A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Here's the situation: I'm very anti-drug and when I met my bf of 3 years, he told me that he was a recovering addict, clean for the last 7 years and that he was over it. So I was fine with it.The problem is that he still hangs out with friends from his drug years and some of them still do drugs or are dealing with drug problems. He's often called to the rescue to "talk" to one of them by a gf/spouse. Recently he even had to give his urine so one of his friends who started doing drugs again could pass a drug test. And I'm not talking pot, I'm talking heroin. Personally, I don't have room for this in my life and, indirectly, it's impacting me as well because he's making time for them and he's somehow still connected to that stuff. If it was all up to me, I would ask him to cut all ties. I know he wants to help them. They're his friends and he's been there but they're grown men in their 30s and they should know what to do.We disagree on this and quite frankly it's been a barrier in our relationship. Do you think that he should still help them or do you agree that he should not get involved at all?
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (1 October 2014):
 He’s not helping his mates by providing them with his urine; he’s enabling them to stay addicted, go undetected and hinders them from becoming clean. If he wants to help let it be for the right reasons, that he doesn't contribute to their further demise!
Although he may appear and think he’s genuinely helping a mate; in reality he is just someone who’s been there done that and knows their pain etc.
In part I agree that these grown men know what to do… But without getting into a debate about the strangle hold these addicts have on people, I choose empathy but no way tolerate these activities and aggravations.
Personally I think, one should be careful with whom they associate with… Adage; Sleep with dogs and soon enough you’ll get bitten by flees. (Otherwise start using strong flee powder; commonly called a 12 step program.)
However I believe you've been flee bitten, as a side-effect of being partnered to a former addict… there was always going to be an indirect impact and consequences. I think you may have to evaluate your relationship if you don’t want any further disagreements?
IF he is somehow still connected to that stuff (after 7 clean years) – stuff being him associating with that company, going to the rescue… At least you’re wise enough not to accommodate this in your life by turning a blind eye.
I do think he should still help them once he has licence, a degree to do so or has a 12 step program in place, therefore, meanwhile he should not get involved at all period!
Take Care – CAA
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (30 September 2014):
Hi there. The fact that he still sees these people on a regular basis, is a big concern.
It is putting him in that way of thinking yet again, and so it could become a temptation for him, if something goes wrong in his own life.
And that's the first thing most drug addicts turn to, when something goes wrong, as it numbs their emotions.
It becomes their emotional crutch and life support system.
And that's what you really don't want to happen.
He may have been clean for 7 years now, but it doesn't take much for something to push him over the edge, and for him to think to himself - "Why not? It's only just this once."
And that's all it takes, to be an addict again.
It's the same as being an alcoholic, they may have been off the alcohol for years, but if things go wrong - really wrong in their lives - it would be too easy to just have one drink. And that's the beginning of the end, for being clean.
The same goes for drug addiction.
It's impossible to tell a person how to live their lives, and as you have already said here, it has lead to arguments and tensions building up between you.
Because he feels the need to help these old friends of his.
And it does seem he wants to go on trying to help these people with their drug habits.
He can't really help them.
They can only help themselves - by making a decision that they don't want to live that way anymore.
No-one else can change their mind or influence them, if they are not ready to make that change.
There probably are other issues for them, besides the addiction use, that keeps them using.
Things like - unemployment, not being happy with their lives generally, an unhappy family life while growing up, a feeling that life is dull and boring and has no real meaning to them, and the feeling that something is missing from their lives - but they don't know what - and they can't be bothered searching for it.
There seems to be very little you could do.
If you demanded him to give those friends up, and issued an ultimatum, he would probably feel a sense of loyalty towards their helplessness - and choose to take their side.
And the way things are now, it does seem he might take their side, if you were to give him an ultimatum.
Even though you love him, and the relationship has been going for 3 years, it really comes down to the fact you are genuinely NOT happy with the way things are panning out, and with no potential for him to change his mind.
You are already having serious doubts, which indicates you are coming to a realization that to end it with him, might well be your wisest decision all round.
Listen to your heart, and what it is telling you.
Your intuition will never steer you wrong, as it always has your best interests at heart.
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