A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Well i've been with my boyfriend over 2 years we've had many downs and ups but now im wondering if he is the right guy for me for my future cos if not then i need to move on.Sometimes i find he is selfish and doesn't respect my feelings. But more importantly he is very fond of beer and drinks daily. I don't think this is healthy in a family life with children but no matter how many times he says he will cut back, it always ends up changing after about a month. Just dont know what to do now - have tried talking, telling him to cut back or cut out during week etc. Any thoughts?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2007): You are going to have a lifetime of misery if you stay with him. Do your kids deserve this? Do they deserve to suffer the misery that all of this brings? Should they ever see mum miserable because he is drunk and maybe no money coming in the house, unpaid bills etc? You deserve better and shouldnt be putting up with this. Try and get him to go to AA but get yourself and the kids right out of his life. You may want to go until he gets himself dry, or you could decide that he will never be any good.But either way make some changes and make them today!!
take care
xx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2007): A drunk is the worst kind of person to be involved with, and when kids are involved, just forget about it. I grew up with an alcoholic step dad & it was the worst thing I could imagine having to live through. I assume since he never really will quit, that he will just get worse over time. Leave him now.
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A
female
reader, Minelisse  +, writes (9 November 2007):
 In AA they have two easy to answer questions:
1. Is it difficult for him to stop drinking once he's started. Not necessarily that he cannot stop, but he prefers not to?
2. Has he come into any trouble by his drinking?
The answer for the second one is yes since he has gotten in trouble with you because of alcohol. He could get in trouble with himself, car accidents, DUI, arguments, etc.
Alcoholics, as many other persons with addictions, tend to be very selfish and that is part of our sickness. Alcoholism is a progressive sickness. You should look for more information on the web concerning alcoholism and codependency (as you probably are co-dependent). You should basically ask yourself: if he does not stop drinking, will I be able to deal with the consequences? Do I have the strength to help him seek help (if he decides to)? If he is an alcoholic and stops drinking, can I support this by not partying as much and considering possible mood swings due to alcohol cut back?
I know a lot of alcoholics as I am one. Recovering alcoholic are persons who are trying to be best than their sickness. This is a daily challenge for us. But if he is indeed an alcoholic and seeks help and sobriety, I am certain he can become a good role model for a family.
Best of lucks, pm if you want to.
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A
male
reader, Dr. John  +, writes (9 November 2007):
 A glass of wine or a beer daily is not bad for you and in fact is quite good for you.
However, when the drinking ends up in excess it when the problem arises.
When indeed someone is an excessive drinker, they need to first admit to themselves that they have a problem and that they need help.
Then and only then will they be able to get the help they need and actually be able to do something about it.
Just telling you that he will cut back then putting up a front for you is just leading you on.
You need to decide what is going to be best for not only you but your children as well.
You don't say anything about abuse to you or the children but you need to realize that this also could become a very real issue if his drinking gets worse.
I do sincerly hope you give this lots of thought and do indeed make the right choices. Doc
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (9 November 2007):
 You have your children to think about here first and foremost. If he drinks beer every day just now then what and how much will he be drinking say 5 years from now? You're being shown a red flag and I think deep down you know what you need to do here. You can issue him with ultimatums but that won't help. It will only be seen as pressure and nagging from you and he'll just drink and argue with you more.
I suggest you ask him if you can have a word with him when he's free and let HIM choose when. Once he sits down to listen, tell him you've been thinking about your future and the future of the children and are thinking of moving on but be assertive when you speak. If he has any feelings for you whatsoever then he'll ask why. Let him know that you both haven't been getting along as well as you used to and his drinking is really starting to worry you. Saying it like this is letting HIM make the choice whether to cut back or not. Set some boundaries between you and give it say 8 weeks then come together again to review the situation. If it hasn't improved then I would definitely move on with your life.
It will be hard but not impossible and the children should be your priority here. As they get older they'll notice his drinking too and think it's "normal" and may even resort to doing it too as they get older. You deserve better too, you're still young and have your whole life ahead of you so don't settle for second best if things don't improve after you both talk.
Eve
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A
female
reader, xj0diie-baybeex +, writes (9 November 2007):
well tell him straight i would say you have had enough warnings now (bee furm) and say i cant take it any more i am going to leave you as much as i love you if you do not cut back and keep it that way because i want to settle down now.
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A
male
reader, Joethepro +, writes (9 November 2007):
 a zebra never changes its strips, unfortunate i know, thing is when i was young i used to see my mum in relationships where her significant other always had a beer in one hand, he never treat her right. she sometimes end up having to sleep along side me because well....yea, she left him and she is now very much in love (married) :). i guess it all depends on what sort of person this guy is when he is drunk. but god knows im sure you dont want your kids to be brought up in a home where there is beer available and the emotional strife comes along with it if the person is agressive when drunk.
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