A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for six years and we have a son together who is 3 years old. We all live together, my partner works 16 hour days, and he works nights. He only gets one day off but even on his day off i don't see him as he lays in bed all through it. I spend my days and nights feeling lonely. My son goes to pre school 4 mornings a week. I do everything for him and i take care of the house, shopping and everything else. I was studying a degree but i have now had to give it up due to not having the time to study as i am always busy due to my partner working. I understand that he is working to earn money and look after us (which i am grateful for) but im starting to feel alone, depressed, i spend my days and nights alone, and i spend every weekend alone. He sleeps all the time when he is home, he don't help me with our son or help out around the house. He gives me no attention at all, he doesn't take me out or make me a romantic dinner. Basically im living a life of a single person as i do everything on my own. I understand that hes tired and works hard, but he seen how this is making me and our son feel but he is not doing anything about it. Its getting to the point where im so bored and fed up, im thinking of leaving him. I'm also upset that i have had to give up everything like my studying, while he gets to go to work and spends his day in bed doing nothing at all. I don't want to sound harsh but im very fed up with it. Am i wrong to feel like this? And should i leave him if i never see him? I just feel like im constantly waiting for him and im wasting my life away.
View related questions:
depressed, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, cupid lover  +, writes (10 July 2014):
Yikes. I think the reality of the matter is that family life is boring sometimes. It could be worse. You have a husband, son and you are paid for. May not be exciting now but give it time and you can resume studying and do what you want to do. Bed's made babe.
As for your husband....he is working hard for you. Unless he is working hard to avoid you which also happens often.
I don't think you should leave. Divorce is the worst and will mess up your head, not to mention your son's.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 July 2014):
 OP,please do not be so literally minded, people cannot know the composition of your family, and then again, if you had your parents, seen your young age , they'd be still young too and in a country where most people needs a double income to live ,- probably they'd be working too and could not babysit.
Get your parents to babysit is just shorthand for " get your duck in a row , " establish your priorities ".
As of now it sounds that your priority is spending more time with your bf, I don't dicuss whether it is or not a good priority, if this is what you want most, that's perfectly fine. But, first you'd need to convince him to change job, and hours- and if he cannot / does not want to do that- then you'd better have a plan B, which could / should be resuming your studies.
As of now, you are not having fun, you are not having companionship, you are not working, and you are not studying. You may be the best mom in the world, but very obviously for you taking care of your child is not enough to fill your life. So, no wonder that you are restless and depressed. You can either say " woe is me ", or you can try and change things.
We have alreday said that, for now, you can't change your bf's job, nor you can change his exhausted body 's need for rest and recuperation.
You could change things by dumping him, but I do not think you would you improve the situation passing from being a lonely, bored mom to being a lonely bored SINGLE mom.
So, what else could you change ? You could change your lack of purpose and lack of hope by resuming your studies.
If for doing that you need to solve the day care problem- do that. Search for a solution. Aren't there state and city council day cares where you live ? can't you send your child more hours a day where he is ? What resources / facilities / programs are offered by your university ? By your church ? Aren't there any reputable private day cares where you can accompany and ease him into gradually, you know , 20 minutes the first day, 30 the second etc., until you get the feel of the place , get to know the childminders and make sure ( as humanly possible ) that your kid is in safe hands ? haven't you got any female friends who could help you with your kid, either for a fee or as an act of kindness, and free your time ?...
I could ramble on more , but my point isjust : when there's a will there's a way: if it is important enough, you'll find the way, even if falls short of the PERFECT solution.
Then again,.... if you HAD to go back to work, you'd have to put your child somewhere with somebody, wouldn't you ? So, why can't you start considering your studies as YOUR WORK and get organized accordingly ?...
Because you don't want to ? Well, that's an excellent reason, my favourite one :) too. Only, then you need to be honest with yourself and stop shifting the blame on exterior circumstances. Don't say " I can't ", which makes you helpless and disempowered when it's not actually true. Say : I prefer for things to stay the way they are.
Which is fine, if you only wanted to have a little rant, to vent some frustration.
