A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Need some advice,I understand if you judge me, I hate myself for it..... Me and my boyfriend of 2 years went through a miserable period over Christmas, felt really down about it. I had my works Christmas party where I found myself really drunk, which was my first mistake. Afterwards a few of us went into town where I first kissed a guy from my company from a different store who asked me to go back to a hotel with him, I did refuse. I then took a taxi home with my co worker (who just moved in with his girlfriend) we ended up in my bed together. How could I have let this happen? It would crush my boyfriend if he found out, we had a strong relationship and one rough patch and I do that. Couldn't imagine not being with him but am I just a selfish 3ych. Spoke to my co worker who thinks we can move on and we are fine with each other. Why was I so stupid? Should I tell him? I know it would get back to my co workers gf too. Its been a few weeks now which I feel makes it all worse. Help!!X
View related questions:
christmas, co-worker, crush, drunk, move on, moved in, period Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, mrswaldhauser +, writes (14 January 2013):
 You need to be honest with your fella and deal with whatever consequences are thrown back at you. I really do not understand people who cheat. I have been with my now husband a few years and we have a little girl together and I could not imagine loving anybody as much as I love him for the rest of my life. The thought of cheating on him makes me feel physically ill as not only would I not want to share myself with any other man apart from my husband but I know how deeply it would hurt him and how it would ruin our family. You should never put yourself into situations such as getting completely wasted at a work party where you aren't sure of how you behave when you are that drunk! And to be honest, you couldn't have been that completely drunk as you remember everything, therefore you were slightly aware of what you were doing when you did it and disregarded all thought for your man at home. This is a typical cheating story. If you truly loved your partner you never would have let yourself get into the state you did where it may have even been possible to end up like that. Tell him the truth! Maybe he will forgive you but if not you've only got yourself to blame dear.
A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (14 January 2013):
Again, with ethical dilemmas, always switch roles. If he did the same, do you think you'd have the right to know? Therein lies your answer.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2013): You should absolutely tell him. If you don't it will eat at you for as long as the two of you are together. Also if he finds out another way, it is pretty much over for the two of you. No one can say that they live without mistakes, but part of being responsible is to own up to your mistakes. I wish happiness to you, and I know that this is tough. I know you are scared of losing him, but if you do not tell him, in many ways your relationship is already lost.
...............................
A
female
reader, yupthatsme +, writes (13 January 2013):
We all make mistakes girl. Myself included. Honestly just do what feels right. If you don't tell him you're not an awful person, you just have to deal with what you did and make sure he doesn't find out, as shitty as that sounds. But think of it this way, should you be with someone if you let yourself get into situations such as this night? Maybe you should be single for awhile, either way...personally I wouldn't say anything. Guilt is a small price to pay for happiness & what he doesn't know wont hurt him. Again, sounds bad...but if you wanna keep the peace, keep quiet.
...............................
A
male
reader, soon567 +, writes (12 January 2013):
Let this man make his own choice...you made yours. Stop being so controlling and tell him
...............................
A
male
reader, Hennessy1989 +, writes (12 January 2013):
 If you really love him and there's no way he will find out from someone else then I wouldn't say anything, I would live with the guilt and swear it will never happen again, yes it's selfish but it was a mistake. Unfortunately in a workplace word gets around, if there is even a 1% chance he will find out elsewhere then confess all now, if he finds out from someone else it will be an even bigger kick in the face. Good luck
...............................
A
male
reader, bronzed adonis +, writes (12 January 2013):
 I usually hate cheats. I feel sorry for you though. The reason I feel sorry is because you are not a bad person. You have not blamed him, justified your actions or blamed anyone but yourself. It would be better to tell him. Things like this have a habit of leaking out in the unlikeliest of ways. Even if it is three years from now, things leak out. I hope he forgives you. Best of luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (12 January 2013):
 You are screwed, OP. If there's one thing that I have absolutely seen for a certainty, it's that your boyfriend *will* find out. The guy you slept with has a girlfriend who's also going to find out, plus there are co-workers with consciences who will feel personally offended by knowing you're cheating. It's only a matter of time before your boyfriend finds out.
You need to own up to what you did, tell him, and be prepared to accept the consequences of your actions (i.e. face his anger and pain and lose him). Where is the honor in sweeping it under the rug? Where is the honor in cheating and living a lie, covering things up in lie after lie? Either face it now, or face it 10x worse when he finds out. Your relationship has no future. What if he proposes? What if you have a child you eventually ruin his or her life when he becomes collateral damage from the destruction that cheating brings?
Don't be lulled by those who would tell you not to say anything. It is GOING to come out. The clock is ticking. Your actions did not go unnoticed, and your boyfriend will find out. Better to be from you than from an angry soon-to-be-ex that had the misfortune of moving in with the guy you slept with.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (12 January 2013):
I reserve the judging for those who don't judge themselves.
