A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have a problem with my boss. He is nearly 60 good looking, and very friendly.I got divorced 2 years ago and he was incredibly supportive allowing me time off when I needed it etc... In fact I always found him a brilliant and very caring man. He has always been very flirtacious with me, and I flirtacious back but in a friendly way, no meaning in it. However, this got more out of hand a few months ago, to the point that he was coming onto me. Nothing happened, he often uses innuendoes so I've never been able to work out whether he is serious or not. I've always found him attractive, he has something about him, I'm not the only one. A co-worker of his in management noticed our 'rapport' and asked me about it (obviously he believed something was going on) I told him that yes I had flirted with him, (he told me I ought not to as place of work) I replied that often the boss flirted and he didn't expect to be taken seriously. I said I didn't think I was leading him on. At which I realized the boss was outside and possibly heard the whole conversation. A month or so later, (after getting the cold shoulder) I asked for a meeting, (it was regarding my pay) before I even had a chance to speak he said, "Nothing can ever happen between us... I'm sorry if I ever lead you on." I was totally baffled. I just nodded and said I understood. Recently I've been walking in on him doing what looks a lot like masturbating and half the time I come to his office he has weird music on saying, "What am I darling? A piece of your cake. Cheers darlin." All mopey. He is acting very snappy, I just don't what on earth to do?
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female
reader, BondGirl72  +, writes (12 July 2012):
 That is why a lot of people have said you shouldn't have flirted back. When things go wrong between two people who are working together, especially in your case with a boss and underling, you have a very uncomfortable and awkward situation. There isn't anyway to advise you except to say that you need to try to avoid these types of situations and be professional in a professional environment. He probably said nothing could ever happen because someone has told his superiors what is going on and he realizes that continuing with his behavior could cost him his position whether he likes you or not. Most companies or organizations don't put up with hanky panky in the work place. I am not being mean-spirited, they just don't. They don't want the rumor mill and they don't want their co-workers bringing romance into the workplace. Not only does it create problems, but usually the co-workers are more interested in each other than they are in their jobs.
With all of that being said, you now know the realities and risks of the situation. If you want to ask him out, do so, but under the assumption that you could get a weird answer or he could even report you. I doubt he will do that if he is acting like he is masturbating behind his desk. Maybe ask him to go to lunch or something that doesn't seem so much like a date and then boldely ask him during the lunch if he would like to go out to dinner sometime. You want to be completely professional until you know you can trust this guy, so whatever is professional in your line of work is what I would start with.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (12 July 2012):
 Here is a bit of a revelation:
Men, who ever they are, wherever they are are ALL really really really crap at trying to work out weird mixed signals from women, who, quite frankly are the absolute supreme champions of confusion. Women notoriously act the very opposite to how they feel and expect men to work it out...it's like a test, and believe me, most men on this planet will never get it!!
You have displayed this behaviour. You like your boss and want a relationship with him, but then you declare to a colleague that you DO NOT want your boss to take your flirtations seriously...so which is it?
It is not him giving mixed messages...IT'S YOU!!!
Quite frankly if he is masturbating at his desk, it seems a bit weird, but whatever...
Why don't you just cut the crap and ask him out for a drink?...it's either going to be a yes or no, but at least you will know.
