A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid, I have been in a one year long distance relationship with my boyfriend we love about six hours away and we see each other about once every two months. Whenever we have sex he later waits for me to fall asleep and then proceeds to masturbate. One time when I was fully awake I went to the kitchen and came back to see him masturbating and he cummed. I felt so betrayed. He knows I'm always willing to give him sex but I feel he chooses his hand over me. I travel so far to see him and look up to making love and it hurts me so much to know that he chooses his hand over his own girlfriend who he doesn't get to see that often. He tells me I do satisfy him that he doesn't know why he does it but he loves me and I don't buy it. Please help me I am in the brink of leaving him because it's happened more than once.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 July 2014):
 That's just it. It's not talked about, but there's a big uptick of guys faking orgasms. It's almost a cliche about women faking orgasms, but the thing is, the same cliche about women faking them also judges that no man ever has to fake one because they have orgasms 99.9% of the time unless they're hospitalized or something, and that it's impossible for a guy to do it because of the...erm...evidence.
2010's AskMen's Great Male survey revealed that 30% of men have faked an orgasm at least once. Delayed Ejaculation in men has seen a very sharp increase in recent years due to many factors, from emotional ones like economic stress to overmasturbation or porn stimulation, and even ego, meaning a guy pretends the refractory period isn't there, and finds out that marathon sex sessions take more out of him than he's letting on. Alcohol can also delay ejaculation, and add that to a desire to sleep, and the faker guy could act out the "O" face and roll over.
Even lack of experience can cause the fake in men or women, since in the movies, that rare sexual holy grail, the "simultaneous orgasm" seems to be what sex is supposed to be.
Many guys pull the fake if they are using condoms, meaning ripping it off, quick-covering it in tissue, and bury it deep in the trash. What woman would dig a used condom out of the trash to check for faking??
I never knew until I started on this site how self-conscious guys could be in the bedroom. The slightest malfunction can be a threat to the manhood, and far from the archaic 19th century when women had sex to fulfill duty, women demand and are active partakers in seeking pleasure from sex.
I'm not judging guys by a long shot. Other surveys show that up to 86% of women have faked at one point or another, so we still win the Oscar. If a guy who was with me was found to be faking orgasms, my heart would go out to him, because sex is amazing, and life is too short to fake it. So I know it's a touchy subject on both sides, and I mean no offense. When I was 11, and cable boxes were not even close to sophisticated, my parents had had MTV and all the cable channels blocked, and I wanted to see HBO and Cinemax! So I figured out a way to break the cable box and get past the scrambler. So I'm watching all the "forbidden" channels in secret, but like an idiot, I brag to my 14 year old brother. Does he marvel at the explosion of "secular music" I've got access to? Does he enjoy a thoughtful, edgy thriller? NOOO no. My parents caught HIM watching the Playboy channel (my 7 year old brother caught him and narced), and he ratted me out. My dad was so pissed, he broke the cable box to make it look like it wasn't tampered with, turned it in to replace it, and I was banned from the TV (and the Nintendo by default) for a year after I had to write 1,000 times "I do not steal Cable pay channels or disobey my parents". I also got the lecture on how my parents could have gone to jail for pirating cable pay signal.
Anyways, why the hell did I just share that?! Oh yeah...I saw the Playboy channel and thought that no person actually makes sounds like that in real life, guy or girl. I've never faked an orgasm because I'd be embarrassed to sound like that! I don't look down on people who have faked for any reason, but to the OP, if you want to spin this in a positive light, bring it up in a non-threatening way and turn it into an opportunity for some awesome exploration in mutual sexual pleasure. And if this LDR isn't the guy for you, take the good sexual explorer attitude to every relationship you have!
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (8 July 2014):
 I'd be pretty upset too if my boyfriend masturbated RIGHT after sex, it would seem like sex wasn't satisfying. I agree with YouWish, is there a chance he's faking?
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (8 July 2014):
 Good logic aside; it’s a damn waste if you ask me... I’d desensitise it for him real quick... Get in there and don’t let a good time go to waste girl :)
This very 2 months is like being on a lettuce diet in between getting some meat! What’s the point of eating like a rabbit when you can’t act like one?