If you HAVE to tell him then you have to. However don't feel obligated to tell him because the important thing is that you (hopefully) learned a lesson that a moment of pleasure is not worth the guilt and shame afterwards.
The guilt is a sign that you're a good person, so it's actually a good thing.
But if you tell him you risk losing him. I would instead focus yourself in realizing you're not a bad person and you love your bf and would never do this again.
You cheated on him. Don't make it worse by breaking his heart!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2013): This is one of those times when he needs to know OP. Now I can understand drunken mistakes and I even do think sometimes it's better to just let it go and never bring it up.
But this is the first time you had a rough patch and you went to the arms of another guy.
Which to me means when you hit another rough patch or you feel you're not being appreciated etc. then the same thing may happen again.
You see I can understand getting carried away while drunk and doing stupid things but this was not because of the alcohol but because your relationship was troubled. That means you can't trust yourself to not make such bad choices should you hit another rough patch. To me it means when you and he have problems then you van devalue your relationship to the point where you feel it's okay to break the rules.
I think he needs to know that and he needs to be given the choice of what to do from here and where to go.
Look don't beat yourself up too much, this kind of thing happens, and the biggest reason women say they cheat is because their current relationship isn't all that great, it's pretty much the universal excuse actually. Doesn't make it right, but doesn't make you a bad person, just weak.
OP he deserves to know what happened or you just force him to stay in a relationship with a woman he thinks he can trust but who has actually broken that trust and is very likely to be untrustworthy in the future too.
Now I'm sure you'd like to think you've learned your lesson and promise yourself never to do it again, but I'm also sure you thought you'd never be the type to do it in the first place.
The only way to fix this is to to tell him and deal with the consequences. The last thing you want is someone drunkenly telling him further down the line. You work with this guy, that means he's still going to be around and that makes the chances of people finding out very high. This wasn't just a one time fling with a stranger in a different city, this was with a guy with indirect access to your boyfriend, plus if he gets an attack of conscience and owns up to it with his girlfriend, then any chance you had of keeping your boyfriend would be gone.
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (12 January 2013):
 Some people can do things like this and just sweep it under the carpet like nothing ever happened, while others it niggles away at them, constantly on their mind, keeping them awake at night. It all depends really if you can keep dating your boyfriend doing all the usual stuff together and keep what happened a secret. If you tell him yes he will be very upset, maybe even risk losing him, but if he forgives you then you can move on with a clear conscience, no skeletons in the closet so to speak. If all depends on you really, how you feel, if what you did is constantly playing on you mind to the extent of driving you up the wall then my advice would be to tell him and let the chips fall where they may.
Good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (12 January 2013):
Though this is not what you want to hear, you're going to have to tell him. Otherwise, someone else will do it for you and the fallout will be much bigger, trust me. You made a huge mistake and there are more people that know about it. People are chatty beings, especially when it comes to gossip. So don't think that you can just sweep it under the rug and he won't find out. He will, one way or the other. Plus, can you really continue being with him knowing you betrayed him? If you want to make up for this mistake, bear the consequences, whether they pan out okay for you or not. That's the responsible thing to do.
I've been cheated on in the past. One bf told me, the other didn't. Though I was devastated when bf no.1 told me, I appreciated him coming forward instead of just letting it go on, like the other did. He atleast let me make the choice whether I wanted to give him a new chance or end the relationship. The other guy even took that from me. Our relationship had become a mockery, an insult. Everyone knew about it except me, until a friend of mine told the rumor that was going around and I finally got the truth out of him. Trust me, not telling is so much worse. It's like being betrayed a second time.
Personally, when someone allows themselves to cheat, they're either:
- weak, spineless creatures
- and/or really, really unhappy with the relationship.
This was not some harmless rough patch. A decent person would not be tempted to stray by something like that. So consider that the relationship isn't all that strong.
Tell your boyfriend and leave the choice with him. He will be angry, he'll be disappointed, but at least he'll know the truth and gets to make the choice. Don't make that choice for him by trying to hide this. It's an insult. It'll be hard for you, but be honest: you don't deserve the easy way out. And often, the 'easy way out' isn't all that great after all, because the truth will bite you in the ass one day.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2013): Your boyfriend has a right to know what type of person you are...by not telling him you are being selfish again. Your relationship is now based on a lie. This will come out and it will destroy him even more that you kept lying to him.By telling him the truth you are going to crush him. I too have been cheated on and there is no real recovery from it. In my case my girlfriend, told me immediately, she cried and apologized, but I still ended it. I will always respect her for telling me the truth.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2013): Some things are better left unsaid, dont judge or beat yourself up for it, it was a terrible mistake and you didnt intend to do it. Time heals all wounds, let it be, god bless and good luck!
...............................
|