But if you wanted to see changes, by now you should know that you can't MAKE other people change. All you can change has to start from yourself, YOUR actions, YOUR thoughts, YOUR attitudes,YOUR choices.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2014): Oh and to the person who stated that i haven't worked nights, i have worked nights alot over the years, so yes i do know what that feels like, my boyfriend asked me to stop working nights as he never saw me and he got upset and lonely so i gave it up to make him happy again and so i could spend time with him because i cared that i was hurting his feelings by never seeing him.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2014): I'm the person that posted this story. I think the advice from cerberus is very judgemental. You stated that i sit at home and do nothing, well that's not true, I'm always doing the school runs and going to school clubs with my son. And i don't work because i had to give up my job as a barmaid because my boyfriend didn't like me working there and made me quit. He has forced me to quit 3 jobs now so i think its very unfair to get slated for feeling a bit lonely. And im sure if your wife spoke to you the way my boyfriend speaks to me, you would want to leave her too. And alot of you who have given me advice have said get family to babysit, well unfortunately i don't have the privilege of that as my parents are dead, so i don't have have a babysitter and i certainly wouldn't dump my son on just anyone to look after him. And i gave up studying my degree because my son only goes to pre school 2 hours per day which leaves me with no time to study as he is on the go all day and when he goes to sleep at night i am then too tired to even study, my studying is alot of work (law degree) and i just cant fit it in during the day. So i think that no one has the right to judge me on here when you don't even know what goes on in reality. I'm a good mother, and i never said that looking after my son is "taking my time away" i enjoy being a mum and i have done a damn good job at it too!
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (9 July 2014):
 Oh how can you say that taking care of your son is wasting your life away. Parenting a kid is the most sacred job of all. The parental bond for the first three years is the most crucial. It shapes how he is. Your attitude influence his. Maybe there is no full time daycare around, or your university does not have a child care program. It seems forever waiting now, but children grow up fast and before you know it he's playing soccer. Of course you are not living a single life. You are in a partnership and both of your work count. Right now you only see what the other is not doing, you only know what you are doing and the only way you could appreciate what you could have is if your boyfriend gets sick and couldn't work anymore.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2014): You didn't have to drop your studies, I know single mothers with no boyfriend that had to do that on their own.
OP what about your friends and family? Why are you expecting him to do everything for you in terms of social activity?
I bet he didn't ask you to do any of this you just decided that's what you wanted to do and now you're blaming him.
He's working hard to provide for you and his son, you're the one staying at home doing nothing. Get your parents to baby sit and start going out with your friends and having fun.
You also assume he "sees what it's doing to you", bullshit. he works 16 hours a night, 6 days a week he can hardly see the nose in front of his face he's so tired all the time. You need to talk to him and tell him how you feel, and that he needs to balance work with the relationship better.
Frankly though, OP, if my wife told me that she was considering leaving me because I worked too hard and she blamed me for her "boring life" I'd apply for the divorce papers myself. Luckily I have a wife that can talk and propose solutions to things instead of just moaning and being ungrateful.
You're probably best to consider walking away. You obviously resent him for the things you chose to do. You even imply that he's lazy and does nothing all day.
Have you ever worked nights? Have you ever 16 hours in one day? Obviously not.
probably best if you just go to be honest, you expect way too much from him without even discussing this with him properly.
You expect him to use his time off not only to help with your son, but to help around the house and then also take you out to dinner, all the while working 6 days a week, 16 hours a day?
Time to go find yourself another sap to blame for your "boring life".
You have tonnes of free time, people who will babysit for you so can go shopping or hang out with friends. You could even talk to him about cutting back his hours, but you'd rather get dramatic and just blame him for everything instead.
Do him a favour and leave.
For the past month my wife has been swamped in work, literally putting in as much hours as your guy does. Did I feel lonely and bored? No I have friends, family, have hobbies, things I can do, places I can go and if this was going to be a long term thing and perhaps a problem for me I'd talk in depth to my wife about balancing our lives better. I certainly wouldn't make vicious threats to leave her, or blame her for why I'm fed up.
So your choice is simple, OP, either communicate your needs to him but from a balanced point of view and not the selfish blame game with threats of leaving him that you're doing here or just go ahead and leave, see if life is any easier as a single mother.
You could have fairly easily continued studying, it just would have taken some organising, you can also very easily have a social life too but you've decided not to. I think it's insanely unreasonable to demand he not only be the house cleaner, take care of your son and also romance you while working 6 nights a week.
