A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I had a fling with a married man. I posted here not long ago but I think my question reached a max with 27 answers because I tried to post a follow up and the site would not allow me.This is my follow up. You can say I TOLD YOU SO and I had it coming to me. He pretty much used me and tossed me aside like a piece of garbage. He is now ignoring me and pretending like nothing ever happened between us. I know, I am to blame totally. I am a stupid fool who gave him the permission to use me. I was a willing partner. I deserve all this pain because I brought it on myself knowingly. I hate myself for letting him use me. I hate that I was so stupid and low. I guess the fantasy of it all felt good. He made me feel special at least for a little while. And to go from that high to the most painful low in such a short time is so hard to handle.It felt so amazing when we were together. Total intoxication. Now total despair. And aloneness. Feeling sad and hopeless. Used and like scum. I know nobody will have any kind words for me. I do not deserve them. I helped a pig cheat on his wife. He even told me he would never leave her and I still did it. I guess a part of me was hoping he would change his mind and see how beautiful I was inside and out and want to be with me. But instead he sweet talked me, told me I was beautiful, everything a woman wants to hear from a man, only that he did it with a purpose... the purpose of getting me into bed. Because once that mission was accomplished, I ceased to be special, beautiful... I ceased to exist in his eyes. And do you know how bad that feels? To be on the receiving end of being treated this way?I work with him. I cannot find another job. I need it. I have no option but to stay. And I need to see him often. But it hurts me incredibly to even look at him right now. I have been avoiding any eye contact. I know I am to blame but he still went ahead and pursued me even though he was married and knew it was wrong. I am single. But I know that in no way excuses my actions.How do I maintain a relationship with him when I am so hurt by him and being around him makes me feel so mad at him?How do I handle this with grace? I know I made a mistake but I need to get myself out of the hole I dug for myself and back on solid ground. I feel like I lost a part of myself. I have never been with a married man before. It was always against everything I have ever believed but this time it happened.I feel so defeated and horrible. So many other men are waiting to date me but my heart is still wrapped around this MM and I need to free it.Any help you could give me, I will take. Thank you all. :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha, I think I get the picture.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (10 July 2013):
 I did some searching using the search feature here at DC. You've been ramping up to this for some time. I don't really think you want advice, to be honest. You want the attention. Part of that histrionic personality disorder thing.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/married-man-let-himself-get-close-to-me.html 14 April 2013
"I don't want to get caught up in all the games...I know I would get used if I ever got involved with him but it does hurt very much. "
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/hes-an-older-married-man-and-the-chemistry.html 7 February 2013
"I know it is wrong to have an affair and I do not wish to do that."
"I did not ask for this. And the last thing I would ever do is cheat.
My question was how can I make this easier on myself? How can I get over this attraction? I did not ask how do I cheat with this man!"
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/am-i-in-danger-of-crossing-the-line.html 16 May 2013
"I was hurt so badly by a guy who had a girlfriend and strung me along and just got over him not long ago. It was such a hard time in my life. I am afraid I am going to go down the very same road. I just can't put myself through that kind of pain again."
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/attracted-to-a-married-man-he-is-making.html 28 May 2013
"I am vulnerable right now and going through a separation and he made me feel good"
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 July 2013):
OP, with all due respect, you are rewriting your own history.
"I have gone on. I have been happy. I have not paid any attention to him in any way for the past while." The 'past while' has been one month.
Going back to that older post: "I could really use some help. I am feeling elated but way more rotten and stupid for doing what I did. I feel like I created a mess for myself."
and then this one, only one month on:
"He pretty much used me and tossed me aside like a piece of garbage. He is now ignoring me and pretending like nothing ever happened between us. I know, I am to blame totally. I am a stupid fool who gave him the permission to use me. I was a willing partner. I deserve all this pain because I brought it on myself knowingly. I hate myself for letting him use me. I hate that I was so stupid and low. I guess the fantasy of it all felt good. He made me feel special at least for a little while. And to go from that high to the most painful low in such a short time is so hard to handle."
Drama drama drama, high low, sexual attraction, pain, drama drama drama.
Then we get the teenager's defense, along the lines of, I'm not the only one who has ever cheated and I won't be the last.
You ask, why does he pursue you?
Because he wants to have sex with a willing partner and you are convenient and willing. Not because he cares about you in any way other than that. He's not in love with you and he's not going to leave his wife for you.
I think you came closest to your truth with this: "I think the feeling of an affair unfortunately is very addictive for both people involved. It is a high that cannot be matched."
