A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need advice people, here's my dilemma:I have a boyfriend of 7 months now, I met him two years ago and he did then have a gf and I had a bf, nothing came of it, just regular chats here and there. I broke up with my BF and he also broke up with his gf (his gf, left him, took money from him and took off to another state while he was gone on business trip). He and I got very close and we dated and finally became official after a month and a half of dating. two months into our relationship, she started texting him and all this was in front of me ( I don't snoop around and he knows all my passwords as well as I know his, but never have I snooped), I told him that it bothered me, and he said that she was crazy and that he would put a stop to that. well, it stopped for a few weeks...until my ex boyfriend texted me saying "hope you're doing well", my bf told me that he was annoyed that my ex texted me (I was upfront and showed him that he did) and I said I understood; so I wrote my ex an email telling him I was with someone in a relationship and that it wasn't healthy to have the ex texting/emailing me, we couldn't be friends because it boithered my boyfriend. He wrote back apologizing and saying he understood what I wanted and he respected that. I showed my BF that email and has never called/text/emailed since.well, before christmas, his ex Girlfriend texted him one night we were in bed, telling him that she loved him and missed him. I saw it, we were together when that happened so he didn't lie. He ignored the text and told me he didn't need to reply and he respected the fact that I asked for there to be no contact between them. anyway, he said there is no contact from him to her...well, he received a xmas card and he hid it from me, I found it by accident while getting some paperwork I had left in his desk (we moved in together a month ago)and I saw the date, it was this christmas. I opened the card and it had a letter in it too, I read the card but not the letter, the card said that she was very happy that they were talking the way they were again, that she missed him and loved him and she's sorry for leaving...They have been talking?!!! my heart dropped from the 100th floor. I told my boyfriend what happened and he reasured me she sent him that card and that he wasn't talking to her just answered an email she sent him, he loved me and not her, he said he didn't tell me to avoid me getting hurt or angry... so I believed him. Now, on our computer there was a movie file that was left in our media player history (I am an editor, so I used the program quite a lot) so I clicked to see what that was...the video was his ex, doing "you know what" oraly to a toy...the date from 2 months ago....I didn't say anything but last night in an argument it came out, i was done holding it in. he was visibly upset and he looks sorry, but now I am heartbroken and I am finding it hard to believe him that he loves me.If you saw me, I am very attractive and fit, very educated and very well mannered, far from the ex's looks and education. we have a very good sex life, I make sure he is satisfied in every way in and out of the bedroom, so I don't know what I am doing wrong. I don't know if I should try to move on with him or without him, I don't want to be fighting off the ex for ever. please advice, should I believe him?
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broke up, christmas, ex girlfriend, heartbroken, his ex, money, move on, moved in, my ex, player, sex life, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all that had time to reply to my question; I am pretty sad about this situation and you guys (and girls) have helped me sort through my thoughts a lot!
I don't think I am being childish about this, but I am just speaking to him with yes/no answers, maybe just about things we need done but that's all. He says he knows he hurt me and he feels like the biggest piece of "you know what" in the world. he should, I would if I did what he did to me.
We haven't really talked much about this, I just wasn't prepared for a conversation at the moment, but we will talk today about it and we will come to a final solution for this; I love him too much but I am not going to sit here and look like an idiot and feel like I am worthless or my feelings don't matter. I did tell him that it made me feel insecure and sad, also the worst word I think there is: DISAPPOINTED.
When we first got together, he told me he knew that my heart was broken before (not my ex boyfriend, but the one before, my ex fiance, he cheated on me after 7 years together)and that if I let him, he would put me back together...well, I reminded him of that conversation, and added: But you lied, just like he (my ex) did.
anyway, I would love to hear more advice (or read)and be prepared for tonight when we do talk about this.
Thank you again to all, I'll be here to return the favor.
