A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Please tell me if I am settling or am I getting the definitiopn of settling wrong?My boyfriend's drive for a job is not as strong as I am. He was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and was raised spoilt. Everything he does he gonna be pushed to do it. He doesnt have a job now because he was hustling and chasing after a business that went bad. When I met him I looked at him like this is just temporary and he is gonna bounce right back. But now I am worried and confused. I got him a correctioner officer job interview and he is so excited about it. I am making tripple the salary a year and this man is thinking he just got a six figure job. I want him to be a realistic goal chaser. Will he be able to be the kind of provider that I want in a man Or am I gonna have to keep pushing him like a baby. I am already head over heels in love with him and Ive thought of moving on but I just can't. Will this man be a burden to me in the near future? How do you the future? I always advice my friends to know what they want in a man and not to settle. Now I think I the preacher is not taking my own advice.My dad told me not everyone meets their perfect match at least he is trying to be a good man.How do you know when you are settling. This man could potentially get a job and start making more money than me later on in the years so I dont wanna regret an abrupt decision.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 August 2011):
 if you feel resentment it will not work. I don't think of it as settling more of compromise...
what things are deal breakers: working? contributing to the household? date night? fidelity? certain sexual acts?
for example: Money is not something I worry about.. I make a good living and have a very secure job... my bf makes a decent living (less than I do) but he contributes 100% of his income to our life and I contribute 100% of mine... this is the way we both want it so not a compromise for us
is this something that works for you or do you want money to be separate... based on percentage?
sexually: i want a monogamous relationship. he would prefer an open relationship and since he met me while I was in an open relationship he thought we would go that way this time.. I told him it was not currently an option for me and he agreed to those terms... had he not It might have been a deal breaker and I would not have settled and stayed...
To settle means to accept the limitations of the partner and the relationship.... it does not mean to give up your morals or values or wants or needs... if something is not going to work for you then you don't settle for that you keep moving on and find what you want.
the problem comes with when you love someone but there is something about them that is troublesome.. then what do you do... it's a personal choice and no one can tell you what are YOUR deal breakers.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2011): Money isn't everything. Once he has settled into his new job, been there a bit, he will probably want to see where he can go from there
I think you have to think hard whats important to you in a relationship and if he can meet your standards, this man may not ever be the high achiever you want - but is that a dealbreaker?
Any job after unemployment is the best job ever, it boosts you up, means your not on the scrap heap. He's clearly wanting to work and he's just achieved the first step
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (10 August 2011):
 OP, from your choice of words you do not see him as an equal. What if he never reaches an "acceptable" level of equal to you? Does respect and career level go hand in hand with you?
Do you have reasonable expectations of when this goal should be met? Does he know that is a deal breaker for you?
If he doesnt know that you expect him to meet a certain goal for you to take him seriously and not be irritated...tell him quickly.
Where I live, the area was SO hardly hit in the job market that people are thrilled just to BE employed. I am hearing people complain about the pitful raise they got this year.
Most people are getting furloughed, laid off, or pay cuts. There needs to be some perspective.
My ex husband was lamenting to about his financial situation. It fell on deaf ears, because this is someone who will not work if there is a commute, if he doesnt like the smell of the place or if there is no good fast food near by for lunch. He was a true Momma's Boy in every sense. When he could not find a job to his liking, he decided his life was too costly and he hinted to his very well off Mom that he would like to move in to save $. She told him a very strong NO and said "Deal with your life".
Go figure that he decided to get a job and finally figured out he is going to work hard stop to get by.
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A
male
reader, mrg123  +, writes (10 August 2011):
 Anon,
Good to hear. Glad you are. Sorry if I sounded harsh.....its just i can understand his excitement over *any* job being unemployed myself...its a good sign really because at least it shows he wants to work....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess I am already at the point where I am feeling a little bit of resentment. Like the first responsder says "Give him some time and opportunity to prove himself" This is where I am right now...Patience is really working my nerves...I guess i am looking at how realistically he will catch up to my level...Looking like its gonna take years but I also belive in miracles.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (10 August 2011):
Settling means that you are going to accept something that falls beneath your standards without complaint.
Settling implies something resting, like leaves floating down from a tree and layering themselves on the ground. They are no longer in the tree.
You have some high standards and goals for yourself. While you can inspire someone, you can not give them the will to have the same drive like you.
This man is the way he is because of how he was raised. He did not have engrained into the same work ethic you have.
How long did it take for you to have that drive and focus to approach your career? Well, this is sort of a first for him, right? He is not going to pick it up in a short period of time, and possibly not EVER be what you would consider your equal.
Have you thought that maybe your standards for someone else are unreasonable? Have you thought that the two of you are really nice people, but your work ethics/values are always going to be a source of constant conflict?
It would be very draining to feel like you constantly have to "Mother" someone in their own career and emotionally draining that they are not meeting your expectations.
One of you will have to compromise. Will it be one of you or both?
You do not know his potential, nor are you responsible for it, but if you keep on Mothering him in the things that you feel he should be doing, eventually you will resent it and feel less like a partner and more like a parent.
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A
male
reader, mrg123 +, writes (10 August 2011):
Right okies, I think you need to understand his perspective a bit better here to be honest. For example, you say....
"I got him a correctioner officer job interview and he is so excited about it. I am making tripple the salary a year and this man is thinking he just got a six figure job."
When your unemployed, the prospect of a job, no matter what the salary can be thrilling and on that specific point your simply failing to understand that. This is probably tainting your view of him a little if I am honest. Nothing you say really implies his attitude cant change once he is in work. You simply cannot extrapolate from his attitude on this; it's a bit like somebody being in a desert, you helping him to find a stream and then wondering if your going to have to push them to find more water.
My advice here is give him some time and opportunity to prove himself in this new job if he is successful then all good. If not you may have to help him become more self-motivating but wait and see. Good luck :)
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