So perhaps stop with the hollow and phony cries for help with coping with the aftermath, when you purport to be going into this with full knowledge of what you are getting into.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAuntyEm, thank you for caring enough to share your story. It did leave an impression on me. And thank you for not being judgmental like some of the others. It is ok if they are. They do not know me. All they see is a home wrecker and a whore. I put myself out there and I expect these comments and judgements.I won't be alone. I have a great deal of male interest but I choose to ignore the others because of the chemistry with this one. I don't have that kind of chemistry with anyone else. It is a very hard thing to ignore.The honest truth is I have been through worse pain and nothing scares me anymore. I just want to feel good for a change. This is making me feel good for now. I am not justifying my actions. I am only explaining why.He has told me from day one that he is not leaving his wife. This has helped me to keep my emotions in check. Yes I have had some weak moments but hey I am not made of steel. It is not an easy situation.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLol C Grant!!! Not all women are like Fatal Attraction!!! And let's be honest, it would be a dream come true for most men IF they knew they could pull it all off flawlessly SANS A FATAL ATTRACTION SCENARIO!!!!
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (9 July 2013):
 I really didn't think I had anything to contribute here until your "dream come true" comment.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but if I were ever tempted, all I have to do is think back to "Fatal Attraction."
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093010/
More like "nightmare avoided" than "dream come true" I think.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (9 July 2013):
 I have never been involved with someone else's husband but my best friend has. She was involved with a family friend for 3 years and knew his wife well. He told my friend he wanted to leave his wife and that they never had sex, but he couldn't leave because of the children and finances.
He would meet my friend for lunches (because evenings were obviously difficult for him to get away) and sometimes they would go for drives and have sex in hotel rooms and sometimes in his car. He told my friend that she was his 'soul mate' and said that one day he would leave his wife and be with her. The truth was that he WAS having a full sex life with his wife and they were planning to buy a new house and do it up!...he just liked having my friend for sex on the side because it was an ego boost and my friend decided to confront his wife and tell her what was going on...
The aftermath was awful, he and his wifemore or less ganged up on my friend, accusing her of lying and trying to break them apart!!...you can imagine how she felt. The sick thing was that a few months after he had sttod by his wife and accused my friend of lying, he phoned her and tried to sweet talk her into having sex with him again. He said his wife was a cold fish and didn't understand him. He said that my friend had no idea how difficult things were for HIM!!! (selfish pig)
A week after this conversation my friend and I went abroad for a weeks holiday and she cried for the entire time we were there because she was so convinced she loved him and that he wanted to be with her...
That was four years ago and he never did leave his wife, they have a new house and a new grandchild!!
My friend is 52 now and is still single and because of the hell she put herself through believing this idiot was the only one for her...she probably will never trust another man again in her life!
You think things are going to be different for you?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd one more thing. I have gone on. I have been happy. I have not paid any attention to him in any way for the past while. Guess what? It bothers him. So much so that he began to pursue me again!!!! WHY???? He cannot stand to see that I am happy? He cannot stand that I am not paying attention to him anymore? Would this not tell him he should let it be? STEP BACK? NO! He starts his pursuit..... AGAIN!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCome on people! This is becoming a witch hunt!!!!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionVery clever Eyeswideopen. Good for you if you can stay married that long. But I was once married and would never do that again. There is a definite upside to being single. I love my freedom. I don't want to be married to him honestly. We have nothing in common except for great sex. He can go home to her. I admit my feelings were involved before and I felt like shit but I have since distanced my feelings a lot more and know what to expect. He clearly is missing something in that relationship for him to seek me out. It is not as happy as you might think.As for any of you not being involved in this kind of affair, you don't know what it is like from the inside looking out. If you were in it, you might understand my feelings a little more instead of being judgmental. I am not the only woman this happens to. I won't be the first. I won't be the last. It happens to millions everyday and there are reasons. Maybe you have not met that one married man who you felt an uncontrollable sexual pull to and vise versa? Where all the conditions were prime and perfect for the affair to happen? Where everything in the universe lined up and put you in a position you could not refuse. We are all human and these situations happen day after day after day. And they also happen to men who are single who fall for married women. But are we as harsh to them? I highly doubt it.As for the men who are MIA on this post, they don't say much because having a girl like me on the side is a dream come true for them. They know it. So, why piss off all you women?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 July 2013):
Hey, I found this post on webmd:
Histrionic Personality Disorder
Histrionic personality disorder is a mental condition that is characterized by excessive emotional reactions, attention-seeking behavior, and personal drama. These features usually begin in early childhood.
