A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Dear Agony AuntsPlease help a month ago a fell out with one of my bestfriends ill call him ken (not his really name)me and ken had fallen out in the past before because he used to make jokes about my personal apperance which soon turned into serious bullying. We made up and we had almost been friends for almost two years but now ive ended are friendship because i felt he treated me like dirt. Ken has always found it hard to understand when a joke has gone to far. A member of my family died and it was extreamly hard for me to get over it, i soon ended up depressed and found everything pointless the only thing that would uplift my mood was going out with my three bestfriends (fake names) Harry,Rose and Ken. I couldnt tell anyone how i felt but soon found the courage to tell Rose she wasnt supportive and went ahead and told Ken and Harry Ken started to make jokes which just werent funny he kept saying things like i was an attention seeker which really hurt me even tho apartnley it was a joke. Soon it came to kens birthday and he had a row with his dad and his dad kicked him out. i felt soo bad for him so i speant all day makeing him a party the night was a success and ken loved it. My depression became so bad that i had to go into hospital when i got out of hospital i went to see ken he seemed happy i was okay and treated me kindly even tho it didnt last for long. five days after i left hospital i went to see ken it was my birthday and i had told him that on the day but when i went to see him he completely ignored me while i was in his house and everything i said he disagreed with and made out i was dumb. he didnt wish me a happy birthday or anything even tho i had made a massive effort for his which was a few weeks ago.he then started makeing jokes about my depression. i was upset so i stormed out he chased after me and siad it was a joke is it just me or would anyone else find that funny? i went home and when i came home my mum told me then night i went to hospital ken had wrote aload of stuff on my facebook page saying some really terrible things which aparently were jokes. the night i went into hospital i had also went to vist ken in tears so he knew how upset i was. it made me angry and it made me think that he couldnt care if i was or wasnt alright. He has also said things about me while i was in hospital to Rose and Harry which just werent true i ended our friendship via facebook a week later he couldnt even take that seriously ! Its been a month now and ive lost pretty much all my friends except Harry. But Harry siad Ken wants to talk which only normanlly means he wants us to be friends again. I really miss ken as he is one of a kind i saw him on the street a couple of days ago and felt like crying cause i miss him so much :( he used to make me feel really happy and i would love for us to be friends again. but ive just got out of being depressed i couldnt bear to feel like that again what if he makes me feel like this again ? i cant deal with the pain should i take him back ? i know he misses me to when i saw him in the street i looked at him and it was like we were thinking the same thing :( Please help what should i do ??
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi its me again. Well i know this qeustion was along time ago but i thought id tell you what has happened with Ken as yet again i need some more help. Basically i went to Kens a few months ago and when i got there it was abit awkward between us, but he said he was sorry so u accepted his apolgy. He told me to come back to his house in an hour and we can discuss things properly. i was happy eveything was Okayish. In an hour i was walking back to his house feeling really excited that we could talk and everything. but on the way up the path i saw him walking into someones house with a bunch oh his mates. I was furious he had ditched me and yet again let me down. he saw me and ran towards me i was pissed off so i kept walking. I then told him that i didnt want anything to do with him and he had to let me down again. It irritated me the most that we had only just made up and he couldnt even keep that one little promise, and i know that if i hadnt of seen him in the street he would of just went out with his mates and not bothered with me. He called after me but i walked away. I havent spoken to him since then, but ive been hearing things i dont like and im conncered for him. he has gotten into the bad crew at school they have got him smoking cannibas, Inhaling aerosols, And takeing Ketermin ! i am so upset and i just want to help him. apparently he has also been crying his eyes out at school alot and his parents are treating him worse than ever. I still miss him abit not as much as i used to but abit. My One and Only friend tells me that Ken still cares about me but he wont admit it when hes with his so called "friends" as i am not in there little popular group full of drug addicted teenages and 14 year old mothers to be. All i want to know is do you reckon i should try and meet up with him again ? or should i just let him get on with it? is there anything i can do to help get back on his feet? Please help i could use it.Thanks xXxXx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAha thanks againAnd yes now i think about it, i dont think i can fix ken, as with my depression i was the one who decided to change for the better. i gusse it is just his own choice what person he wants to be but i shall be there for him and listen to him. as in the past and not that long ago he normanlly would tell me first if he had a problem such as his dad hurting him or what to do with his new girlfriend etc. but i do feel reather bad now as before the whole hospital inncident whenever he wound me up or siad something i would often say something along the lines of go get beating again or throw every mistake he ever made in his life back at him as he did to me ! i gusse i should apolygize for that as it must of hurt him as much as it hurt me. But i will try and be there for him as much as i can be. And now i think about it he must care about me abit otherwise he wouldnt want to be friends again if i was that bad :D Anyway speaking to him tomorow hopefully thanks all !
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reader, sneha09  +, writes (10 March 2011):
 I too appreciate your decision.Its good to see that you can stand strong and analyzing the situation for both of your welfare.Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2011): Hey there again...
I'm glad I could help, but I do really want to warn you:
Do NOT try to fix Ken. People only change when they want to change. No one else can do it for them. It sounds like an arbitrary rule coming from me, but I find it's just truth of human nature.
Both of you are going through rough patches right now. If you really want to help Ken, wait until you're over mourning your family member. Seriously... if you're emotionally weak at the moment, you're in no state to prop someone else up.
