A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I could really do with some advice right now. Please can you read the whole thing as I know sometimes people just answer the question that comes up as the title, regardless of what is said in the actual written part? I’m also so sorry for the length. Basically ever since my best/closest friend of about 7yrs got into her first relationship in May 2012 (Let’s call her Rosie) she changed completely. At the time, we were both 19 and I was away at university and got myself a boyfriend by Christmas but we still talked lots, had webcam chats and everything. I came back for Christmas and it was like nothing had changed. Rosie was also at uni at this point but hated it, and dropped out in January (2012). She started getting upset that she’d never had a boyfriend and never had any opportunities to meet guys, and used a local dating site and met up with this boy (Ryan) at the beginning of May. I was happy for her when they started going out as they were perfect for each other, had the same interests etc…However, this is when she started changing. It was very gradual but she stopped talking to me so much on webcam and email, and started spending all her free time with Ryan. I expected this a little and just left her to it, thinking it’ll calm down. But by Christmas 2012 it hadn’t, and we’d barely talked and only met up a couple of times when I came home for holidays. At this point she’s also started a job too. Whenever we did meet up, Ryan was all that she talked about and she was always texting him too. At this point I began resenting him quite a lot. By summer this year, I couldn’t stand seeing them together if we went out as a big group of friends. They way they acted made me want to be sick~ they were very touchy-feely, nuzzling, stroking hands etc, and when I told her on the bus home she become really upset and irritated at me. At this point she’d already cut one of our good/best friends out of her life as she didn’t like who she’d changed into. Up till the end of September 2013 we barely spoke except the odd message and quick webcam chat. I was also jealous that she called him her best friend. My boyfriend is a best friend to me, but in a different way~ there’s still somethings I’d rather keep just to female friends only. Then I came up with the idea, since it’s my 21st and I’m away from all my ‘best’ friends back at home and due to work and uni I can’t come home till after xmas in the new year, why not have some of them come to stay at my house here for a weekend, and we can celebrate my birthday. All of them were up for it except for Rosie and she made a big fuss about how it seemed pointless them all coming up here and it’d be better if I came back home (which was an impossible idea). After that we didn’t speak at all apart from she wrote me quite a basic happy birthday message on facebook. At the beginning of this month I wrote her a long message telling her how I felt, and how she’d really upset me. I’ve not been going through a good time since July~ I’ve lost interest in my uni course, I’ve been thinking about doing wreckless things, I’m not overly happy where I’m living (with housemates), I’ve begun to have low self-esteem (even though I always used to be quite happy with the way I am~ slightly overweight) and I’ve even wondered at times if I’m developing some form of depression. All in all, I just wanted to have a long girly chat with her, like we used to. She never replied. After a week I messaged her saying “that if she doesn’t want to speak to me anymore then just say so” and asking her why she was ignoring me. After that she replied with this “Listen, I think this relationship is just hurting both of us. We keep upsetting each other. We are going down different paths. Do you agree? I wish you luck for the future.”I’ve not replied yet, as I really don’t know what to make of it. I don’t want to lose her as she is (or was) my ultimate closest friend, the one who knew every single little thing about me, we helped each other through loads and loads of stuff for the past 7 years. But at the same time, as long as she’s with Ryan I’m slowly resenting her and finding her irritating. I hate seeing stuff they post online. I guess I just also feel angry/upset that at the one time I really needed her to help me, she’s not there for me…..Please can you give me some advice? :( Also am I a bad person for actually really wanting them to split up? Even when I got my first boyfriend when I was 17, I never put him first and made equal time for my friends and him. Thank you for reading, and I’m sorry it’s so long. x
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best friend, christmas, facebook, jealous, never had a boyfriend, overweight, split up, text, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, MissTellAll  +, writes (16 December 2013):