A person with histrionic personality disorder likes to be the center of attention and is easily influenced by others. Suicidal threats or gestures, while common, are often used to seek attention rather than to succeed at suicide. Inappropriate sexual, seductive behavior is common. Also common are shifting, shallow emotions and the perception that relationships are more intimate than they are in reality. Interpersonal relationships are unstable and unfulfilling. Marital affairs are common as the person with this disorder seeks excitement from new relationships rather than nurturing existing relationships.
People with this disorder are usually able to function at a high level and are successful socially and at work.
Medicines are not very helpful in treating this disorder. But professional counseling might help reduce the intensity of symptoms.
Histrionic personality disorder commonly occurs with other mental disorders such as depression or borderline personality disorder.
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I wish I could do bold type here but this is key: "Interpersonal relationships are unstable and unfulfilling. Marital affairs are common as the person with this disorder seeks excitement from new relationships rather than nurturing existing relationships." Sound familiar at all?
And thank you, YouWish, for pointing that many male aunts have commented on the previous post.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 July 2013):
 By the way, I'm not trying to be mean, but didn't your fishing and sucking up and seeking male attention get you into this mess in the first place??
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 July 2013):
A male reader, mkateko +, writes (25 June 2013):
A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 June 2013):
A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2013):
A male reader, Serpico +, writes (11 June 2013):
A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (11 June 2013):
Really? You actually *need* more??
Please re-reference the anonymous male reader from your other post, and remember that every other guy who has posted on your two attention-seeking threads says pretty much the same thing:
"A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2013):
I cannot believe that you still want to talk to this scumbag!!!!! Get some self esteem, because it looks like you have none. What will you say to creepies wife when she finds out? (and you can bet on it, she will find out)
How much more proof do you need to show that he is a heartless bastard? Now go find a nice single guy to date."
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (9 July 2013):
 just read the last sentence of my hiccup post....dang it
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (9 July 2013):
Went shopping and got some great deals, you guys shoulda come with...Anyway OP aren't you getting to be of the age where you are a tad worried about the possibility of ending up old and all alone? I mean he's made it very clear that he's sticking with his wife (whom he's just with because of finances...cough). You know you could be out there finding someone you could actually have next to you in the bed EVERY night, holidays, weekends, you know someone with whom you can grow old. I know I'd be thinking along those lines if I were your age. And by the way I've been involved with a married man since 1975.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (9 July 2013):
Went shopping and got some great deals, you guys shoulda come with...Anyway OP aren't you getting to be of the age where you are a tad worried about the possibility of ending up old and all alone? I mean he's made it very clear that he's sticking with his wife (whom he's just with because of finances...cough). You know you could be out there finding someone you could actually have next to you in the bed EVERY night, holidays, weekends, you know someone with whom you can grow old. I know I'd be thinking along those lines if I were your age.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 July 2013):
Honest truth? I have NEVER been involved with a married man. I have been propositioned by several, both when I was single and when I was involved and married. It's not difficult to figure out that getting involved with a married man is a recipe for personal disaster. I don't care how handsome or charming or sexy they were, that was just something I was never going to do. Not difficult at all, and it saved a lot of drama.
No, I'm not qualified to diagnose whatever condition you have. What was it you were here to ask? Oh right, a married man that you encouraged to come on to you treated you like shit and you felt awful and lousy and the lowest of the low. And what a surprise, here you are, saying "Oh I just can't help myself." All we are doing is calling B.S. when we see it. It's like watching some sort of slow-motion trainwreck, where you know what is going to happen, and you know you could stop it, if only the engineer of the train would pay attention to the signs. Waving off red flag after red flag, "Oh I am just so stuck on these train tracks I can't possibly slow down, poor me, isn't everyone just like me in this same predicament?" Um, no. You are out there, granted with other women who do fool around with married men. It's just normally, the ones who get badly hurt don't go back for more punishment. The sex just isn't worth the aftermath.
I expect the men aren't commenting because it's so obvious to them they can't possibly believe that you are this oblivious and stubborn. They're thinking, 'geez louise, she's just some cheap lay on the side, and he's selling her on all the romance with some slick talk and googly eyes.'
Men, please, by all means, chime in.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd with all due respect Tisha, you are not qualified to diagnose any condition I may or may not have. Good guess I suppose.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd where are the men? I would like to hear from some men and what they think?
I know what the women are thinking... I wonder how different the male perspective would be? Would it be different at all?
