A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am a 24 year old dating a wonderful 32 year old man. I've known from the beginning that he has a 4 year old daughter from an ex- girlfriend. We live in Colorado, and the daughter lives with her mother in Florida. My borfriend visits his daughter once a year for a few days, and gets on the occassional Skype chat. But let's face it - he's no parent. Just a dad by blood. And definitely lives like a bachelor. He works long hours, splitting time between his day job abd military reserves. I am busy too. I am a full time student working a full time job. We have evenings and the occassional weekends together, but it's been tough these last 7 months we've been dating. Still, we live each other so much and have decided to move in together.This was fine until my boyfriend decided to make arrangements with his ex for having his daughter live with us for a few months. I was hurt he did not ask me first if I was comfortable with this. I have never met his daughter. She isn't close to her daddy and is very shy, as if he were a stranger. That leaves two unfamiliar adults with no parental instincts taking care of a 4 year old. I'm upset because I will end up taking care of her for three months, while my boyfriend reaps the benefits. He doesn't know how to feed a kid, dress and bathe her, discipline, etc. i have never been around children before. Never babysat, or have friends with kids, etc. I'm a college student earning a dual masters. Who is going to care for the daughter when we're both working/at school? Also, I am old fashioned. Living with my boyfriend will be a huge step into the taboo zone for me. I'd have preferred dating at least a year first, but it would be less stressful helping each other and splitting rent while I'm in school. Apparently not, because now I have a child to care for. And along the old fashioned mentality, I think it's very inappropriate for his daughter to live with us while we're not married. I'm just that strange woman in the house sleeping in the same bed as her daddy. Not appropriate. I am not comfortable with this.My boyfriend sees no problem. He's blinded by the idea of having fun with his daughter. I think if he wantded to get closer to her, he needs to move to Florida and actually be a part of her life, not just ship her here for his own entertainment and expect me to babysit her. Am I being selfish or unreasonable?
View related questions:
his ex, military, shy Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2013): You're not married or engaged to him. You've only known him a few months. Therefore I think its premature for him to assume that he can foist his child on you. He didn't do hardly anything for his daughter up until now. Then now that you're going to live together all of a sudden he wants her full time? This is very fishy and I suspect he has made more plans for you without telling you.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 January 2013):
 I would not be moving in with him. This is HIS child and fully HIS responsibility. I have to say it's a little convenient that he asks you to move in and then springs his daughter coming too.
He and the mother needs to figure out how to make this work. If you wish to partake (help) then that is fine if the parents are OK with it, but this is NOT your responsibility.
The thing is, you are dating a SINGLE dad. He has a child and now it's come to a point where he HAS to live up to that responsibility. You might not like it. So maybe dating a single dad is not for you. The child SHOULD be his #1 priority. She is after all ONLY 4.
I think it's extremely rude of him to just assume you want to be a "step parent" - however, this is between him and the mom. And so should the care-taking be.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2013):
I agree with cmarieky he does not need your permission she not a stray of some dog from the pound.. She is his DAUGHTER and you knew damn well he had one when you two were dating..
I be snissed he didn't discuss it.. I agree with cmarieky post grow up some. This post is all about you... What about that poor child who being dragged across a country to complete near enough strangers... Have you thought of that.. No you think of your time and your boyfriends and how it will get eaten up looking after a kid.. Lot of people work and share child care..
If you don't want to be a couple.. Move on..
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2013):
Poor kid.. She having to be passed like a lil parcel to two people whom she doesn't know..
Yes I agree with the rest he shoulda asked first, you are not the babysitter or hired hand.. But for me I think I would need to get to the nitty gritty on why the child is coming for such a long stay.. If the mother has some kind of issues then its reasonable as he is her dad.. With that I'd though I do understand your concerns as she knows neither her father or yourself and children ESP 4years old are normally very demanding lil things, they can't help it, they just are..
First off I think you need to work out does this change you moving in? If it does tell him right away as you say he doesn't have the time to look after her..
If it was me, yep I'd be snissed he didn't ask, and I would wonder how we could give the child the time she needed and deserved if however there was some extreme reason she needed to come live with day and I knew before I got into the relationship he had a child, then I would do my very best with him to set out a schedule and plan so that thies child would not be neglected when she was there.