 Maybe you should confide in that other best friend who doesn't know everything about you. If you think she's the type of person who would understand, then set up some time to hang out together and let her know how you've been feeling. If she's a good friend, she'll listen and try to be there as much as possible.With things like school, people moving away, everyone starts to feel somewhat alone. Keep in mind that maybe those people don't want to become distant, they just have a lot on their plate. Sometimes friendships fall behind the other pressures of life. This isn't going to last forever. Just keep as much contact with your friends that you have as possible, and maybe even try to make some new friends.I would also like to reiterate- try to get some help for your suspected depression. And don't trust any doctor whose first instinct is to put you on some medication. Get some real, thoughtful help.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you all for your answers, they have helped me a little :) -anonymous, i never ever gave her a hard time for having him as a boyfriend, nor texting him all the time. It's the fact she acted as if i was no longer important in her life. also, if you're going out with a group of people, it's rude to sit there all night and do nothing but fondle over your boyfriend with excessive pda. it makes others feel awkward. if you're on a date alone then by all means fine, but not when your with others. I am in love with my boyfriend, happily for 2 years now, and we don't obsess over each other constantly, we have alone time, we make time for our friends even though we are both massively important roles in each others lives. it's just that she didn't seem to balance it out at all. -MissTellAll, your answer kinda fits me perfectly. i liked the special bonds we shared, how we always told each other secrets before anyone else knew. she lives 5 minutes away from my house at my hometown, and we'd always spend spare afternoons together, go out shopping, whatever really.also the fact is i'm not really happy with life right now. i don't have any super close friends here anymore~ my 2 female housemates who i was close with for the past 2yrs spend all their time now as a duo, or with another girl on my course. my other closest friend back home has got a lot of problems herself to deal with now, so i don't want to bombard her with my own problems, and my other best friends, i've never told all my secrets/feelings to anyways. it just feels like apart from my boyfriend i'm really alone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2013): I hope you are realizing that you have no saying in her dating this guy. And also how jealous you are. When people are in love this is how they act, holding hands, touching each other and soon. You are having problems with it because your friend spends all this time with him, not you. It's really non of your business how much she texts him and how much they touch each other, this is what makes her happy, nd as a good friend you should be happy for her. Friendships change, dissapear. I think thisis what happened here. Over the course of your life you will meet peope that won't stay. Or stay for a short periods of time. Some will stay forever. Not, if you keep giving them hard time about their choices of partner, I can tell you that for sure
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A
female
reader, MissTellAll +, writes (15 December 2013):
It's difficult to lose best friends, especially whenever it's because of your romantic lives. But I think you need to realize this- friends want friends to be happy, no matter what. If this Ryan makes her so happy, then let it be.You probably miss the way that she used to come to you to help her and make her feel better about things, but you should respect that some people would prefer to confide in their romantic partner. Some of the strongest relationships are built on being best friends with your partner and building a life together.I think that the fact that you suspect that you may have depression makes perfect sense, and you should speak with a doctor about this.She obviously doesn't hate you or wish anything bad upon you, but she's being very mature in saying that you aren't good for each other anymore and should go your separate ways. I'm not trying to attack you at all here, I'm just saying that she makes a very valid point. Friendships do come and go, even the ones that you think will be around forever. The only thing that you can count on is that things will change. It's inevitable. The best thing you can do is to keep yourself happy, with or without her.Best of luck to you.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (15 December 2013):
 I get that best friends feel like they can tell each other everything, but as annoying and sickening as it is, it sounds like she is/was truly happy with this guy, and you couldn't be happy for her because of what his presence was doing to your relationship. I've lost best friends so I know how tough it is, but I think she felt like you pushed her until she no longer had room for you in her life. Someday she might come back, but take what she said to heart about each of you hurting each other.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (15 December 2013):
 The friendship is done, over, finished, your former friend has called it quits, and wished you well for the future.
Your suggestion that you could be suffering depression is very valid, and I think you should go talk to somebody about that, if you are not sure where to go start with your GP or a women's health centre if there is one near you.
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