It is an interesting question...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAny of you ever been involved with a married man? Honest truth?
I know you will say you would never be so stupid etc. Ok, I get that. BUT have you ever crossed the line with a married man ever in your lives?
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (9 July 2013):
Come on Girls, let's go shopping....
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 July 2013):
 I get you OP. You like the drama and the attention and you want us all to pat you on the head and say “poor baby, the heart wants what it wants and we have NO CONTROL” YOU want us to say this. Or actually you NEED US to say this. NOT going to happen OP. MOST of us here have had a case of “the wants” for a person or a thing that’s bad for us. WE say NO even though we don’t want to.
Do you watch your weight? Do you ever say NO to dessert or a snack or ice cream? Do you ever say NO to a drink or to drugs or to an outfit you want but it’s not in your best interest to have? IF you have ever said NO to something you WANTED but knew was wrong for you, then you have the ability to say NO here.
Let me point out that you are currently MAKING THE CHOICE TO make bad choices by encouraging and enticing this man to give you attention and feed your ego.
Your last update says it all “if he backs off I seek him out” WHY do you think you do this? WHAT are you getting out of this relationship with this man that NO ONE ELSE IN THE WORLD can provide?
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A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (9 July 2013):
 Saying you are both "messed up" is just making excuses. Lots of people go through really bad stuff. You're not the only one.
Like others have said, there is no point in trying to help because pretty much every person on this post and your last has told you the same thing and you don't listen, so why even ask advice?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 July 2013):
I agree with YouWish, why are you here? This all sounds more like someone on a stage hoping for an audience. You do need professional help.
I found a syndrome which may describe your condition: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Histrionic_personality_disorder
Histrionic personality disorder.
Histrionic personality disorder (HPD) is defined by the American Psychiatric Association as a personality disorder characterized by a pattern of excessive emotionality and attention-seeking, including inappropriately seductive behaviour and an excessive need for approval, usually beginning in early adulthood. People affected by HPD are lively, dramatic, vivacious, enthusiastic, and flirtatious. HPD affects four times as many women as men.[1] It has a prevalence of 2–3% in the general population, and 10–15% in inpatient and outpatient mental health institutions.[2]
HPD lies in the dramatic cluster of personality disorders.[3] People with HPD have a high need for attention, make loud and inappropriate appearances, exaggerate their behaviors and emotions, and crave stimulation.[3] They may exhibit sexually provocative behavior, express strong emotions with an impressionistic style, and can be easily influenced by others. Associated features include egocentrism, self-indulgence, continuous longing for appreciation, and persistent manipulative behavior to achieve their own needs.
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Sounds like the OP to me.
Pro help or the cycle repeats, I think.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 July 2013):
I'm sorry, but why are you here then? We're not qualified to be your therapist, and it's become clear at least to me that you need professional help instead of an anonymous advice column. We can only give advice, but if you won't, don't, or can't follow it, then what's the purpose?
(DISCLAIMER: I say "we", but I can only speak for myself, wouldn't presume to speak for others.)
Are you an addict? Do you need rehab? Because you speak as though you are one, and your relationship is as emotionally destructive as heroin.
This guy doesn't walk on water, and if the best thing you can find is some guy who uses you as a semen collector and emotionally abuses his wife by alienating affection, then turns and emotionally abuses YOU by withholding until you are a quivering mess, then you really need professional help. That's like saying that the only food you want to eat is the maggot-encrusted leavings of a week-long picnic across the street from a delicious and nutritious farmer's market.
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female
reader, Sarahss +, writes (9 July 2013):
 Everytime he comes to you and talks sweetly and is kind and adores you, remember the moments that he ignored you and was mean to you and made you feel like a used garbage. Then you can hate him. He is worse than a normal cheater, because he is a player and plays with your mind. Put all your energy in getting your revenge from him for the pain he put you through. I dont mean to downgrade yourself to his level. I mean think well. Put yourself together and with the advises you get here, give him a lesson no other woman has given him in his life. Show how much you worth it. Show him you know his game and you know how to turn the game to a winning one for yourself. Why not talking with his wife? Make him wonder how his slave turned out to save herself. You can do it, girl! Dont bring yourself down and hurt your self-esteem with diminizing yourself. As one of the aunties said, you made a mistake, you realized it and now need to apply the lesson you learned. The problem in my eyes is that he treats you so badly and plays you. He could have been a cheater who treats the other woman always nicely. But he doesnt even bother to do that. This makes him the worst of the cheaters. You know, i wouldn't have felt that bad if you were in this with open eyes and just enjoying the sex, but not believing his lies and every time he was lying about loving you or the problems with his wife, etc, if you were just considering it as a joke and making him know that these are all lies and telling him that you enjoy the sex and that's why you have sex with him and that's all and you dont buy the lies. Making him feel as you are using him too. But, instead everytime you let him tell you the lies and treat you like a lover and you truly believe him. I am really feeling bad for you. God bless you girl:(
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just can't give him up. I can't do it. If he backs off, I seek him out. If I back off, he seeks me out. Vicious circle.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 July 2013):
Excuse me, but wasn't this rock bottom? "Now total despair. And aloneness. Feeling sad and hopeless. Used and like scum. I know nobody will have any kind words for me. I do not deserve them. I helped a pig cheat on his wife."