About the only thing you can do to help Ken is to be a person in his life who is willing to listen to him and willing to take his feelings and problems seriously. That seems to be the thing he lacks at home. This does not guarantee you will fix him. But it would show him an alternative way to handle his emotions.
Best of luck to you!
-mishmash
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you :)This has really helped me, and what mishmash has said makes alot of sense, Ken has said things to me in the past about his father being controlling and at some points beating him, and whenever I used to go around his house if Ken ever tried to be nice to his dad, his dad would just block him out.I think I understand now why he can be so harsh. It's because he's used to people being harsh to him. And for what the other people have said when we last fell out, Ken did try soo hard to change he realized what he had done and really did try. He kept it up for about a year but I think it might have started again because of his dad beating him and stuff.And what I saw in Ken in the first place was that he was one of a kind, he was very intelligent even though he didn't show it around many people. I am going to speak to him soon and I am going to try and fix things with him, but I am not going to rely on him anymore and I am not going to trust him with big things as he has ovbiously got a lot of problems of his own. I know I may be ill at the moment, according to my therapist and other people I see, but I am going to try my best to fix Ken. I know he will not return the favour and I am prepared that he will spit all his abuse at me but he has given me some memories that will never die and although I am going through a rough patch, so is he. I know some of you may think I'm stupid in doing this but I will fix him for the better. Thanks all of you x
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): Hey there,
I just want to pretty much second most of the things said here; Ken is a jerk, Ken is insensitive, and you did the right thing telling Ken you didn't want to be his friend anymore.
But, I want to also say there might be huge differences between you and ken. It's these differences I think that make him bully, make jokes especially at inapporpriate times, take these jokes too far, and that make it so hard for him to see why you get hurt in the first place.
Losing a close relative has to be pretty hard. I'm 30 and I've never been to the funeral of a close relative, so even though I would be respectful of someone whom it happened to, I have NO idea what if feels like. To this day, when friends lose someone close to them, though I know enough that you shouldn't joke about it, I'm never exactly sure how to deal with it apart from givig them a hug and showing up.
That might be the one gap between you, he doesn't know what it is to have lost a close family member....and he doesn't know what it is to mourn a loved one.
Another thing I noticed in your post: Ken looks like he has a rough home life. I'm not apologizing for his behavior at all, but if his own father kicks his teenage son out of his house on his birthday, then I suspect things are pretty rough at home. His dad may bully him. His dad might make fun of him as well. I can only imagine that Ken has to deal 24/7 with people who don't express love and affection in typical ways. Since he can't run away from it (even though you did a wonderful thing by throwing a birthday party), he has to find another way to deal with it, which in Ken's case turns out to be a poor sense of humor.
A lot of teenagers laugh at their pain as a way of dealing with it. They don't get sad either, because they laugh at their own sadness and feelings of vulnerablility...
The thing is, when you reasonably expect that your friends should care for you and sympathize with you and come to Ken as a shoulder to lean on, Ken may literally not know how to do. Why? Because his family hasn't seemed to do that for him. It also explains why he treated you so badly particularly when you were "inside" his house. He's probably used to taking on the attitude that his feelings don't matter, especially there.
Again, I'm not apologizing or excusing Ken, but I want to suggest how he got to be such a bad friend. And I also want to disagree with a couple people here: Ken can change. He will change. The break in your friendship will probably help facilitate that change, because it obviously bothers him.
What should you do? I say keep your distance while you're in mourning. In the future, if Ken wants to try to be friends, let him approach you. And don't lean on him for sympathy either. You sound like you're a great friend, he may just not know how to be...but I think he could learn alot from you. It's not your job to fix Ken, but I wanted to tell you why he might be the way he is. You obviously miss Ken...I think if he grows up a little, leaves home, and learns from his mistakes he could come back to you one day and give you an apology you really deserve. This has happened to me and I don't see why it shouldn't happen to you.
Best of luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): I agree with everyone here.
A lot of the time friendships have expiry dates, and it looks like your time is up.
When you accept this and move on, you will be a lot happier.
Real friends don't do those things, he obviously doesn't care about you, so don't waste your niceness on him.
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female
reader, sneha09 +, writes (9 March 2011):
It's very common in this age. When I was your age a few of my friends used to joke around. Even I faced the same but not to this extent. I got depressed and stopped talking, but it got settled by a mutual friend and I am still friends with those people. Now you are so depressed that you had been hospitalized and he didn't care about it at all. It would be better to avoid him but if you really need to talk to him then I will just advise you to keep a distance from him. Obviously you can talk and have little chat together but don't give him the chance to disturb you like this and either try to give a good answer or warn him if he tries to do a bit of it. You should keep in mind that there is a very little chance that he will change and if you spend much time with him, he will continue the same. According to me, he can't be your good friend anymore.
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male
reader, uncle bob  +, writes (9 March 2011):
 This "creep" is not a friend, he uses you to feel better about himself. He's a verbal bully!
True friends build each other up, not tear each other down.
There are millions of quality people out there.
Find yourself one of those, you'll be far happier and wonder what you ever saw in this "Ken" character.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): honestly this may seem harsh but "ken" seems like the type of guy that needs to bring people down no matter what, if what you say is true he is making personal attacks on yourself and to be honest i would not forgive him for what he has said to you. Dont kid yourself that he will change he has made that quite clear im my eyes by making "jokes" when you where going through a ruff patch in your young life. sorry if this is harsh its what i would do.
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