I think their comes a time if you want to be with someone and yes again i state he shoulda asked, then you have to put your wants to the side for a lil while and look at the bigger picture.
You knew he had a daughter, if you wanta share his life she is a part of that however small or big that may be,. Why not find out why she needs to stay so long and if she doesn't, why not suggest that she come down for a week every other month, make time.. If you two are serious of being together then she will be a part of his life..
All I can say is talk this through..
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (4 January 2013):
 The girl is nice and all but she is his responsibility. He needs to take care of her, period.
People who make important decisions for you without consulting you are often abusive, not in the sense of physical or mental abuse, but in the sense of taking unfair advantage of you. That behavior needs to be nipped in the bud. If you let this one go, you will end up letting everything go.
Now, "a few months" means nothing. It is conveniently vague. I think this is what you could call "the thin edge of the wedge". A request is made first, and then a second one, and a third one, and by the time you notice you have given in way too much and that is the "natural" state of things. "A few" may translate into 36 months, or more. But you don't know, and I bet you will never know. No specific requests will be made.
My bad nature tells me that maybe it's not by chance that you are moving in with him and then you discover his girl is coming to live with you. Methinks he has solved the problem of looking after his girl by having you move in.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 January 2013):
 you were hurt? I'd be LIVID.
he's so happy to have a live in baby sitter he didn't even ask you if it was ok... NOT COOL.
Personally it's not a good idea for a young child to be exposed to you living in the house.
I'd screw his plans over (and find out really what he was thinking) by letting him know you will not be living there when his daughter visits as it's not healthy for her.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2013): It would be the same thing if you told him, honey, I m bringing my 90 year old grandmother who just had a stroke, and we need to take care of her. She can't drive or eat by herself, and we also need to change her diapers.Because I'm in school all the time, you need to take a part in it. And look at his reaction.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2013): It's understandaable where you are coming from but if you love the man your with you have to love him and what comes with him, which includes his daughter. It seems your boyfriend wants to get closer to his daughter and be more responsible and you are deterring him from doing that.I think your too young and immature to be with this man find somewhere else to go because your being very self-centered. If you ended up marrying him and having a child with him and you happen to have broken up with him how would you want his relationship to be with your child? Women are known to be nurturing and loving if you continue to complain to him about this he will not see you as his future wife or mother of his children. So tread carefully...
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (4 January 2013):
 No, you are not being selfish or unreasonable....
What you are doing is adding a new chapter, with a new twist, to the story of why single women should NOT "move in with" a "boyfriend..."
You'll be wise if you re-consider your "relationship" with this self-minded character, altogether.... ALL the questions that you've posed.... you KNOW the "answers" to them.... You just need to nudge that "old fashioned" you, and answer them for yourself...
Good luck...
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 January 2013):
 While I agree with the poster who said that technically he does not need your permission to host his daughter in his own home,
I don't think you are being unreasonable, you are in fact being sensible, even if it may come from self-centered motivations. There ARE practical concerns regarding the wellbeing of this 4 y.o. kid. He works all the time, you work and go to school, who's supposed to take care of th child ? would it make sense to move her all the way from her place jist to dump her in daycare all day long ?
Or, are you supposed to quit your job to become a full time childminder, and in this case who's going to pay the equivalent of your missed income ( even not considering the impact on your studies ) ? And why YOU should be the one taking care of the child ? Just because you are female ? But you are a perfect stranger for the poor kid, if any, her dad should quit his job and stay at home with her. But then, if he quits his job, who's supposed to support this new formed temporary family ? You ? Why ?
The way I see it, this is crazily complicated , and your bf is totally thoughtless in wanting to dump on you such a huge responsibility . It IS a big responsibility, whether you'd embrace it happily or not. What if , God forbid, regardless of your best care, the child has a serious accident while she is in you care , who will take the blame, morally and legally ? You ? Why , you aren't even married yet , you aren't even the child stepmother !
Also, maybe I am too suspicious but I'd see like an ominous, self serving coincidence that this guy has happily lived as a bachelor till today, and , guess what, now he wants to move you in... just when he needs to take care of his daughter. Not before, not after. Uhm.
