A
female
age
30-35,
*irgin18
writes:So i recently learned my bf hates the fact that people try to make a fuss about his bday. I had planned to spend the entire day with him and his family and he shocked me by saying he was gonna disappear on everyone that day because he wants that day to be a normal one. I told him his loved ones (including me)would be very hurt by it but he says the reason why he wants to do it that way its because no matter what we tell him he knows we'll do something and he wants to be away from all that. We have been together for over a year now and i am the kind of person who likes celebrating things like that when it comes to people I care deeply for. He says he sees it as any other day and he hates the fact that people always try to celebrate it because he doesn't like being the center of attention and such. So I am trying to respect that and I am not expecting to see him that day like I planned but I asked if at the end of the day he can call me to tell me he's ok and what he did. He told me he will have his phone off all day and wont turn it on not even for me, because of all the stupid messages he's get. I told him he will see those messages the day after so his excuse for not calling me at the end of the day doesn't make sense at all. We tell each other what we're doing 24 hours of the day so him getting lost until the next day doesn't have me very thrilled.... What do you guys think about the situation? We have never gone more than 2 hours without texting each other but he is pretty serious about doing that and I am really upset and hurt because of it....
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female
reader, KittenPaws  +, writes (24 August 2011):
Aww, that's ace news! -Thank you for posting the follow up, it's great to hear that it all worked out for you!
It could well be self esteem issues; and that self conscious 'please don't make a fuss!' attitude and 'no one will want to come!' recoil. When you reminded him that it was about his nearest and dearest 'wanting' to celebrate this with him last year he seems to have had a remarkable turnaround on this.
Keep an eye on him to make sure that he's comfortable on the night -and I hope that you both enjoy a lovely time!
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female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (14 August 2011):
 """" I have did ask him why he feels that way and he didn't have a concrete answer, he just said he feels uncomfortable in big crowds (i am like that too but i wouldn't object if that crowd was just my family and maybe one or two of my closest friends!!). """"He may also have a social anxiety, which may or may not be related to esteem.It sounds like he thought it out on his own and found something that would work for him.Best Wishes.
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reader, virgin18 +, writes (14 August 2011):
virgin18 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks guys for your responses. I have did ask him why he feels that way and he didn't have a concrete answer, he just said he feels uncomfortable in big crowds (i am like that too but i wouldn't object if that crowd was just my family and maybe one or two of my closest friends!!). When I told my mom about this she told me she believes he has some sort of self esteem issues and I can see that, at least a little. The reason why I reacted so bad and it seemed hurtful to me was because he did celebrate his bday last year when we started dating, it was his family and some friends came down to surprise him and then a bunch of us young people left for dinner and a movie and he had an amazing time! So this time I was like 'why would you just go away from the people that love you when you celebrated your bday with everyone last year?' he told me he did it because his closest friends came from another state to surprise him, and his best friend was leaving the country for what seemed like for ever that were his reasons why he let his parents do the whole thing.
The day after we had this convo he texted me asking if I would like to join his parents and him to celebrate his bday with them and him lol. This came out of left field because he never changes his mind when he is sets his mind on something. He told me i raised a good point about him doing something last year and that he wanted to do something just with me after spending time with his parents. So I guess it all worked out better than I thought it would. But thank you all for your honest responses.
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female
reader, KittenPaws +, writes (11 August 2011):
There are two answers here. There's the philosophical understanding one, but then there's the gut feeling- 'what a shame!' reaction that anyone would instinctively feel.However, when you stand back impartially- which is nigh on impossible in the face of an instinctive reaction... I think you need to explore your comment;'i am the kind of person who likes celebrating things like that when it comes to people I care deeply for.'What do you mean by this? Do you mean that you enjoy making the person you care for happy? Because you know what he wants and beyond that you're wanting to celebrate for your enjoyment rather than his (don't get me wrong- I would too!) It's a natural reaction, and there's an almost unavoidable assumption that you 'should' do something for his birthday and a contradictory feeling of guilt for not making the effort that society expects.The idea that he is being selfish is misguided. He has a clear reason for this and it's clearly not for you to force celebrations on him, when it would make him unhappy- although I'm amazed that you didn't ask him more about why he feels like this. But it would be the same as buying him the chocolates you like for his birthday, or a t-shirt that you think is cool, even though he's told you that he can't stand the colour.Are you 'the sort of person' that likes to celebrate to make other people happy, or to look good for having done something for them?The idea of holding a party without him goes against either way of looking at it and is the most spiteful reason for a party I ever heard!Make the effort for 'his day' by letting him do exactly as he wants to do. Then to prevent resenting him for this, maybe find a way that you CAN make yourself feel better for having not celebrated for him as society expects. Could you plan something special for your anniversary instead? -Like arrange a w/end away perhaps? Or just plan a special night a couple of months down the line? -Plan to get him a series of little 'I saw this and thought of you' presents throughout the year instead, and then just keep an eye out for something he'd like or enjoy?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2011): It's OK for this birthday, but what about future birthdays does it mean if you are with him long term, you are not going to get to share his day? Something worth thinking about.
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reader, RedAthena +, writes (10 August 2011):
If that is what he wants for his birthday..why not respect his wishes? It is not about you or his family. It is something he does not want.
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reader, VSAddict +, writes (10 August 2011):
 Honestly, I don't see anything wrong with this. If he doesn't want people making a big deal out of his bday, then they shouldn't. It's his day, he can do what he likes and handle it how he wants. He isn't being selfish or mean. This may be unusual for you, but this is the way he does things, and if you and his family really want to make him happy, then respect that and allow him his privacy. It's just one day of the year when he does this and won't be talking to you, so just deal with it and don't try to get him to change. Let him deal with it the way he wants and try to make him happy by not celebrating.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2011): Maybe he had a really crappy birthday once? I had a really crappy Christmas once, as one of my closest friends died on Christmas Day. I had to go through the motions of Christmas for several years for everyone else's sake but I just wanted to be on my own for the day. I still lived at home then. First Christmas in my own place, I told my parents they wouldn't see me on Christmas Day. I'm OK with it now but it took me a while.
At the end of the day, it's HIS birthday and whatever his reason, he can do what he likes with it.
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reader, YouWish +, writes (10 August 2011):
 He needs to have some sense knocked into him. When people care about someone, they want to celebrate them. His disappearing on them means that he doesn't like their esteem for him. It's a bit spoiled in my opinion. What if no one cared whether or not he existed at all?
I also like Moo's mom's idea. On his birthday, YOU disappear! Go have a big party with your friends and have a blast. While you're at it, turn off your phone as well. You'll be with all of your friends, and you'll be having fun in person with people.
I don't care for being fussed over either, but I love my friends and family, and love spending time with them. He could view it as a get-together and enjoy their company and stop taking them for granted.
The whole "I'm in constant contact with him" can get to be too much, especially if you can't exist without knowing where he is 24/7. This is why he is also taking you for granted as well. Sometimes it takes some time apart and a chance to miss someone that puts things back on priority.
Don't forget this, though. This is a potential red flag if he wants to go disappear on you and others and won't allow others to show affection for him.
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reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (10 August 2011):
 I think it's a bit weird really. Why can he cope with messages every other day except his birthday? He's actually being a bit selfish expecting everyone to toe his line in this way. If I were you I'd plan a celebration for everyone else and tell him about it and tell him he's not invited. Then you and the rest of his family can celebrate his birthday in style no matter that he's not there. I suspect he will be a little jealous that you are having a fine old time without him.
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reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (10 August 2011):
 It's his birthday, you'll just have to respect his wishes I guess. You might not understand them, but there you go, we're all different.
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