A
female
age
51-59,
*ee4ever
writes:I have a great relationship with my boyfriend of 2 years. My problem is that we constantly fight over unwanted attention I receive from other men. I am naturally a very friendly person to any individual regardless of age or looks. My career is in sales and I'm good at it. Over the years men i work with have commented on my body, breasts, looks in general. They have switched schedules to synch with mine for overnight office meetings and sent numerous overtly friendly texts late at night. I have handled each situation professionally and made my bosses aware of some of the issues. The late phone texts i simply informed my co-worker that i often switched phones with my bf and thats why i didnt respond.( Btw all the employees phone numbers are emailed out to all staff) The texts stopped. I have told my bf all of this because I believe in full honesty. This disclosure has led my bf to think I'm "asking for it" and caused many fights. I want to know what I can do or say to convince him I am all his and not looking for this. He says he has dated other goodlooking girls in the past but none got hit on as much as me so I must be doing something. Should I stop being honest? I don't dress sexy and when he thinks I am, I've changed. What should I do to fix this?
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (17 December 2011):
 You are in sales and probably very well presented and very likeable. You are not doing anything but be yourself and the result is the men are delighted by you and are happy to show interest in you.
And in response you are reacting in a thoroughly professional manner. Your boyfriend should show more confidence and trust in your ability to handle this professionally. Because you are not encouraging it.
And if anything you are actively discouraging the attention. Point out to your boyfriend, again, how actively you do discourage it.
But don't change who you are. It is because you are so attractive and likeable that you get the sales.
If you get a chance to do so, do mention your boyfriend in conversation at work. If you are allowed to have screen savers showing a family member then put your boyfriend as a discreet screen saver on your computer to show on the monitor when you are away from your computer.
And you could occasionally wear a very nice dress ring on the third finger of your left hand, and if asked tell others it is a commitment ring your boyf gave you.
But remind your boyfriend that you have been lucky to be given nice looks and a nice personality. Hence the attention.
If your boyfriend had been happy to settle for a mean spirited scowling permanently dis-satified screaming foul mouthed wench with halitosis as his girl friend then he would not be faced with this problem (of his Gf getting too much attention from other guys)
But your Bf made his choice, and now he needs to accept that you ARE doing your best to discourage the unwanted attention.
If you have a work function where partners are invited then be sure to invite your bf.
But continue to stay as sweet (and successful) as you are.
A
male
reader, DeadEyeDick +, writes (15 December 2011):
 I don't know about him, but I have a taste for hot women, and by some good grace of genetics, I manage to find some pretty good looking women who for whatever reason are attracted to me??? I bask in the stares walking through the mall with a beautiful girl holding my hand, every guy that walks by stares, my head is huge by the time we get out the door, I personally get off on it, you need to tell your boyfriend if he cant handle the high end merchandise, to put it down and go apply for welfare! he should be extremely happy with himself, he has landed a female that every guy around would take in a heartbeat, seriously, you need to tell him to enjoy what he has, and enjoy the attention, or maybe you'll find a guy who is thinking more about you, and less about himself!!
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 December 2011):
 I just want to point out one thing. If you WANT this attention from the men then it isn't "unwanted attention". If you like the attention you get, and want your boyfriend to be okay with it, thats one thing. It sort of sounds like this is the case.
It's an entirely different matter if you genuinely do NOT want this attention and want it to stop. Because if YOU want the attention to stop, and not just your boyfriend, then you have to take active measures to make sure it stops. This means you need to stop being so flirty and start talking to guys like Cerberus' girlfriend, as if you talk to a priest.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (14 December 2011):
 While the players would be reversed... I could have written this submittal in 2001. I tolerated this lovely girl for 3 years, until her unwarrented/unnecessary jealousy simply got too intense (and frequent!)... so I walked away.... You wouldn't be the first to do the same...
Good luck....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2011): You sound like one of my friends. Her view of a friendly chat is actually very overtly flirty to everyone that sees the way she acts. She fails to see it too and she can't figure out how people think that way. She makes intense eye contact, she is not afraid to touch people when talking and she acts over-interested in what guys have to say. Now when that is guy who fancies her and wants her she doesn't notice so she responds to the way they act to her as if it was nothing but it's incredibly obvious by the guys body language and tone what the deal is.
What's funny and very unfair on her is that she actually has a reputation for being easy with guys for this behaviour. She's actually a virgin and very picky when it comes to guys but the level of comfort she has with being flirted with gives people the impression she'd do anyone because by being that friendly she is actually responding and giving back signals of interest. They may be signals of "I'm fascinated with this conversation" but that's all the same body language and mannerisms as "I'm attracted to you."
The way you describe yourself you're the exact same and it doesn't sound like you'd be comfortable toning it down either. Nor should you have to really, except you're with a guy that is very territorial and you not putting a stop to guys coming onto you is causing tension. I can see why he thinks you are asking for it because while in your head you may not be, the way you act is probably giving out those signals.
No offence but you don't seem to deal with it conclusively either, my girlfriend is flirty too and I'm okay with that but she has her limits. Usually she will notice it first and tone back her behaviour, act a little less interested but she decided very early on that if she gets signs of interests from a guy she'll back off slightly and ensure she doesn't give him any signals. I'm not that possessive and I do trust her but she has innocently got herself into awkward situations before where guys thought it was okay to try it on with her because she showed interest. The last guy that got that idea had her cornered and wasn't taking no for answer, let's just say he left in an ambulance and I left in a police car.