How many rock bottoms do you have?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd I thank each and every one of you sincerely for your words of advice, caring and your WISDOM above all. I can't say I disagree with any of you. But he is fulfilling some need I have right now. I have a feeling he is going to make a move on me again soon.
Sadly... some lost souls cannot be saved. I may be one of them.
And maybe I need to hit rock bottom to find my redemption.
He is messed up too. We both are and we are seeking refuge in our addiction to one another. Very sad but true.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 July 2013):
You will do what you will do. Your pain when it's over and he's back with his wife will be no doubt similar to what you experienced when you first wrote this post.
Maybe having that same pain over and over again is your way of numbing yourself to the other problems you reference but don't describe. Those problems will still be there when you get home in 4 days time. And I expect we'll be hearing from you again, as you will have learned nothing new. Sorry that you are so stuck. Hope you figure it out someday. You've had plenty of people offer their insight and guidance.
Safe journey.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (8 July 2013):
I take it you didn't go with the whole 'stapling a note to his tie' thing lol!!
Whatever terrible thing your life is, that you are allowing a 'cheating pig' to be your only focus for enjoyment, needs to be addressed or you are heading for complete heartbreak and most likely a total breakdown.
I have been answering relationship worries on Dear Cupid for over 7 years and have seen your 'problem' written over and over by hundreds of women who got involved with a married man...
I cannot remember one single incident where it worked out and I am pretty sure if it had of worked out, someone would have came back and told us we were wrong with our advice!!
I don't think you will take anyones advice and you have been told the truth here about what will happen by three TOP agony aunts on DC, Namely YOUWISH, TISHA and SO VERY CONFUSED amongst others. These ladies know what they are talking about and we've tried to convince lots of women to cease affairs with married men because we know that almost all will fail and cause massive heartache.
But...
It's your life and you obviously get some kind of enjoyment from this guy, so to hell with everything else...right? To hell with the doubt and the deception and his wife, to hell with the 'being used for sex' and the empty promises that will never be fulfilled and to hell with anyone who tried to talk you out of your 'fantasy' because you know what your doing...right?...and you can handle it can't you?
Maybe you will be the first to come back here and tell us all that 'sexual chemistry' won the day and he dumped his wife for you (Yay!)
To all my other DEAR CUPID lovely Aunts...WE TRIED XXXX
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know how to end it. But do I want to? You are right on. That is the question. I am going on a business trip this weekend with him and a few others on my sales team. We will be away for four days. I will need to be very strong.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 July 2013):
Because you choose to be stuck on this one. You like it, on some level. This is all within your control.
So do you want help to end it or are you looking for justifications to continue?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCause I am stuck on this one! Whether I like it or not! He does not love his wife. He has said so but he cannot leave because he would lose everything. This is so common. I have never done this before. I believe him when he says he is afraid of leaving. He wants the security of her at home and the excitement of me at the same time. He has tried to leave me alone many, many times but always comes back. He is also escaping a comfortable and long term marriage where the passion died a long time ago but like most men is afraid to leave.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 July 2013):
"So many other men are waiting to date me"
Why not choose a balm instead?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou are absolutely right but I guess I need to pick my poison.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 July 2013):
Do you realize you are adding to your own hard times? As in laying on more problems and drama?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou're right Tisha. I choose to have a short memory because I am going through some tough times and I am desperately in need of an escape. He is my escape. My fantasy come to life. My feel good place. No demands. Just pure passion and enjoyment which I so need right now. I know the reality of it all. I guess I am being ruled by hormones. Guilty on all counts. But he does feed my ego and makes me feel good. Hard to beat that.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 July 2013):
And it isn't hard to ignore, if you set your mind to it. I think you like the frisson of attraction. And I do think you have a very short memory.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 July 2013):
Oh, I have no doubt he's attractive. That doesn't make him a good prospect. That just makes him attractive, with high sexual energy and a good line that you have fallen for.
