A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years now, but I dont feel loved. we have been bestfriends for many years prior to our relationship and I think he cant cope with my past relationship. I was with this guy for many years back, and I gave talked to him about it. it was a bad relationship were I was abused mentally and physically. Now my boyfriend tells me that I am a slut and that I dont need his attention. Today for example, he called me during his lunchbreak asking me to meet him, I happily went out to meet him and then he said that I was a slut because I was wearing a skirt( I was wearing 100 den stockings underneath). He said " do you think anayone will marry a hore like you? I know you meet guys when you dress like this and I know you cheat on me. If you only had listened to everything I say you would be my princess; the icing on top of the cake, but you dont deserve it" I have been listening to his words for many years now, but whenever I say something to him, he just says, you have no right to talk to me.. I feel like a zero. I am not able to sleep, because I have to answer when he calls or he will accuse me. if I go out he will ask me who I have slept with. I am not allowed to cry because this irritated him. But I love this guy to death.. The song perfect nightmare by shontelle describes exactly how I feel..I have invested soo many emotions, time and lots more, but he cant love me for who I am. He doesnt even want to tell his parents about me.. I feel horrible about my self.. worthless..I dont want to leave him, but I hope hw will get to see that I am not what he thinks I am and finally trust me.. I love him. want to live the rest of my life with him..please give me some advise!! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, live2loveandlearn  +, writes (29 March 2011):
I do understand that there are some cultural differences here, so I will try to keep this in mind as much as possible.You claim that you love him despite what he calls you and accuses you of on a regular basis. You also should recognize how this is no different since you've "been there, done that" - the emotional abusiveness is still present. It appears that you are mentally stuck in the role of 'abused spouse', The very fact that you have stayed with him so long also allows confirmation for this, because men and women who are easily trapped into this role often find great difficulty getting out and often claim to not want out at all, that 'they just want their bf/gf to trust them and treat them the way he/she use to, before things went bad'. Is this how you feel? It seems so, and I am familiar with this because I was also in a relationship for 3 years where I was constantly accused of cheating and being a slut without any reasoning. Your description fits my own experience rather well. I also have read various scientific research articles on the topic of abusers and abusive relationships.What I would like to see is for you to complete a list for yourself. Take a paper, and on a day when you are not upset or feeling overwhelmed with love or any emotion (just an average feeling for an average day) make two lists. One list composed of all the good things about your boyfriend - how he remembers certain things you like, the little things he does to show you he cares, just the good things about being with him. If you start to feel a strong emotional tug, like your going to go on a love tangent (just off track), then stop and return to it later when you are back to your normal self. The other list should be the opposite, stating all the bad points of the relationship - how he mistreats you, calls you a slut, doesn't trust you, etc. Again, if you begin to feel emotional, stop and come back later. I say this because doing this logically and calmly normally gives the best results.When you've done this, compare them. Do the good aspects really outweigh the bad? When you consider them both on equal ground, which option seems to come to you as to what you should do? If a friend gave you these lists for comparison, what would you tell her in this case? What would your parents suggest if you showed them these lists?Since you are not married you do not have no obligation to stay with him, and you are still young enough that you should not have trouble finding a husband. I know that being so emotionally involved, especially in abusive relationships, is hard to leave - you feel that he/she is the only one for you because no one else will even give you the time of day because you are so bad; he/she is being an angel just by loving you despite all your faults, and their actions and words are justified because they put up with you. This is wrong though - no matter where you live or who you are, you deserve to be as happy as possible. You haven't done anything to deserve these harsh comments, and you should not have to be miserable and live life feeling worthless. All I ask is that you look at your current life and decide from as logical a standpoint as possible as to whether or not you would be happier with or without the stress of this abusive relationship. Take care of yourself and good luck!
A
male
reader, uncle bob  +, writes (29 March 2011):
 The answer is simple... walk away!You've put up with his abuse for five years now, so you claim. In all this time, he has shown you no respect what so ever. Do you really think this situation is going to get any better?Time you start to respect yourself and find a guy that loves you for who you are.Believe me, if you stay with this guy, it's only going to get worse.
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A
male
reader, Daaviee  +, writes (29 March 2011):
 This man doesn't deserve u.... No one deserves to be treated like this... Your perfect the way you are and he can't change that. He accuses you of cheating at every chance then he has no trust in you. You say you can't cry in front of him as it irritates him. Why isn't he cuddling you and making you feel loved? You say if you don't pick up the phone he will suspect your cheating. I'm sorry but I know u love him but what if this was your friend? What would you say to her? He doesn't sound like someone willing to change his ways to be the man you want and deserve. Hope this helps :)
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