And instead of even thinking about telling he needs to cut back his hours you just blame him for shit and talk about leaving him.
Yeah go, because when you tell him you've had enough of him and that he not only needs to baby your kid but also baby you because you can't live your own life without him wiping your arse too then he'll probably just walk out himself.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2014): He's got his priorities totally wrong and either cannot see it OR he does not want to. His way of working is a way of controlling YOU.
Your imprisoned AND the more that you let this go on, you are imprisoning yourself.
You must take all your courage and strength now and leave him, finish your degree, and get a job. Find someone who has a job with regular hours. Initially it will be hard, but if you build a support team of family and friends, you can make this work and have a future.
Leave.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (8 July 2014):
 I agree, sometimes it is hard to motivate yourself (myself?) when life is just the same ole same ole ..... a boring round of housework and child minding and a partner who is always too tired to do anything but sleep.
BUT, and here's the thing, even though money is tight you are in a much better place at the moment than many people, which is probably not what you wanted to hear.
You have four mornings a week, and while I can see how much easier it will be to concentrate on the housework and laundry etc while your son is in care it is also a good opportunity to do other stuff, including external learning, so you could get back into your degree, a few units at a time.
With your partner being so stuffed and only wanting to sleep, and who can blame him if he is consistently working 16 hour days, you need to take the initiative, tell him you are missing his company and worry he is burning himself out, there is an old saying "all work and no play makes him a dull boy."
Tell him on each of his days off you want to go somewhere as a family unit, even if it is just for two hours and down to the local playground or park .... pack a thermos and some sandwiches, the little one would love a picnic with his mum and dad.
Also let him know you are worried about him burning out, if he can afford to drop some of his hours he might not be too tired for sex and quality time together.
Most of all you need to communicate, your partner may also have got into a rut and there is every likelihood he cant see anything in his life apart from work and sleep ....
I hope you can work it out, both of you need to be involved more in the lives of the other, and somebody has to take the initiative, in this case I think that has to be you.
Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2014): Dear OP
Your partner is obviously working extremely long hours and so just doesn't have the time to be able to take you out for romantic meals etc at the moment.
Working nights too - have you tried it? It takes me a full day in bed plus one more day of blobbing around the house before I feel remotely human after a set of nights, and my colleagues find it similarly draining. Humans aren't meant to be up all night so it really takes its toll on our bodies.
Having said that, you need more contact and affection. Please don't just up sticks and leave because of this. Talk to your partner and explain. Try and plan for a future when he will be working fewer hours. Talk about reducing your expenditure. While he is still working these hours, try and find emotional support from outside the relationship. Friends, parents of your child's friends, family if they are near etc.
You are doing a really important job bringing up this little ine together and it is hard work, please don't give up, talk it through and make some changes to help get your needs met.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (8 July 2014):
No you did not have to drop your studies. Your kid is in day care 4 mornings a week, you can use that time to study. And the fact that your bf sleeps on his day off, becomes a positive- you can study then .Same, as when he is at work at night ( and your child is, hopefully, in bed sound asleep ).
You are young, and you crave fun, distractions and excitement. And sex , and romance etc. I understand that perfectly, at your age it would be sort of your natural birthright- but I can't tell you " go girl, just go out and get it ! Dump the schmuck and live it up a bit ! " when, apparently, all the poor guy does wrong is working like a madman to support you and your chld and be the sole provider.
Do you know how many mothers have the weight of child care and housekeeping AND a very necessary full time job too ?....
So, if there are still feelings between you, and your complaint is basically boredom, well, if you can't have a fun life, at least have a productive one. Use your lonely time to study .Cut back in housekeeping and chores, if you feel you can't do everything by yourself - grant the minimum hygiene level, and do something for yourself, i.e achieve a goal.
Mind you, this does not solve your problem of not having an available partner and having to live like a single, but it would change your way to and perceve the problem, because you'd be living like a single with a GOAL.
I am not saying that yours is an ideal condition ( and I suppose it will have to change at sme pont, your guy won't be able to work 16 hours a day for life, because he'd drop dead before ...), but, at least you can try to make the best of it, which you are not doing by just sitting there feeling sorry for yourself.
...............................
|