(try to remember that a lot of people flirt but don't want things to go further...that's human nature)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am hearing a lot of 'you shouldn't have flirted with him, lead him on, cock-tease'. I honestly was (perhaps unwisely) interested in having a relationship with him. My conversation with his colleague was only for self-preservation; i.e. I didn't want him to think I was seeking a relationship, as that would have gotten us both into trouble. I did not intend on my boss overhearing our conversation. The reason I am so unsure of what to do is because i do have feelings for him, the way he is behaving is making it very difficult to cope. I also do not understand why he said nothing could ever happen and then began behaving like this. I am getting mixed signals.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2012): you found him attractive and flirted. Dont cock tease anymore, otherwise it can get very messy. Just do what you are paid to do.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (8 July 2012):
Also, I would not talk to him and tell him you are sorry if he got the wrong impression. The point is, both of you have already engaged in unprofessional behavior. No further talking about anything of a personal nature...only professional. If he doesn't get a clue, you may have to return for more advice, but right now this is what I would do.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (8 July 2012):
Abella says it all very well. Do not flirt with this man anymore, keep your distance, and be completely professional. I would also document any meetings or encounters (in office, in the hall, or otherwise), what he says, what you say, etc. If he wanted to be a real jerk, he could have your job for this. Now is the time to go into self preservation and protection mode. Continue to be friendly and professional...nothing more nothing less. Do not concern yourself with his snappiness or any other behaviors, but document, document, document everything. If you ever need a lawyer it will come in quite handy.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (8 July 2012):
You flirted and mentioned this to a work colleague so sexual harrassment isn't going to stick.
Whatever issues your boss has, he's made it clear he won't go further with you and has turned away. Maybe you are missing the attention?
If you want to avoid him doing weird stuff in his office then don't just walk into his office...knock...wait for an answer and tell him who it is before you go in. Stick strictly to a business like manner and hopefully things will die down.
If you really are too tempted to probe into his behaviour, maybe it's worth looking for another job before things get any more complicated.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2012): I don't think you can go near a sexual harassment claim, maybe he has a rash down there that requires a lot of scratching or his pants where uncomfortable.
Don't flirt with a guy and then turn around call his attention sexual harassment, flirting is designed to gain interest, call it a bit of fun all you want but the fun is the sexual tension it creates, I don't know what you expected to result from it.
Just get on with your work OP and keep all interaction with him on a professional level only.
You reap what you sow OP, what's the most common and accepted way for a woman to show she's interested in a man? Flirting isn't it? Now while plenty of guys can do that merely for the fun of it, others it can mess with their heads and give them the wrong idea and lead them on.
Don't worry about this too much, just keep a respectful distance for the most part and don't flirt anymore. If his behaviour becomes intolerable then by all means talk to him and tell him you're sorry if he got the wrong impression but you just want to keep things strictly professional and that you hope you can work together without any discomfort or awkwardness. I always find if you don't make a big deal of things, if you talk to people calmly and with confidence most things can be sorted out.
With all due respect to Abella I wouldn't be so quick to cry foul, too many women these days think even a compliment is sexual harassment, the fact is you both flirted, he thought he had a chance now he has to deal with the fact it didn't mean anything. What so many bra burning selfish women don't get is that by crying foul for even the tiniest compliment or meaningless sexual innuendo you not only create a poisonous atmosphere in work but it's becoming so common now that women who are suffering real sexual harassment are not being heard because the whole idea of the term has become an excuse for assholes to get a nice big pay day when they themselves were the people making life difficult in work for others.
Play this right and you'll be fine, there's no need for this to escalate, but of course stand firm to yourself and don't be pushed around either. Just don't be so quick to burn your bra and protest when you too were involved in this game of sexual teasing i.e. flirting.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (8 July 2012):
 Your Boss is out of order, but is probably now mindful that he could be stuck with a Sexual Harassment claim.
So to cover his annoyance at overhearing you (as you stopped his flirting by your comments that you did not take it seriously) he has now changed tactics.
If he gets really annoyed by you he may start to find fault with you, as a prelude to starting to find you 'unsuitable' at which point he will ask you to leave the company.
However he is absolutely inappropriate in appearing to masturbate when you come into his office.
Leave the door open always if you need to speak to him. Or better still, only speak to him out in the open, when others are present.
Never work back alone.
Never allow him to drive you anywhere when it is just you and him in the car
I certainly would not like to work for this sleazy boss.
The HR person was quite in order to warn you about Sexual harassment in the workplace.
The HR person probably has warned the boss too. Sexual Harassment claims cost big dollars and cost the company a loss of reputation if the matter is reported in the press.
Be very very careful that he does not accuse you of sexual harassment.
This is a difficult situation and until he retires your own career in this company may be compromised in a very Negative way.
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