A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So i am eight months pregnant and lately the father of the baby/my boyfriend has been acting...distant. its so subtle it almost makes me think im imagining things but we have been together for two years and i know when something is different.Its almost like he's going through a mid-life crisis. But he is only 23 :/He recently started hanging out with an old friend of his a lot. And it feels like...idk something was said when he goes over there because now...he acts cocky and mean sometimes. He talks about how cute or sexy this or that girl is (he has NEVER said that as much as he does now) its like every attractive girl we see on tv or in a movie he has to comment how he'd love to bang her. He has female friends all of a sudden and hides his phone from me. He wants to go out all the time when he used to be the biggest homebody i've ever met. Before i was pregnant I'd always push him to go out and do something but now im big and uncomfortable and just want to stay home and he wants to go to this friends house or go see a movie every weekend.He also is making comments like "once the baby gets here we wont be doing...xyz (having a sex life, hanging out with friends, getting the jobs we want)And every time i try to complain about feeling uncomfortable or tired or how i miss my old life he says comments like "yeah i'm tired too. I hate my job" or "you made this decision, now you gotta live with it"Im starting to feel like he's here more because he feels he should be and not because he actually wants to be.why would he say he'd support me no matter what decision i made? He went out an got a better job, stopped smokin pot...now it seems as if the closer the time gets to have the baby...the more distant and resentful he gets. Can anyone give me any clues as to what might be going through his head? When i ask, all he says is the standard "im excited. i love you. this is what i want"Please help?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2011): I'm the OP of this question and I want to thank everybody for the great advice. The truth is I know he is starting to resent me. I can feel it. But he would never admit it. I've given him PLENTY of time and opportunity to just come clean and admit that this isn't what he wants. I've always said time and time again "the door is wide open, you don't have to be here or do anything you don't want to do"But i feel as though he really does love me deep down and is too good of a person to walk away from his unborn child just to be a single party guy. I think this why he has yet to leave. I also think he resents ME and not the baby because I did make the final decision. Granted if he wasn't so supportive I probably would not have kept the baby, but I decided to keep my son knowing that it could end my relationship. The baby was in no way planned. But we had been having sex (unprotected) for a about a year and a half so...Playing with fire. But i did not try to trap him. I would never do that to him or an innocent kid. He came over last night being so loving and talking about wedding rings and even looking at furniture for an apartment with me. He said he wants me, his son, and him to be a family and I want to believe him SO BAD, but he switches from this person to the one i posted about out of nowhere. And I cant confront him because he only gets mad, blames me, and we end up screaming at each other.I know he'll be a great dad, but he isn't always the best boyfriend :(I don't know if i should stay and hope for the best or just cut ties?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2011): I'm guessing this pregnancy wasn't planned, was it?his words and behavior are loud and clear. He is full of resentment towards you because he didn't plan on this baby or becoming a traditional family with you, at least not right now. But he's still here because he feels obligated to do the right thing.So, he's sticking around because it's the right thing to do, even though he doesn't want it. that's really the crux of the issue. He's doing this because he has to but he doesn't want it.When people do things they don't want, but because they feel they have no choice, they tend to get resentful."And every time i try to complain about feeling uncomfortable or tired or how i miss my old life he says comments like "yeah i'm tired too. I hate my job" or "you made this decision, now you gotta live with it"This shows what he's feeling loud and clear. He IS full of resentment towards you. However since it takes two to make a baby, he bears some responsibility too. Unless you lied to him (like telling him you were on birth control when you weren't) Why is he saying that this was YOUR decision, as if he has no responsibility?"Im starting to feel like he's here more because he feels he should be and not because he actually wants to be."Yes I think you're very right. But you know what, count yourself lucky that he's here even if he doesn't want to be. Many men would have upped and left and shirked their responsibilities. So, I think you should acknowledge that he has a right to feel how he's feeling, and appreciate the fact that he's doing the right thing even though he really doesn't want to."why would he say he'd support me no matter what decision i made? He went out an got a better job, stopped smokin pot..."Again it's loud and clear. He wants to be responsible. So he's changing his life. As a result, he's full of resentment. I think it's asking too much of him to not be unhappy about it. You should be thankful he's so responsible."now it seems as if the closer the time gets to have the baby...the more distant and resentful he gets. "Yes it's very clear that he's full of resentment about having a baby with you because it's not what he wanted. But that said, he does also bear some responsibility so he shouldn't be blaming it all on you (unless you lied to him).However it's very clear he doesn't want this and he's only still here because it's "the right thing to do." I think this speaks well for his character because he didn't just run away and shirk his responsibilities.but what should you do?Personally I think you should acknowledge that he doesn't want to be doing this and is only doing it out of obligation. Yes some times a guy may change his mind and fall in love with the kid once it arrives BUT don't count on that making him actually want this life either, it becomes a two edge sword. He may love his child, but still be unhappy with you or feeling that he's never going to be able to live the life he wanted.It's one thing for a guy to fall in love with his baby once he/she is born, and another thing for him to actually still want the lifestyle that comes with the kid and which involves you and him living together being life partners together forever. That's not the same thing. I think you should have a talk or more with him about how he feels about this whole thing. Acknowledge that right now at least, he really doesn't want to be doing this. Decide for yourself what you want - do you want to keep him around with you knowing he feels this way? why not give him the option to support the child financially but without having to stay with you. If he doesn't want to be with you and be supporting YOU, he shouldn't have to be, because you're an adult you can take care of yourself. As long as he supports the child, he should be given free choice whether he wants to stay with YOU or not. I think this is better than making someone stay with you out of their sense of obligation to your child. Or allowing them to continue to force themself into staying with you and then be harboring all kinds of resentment towards you. That situation does no good to anyone in the long term.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (14 December 2011):
 Well it sounds to me like he is simply wishing he wasnt having a baby and is resenting giving up his youth to become a father. After all, you are both incredibly young to be having a child so he wont be mature enough for this responsiblity anyway.
