A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I'm on here because I don't quite know what to do.I just found out yesterday on New Year's Day that my boyfriend has been messaging some girl, trying to get into her knickers for the past 2 months. The girl in question sent me the proof. I'm now stuck as to what to do, I've told him it's over but it's really hard. People tell me if I take him back over time that I'll look like a mug. Also be seen as a hypocrite because my mother is in a relationship where she lets anything go. I don't want to be like her. And I don't want to be a mug. What can I do please? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (7 January 2013):
 I can't see any reason to remain friends with him....
I would be friendly and civil if you run into him but
a. do NOT take him back or else you teach him it's ok to even try to cheat on you...
b. being friends still gives him all but sexual benefits of being with you and when he starts to date it will hurt.
just walk away as hard as it is.
I promise over time it will be easier.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2013): Cut contact with him completely.
It will get easier with time, but don't go back to a guy like that.
Good Luck
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 January 2013):
 Very seldom staying friends with exes is a good idea, even with " good " exes . You can't really, honestly be friends with someone you still have romantic feelings for.
In this case , then, friends.... uhm. Do you normally pick your friends among people who deceive you and make a fool out of you ?
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (4 January 2013):
 I think you have to be more discrimminating when choosing your friends. There are plenty of people out there worthy of your respect and admiration. You don't need to settle.
Besides remaining friends is like methadone in that it eases the withdrawal. It also encourages false hope and creates temptation for you. Let him work through that withdrawal. Letting him feel the pain is of more benefit to him than is remaining friends. Avoiding that pain in the future might encourage him to treat others better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe knows the consequences coz he's suffering them. But it's the first slip up he's done. We have broken up. But is it a bad thing if we remains friends? Or be friends and act like friends and nothing else so that I can learn to trust him. I really want someone to answer who's been through it because I don't know what to do.
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female
reader, Ciar +, writes (3 January 2013):
Show him the door and don't look back. Certainly forgive him for your own mental and spiritual health, but don't take him back. For him to be playing about at this young age is a bad sign. It's not as if he's been weighed down by years of mortgage and debt, 3 kids and a miserable wife.
You can help your boyfriend be a better man by showing him that there are consequences. It also helps build your own self confidence because you teach yourself to trust in you to do what's right for you instead of what feels good in the moment. You'd never be able to trust him fully anyway.
You'll miss your boyfriend. You'll grieve. And yes, he does have some good qualities and you had some good times together. You can have that with someone else.
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A
female
reader, Staceily +, writes (2 January 2013):
 This is typical behavior of any man who cheats and gets caught. He is not special or a sweet guy, all cheaters do this. Check out past questions here from ofher women if you want, it's all there. They grovel, beg, cry... Anything to get you back. They say everything right and everything you want to hear and you end up falling for it because you don't want to be without him and you aren't strong enough to stand up for yourself. Then he does something else later and the cycle continues.
Well if you meet him tonight and give in because he is crying expect to end up just like your mother and to be a doormat/mug forever. There are NO excuses for texting another female for sex, NONE. This is the same thing said time and again by any cheater, excuses for their behavior that kind of also puts you at blame for it in a small way. He didn't confess to you because of guilt, he didn't come crying to you when it happened because he knew he hurt you, he cried AFTER someone else told you what he was doing. Shows you how sorry he truly is right... Get a backbone and block him. This will happen to you over and over again if you don't start standing up for yourself now. Cheaters know the types of girls to go for where they will get away with their cheating behavior- don't be that girl.
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (2 January 2013):
 Relationships do include bad patches and periods of boredom. Do you really want to worry what he's up to each time you go through a bad patch or seem bored?
Don't meet him tonight. Sleep on it. Stay strong and re-read the great advice you've got from the aunts if you doubt yourself.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (2 January 2013):
Oh no, you know what to do, it's just that you don't really want to do it because it takes a little of backbone and self discipline.
Surely, it's easier- for now- to believe, or pretend to believe , his " he says he says ". Until the next " rough patch ", which is probably coming up soon...
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (2 January 2013):
 So every time you have a bad patch in the future he is going to get bored and emotionally cheat on you?! In an adult relationship when you are going through a bad patch you try and work on it, you DONT under any circumstances start looking at other women. This shows you the type of person he is, and his committment to you - its none existent basically! Everytime you have an argument or bad patch in the future you will worry that he goes off with someone else, you will never be able to trust him again.
And all of this from him are excuses, he got caught and is now trying to talk his way out of it. You said yourself, he was trying to get into her knickers. So he can claim he wasnt going to meet up with her all he likes, but you know the truth - he was trying to get into her pants and he can claim otherwise all he wants, but he is lying to you.