He goes home to his wife every night.
Have you taken a moment to read what you wrote in your original post?
Very eye-opening stuff.
"You can say I TOLD YOU SO and I had it coming to me. He pretty much used me and tossed me aside like a piece of garbage. He is now ignoring me and pretending like nothing ever happened between us. I know, I am to blame totally. I am a stupid fool who gave him the permission to use me. I was a willing partner. I deserve all this pain because I brought it on myself knowingly. I hate myself for letting him use me. I hate that I was so stupid and low. I guess the fantasy of it all felt good. He made me feel special at least for a little while. And to go from that high to the most painful low in such a short time is so hard to handle.
It felt so amazing when we were together. Total intoxication. Now total despair. And aloneness. Feeling sad and hopeless. Used and like scum. I know nobody will have any kind words for me. I do not deserve them. I helped a pig cheat on his wife. He even told me he would never leave her and I still did it. I guess a part of me was hoping he would change his mind and see how beautiful I was inside and out and want to be with me. But instead he sweet talked me, told me I was beautiful, everything a woman wants to hear from a man, only that he did it with a purpose... the purpose of getting me into bed. Because once that mission was accomplished, I ceased to be special, beautiful... I ceased to exist in his eyes. And do you know how bad that feels? To be on the receiving end of being treated this way?"
So what has changed, besides the fact that he's stroking your sexual ego again? Maybe your hormones rule your life, like his rule his?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe is attracted to me and I am attracted to him. There is an intense chemistry between us. It is very hard to ignore. I know what you are saying and you are right but it is very hard.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 July 2013):
Oh, and because you haven't stapled that note to his tie. THAT would make him leave you alone, in a heartbeat.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 July 2013):
Because he can see if he says the right things you'll go for the drama and the sex.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhy doesn't he just leave me alone?
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 July 2013):
How to stay strong?
Go tell his wife. I guarantee that his squirming and verbal degrading of you to her would strengthen you in a hot minute.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 July 2013):
Isn't he still the pig who cheated on his wife?
You get sucked up into some little fantasy world, and feed the drama.
I rather like AuntyEm's advice to staple a note to his tie.
Do you have short-term memory loss or other mental health disorder that we should know about? Because this sounds like someone who cannot remember the past few weeks.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 July 2013):
trust me if he had feelings for you he would not care about it and he would leave his wife... do not fall for his lines.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHow do I stay strong? He came out and told me he made a mistake and wants to be with me. But he can't leave his wife because he has so much at stake, namely finances.How can I stay away from him? This is so hard. I truly have feelings for him and I think he does for me. But what a situation to be in.
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (4 July 2013):
Get a piece of paper and a big marker pen and write in HUGE letters
YOU ARE MARRIED
YOU WONT LEAVE YOUR WIFE FOR ME
YOU JUST WANT SEX
YOU ARE JUST USING ME
I WANT YOU TO P**S OFF
IF YOU DONT STOP HASSLING ME, I'LL BE CONTACTING TO YOUR WIFE.
Staple this to his tie, smile sweetly and walk away!
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 July 2013):
"If you shut the door, why are you trying to open it again?"
Um, to be crude about it, because his balls are full of semen and he is tired of using his hand, and he knows how to get this woman's knickers off. It doesn't take much to get this particular woman back on the hook, some sweet talk, some googly eyes and she's paying attention again.
Ignore him. Anything else and you are feeding your own drama.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have been taking care of myself. Moving on. Looking and feeling great. And guess what? He is trying to start it up all over again. He has started to talk to me, hangs around me, locks eyes, stares me up... the whole thing....
First he tells me he cannot be with me and now he is acting sweet and attentive to me again!!!!
If you shut the door, why are you trying to open it again???
Incredible!!!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 June 2013):
You WILL heal. I won't say I told you so because you are already beating yourself up about it and rightfully so.
USE this as a springboard for personal growth and understanding.
Consider some therapy to work through why you did it in the first place and how to avoid the triggers that may occur again with someone else.
Now how to cope in the here and now:
1. in public and at work especially... LIVE WELL. Dress nicely, do your hair and your face if you normally do. Get enough sleep, eat well. Get a daily walk in and some other exercise (I vote for yoga always)
2. when you have to deal with him, kill him with kindness. BE POLITE, BE PROFESSIONAL, and act as if NOTHING ever happened with you two.