And he doesn’t know why he does it; really? I wager he does know... or you’ll at least know from the advice given.
CAA
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2014): Maybe he needs to masturbate because you turn him on so much that one cum from you is insufficient so in order to quench the turn on you induce he needs his hand to totally quench it. It's a post-hot-sex turn on.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 July 2014):
No one disputes that guys in relationships masturbate. That's not the issue, and it doesn't sound like it's the issue for her either. The issue is the timing.
Maybe I'm not a guy, so I'm underestimating the refractory period here, but not to be crude but I don't want to be misunderstood... how many guys on here can have sex with their girlfriends, "bust their nut", and within a half hour have a solo masturbatory session? Maybe I lack experience and I'm not a guy, but my experience says that guys aren't up for immediate masturbation right after sex? A post-coital satisfied guy is a fantastic sight to behold, especially if it was our feminine techniques that rendered him in this state. heh. But usually such guy is snoring away, or in an afterglow of satisfaction, not waiting for the opportune moment to go jack off.
I am not saying to leave him. However, there are many ways to bring sexual satisfaction to a guy than PIV sex, and he does owe you the truth if he's desensitized, just like I've seen many guys who take issue with women who fake it to get them to leave them alone. Sex should be, at its very core, honest.
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A
male
reader, methuselah  +, writes (8 July 2014):
Hi,
Being LDR, he shows that he probably does masturbate regularly.I think it is the timing of it that is not good. It does seem inappropriate to do this after having sex with you so infrequently because of the distance. Men will masturbate whatever. I am married, we enjoy sex once or twice a week and I still masturbate privately. I don't tell my wife, it is my personal 'fun time' that i enjoy. However, I don't do it a lot. Frequent use tends to desensitize the whole thing for me.
For you, i understand it is hurting you. Is there any way you could mention this and maybe when he wants to do it, you could help out? This would then make things more intimate for you both.
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A
male
reader, RevMick +, writes (8 July 2014):
 Hi OP,
I think YouWish, Cerberus and So Very are spot on. The others who disagree are under the assumption he masturbates enough to be desensitized. I would not heap all that at him given you only see him every few months.
Again YouWish has a point, you are assuming he isn't getting off with you. Unless you have proof of that, and I mean actual proof, again keep that opinion to yourself.
Everyone masturbates, men and women both in and out of relationships. The reason it's quicker is that you personally know exactly where your buttons are.
Would you rather he went off and did it in a bathroom or stood outside so you didn't see?
It is nothing to do with you, or how much he enjoys sex with you. When I got with my current partner, we had both been in unfulfilled relationships and so were at it at least twice a day, sometimes more.
It could be that he sees you sleeping, has excess energy to burn off or more sexual arousal and doesn't want to wake you necessarily.
If I woke my wife up, or she I whenever we needed to get relief, we would have some very pissed off people in our house. It could also be that I know I suffer from this, even after I've gotten off, if there's anything left in the tank the penis won't go soft so I can't get comfortable and sleep.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2014): Some of you have to understand where the poster is coming from. I don't think she has a problem with her boyfriend masturbating. It's her feeling inadaquate because the ONE time they're intimate together in TWO months he takes care of himself AFTER sex. She's probably feeling like the sex wasn't good enough so he has to finish himself off in order to cum.
There's a difference in a man who has a happy active sex life that masturbates for a quick release, or to fall asleep and a man who jerks off so much he's become desensitized. I think this may be the case.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 July 2014):
 So because he masturbates he doesn't love you?
Is that what you think love is?
I think Cerberus and YouWish have both made very valid points.
I love being intimate with my husband but I am unable to orgasm during our relations (common for women) and therefore I "take care of myself" afterwards. Sometimes with him around and sometimes I prefer to be alone. but I am open about it with him. and he does not mind.
I am sure he masturbates regularly but I don't ask him and he's rather private about it... some folks are.
if he is not avoiding sex with you so he can masturbate, then could you explain to me how his masturbating is harming your sex life?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2014): Yeah it's probably best that you leave him, OP, and also consider not getting with any other guys, ever. Because we all masturbate whether in a relationship or not.