If this girl hadnt shopped him in, he would still be doing that to you right now. Think about that for a second, you would still be with a guy who is lying to you and cheating behind your back. It probably would have reached the point where he would have met up with her and physically cheated, its just he was shopped in before he had the chance.
Of course he is going to feel bad and grovel, he has lost his girl on the side and you all in one go. Chances are this other girl wont touch him now she knows he had a girlfriend, so he is trying to worm his way back into your life.
This is a guy who cant be trusted and is lying to you to try and get you back, all of his words are excuses for something that cant be excused. There is never a good reason to message another girl behind your girlfriend's back, and being 'bored' is probably the most pathetic excuse I've ever heard. The fact he was 'bored' with you alone should be enough for you to want to stay away with him, this is someone who is supposed to love and care for you yet all he can say is he was 'bored'. If I knew I bored my boyfriend to the point where he wanted to cheat there is no way I'd stay with him!
Get some self-respect, stay strong and never look back. Dont allow his pathetic excuses to work on you, he is lying and trying to cover up what an awful thing he has done. There is no forgiving it, he has broken your trust and that is the end of it.
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A
female
reader, Lolahip +, writes (2 January 2013):
 he's just a sex-digger. ignore him and in two weeks you'll hear he's got a new girl whos just found out he's done the same to her. i would of slapped him in all honesty. become freinds with the girl he was cheating on you with , she most likely didn't realise he was taken , and you too would make good freinds. Plus , you could make him jealous.......
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 January 2013):
 Sorry, just saw your update..
He feels bad because he got found out. He got caught.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 January 2013):
I agree dump him. You can do a lot better that him.
If he has spend the last 2 months trying to get with her, do you really think he has genuine feelings for you? He is just using you til he find someone else.
If you take him back, how long do you think he will take before hitting on another girl?
Why waste time on a guy like that?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe said that he wasnt actually going to do anything with her or meet up with her. He said because we were kinda having a bad patch and said he was getting bored. I've had nothing but him groveling since I found out, just texts and calls on how bad he's feeling and how he shouldn't have done etc. He wants to meet tonight but I just don't know. Absolutely don't know what to do.
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male
reader, kenny +, writes (2 January 2013):
 Ditch him, he is not worth it and you can do so much better than this guy. I know its hard, breaking up is never easy, but breaking up with this guy is 100% the right decision. He does not resprect you, and he is playing you, and he is never going to change. If you do take him back there is always going to be that element of mis-trust, looking over your shoulder all the time, who's he calling, texting, seeing, and this is no life for anyone. Get rid, get on with your life, and find someone who gives you the love and respect that you so rightly deserve.
Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2013): Absolutely made the right decision - it's easy to romanticize at the end of a relationship but you deserve so much better. I think your ex has a lot of growing up to do x
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (2 January 2013):
Ditch him. You're right, you don't want to end up being made a mug of, and you don't want to spend your life letting things go. You're only 18-21, and believe me you'll meet better guys.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (2 January 2013):
If you don't want to be like your mother and you don't want to look like a mig, there's nothing else for you to do than stick to your decisiosn and stay broken up.
This is not some sort of " being cought up in the moment " or yielding to strong sexual impulses or being too weak to say no etc. etc.
He has been grooming her for 2 months , in view of a certain result which he is looking for .
There's an element of premeditation and cunning deception.
If you take him back, not only you'll look like a total mug, but you'll be also calling upon yourself ... more of the same behaviour.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (2 January 2013):
There is not a lot you can do - you made the right decision in breaking up with him so you just have to stay strong. Breaking up is hard, you are going to be tempted to take him back but that is a normal feeling. Breaking up is always going to hurt, its never going to be easy but you have done the right thing so just keep telling yourself that.
Even though your boyfriend didnt meet up with this girl what he did is still called emotional cheating - that is where he is going behind your back, forming an emotional connection with another woman and planning on physically cheating on you. So he is a cheat and a liar, you deserve a lot better than that so everytime you have a moment of weakness where you think you want him back, remind yourself of what he did to you and tell yourself you deserve more than that.
It is going to take a lot of time to heal and get over this, he has hurt you badly and you wont feel ok for a while. Dont rush yourself, it is perfectly normal to feel awful for a few months at least. If you want to cry, go ahead and cry - dont keep it bottled inside. As the months go on you will start to feel better, but keep in mind the healing process does take a long time.
But whatever you do, dont get in contact with him and never allow yourself to go back. What he did is unforgiveable and you shouldnt put up with it, if you go back it will show him you are weak, that he can walk all over you and he WILL do it again. There are nice guys out there who wont hurt you like this, so dont settle for this jerk and wait for a good guy to come along.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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