3. you may obsess about this AT HOME on your off hours IF YOU WISH but make it productive obsession. Write about it, make lists, figure out what drove you to do what you did... analyze your behavior... read books on it...
4. FORGIVE YOURSELF. You made a mistake. You didn't break a law or do drugs or kill someone. YOU made a bad choice. And yes it hurts and yes you feel bad but if you LEARN from it, then IMO it was worth all the pain and suffering.
Hang in there time is an incredible healer if you let it be.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2013): Sorry you are going through this. If it helps any. I benefitted from your post. Sometimes one's heart does rule one's head. I am married and never acted on another married man's advances. True, loved the attention and the "butterflies in tthe stomach" feeling but posts like these snap me back into reality. It never leads to anythng good. Infatuation and Love are NOT the same. The first is truly a neurotic state of mind with disappointing and disastrous consequences. Time will heal. Don't beat yourself up too badly and just learn from your mistakes.
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female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (26 June 2013):
I remember your first thread very well because when you updated us that you had given in and had sex with him it was the first time I've ever felt disappointed in someone from DC, someone I did not know and would never meet. A lot of people gave you the same advice and you ignored it. I'm sorry that you're hurting now but you did have this coming to you, you do deserve it and you do have to learn a lesson from this.
NEVER get involved with a married man. Ever. No matter what he says. He doesn't love you because he promised another woman that he would love her for the rest of his life. He obviously doesn't love her either, but still a mistress is always going to be second best.
Any married man who cheats is a total dog. As you know now, he will use every trick in the book to get you into bed. He didn't have scruples, so don't use your being single as an excuse or justification. I personally feel a moral obligation to other women not to sleep with their husbands.
You do NOT need to maintain ANY kind of relationship with this man. You don't have to talk to him, or be civil with him. You can't change jobs, but a long as you don't report directly to him, you don't have to have contact with him either.
There's no point hating yourself or beating yourself up about it, even though you will do just that. What's done is done and you can't change it. What you can do is act differently in future should you ever find yourself in a similarly tempting situation.
My kind words to you are these: you deserve your own man, not someone else's. You don't have to share a scumbag with someone else. You have as much to offer and as much right as any other woman to have a man who loves you and only you. Don't ever accept anything less again.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 June 2013):
Having now read your first thread, I would add this advice: you knew that this would end badly. Why are you so surprised?
You put yourself smack in the middle of the drama. You created the drama. Now you are feeding off the negative energy, on some level you derive satisfaction from inflamed feelings, either passion or anger. Why is that? I don't know. But that's what you would be working on. Why do you create situations that end badly?
Look for another job. As you have poisoned your atmosphere in your own workplace, it probably would be better to find another location to work.
Don't mess around with married men. Don't mess around with people at work. Those are two of the basic guidelines to going through life. You did both. Why are you shocked it ended badly?
Keep your head down at work, do your job, polish up your resume and start looking for a new job.
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (26 June 2013):
What can I say (I also answered your last post) Life isn't fair and we all make stupid mistakes...and some of us make monumentally stupid mistakes.
The way I see it, you are torturing yourself with self loathing because your mind is trying to find a solution to your pain and disapointment!
You got the added insult that you work with this man and so you have a daily reminder of your mistake and it's aftermath!
You are going to have to be a pretty strong person, if you want to recover from this AND keep your current job, but I see the opportunity for him to use you again all the while you are so 'crazy upset' over this. One word from him and you are gonna be jumping into bed! (you will do this because you are still looking for resolution and approval from him) Again you will tell yourself it's evidence that he will leave his wife, but the outcome will be the same.
I think if it happened to me, I'd be working on finding a way out (since I have strong survival instincts and know whats bad for me). Another job will allow you to move on and recover.
So stay and be strong and get over it OR new job and move on!
Not much of a choice, a very bitter pill, but those are the consequences of getting with a married man.
As for all your self loathing and denigration, well you can only beat yourself up for so long before it gets 'old'
You will get over it!
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 June 2013):
Reference to the first thread:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/fooled-around-with-a-married-man-last-night.html
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 June 2013):
I remember your other post. I was on it.
I have doubts as to your remorse, because you sounded this way before, and then as time went on, you started becoming defensive and saying that you were the one using him and all that. I hope you have now finally put that foolishness to rest.
As to your work, by your actions you have made things awkward, so by your actions you reset the boundary. Don't even say one word to him that doesn't start AND FINISH with professionalism. What are you going to do when he gets horny again and wants to use you?