You know, OP, if I woke up my wife because I wanted to cum and wanted her to do it she'd kill me, in fact most of the women I've been with would go nuts if I woke them up demanding to be satisfied because I wanted a wank.
He's not choosing his hand over you, he has sex with earlier and then later on to go to sleep he'll have a wank.
It's far better than a sleeping tablet or something like that for making us tired enough to just fall asleep.
The only problem as I see it is that he's indiscreet and doing it in front of you and you don't like that. It's not a choice of his hand over you, it's a choice to not use you as a mere wank machine and besides no matter what way you do it you will not be as fast and efficient at getting that relief as his hand.
if he wanted sex, he'd ask for sex, wanking is nothing like sex it's more like a piss. A quick release there's nothing sexual about it.
If you can't handle the fact that men sometimes want to pleasure themselves on their own then you're really going to find it tough being with us until you find a guy secretive enough to be discreet about it.
In fact I'd make sure you tell your next boyfriend up front that you have a problem with it so he can treat you like his mother and make sure he is never caught by you.
I'll say it one last time, it's not a choice of the hand over you, it's the choice not to degrade you to level of being his glorified fleshlight, sometimes we just want a release without any sex or human contact because with our hand we can do it quickly, we don't have to think about the other person's pleasure, we don't have to sit there and wait for you to do your thing, we don't have to cuddle afterwards, we don't have to spend 10 minutes being pleasured when we only wanted a 30 second release, and we don't have to have a grumpy, tired woman woken up who will start to get pissed off that we wake her up and demand she pleasure us so often. A wank is not sex and no woman is as quick or as efficient as our hand for obtaining a quick release and our hand doesn't demand cuddles afterwards either.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 July 2014):
You don't have to answer this on here if you don't want to, but I'm very curious to know - when the two of you have sex, do you KNOW that he has an orgasm? As in, you see the actual ejaculate? As in a used condom or...not to be gross..but if a guy ejaculates inside, the "what goes in must come out" rule happens, meaning a clean-up of the "lady business" is a necessity.
What you're describing oftentimes happens when a guy gets too used to his own hand that he literally can't cum from PIV (penis-in-vagina) intercourse because it doesn't stimulate his penis enough. Either that, or he has issues with either the condom (if you're using one) where it's not stimulating him enough (that's a mind thing) or he's got performance anxiety and, like some women, can't let go with someone else because he's too used to solo sex.
So I suspect he's faking the orgasm with you, which is why I asked about whether you've SEEN the ejaculation, and the clear pre-ejaculate doesn't count.
I'm not saying that this is 100% it, because at your age (if he's the same age as you), it's quite possible for him to be able to "reload" that quickly, though I doubt it. My husband used to be able to when we were first married, which amazed me big time. But he didn't need to get away to re-fire, that is for sure. Some guys are next-morningers as well, meaning after a night of outstanding mind-blowing sex, the next morning, there's a really steamy round two because of all that excess sexual energy plus a good night's sleep.
But your boyfriend sounds like the hand guy who is too ashamed to admit that he's been jacking off so much that he's having a hard time with intercourse bringing him over the edge. You need to get him to be honest with you...
AND...
Have you SEEN the ejaculation during your sexual encounter, or is he faking it with the grunts and the "stopping" and the feigned exhaustion? Most guys are ready to roll over and crash after sex. Nature's tranquilizer it's called in some circles. Whether you leave him or not depends on him telling you the absolute truth. Have you SEEN the actual ejaculation? Guys can fake it too for many reasons, usually because they see sexual performance as their measure of being a man, and sexual malfunction in your eyes would diminish his ego. It's not so much his choosing his hand over you, but it's his not wanting to tell you that he's faking and has gotten too used to his hand.
I knew one friend back in college who used to tell me that her boyfriend, no matter what, had to finish each sexual encounter with her by getting lotion and finishing himself. She eventually left him because he wasn't open to even letting her use the lotion to try.
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