start exchanging keys and progressing towards living together. Tell him you will be happy to exchange keys in the future, but it is just too soon at the moment.
Then carry on as you were, and I'm sure it will go back to normal and he wont bring it up again for a while.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar +, writes (28 February 2013):
Dont exchange keys. U dont live with each other so theres no need and second ur feelings for him sound conditional. Check em.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 February 2013):
 i don't think he was wrong to ask and I don't think you'll be wrong to refuse.
He's just going to a faster pace than you. I think that if you tell him that you appreciate the offer for a key exchange but you don't feel that you are ready for that yet , after just 3 months of dating, he will understand, if he is an intelligent , flexible person who understand your need to take things at a slower pace does not mean indifference or rejection. If he does not and he throws a tantrum... then he is probably not, and this is an important thing to know about him early in the r/ship, so either way, you gain.
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