Like I said, your feelings have shown on here to be short-lived. Are you going to sleep with him yet again, or will this finally be the end and you'll do what you must?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 June 2013):
Hi, I have seen people in this situation before. Generally it's the man who is more senior and whose job is less at risk. Either the woman gets mentally strong enough to deal with it or she winds up leaving.
You are 36-40 so presumably you have some life experience and a resume that could find another job. You make some dramatic statements, such as " I cannot find another job. I need it. I have no option but to stay. And I need to see him often. But it hurts me incredibly to even look at him right now."
Are you an indentured servant or in a long-term service contract or in the military or in some way contractually obligated to stay in this position? Because there are other jobs and other options for you.
There's something in this post that suggests to me that you choose options that wind up with you being hurt or tortured in some way. You are finding ways to put yourself into pain. You get involved with a married man at your place of employment. It's a dead end both ways, there.
Go talk to your doctor about your choices and what your options are for counseling and possible treatment.
You don't maintain a relationship with him, is the answer to your question. You do your job and that's it.
In the meantime, I suggest you put your energy into positive thinking, such as looking for a new position. You've put enough energy into regrets and self-abuse for now.
Good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2013): Time and only time will help you heal. I know you are hurt, I hear you and I am sorry for what happened to you but stop blaming yourself and stop looking back. What happened has happened and can't be changed. Now move on and look for a bright future but learn from your lesson. Try to avoid him at work unless it is work related and you can't refuse to work with him. Deal with him as a total stranger, avoid being with him alone. Do your job well, don't let what happened affects you in any way. Also find a new hobby, take cooking classes, meditate, do yoga or go to the gym. Be out there, spend time with friends, "socialize", you will meet other people then slowly but surely you will focus on your life and future instead of focusing on what happened in the past. Good luck and all the best. I hope this helps. I send you a big hug.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2013): *hugs* I don't want to rub salt in your wound; I'm sure it's raw and sore enough. Attraction and intoxication are what they are, and until you experience certain bad situations for themselves, you won't be able to rise above the sheer feeling of it all. I had a married friend when I was 22. Now, I'm not the kind of girl to do anything I consider immoral, so I didn't sleep with him or even kiss him, but the fact that we had an easy and deep friendship made it easy for him to share his despair over his wife cheating on him, his thoughts on various situations in his life, etc. He also encouraged me in many aspects of my life. The intimacy couldn't help but lead to feelings, which we confessed for each other, held hands, and even briefly talked about a relationship. It felt like something was happening. I believed it. He had the annulment paperwork all ready to go. Of course, you know how this ends. The woman he had children with, whom he loved deeply...of course they gave it another shot, and our semi-romance was over in a snap of the fingers. That tie to someone is not easily broken. The heart, when abused, will tell anyone anything in order to feel loved and worthy again. I'm sure that this is what your MM was doing, as well. The up side? Now you know. You really know. I have no interest in calling you stupid, because the heart is stupid in a lot of ways, and it can't be any other way until experience has come through and done its thing. As far as freeing your heart...please forgive yourself and look at yourself as the worthy woman you are. Then, and only then, will you attract a man who is emotionally and legally available, and who will treat you right.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2013): Yes, you really got yourself into a big mess. And first and most important, you need to learn from this choice you made. Never, ever do it again, or put yourself in temptations' way. You need to work on yourself, believe in yourself and know from the bottom of your heart you are a good person and you can do better than getting yourself involved with someone else's man/a man who is in a relationship/married. However you want to look at it.You are caught in a tough spot because you can wallow in self pitty and wish things were different from afar or you can realize what a loser this guy really was and what he represents himself as...a lier and a cheater. But not so fast, you have to realize what your part in this was as well. So, you can let it go, move on and focus on your job and make him no more than a co-worker and the past a distant memory or you can spend each day miserable and keep dwelling on it, wasting all that energy on something that is over, kicking yourself over and over for making such a bad choice. You have no control of how he is going to act or react and you are preventing yourself from finding or getting into a healthy relationship with someone you will give your all to and he the same. Work it out with a counselor if you need to, but stop giving this man so much power over you.
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male
reader, mkateko  +, writes (25 June 2013):
 your story is very touching. You can not change the situation, even getting a job somewhere else won't change the fact that your heart is stucked on him, and you has been with him.
LET IT GO. I do know is very easy to say it than doing it, but try your best and I do know that you can do it. (LET IT GO). Easy word and so short, but practical a complex of a problem.
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