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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I don't know how to explain this situation. I just know that it's the worst thing that could have possibly happened. Basically, my sister and her ex had been together for almost 14 years and they have two children. They only split up a few months back, but still live together whilst my sister finds a place to live. Recently I have been staying over with my sister (and her ex and two children. A few days ago, her ex told me that he loved me, It made me feel physically sick and I can't believe he put me in this situation, I'm only 16 and he is 38. He says 'Nobody has ever made me feel the way you do, I know its wrong but I can't help it. I haven't even felt like this with people I have been with in the past. I just know that nothing long-term could come out of this and that is what I hate'. I don't feel the same towards him, but I feel like he is pressuring me into feeling the same, he keeps asking me If I like him too but I just ignore him when he asks me this stuff. He tries to get me on my own a lot to talk about the way he is feeling, I really don't know how to tell him that I don't feel the same and I'm beginning to get a little scared because I know he is serious about this. He always says to me 'I hate it when you look at a girl and say she is pretty because when I look at girls, I can only see you, I've never seen anyone as gorgeous as you'. When my sister goes out of the room, he grabs my hand and holds it really tight, he also always asks me to kiss him, saying 'All I want to do is to hold you and kiss you'. I've explained to him that I think it is wrong and that he has made me feel really awkward. He says that I give off vibes that I like him back, and told me that when we have eye contact, he feels like I'm feeling the same, I don't mean to do this and don't understand how I could be doing this when I don't feel the same. I don't want to tell anyone about this because it will make the situation 1000 times worse. I've told him that his feelings will soon change and he will see how silly he was. I just don't understand how a 38yr old man can fall for his ex girlfriends 16 year old sister! I've done nothing at all to make him feel like this and he keeps apologising saying that he should never have told me .What shall I do? Please help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2011): u need to get away as far away from him as possible. dont visit your sister while she is with him.
by not telling the adults about his behaviour , in his eyes it means that u condone him trying to get into your pants.
what will happoen if he should sexually assault you??
what will happen if he spins your sister a tale of you coming onto him?
sleep with your door locked and NEVER encourage him at all.
you are a minor and he must be brought to book for his pressurising tactic to get to you.
this man is scum and your sister must be made aware of his intentions.
LoveGirl
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2011): Everyone's right, you NEED to tell your family about this. This has to stop, now. You are 100% right about him, he shouldn't be doing this, it is wrong and he should NOT be putting you in this situation. However you're wrong about saying it will make things 1000 times worse if you tell someone, because it won't, your family need to know what this man is doing.
It's incredibly wrong of a 38 year old to be feeling this way towards a 16 year old girl anyway, but it's even WORSE that you're his ex's sister.
You really need to put a stop to this. You do seem very mature for your age which is a good job being in a situation like this, but you need to be even more mature and tell your parents or sister about this. Also, I would stop going to your sisters house, or going anywhere where he will be present.
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (10 August 2011):
 This guy is the lowest of the low. I agree with the previous two posters. Tell people about this and start with your sister. You too both need to get out of that house asap.
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (10 August 2011):
You are right that he should never be putting you in this situation. It is highly inappropriate for a 38 year old man to be expressing his love to a 16 year old girl in this context, and it is equally inappropriate for him to have any kind of romantic relationship with the sister of his long term ex partner, even more so with you all living under one roof. It is terribly unfair for him to put you in this position with you being the one to have to deal with it, given the circumstances. He is pressurising you to feel the same way, but you don't and I don't blame you at your age and in your circumstances. Even if you did, you are hardly at an age where you can have an equal relationship, and it would be a gross betrayal towards your sister which you wouldn't want to do anyway, even if you felt differently to how you feel.
It is not right that you have to be around him and don't feel safe, because of this reason, you need to speak to an adult, you should not have to face his pressure on your own without support. You are entitled to feel safe in the environment that you live in. At this stage he is taking your hand which he has no right to do, and asking you to kiss him which is out of line. Next time he might force a kiss onto you. It is important that you speak to your sister, she is your guardian in this context. I am not sure how your parents fit in, you could speak to them too, but if they aren't around you need to speak with her. She would never forgive herself for letting something happen to you under her care, she would feel terrible.
It might help for you to understand how manipulation works. At the moment, you are being manipulated by him. He is trying to take advantage of you sexually in a way you don't want to be, that you aren't ready for, and that is inappropriate. He might have real feelings for you, but that is his problem, he should still know that he should not be taking advantage of you in this way. The way the manipulation works is that he is trying to take advantage of you knowing you wouldn't want to talk to anyone about it especially your sister, and that it will be hard for you to stand up for yourself because you are young, he is much older and a male authority figure in his house. He is using all of these factors against you. This leaves you feeling trapped. You don't want anything to do with him, but you feel like you can't talk to anyone and don't know where to turn. This situation puts you under a lot of pressure, and makes you more stressed and confused the longer it goes on. Being in this stuck position is known as being in a bind, and it can lead to temporary forms of anxiety or depression until you are free from it.
The best way to be free from it is to talk to your sister. That is the one thing he is hoping you are too scared to do, it gives him his power over you. There is power for him in it remaining secret. If you talk to her, he loses his power and you gain power, through being honest. You and your sister both benifit from knowing the truth.
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A
female
reader, silenced  +, writes (10 August 2011):
 His actions don't seem like that of love or like. They seem like that of a creep and someone who could hurt you.
Be very wary of this guy, and I agree with everything the posters before me have said.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2011): Wow. You need to tell your family IMMEDIATELY. This man is a pedophile and he must be dealt with before he does something to you, his child, or some other under-aged child. Tell your parents, tell your sister, tell anyone. Just get it out before it's too late. And by late I mean before he rapes you. This is VERY serious sweetheart and you have to be brave and speak.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 August 2011):
 I agree with QuantumModulus.
You've got to start talking...a lot...to EVERYONE. You are in no position to try to fend him off on your own. He knows you don't like him (you've never said it, but you avoid him. Any man not oblivious knows if a girl's into him or not).
He's grabbing your hand really tight and trying to get you alone a lot. This guy hasn't fallen for you. This guy is LUSTING after your 16-year old body. He's not coming out with it by saying "I want to have sex with you", but he's saying that in lesser terms (I just want to hold you and kiss you) and talking about how pretty you are (i.e. your body).
This guy could force himself on you. I'm just going to say it. 75% of rapes aren't caused by strangers jumping out of the dark. They are caused by people you know, like exes. If he rapes you and you haven't said anything, he'll spin it like you came on to him. You need to talk to other people NOW. Start with your parents, your sister, your friends, your friend's parents, anyone in authority you can protect yourself from this guy from.
This is pretty skeevy because he has known you since you were 2. In the US, the age of consent is 18. This guy does not love you. He is GROOMING you for sex, and he will NOT soon take no for an answer. He's so brazen about it that he's doing it in the house where his ex and YOUR SISTER lives as well as his own children. Children who aren't much younger than you are.
Can you get out of that house? I would suggest if there's a way for you to, you should do it, because you are in no small danger staying there with this grabby 38-year old lech. This is not love. This is gross, and you don't want him. I'm telling you, the only way to STOP him is to TALK and TALK and TALK and TALK and TALK some more. Sing it out to everyone. It will NOT make it worse. It will stop him from possibly raping you.
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