So in a way, yes he is with you more because he knows he SHOULD be rather than because he WANTS to be. Although I would add, it probably isnt you - it is the baby that is the problem. If you werent pregnant then he wouldnt be acting this way, he would be happy with the way things were going and you would have the same old boyfriend.
But now the baby is nearly here he the reality is setting in that his life as he knows it is over forever and that will be very scary for him. Having a baby at such a young age is frightening, he is realising that he will never be able to do what most young 20 something men do normally - he wont be able to pursue any career he likes, he wont be able to go out anymore, he wont have as much fun, the cinema will be off the menu...you name it, he wont be able to do it at all or very often.
So you have to forgive him in a way for his behaviour - I presume it was your choice to keep the baby and he simply said he'd support you either way, so you made the choice for him to keep the baby - it sounds like this wasnt planned? I know he had sex with you and for whatever reason you got pregnant (contraception failed, didnt use any etc) so yes he is partly to blame, but at the end of the day it is a woman's body and the baby is in your body so it is your final decision, so the man doesnt get much control in this scenario. So it will be very hard for him, having no control over something that is going to have such a huge impact on his life and future.
All you can do is sit tight and wait until the baby arrives - hopefully he will be so amazed by this little person he will forget all about what he is giving up and realise what he is gaining.
But I'm not going to sugar-coat this for you - you are both too young to be having children therefore by keeping the baby you have made a choice to open yourself to the very real possiblity of being a single mom. Men at his age just are not mature enough to be fathers, so it is very common shortly after the baby arrives for the man to leave and run away from his responsiblity simply because he cant cope and he just wants to be young. Yes this is awful, men are cowardly - but by keeping the baby at your age, with a boyfriend of 23 and you are not married either you have basically decided that you are happy to be a single mom because it is not looking likely that he will stay with you.
I'm not saying it is your fault, and I honestly hope this is not the case for you - but from his behaviour it is not looking good I'm afraid. He is very resentful of letting go of his youth and freedom, and as a man he can walk away from the child unlike the mother, his only responsbility will be financial. My bet is that he will last a few months once the child is born but it will be too much and he will leave.
I know it is too late for you now and I honestly hope I'm wrong - but this is why you shouldnt have kids under the age of 25!! Men simply cant cope and women under 25 end up getting left on their own, with very little money and end up struggling for the rest of their lives.
I honestly hope your boyfriend proves me wrong, you sound like a nice girl and you are not like the rest of the silly pregnant teens we get on here. But you have gotten pregnant very young, with a young boyfriend and you are not married - you have left yourself in a very vulnerable position and you need to be prepared for the worst case scenario.
But sit tight for now, lets hope that once the baby arrives he grows up and he accepts his responsiblities as a father. I will keep my fingers crossed for you!
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (14 December 2011):
 He could be nervous about the future, he may be worrying about the changes that are coming, he might be confused about how his life is now going to be determined by the needs of a third person, he might be worrying about how he will be as a dad, and he probably recognises the HUGE readjustments he is going to have to make.
Hang in there, its only a month to go, wait and see how he is when the baby is a reality, if you still have concerns once your hormones, emotions and body are back to normal seek advise from a professional, your doctor for example.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2011): Serial Cheaters are often seen with fellow serial cheaters that encourage sexual trysts. Friends that support sleeping around with multiple partners- its like an alcoholic or gambler that goes back to old haunts and starts drinking or gambling after staying sober/clean.He is resentful probably because he felt pressured to change ie give up smoking pot. But one choses to do so.I am going to suggest individual counselling as well as couples counselling because the change of behaviour and attitude are concerning.He seems very unhappy and that is usually due to when someone has done something they regret or even if he is just angry and hurt and confused by the impending FATHERHOOD and seriousness of being a parent.
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