A
female
age
30-35,
*23emma
writes:My problem in a nutshell is a girl who used to be my best friend has changed and I dont know whether to cut all ties. We met seven years ago and hit it off straight away, we were the best of friends and could tell eachother everything. Five years into this we were still good friends but "Katie" started finding a new group of friends I knew weren't that keen on me. I admint Iwas jealous because she didn't have time for me but I thought it would be a passing thing and she would eventually start making time (if not the same amount) again. We now go to different colleges and I try very hard to keep in contact, I'm always send her texts/ring to ask her if she wanted to come out but she always blows me off. Later when these friends weren't making an effort she admitted that she used to drop plans with me to see them and was like "Oh well I'll just see you at the weekend, I can see her anytime". I was a bit annoyed but glad she admitted that is what she's doing. Now when I meet her she has some qualities I'm not keen on such as attention seeking, fake and a bit selfish. Now though she has a boyfriend she's convinced she loves although from what I've seen its her whos always dropping everything for him. She makes contact (back to me) and comes out about once every six months, but she always leaves me to arrange everyhting. Its getting to the point where as soon as I feel I'm starting not to care about her anymore she comes out and I get hopeful she will make the effort again. She does still have qualities I do like such as friendly and up for having a laugh and I think I secretly hope she will suddenly realise that I have always been there for her.Should I cut all ties or am I overreacting? Or should I continue to make the effort as I still invite her out all the time? I dont want to "fling away" friendship but I feel she doesnt make that much effort. Its not just me either, she is like this with all of our mutual friends and they seem really annoyed too. Emma x
View related questions:
best friend, has a boyfriend, jealous, she has a boyfriend, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, 123emma +, writes (9 June 2008):
123emma is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your replies they have been really helpful :).
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2008): hi there couldnt believe it when i saw your letter as i am going through near identical emotions to you!could be the same person we are talking about?haha!the difference is my so called best mate does contact me.she makes arrangements and then goes and lets me down.i have learnt now to expand my horizons and in doing so and making new friends ive realised i dont need her as much as i thought.ive put up with her being unreliable for years off and on.you really do have to make the effort and go out and meet other people.people like your mate are selfish,usually spoilt and have no manners.my'mate'wont even have the common decency to text when she isnt coming out.the last straw came when she let me down on my birthday after promising shed be there.ive now said no more.all i can compare it to is ending a relationship with a man.all of a sudden one day you wake up and cant take it no more.dont wait till then.id bail out now if i was you.i dont think shes going to change.good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, musics_muse  +, writes (28 May 2008):
you have the right to be angry! people have to invest in relationships in order for it to last...whether it's a romantic relationship or a friendship! i understand if you feel abandoned...but at the same time if she's not making time for you you certainly shouldnt be making a lot of time for her, whether trying to get together with her/calling her/texting/thinking about how to fix things.i would suggest that you go out there and invest in new friends. it hurts what she's doing but at the same time you should focus on other people who'll value you and your time. good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (28 May 2008):
 Hi Emma,
Personally I think you are too over ocupied with what your mate is doing. I dont want to sound harsh but you are acting like a very jealous person, and that could be why she is reacting that way. I do understand that you think a lot of this girl, and she is being rather selfish towards you. But I think you should go and make more of your own life and stop worrying if she will turn up or not. When you have a circle of your own friends, you wont be so bothered if she is there or not. That wont mean that you wont care about her, it will just mean that you wont need to be so clingy.
...............................
A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (28 May 2008):
 Hi Emma
While you are the one making all the effort your friend Katie just doesn't have to.
Don't be the one who runs after her and does everything for her, if she truly values your friendship then it should be her that makes the effort to. Every relationship no matter whether it is friends or lovers has to be 50/50 and right now I am seeing 90/10 and you are the 90%.
As you have mutual friends and they are annoyed to don't you think they may have a point. You need to widen your circle of friends and when she finally asks you to meet up why don't you be busy for a change or arrange and then cancel as I don't think she is ever going to learn unless she has a little of her own medicine back if you know what I mean.
I am not saying be evil or vicious but just that you can't make it for some reason or other, make it plausible though.
You cannot live your life around one person though, so make yourself have more friends in your life and if one of them i.e. Katie does not make the effort any more you are not going to be the one sitting in alone but instead out with other friends instead.
Go to the gym or swimming or something like bowling with these mutual friends, suggest so events together as Katie will soon be the one getting jealous when she realises you can live without her.
The boyfriend will come and go and unless you get to the point of telling her that she has not being making any effort at some point in the future then she may go along quite selfishly thinking that things are OK between you. There will come a point when you need to tell her how you feel but if you don't see her how can you.
Just live your life right now and enjoy it OK.
Friends remain forever, well true friends do so don't panic, if she is a true friend she will return with her tale between her legs and that is the point when you tell her that you will not be picked up and dropped at a whim OK.
Take care.
BFN
Country Woman
...............................
|