The only advice I can give you is to pay attention to the way you act with guys, are you acting far more interested in what they're saying than is merited? Are they showing signals of interest and are you not closing up shop?
Look the most important thing here is that you be who you are comfortable being. If feeding guys interest in you is something you're not willing to negotiate over then you have to tell your boyfriend that. You don't have to wear a burka and act like a cold fecker to guys but you can talk to a person, be interested in what they're saying without the huge smile and bags of enthusiasm. After that incident my girlfriend started talking to guys neutrally, she didn't have to force it, she just stopped feigning excitement. To her it was a learned behaviour over time because people generally respond well to someone who is that overtly friendly, you know how well it works through your work in sales, happy enthusiasm disarms people and warms them to you in an instant it's a very good technique for making a sale but it's not always appropriate in the context of a guy who is trying to get with you.
My girl basically said she talks to guys now like she'd talk to a priest, friendly, interested yet somewhat reserved and dignified. She wasn't deluded to buy into the whole "natural flirt" thing, no one's a natural flirt, we all have certain codes of language and behaviour we use in certain situations that can be transferred over if we need be. You wouldn't be that "friendly" with a judge in a courtroom for example or your boss in a meeting. You wouldn't accept a police officer complimenting your arse is another example. Transference is easy when you realize you don't have to sell yourself to everyone you meet and you certainly don't have to respond to interest from a guy by showing it back with such visible enthusiasm.
My point is OP we all have our limits and you're edging slightly past his. If you didn't say you were a very friendly person I'd say he had no reason to be insecure but there is such thing as too friendly and it can lead to trouble.
In a sense I understand where he's coming from but you're the one here asking the question so you need to sit down and think to yourself what works for you. Do you think that you may well be too friendly with guys in situations where it really isn't called for and with guys who will respond just as well to you if you act neutral? Is this something you are willing to give a go?
Now the one thing I will strongly recommend is if you do decide to try this then your boyfriend will have to respond in kind and let this go. You have to come to your own decision here how far you are willing to let him boss this and be insecure because if you really are trying and you really do get this neutral thing down then you cannot accept him behaving this way and you will have to reconsider the entire relationship.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (14 December 2011):
The late night texts you excused yourself for not replying to? How about telling them directly that late night texts are inappropriate? Excusing that you didn't reply implies that you'd normally reply to such messages late at night and that they are free to continue sending them to you, which gives them the green light. What you need to do, and what I think your boyfriend might want as well, is that you give these men the red light: sending late night texts is not appropriate and you do not reply to such messages.
I think that you are maybe too friendly to these men. Sure, it doesn't harm you, but there is a reason why they are contacting you so much, whether you think so or not. Some people are natural flirts, ok, but others are naive. I think you, no offense, lean more towards the naive type. You are friendly, but don't know where the line is so you constantly cross it. Your boyfriend is right in that girls can be pretty, or dress sexy too, but that doesn't mean they will get that much attention. More than anything it comes down to attitude. You can wear a garbage bag or dress like a nun, and still be flirty and get tons of attention. So it isn't the clothes or the fact that you are pretty, it's something to do with your attitude.
Now, while I think it is okay to be flirty or get attention, as long as these men are turned down, I see your boyfriends point of view as well. Unless he feels completely safe, wanted, secure and happy in the relationship, then this will be seen as a threat. So what I think is that there is something else going on in your relationship that causes this attention you receive to be a problem.
Talk to him about this attention you get in a calmer way. Talk about it, not fight about it. It might have to be talked about many many times, but if there is progress, and he comes to terms with it, and you agree upon things, then talking helps. He should learn to be happy to have a woman who is so attractive and wanted by other men, and you should learn how to not flaunt this in his face when you know he gets insecure about it. Not saying that you are, but obviously he knows more than he needs to know and it makes him insecure, so even though you just want to be honest, it might be best to not mention this attention you get. Talk to him about it and say to him that you will now stop talking about it, not because you don't want to be honest, but because you know that it bothers him. If he wants to he can ask about it, but don't start telling him "yesterday Greg at the office stared up my skirt and then sent me a late night text which I didn't reply to". The boyfriend doesn't need to know this!
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A
female
reader, Mariab  +, writes (14 December 2011):
 I think that you are justifying your position to the point that you believe you have done all you can to reassure your bf ...BUT obviously...something is still not sitting right here. The late night texting in not simple "friendliness".. that is out of the question. The switching shifts to work with you is also not just "friendliness"... I believe that your "friendliness" is blurring the lines between a colleague and an available willing woman! I also believe that your sharing all the attention you receive with your bf means you are feeding his jealousy (and I think you know this)! We all want to be desired by the opposite sex, we all want to be friendly BUT if it will cause anger, fights and resentment...this extra male attention will eventually lead to loneliness!
My suggestion to you is to take your bf seriously!! LISTEN to his exact concerns and try to find a middle ground! Perhaps what seems innocent and friendly to you...may be perceived by the opposite sex as a come-on. Good luck xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2011): He is insecure and I say, he either accepts you are a good looking woman and that you are in sales; you pick up being overly flashy and friendly which some males will see as whatever it is that they think they can text you.
I think you have handled it well enough. You don't text back or encourage anything, the texts have stopped.
If BF is going to that insecure, maybe he needs counselling. And if that doesn't stop his rudeness and bouts of fighting- not much less to do now is there?
Take it or leave it.
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