All in all, just say no. Put your foot down, say you can't do it. Even if you love him, you cannot keep your life, and job , and school , on hold just because the guy you date since just a few months !( not husband, not fiancee' ) wants to play daddy.
Frankly, I would not even accept to move in regardless. You are old fashioned, premarital cohabitation is a taboo for you,it makes you uncomfortable . So stick to your values . You can't change set of values for every new man you meet, as if it were underwear.
If, as it appeared initially, compromising on your values would bring a big practical advantage in exchange, well, I can understand that- but , doing something you dislike to begin with, for the sake of bringing in a disadvantage ??...
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (4 January 2013):
 Wow, what an inconsiderate unthinking father, and inconsiderate and unthinking boyfriend as well. I just don't understand the girl's mother either, what's going on in here life that she is prepared to do this to her child?
Don't move in with him, if his daughter is going to be living with him she will need time to adjust, even more than he will. Don't let him guilt you into being her carer, your studies and your future must take priority.
Don't babysit either. But accept invitations to visit the zoo and go out for icecream, and other child friendly activities. It will give his daughter a chance to get to know you on neutral territory with no stress or expectations.
Don't give in, sending you good wishes, I think you'll need them!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2013): I agree completely with you. And I think your bf is very selfish and inconsiderate. (Note : I would consider this a big red flag for this relationship. not that he has a kid but the fact that he makes major decisions that impact you without consulting you.) First he doesn't bother to be more in his kid's life. Now all of a sudden he decides he wants to be involved but doesn't bother to consult you when it will impact you significantly. Just because he has a kid doesn't give him the right to make unilateral decisions that will also impact you!!I think you should not move in with him. It sounds like you haven't actually moved in together yet just decided to. Well, don't. I suspect your selfish boyfriend capitalized on the decision to move in together as exactly what you feared: you doing all the work taking care of his kid while he just gets to play with her. How else would the kid's mom even agree to this since she knows full well what his parenting skills and interest (or lack thereof) are. He probably assured her that you will take care of his kid. Don't do this. its not fair to you especially since he didn't even have the courtesy to consult you yet if you're living in the same house as the kid and refuse to take care of her then all of a sudden you're the bad guy. If you have already moved in with him, then move back out. Let him take care of her on his own since its his kid, his responsibility and he made the unilateral decision. You can of course offer to help but it will be more under your own terms. Don't even bother to tell him you're moving back out since he didn't have the decency to consult you when he made the unilateral decision to change your living arrangements by adding a young kid.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (4 January 2013):
You're obviously being selfish, but not unreasonable.
He wants to get to know her, there's nothing you could say to change that. She may not know him now but she knows he is her dad and will warm up to the two of you soon enough.
And trust me, if she's a good kid you'll warm up to her as well. 4 year old kids are great.
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (4 January 2013):
 You are not being unreasonable at all. You will have to arrange child care and that will impact on your household budget.
If you already had a child and you were spending some extended time home then the stress on your relationship would still be there, but not as much as it will be now.
Of course he should have discussed it.
I think it will also put stress on the little girl.
Her father will often not be there.
She will have to have some child care - and they will all be strangers.
You will initially be a semi-stranger.
If his ex suggested this and he now thinks it's his idea then I suspect she is tickled pink.
Is his ex just trying to put pressure on his new relationship?
Your guy needs to understand what is True consultation. It is not doing something and then annoumcing it after the even.
And potentially it could have a detrimental effect on your studies. At the stage you are now in your studies you also need Think time.
And quiet think time is going to be much harder to find if you are sharing time with a four year old in the home.
Sit your guy down and have some discussions. Work out some compromises, next time you know there would be a longer vacation possible, and after he makes some arrangements to allow this, then travel to her homebase, rent some accomodation, and spend some quality time with the child so you can buid up the trust.
But then return her home each evening so the two of you can enjoy quality time in the evening.
After your studies have been completed and you have your career established then she will be a little older and more able to cope with longer visits, away from her mother.