A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (5 April 2013):
Op, you make the ex very jealous and are playing into her hand. She wants nothing more than to split you up. There is nothing that indicates your boyfriend wants to go back to this ex, he doesn't initiate meetings, etc. she was probably dominant and him a bit soft and can't tell her to ex off. Without getting emotional just tell him you don't want to bump into any more reminders of her, that you understand he is being put under pressure from her but you really need him to man up and put your feelings first as it is upsetting you.Some guys have a problem being tough with exes, or maybe anyone, it could be why you like him, but there is a point where he needs to act. From my limited experience women seem to be much easier exing guys than vv. possibly women can turn their feelings of love into resentment and feelings of being used and maybe even hatred. If you really loved someone do you stop caring just because you can't make a relationship work? That said there is undoubtedly a need for him to care and respect you more than anyone else and you should sit down with him and help him write that nice polite message to her that he needs to write. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, yanna58  +, writes (5 April 2013):
Ugh, I've lived through this situation. Literally, you're describing exactly what happened. The ex also sent provocative photos, etc.I can tell you what happened with me. My boyfriend continued to secretly communicate with his ex behind my back. He promised me not to do it again. I wasn't ready to end what seemed like a promising relationship. I listened to the people who called me "controlling" and "insecure." I gave him another chance. Two years down the road, I discovered that they were still meeting up behind my back. No, they didn't have sex every night, but they both found the time to do it. They just got a lot smarter about hiding it. He ended up changing her name in his phone directory, not deleting her number. (That way I wouldn't know that she was the one calling and texting him.) Cheaters can be very creative. My advice to you is to break up with him. Don't give him another chance. He's done it once and he'll do it again and again. Your boyfriend isn't ready for a real relationship because he has not let go of his ex. (Lol, I too was much prettier and better educated than his ex. It doesn't matter.)It took a little time, but I ended up with someone who cares a lot more about my feelings than his exes'. You should, too.You deserve so much better. And no, he doesn't love you. He loves himself and only himself. Dump him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 April 2013):
 He is lying because telling it to your face would make HIM look bad and maybe even make you reconsider the relationship.
Figure out WHAT you want from him exactly. Tell him that YOU expect that he does what YOU did with YOUR ex - that is tell the ex that there is no reason to talk and so forth. If he can't keep that, then you have to reconsider staying or going.
I think he is enjoying the attention he is getting from his ex. Since SHE was the one who left and now SHE is begging to come back. It's a bit of a power trip. However keeping sexual content files? One thing is her sending those to him, another is for him to HIDE and KEEP them.
I don't think he is over her, honestly. And that is why he keeps you around while having this "safe" (in his eyes) fantasy with her. This way he won't get his heart broken by her again, since he isn't DATING her and he HAS a GF. Know what I mean?
You write that when you confronted him he was "visibly upset and he looks sorry" --- DID he ACTUALLY express remorse? Or was he quite frankly just upset that he got caught with his hand in the cookie jar?
I would tell him it's time to shit or get off the pot. You two need to have a serious conversation. And YOU need to decide if it is a dealbreaker or not and STICK to your guns.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (4 April 2013):
 I think, he made a mistake. I do not know to what extent he took this relationship with his ex to, but I do know that it was rather unfair for him to pursue conversation, however innocent or not, with his ex when you had so clearly cut off all contact with yours to make him happy. You need to make it clear to him how selfish this act was and how insecure it is making you.
I do not think you should wholly doubt that he loves you. I do agree with CMMP that it is possible he simply enjoys the attention, and seeing how this relationship seemed quite strong and healthy before the ex got involved, I definitely think you should give him one last chance. As far as belief in his words go, I think a little doubt is expected, from this point on, it is up to him to show you that you can trust in him completely.
I hope that helps.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael +, writes (4 April 2013):
I think, he made a mistake. I do not know to what extent he took this relationship with his ex to, but I do know that it was rather unfair for him to pursue conversation, however innocent or not, with his ex when you had so clearly cut off all contact with yours to make him happy. You need to make it clear to him how selfish this act was and how insecure it is making you.
I do not think you should wholly doubt that he loves you. I do agree with CMMP that it is possible he simply enjoys the attention, and seeing how this relationship seemed quite strong and healthy before the ex got involved, I definitely think you should give him one last chance. As far as belief in his words go, I think a little doubt is expected, from this point on, it is up to him to show you that you can trust in him completely.
I hope that helps.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (4 April 2013):
Yes, he's lying, there's little doubt of that. However I believe that he's probably not "sharing" to the extent she is... He probably just enjoys the extra attention.
I'm also confident that he's not interested in returning to her, and I'm sure you're not doing anything wrong, you sound like a catch to be honest.
Everyone makes mistakes; he made one and it's your choice whether or not you'd like to forgive him. If you forgive him you need to be clear to him that he doesn't have a second chance.
He needs to send her an email in front of you stating that he's not interested in speaking with her anymore and doing so was a mistake. Any further communication will be blocked.
Tell him if you so much as dream he's talking with her you're leaving him.
Normally I'd say these requirements are controlling and stem from insecurities, but he crossed a line and because of that he needs to earn forgiveness on your terms, not his own.
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