A
male
age
36-40,
*olidus
writes:I'm struggling with a problem that's destroying me. I'm helplessly in love with my best friend. She's everything I ever wanted in a girl. Unfortunately, she's extremely broken. She was molested on different occasions by her brother and her uncle and no one believed her, not even her mother. This caused her to try to commit suicide several times. She's also had a string of relationships that ended in heartbreak with men treating her badly. I fell in love with her by just talking on the phone after she moved away to another state. Our friendship has been difficult ever since I told her that I was in love with her. She takes things the wrong way and gets angry at me a lot. she recently visited here and it wasn't until being her physical presence and having a conversation with her that I realized how damaged she was. She told me that if she could stop living right now and go straight to heaven she would, she also said that she thinks she's going to die young. I told her that when I say "I love you" I can see it has no meaning to her. She agreed. She hates the word. It makes her physically cringe every time it's said to her. she agrees the word has absolutely no value to her and says she wants a new word for it. She also told me that she doesn't understand why I love her. She doesn't even understand WHY someone would be in love with her! And doesn't like being called beautiful and that she hates when men tell her that she is, including myself. When she's in her new state she dates unsavory men, junkie drug dealers (who's "cleaning up his life now", so she says) and guys who are emotionally unavailable, just down to spend money on her and fuck her, but not actually be there for her in any meaningful way. I do more for her than anyone and she doesn't acknowledge my love, on the contrary...she mocks and belittles it. In the car the other day it only took her 10 mins to break my heart in every way imaginable. She told me that my love was obsessive, all the while singing the praises of some other "Sweet guy" who she wishes she acknowledged before he had a gf! Keep in mind this guy was supposed to pick her up when she got into town, but left her high and dry without a phone call or a text, and who do you think drove an hour to go get her without her even having to ask? yeah, me. That conversation in the car broke me emotionally and insulted me deeply. If my love is obsessive, then what does regular love look like to her? Guys who let her down? Guys with emotional or drug problems? Love is pain to her? Love hurts? She also mentioned how this "Sweet guy" is the type of person who would fly her here and make her a housewife. I told her I'd do the same and she sympathetically responded "yeah, but you can't afford me right now" -_-So...is the fact that I have less money than this other guy what puts him ahead of me in line for her heart? She says she loves me, but she's not in love with me, but I ask how can you be in love with anyone if you don't even love yourself? She says that she does, but her words and actions prove otherwise. I know that she's sad inside, disillusioned, and broken and most people agree I should just cut her out of my life if she hurts me, but I can't. I love her more than anyone I've ever known. And I don't know if I am, but I'm trying to be strong enough to help her find a place where she can be truly happy...maybe even if it's not with me I guess. I'm sorry if I sound like some whining jerk. I'd really appreciate it if anyone out there could help navigate me through this issue. What should I do about her in general? Should I tell her how much she hurt my feelings by belittling and insulting my love for her or not bring it up at all? She's hard to talk to because she shuts herself off, refusing to communicate, and never validates my feelings...and I know thats some sort of defense mechanism to protect herself, but its just hard to deal with.
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male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (28 June 2013):
 I think you should do whatever you feel she'll respond to best. It's really important she gets professional help. People can and do recover, so persevere but don't pressure her.
A
male
reader, Solidus +, writes (28 June 2013):
Solidus is verified as being by the original poster of the question I've been reading up on post traumatic stress disorder and I think my friend definitely has this stemming from her sexual abuse as a child . She exhibits all the symptoms such as Nightmares (either of the event or of other frightening things), Inability to remember important aspects of the trauma, Loss of interest in activities and life in general, Feeling detached from others and emotionally numb, Sense of a limited future (you don’t expect to live a normal life span, get married, have a career),Irritability or outbursts of anger. She gets really angry over really insignificant things sometimes and this may be why...Should I bring this up to her?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2013): It's not that you have less money than this other guy it's just that she doesn't fancy you! You're in the friend zone... the deepest level - the best friend zone! Whereas this guy is someone she actually fancies on a sexual level.
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A
male
reader, Solidus +, writes (26 June 2013):
Solidus is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe told me that in the past she was seeing a therapist, but she hasn't in a long time. Just going by the things that she's told me and her behavior she may very well need to see one again, but I wouldn't begin to know how to bring that up with her unless she initiates said conversation. saying that you'd rather be dead than having to face the difficulties and hardships of life is extraordinarily depressing. And while it could very well just be dramatic hyperbole knowing her past and that she has tried to kill herself before makes it a more significant problem. She told me she'd never try to do that again, but that doesn't change the fact that she's really depressed.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (26 June 2013):
She's in a mess and needs professional help.
She's not ready for a relationship, so stop trying to start one with her. Be there as a friend if you want, but nothing more.
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A
female
reader, HeresBoo  +, writes (26 June 2013):
 I urge you listen to fishdish. Far as I'm concerned that is the truth. She needs a lot of help from professionals who can help her in the best way she needs.
I, myself, was sexually assaulted by a family member (no where near the kind of trauma she has been through mind you) and I have struggled with depression and still struggle with anxiety attacks. I found the biggest help to me was my high school counsellor who just cared for me and thought me how to logically deal with the issues I had laid out on the table.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (26 June 2013):
 I don't think she's ready to be with someone as stable as you. I think she knows you're the real deal in terms of your commitment to her, and she's not ready to be with someone so emotionally open and in fact she wants emotionally unavailable men. This isn't really your place to say to her, but she needs tons of counseling if she hasn't really sought it out yet. I understand your wanting to help her and your deep feelings towards her, but she's never going to be what you want her to be (emotionally available) unless she faces the trauma and gets help for her depression (which, assuming/preferring death over life is generally a good sign).
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