Sounds like your guy has a very limited view of all the work involved to BE a parent. Talk to him. Discuss the options with him.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2013): I so disagree cmarieky. If you share a household he does needs your permission to bring anyone in a house especially a 4 year old child.I can call his behavior reckless regarding his daughter. Little kids sometimes are not that much fun but a hard work. He is basically estranged from his daughter, seeing such a small child once a year and few times on Skype is not enough for a child to realize that this is her daddy. This is why she is so shy around him, because she doesn't know him that much.And I also don't think that you are selfish. You don't need to sacrifice your life for a child you never met, and actually you sound like an adult who does think about this serious issue.You both are way to busy to have a room for a child. Even if she goes to daycare, who is going to take care of her at night? Babysitter? So what's the point of even bringing her, if he is not going to have time for her?People don't even have dogs if they are never in a house. I m grown up, and I live in another state, my father invites me constantly to come and spend time with him. I went until a year ago I decided not to come anymore unless he has time for me. My father is very busy with his business, to the point that he works 12 hours a day. Then he comes home, tired and exhausted, eats, showers, and one hour later he goes to bed. I spend my days wondering around town, reading, having lunch by myself. And I m all grown up, but still want attention from my dad. I really find this situation with me ridiculous why I even bother coming, and why he invites me if he doesn't have time for me.In your situation we are talking about a dependent child and I do think it's unfair to you. You are very young and very busy as well, child will deffinitely interfere with your studies. Also it's unfair to a little girl. I would talk to him, this situation needs discussion.
...............................
A
female
reader, cmarieky +, writes (4 January 2013):
Who moved in with whom? Is it your home or his home? In any event, he doesn't need ur permission to have his daughter temporarily stay with u guys. That's his daughter, not a friend. First time for everything n u really should grow up. If he wasn't there in the past let him be there now. U don't have to be responsible, unless u volunteer ur time. But this is his daughter and u should support him being in her life and embrace her lovingly. U are being childish and selfish. U knew he had a child, n u were even okay with him neglecting his fatherly duties. But when he gives time n attention to someone other than u, u throw a bitch fit. I would definitely say leave get out now do not pass go, go directly to rental office get out lease and move out. If u cared so much u wouldn't have moved in with him knowing u two weren't married. Now u care, conveniently.
...............................
A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (4 January 2013):
 Hi
No, your not being selfish or unreasonable at all. I wonder if he has actually thought this through from anyones view apart from his own.
As you say if he wanted to be close to her he would have moved,built his life there not miles away.But then thats not easy to do when you consider finding work etc so I guess he sees this as a compramise.
What happens when she starts school, he won't be able to have her for a few months then. Even now neither of you have the time to care for her and he has assumed you will be 'mummy' when you move in together.
You need to have a serious talk with him and make it clear your not up for this.Its not part of the bargain ~ if your adamant you do not want to consider it.
On the plus side it would give YOU time to bond with his daughter too,to get to know her.She will always be a part of his life,they come as a package. You may love it and her.
It's not something you take on lightly though so he needs to understand all the implications. His daughter will need to feel welcome,loved and secure.
Its your choice
...............................
A
male
reader, 2old4this +, writes (4 January 2013):
 You are going to have to tell him what you just told us and probably tell him to move out if his daughter comes and stays. Sounds to me like he thinks your relationship is at a much more advanced level than you do. Which brings me to the fact that you shouldn't have moved in with him in the first place when that is a step most people don't take until they are more serious. It may have been convenient but you said it yourself, you are an old fashioned girl. Having those rules for yourself is a good thing. But you can't have your cake and eat it too. You said, "I think if he wantded to get closer to her, he needs to move to Florida and actually be a part of her life,". That sounds to me that this is definitely more than you bargained for and are willing to have him move away. I think you have already made up your mind and there is nothing wrong with that.
...............................
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (4 January 2013):
Like you said, he isn't much of a father so I am pretty sure he doesn't see the wrong he is doing. He lacks the necessary foresight and experience needed to manage his affairs. While that his is story to sort out, it is essential that you stand to your beliefs and consider the reality that this is an extremely huge life changing situation. I honestly do not believe that any good will occur from such a rushed and unplanned decision he has made and I really feel sorry for this little girl. He has the whole room to prove wrong any doubts but in my experience, these scenarios seldom turn out in the benefit of the child.
It would similarly be unreasonable for him to move down to florida but these are things which do need to be discussed and worked out.
...............................
|
