A
female
age
30-35,
*doresdior
writes:so basically the other day my boyfriend and I of 4 months got in a fight because he found out that I had dated this guy he knows that he thinks is DISGUSTING. It doesn't make sense also because this happened like 6 years ago, it's not fair that he's gunna get me at me over something in my past. But for some reason it really bothered him and he wouldnt talk to me for a couple hours while we were physcially together. but then he got over it and now everythings perfect and back to normal. But today I was looking through his phone and in his "draft" folder which didn't have a name or number to who it was going to be sent to. It said " I don't even know why I'm with( which was my name), she's fucking gross bro, like who hasn't fucked her." I don't know what to think or what to do, I mean I understand that he was really mad but I don't want to be with someone who thinks I'm disgusting. I can't say something about it to him cuz I don't want him to know I looked through his phone that would be embrassing. And before you say why were you looking through his phone you must not trust him.. But that's not it I wanted to read sometexts that's he was fighting with and I just came across this. What do you think I should do? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (18 December 2011):
 It was disrespectful. Perhaps he has a strategy of writing an anonymous note that captures his thoughts at the moment, with no intention of ever sending the note to anyone one. And that is to contain his anger
Then, when he has calmed down he deletes the note. But forgot to this time?
I suspect that he does have some anger issues that he is still grappling with.
IF you can ever fotgive him then work on building more trust so that he feels able to express his feelings and working with you to deal with his feelings.
But some Anger management counselling training might help him to deal with some of his anger.
You certainly SO DO NOT have to be thought of in this way.
If he gets some counselling ask also for a joint session to learn how to discuss rationally and fight CLEAN not DIRTY the way he is resorting to. Because his way will ruin relationships.
But if you have lost all feelings for him and no longer love him then you need to break up.
However I think there is still HOPE for your relationship if he does respect you and if he never intended to send at nasty mean spirited note.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2011): Being a normal man is not a mental illness, ChaliceODamnation.
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A
female
reader, goldie22  +, writes (18 December 2011):
Hunny i really really hope you end it. No man has the right to say these things about you to anybody, the fact that he is being so immature about your ex says alot about what you can expect.for.the future of the relationship. Everyone has a past, its stupid to expect.to.change it.somehow by being manipulative and unkind. Ditch him and find the man u deserve!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2011): As soon as a man is DUMB enough to infer I a whore or slut- his ass is TURFED. What man is so pristine he actually believes he has authority to say that to someone he is dating and supposed to be in love with?
What an EFFED up douche. His mentality alone is a big turn off.
I wouldn't let such a lying, spiteful, ugly creep touch me after he said something wounding. He typed it up, he meant it. He felt it. He is ugly.
I say dump him. He wouldn't know what hit him.
And its suspicious to bring up something that happened 6 years ago. INSECURE and looking for a fight. I suspect he has severe anger issues and is slowly buidling a case to excuse whatever behaviour he has going on. Its clearly not a healthy or rationale mind set this boy has.
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A
female
reader, adoresdior +, writes (17 December 2011):
adoresdior is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you guys!! Your comments have helped me a lot and sort out what to do. Him being just mad is what I was always thinking but then I asked my friends and they say I'm just making excuses for him. I just feel weird now, like I don't feel comfortable around him that much now I feel like he resents me and everytime we have sex I feel like he's thinking " blah blah blah hit this shit" lol and I just feel gross around him now. I can't stop thinking about it. It's like I'm sure not all the girls he's been with is perfect, it's not fair. But thank you so much, I guess I'll say something.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (17 December 2011):
 If it was an expression of his feelings in that moment of anger, then I don't think you should over-analyze it. You should talk to him and ask him what he feels for you now. Agreed that he wrote that in a fit of anger, and maybe he's over it now, but ask him all the same.
Put yourself in his shoes, how would you feel if you suddenly got to know he was physically intimate with the town slut whom you cant stand? That's exactly how he felt. But once he realized that it was all in the past and made his peace with it, he was over it and is now normal with you. While its shocking to read something like this written about oneself, it was his outburst and that's it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2011): Male anonymous is right, if you want to know why, it was because he was angry and upset a pretty normal reaction to finding out your girlfriend has boned a disgusting sleaze. But it passed didn't it? and he didn't send it either. It was just a way for him to vent.
Now you can do what the ladies suggest and jeopordize your entire relationship on something us guys tell you means nothing, or you can trust us guys when we say it was a moment of anger and means absolutely nothing. He didn't say it you, he didn't send that message and was probably only writing it to be able to see what was in his head and see if it made sense to him. I bet my house that he looked at it and said to himself that it was a stupid thing to think and then just forgot to delete it.
Let it go, it's not worth ruining your relationship because it was a private thought he put on his phone for himself to read.
The ladies who posted before and you of course too are understandably upset to think he would think this but it was a moment of anger, we all have stupid thoughts in those moments and you should understand and let it go. Definitely don't confront him, or you make an issue out of something he's probably already past. Now if you need an answer by all means talk to him and ask him if he really was that angry over it. Calmly and non-judgementally ask him if he still feels that way. Don't be angry, sad or emotional just casually ask him. I bet he'll say exactly I and male anon have told you and it will be the truth. If he still feels that way then you have to discuss it further.
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A
female
reader, Freyja +, writes (17 December 2011):
You checked his phone, which puts you in a tough situation. Regardless of your justification, he will think you don't trust him. And it already looks like he's struggling to trust you over your past.The best thing for you guys to do is talk this out, and decide from there.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2011): This isn't something he said to you. He didn't say it to anyone else either. He wrote half a note during a time of emotional hurting and then abandoned it. Now you have dug it up and you're holding it against him. This is not fair. It's no different than if he read old stuff in your diary and held that stuff against you. BTW: Your past bothers him because he is a normal guy. The majority of guys will have strong feelings about a girl's past when they have strong feelings for her. (Yes I understand this is not logical to you. But it is perfectly logical when you are a male and your ancestors chose their mates based on different circumstances from today. Evolution did not make both the genders alike.) He has the right to his feelings. He just shouldn't be giving you ongoing crap about it, that's all.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2011): He's lucky your still around, I would have been unable to keep quiet,before walking away. Your supposed to love and cherish your partner, not insult them to whoever.
Confront him, ask him why he is with you,how he feels and ask for honesty.You need to talk.
Good luck x
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