A
female
age
41-50,
*isslee
writes:Ok, I am near my breaking point and need an unbiased opinion.My bf is in the middle of a divorce, yet they still live in the same house, both for financial reasons(hers) and both lawyers are telling them not to leave until one is ordered to. They do not sleep in the same room, they lead separate and barely speak to each other. He does spend 50% of his time here with me. They have two young sons together. She is my co-worker and we have mutual friends and have spent time together socially before I started seeing my bf. In fact she was the one that suggested I rekindle his and I's friendship(we were friends before they got married) to see if I can find out any dirt on him(I am the only single one of our friends) To my utter amazement, within hours of talking again, we realized we were soulmates, meant for each other! At first we kept it quite and did not tell her. Despite our best efforts to keep it quite, she did find out, by spying on him. She knew there was someone in his life and followed him and creeped in my windows. For another three months or so, she was bitter and angry (don't really blame her on that) but she let us live our lives without too much interference.All that changed this week....She served him with court papers! They had agreed that everything was going to be done through mediation, everything would be split down the middle, no one gaining, no one losing. There is still a chance for mediation and to do this divorce amicably. So until we can get her to sit down with the master judge next month, we have to mind our p's and q's. We are not to upset her, flaunt our relationship in front of her etc. And here within lies the problem... she knows she has us on a leash and making MY life hell!! My bf and I make plans, she decides she needs him to be with the kids cause she has something she needs to do at that time, then cancels that to do something when we made new plans. In seven days she has come up with every reason under the sun to not have him leave the house. She comes and goes on a whim, mostly only taking one child with her. We have managed to get a few hours here and there. And having the kids here is not an option, cause we are waiting until a parenting agreement is in place until we tell them about me.So my question is after that long winded rant... how do I refrain from strangling her and making it even worse for him. How would you deal with this?? I am 100% committed to us and do know this can't last forever (please tell me it can't last forever) I try so hard to be strong and not let it get the better of me and to be the bigger person. She has yet to see that this is effecting me, still smile and say hi when I see her, though all I do is get ignored. I am confident that when all is said and done, his and I's relationship will just be that much stronger.
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co-worker, divorce, soulmate Reply to this Question
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female
reader, misslee +, writes (19 November 2009):
misslee is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell seems you have failed to notice something... They have been separated for TWO YEARS! She didn't want me to check into him cheating, but to see who he was hanging around with, and she too has been dating other men for the past two years.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2009): what a friend you turned out to be. well at least she was proven right. he was cheating - WITH YOU. be careful when this serpent cheats on you. because darling married men who cheat on their wives very rarely change their ways, even when they move on with their mistresses. don't worry HIS WIFE will one day realise what a piece of crap he is anyways, then you can have HER HUSBAND. YOU are a controlling woman and as with all controlling women your days are numbered, you will end up worse than his wife. after all what goes around comes around. its called karma and i am sure you know all about this.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (15 November 2009):
 Pure Evil? I think not - a woman hurting and looking for revenge is more likely the truth.Like I said, if you and he are meant to be together why cant you make a pact that you dont see each other for a period of time, 6 months is not too long in the scheme of things, it will give the wife time to calm down and get a bit more rational, it will give the kids a chance to become used to the fact the family is breaking up, and it will give him a chance to do the right thing as a parent, and to decide if he is doing the right thing.And it will give you 6 months to reflect on the benefits of having an affair with the husband of a friend and work mate and then expecting her to shower you with rose petals and wishes of long life and happiness.You and he are the guilty parties here, not her, and I can't see why you are unable to pull your head in and remove yourself from the situation for a short period of time ... or are you scared she might send another friend in to spy on him and history repeating itself?
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A
female
reader, misslee +, writes (14 November 2009):
misslee is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am fully aware that the kids are very much going to be the first thing we need to think of. I too have two of my own. Being a single parent much longer than he has been, mine are teens, I had to explain to him that he NEEDS to put them first during this time. They are going through their own personal hell. The issue is her using them at pawns and in a vindictive way. Take this morning for example...She called him from work yesterday saying she was going out on Saturday night can he please make his night with me that night (friday) Fair enough she gets one night he gets the other. They have done that for the past two years...Anyway, as he is walking out the door she demanded he be home for the kids by 6:30am because she needs to leave by 7am to have winter tires put on the car. Fine fair enough there too, it is winter,for safety of the kids she needs tires. He gets home to her sitting there ready to go, half an hour passes, an hour and she has yet to leave. He asks if she is going for the tire change and she says "No I decided to have them come get my car next week while I am at work instead."It is things like that that are driving me crazy, the pure evil she is exhibiting.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (14 November 2009):
In that case then, you need to sit down with your boyfriend and really talk to him. He needs to stop her from doing this. But please bear in mind that he will put his children first, no matter what.
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A
female
reader, misslee +, writes (14 November 2009):
misslee is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry I guess I hadn't been clear....
the separation papers were already filed, they were BOTH living as single people, all court papers clearly state that the marriage was dissolved in 2007. There was no cheating involved.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (14 November 2009):
It won't stop and you can't stop it. You just have to take it. The position you are in is that she sees you have destroyed her marriage, he happiness and her life. She won't forgive that. So you just have to take it. She will start to get over it. Also, remember that whatever happens, your new found love will always be there for his children, and will put them first. You need to be able to handle that as well. I would also avoid contact with her. no doubt you are trying to make it easier to move on, but by speaking to her and smiling, she's probobaly being hurt more.
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A
female
reader, Accountable +, writes (14 November 2009):
 Honestly if I were her I can't say I wouldn't be doing the same thing - he and you effectively destroyed this marriage when you both betrayed her trust, why would she allow him to get away unscathed? Maybe you think she drove him to cheating by being a terrible wife, but from the sounds of it he just up and decided that you were his 'soulmate', not her (rather then her doing anything particularly wrong). So I personally think that she should be forgiven in taking more than her 50% away from the divorce - after all, he's leaving with a new partner and she's leaving completely alone.
For now all I think you can do is ride it out, as gracefully as you can. Let her get this all out of her system so that she can move on, and then you two can try to move on - introduce yourself to his children, and try to get THEIR life back to some state of stability. Good luck, all of this will pass with some time.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (14 November 2009):
wooooo eeee, my goodness, did you ever open a can of worms when you decided to spy in him for her.
Of course she is bitter, of course she is putting barriers in your and his way.
And in the middle of this enormous mess are the innocents in this whole sorry mess, the kids.
You and he need to grab a brain and start working smart. If you and he are indeed meant to be together, why not stop trying to see each other all the time, why not keep away from each other and give the situation a chance to cool down, why not agree not to see each other for a short time, what is six months when you are planning to spend the rest of your lives together, at the very least this will give the kids a chance to get used to their parents not being together any more before dear Daddy introduces the wicked step mother (thats you by the way).
selfish, thats how I read it, pure selfishness, and you and the drop kick of a father seem to deserve each other!
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (14 November 2009):
 Honestly this is a desperately sad situation...for his children. The rest of you are probably all sharing the blame for a horrible situation. His wife tried to get evidence on him of cheating, you cheated with him and now there is a divorce. I am not surprised she is divorcing him and is probably very angry - you betrayed her, he betrayed her. Perhaps in the long run it is in her best interests to know her husband is a cheat as she can move on with her life, but right now she is mighty angry and making life difficult. I cannot say I wouldn't be making life difficult for him if I found myself in that situation. It must be awful for the children. Your relationship with him is utterly irrelevant at the moment - his wife maybe no saint but she is just taking her revenge and I cannot say I blame her too much! You maybe cited as the reason for the divorce and just have to ride out the rough times. If your relationship with her husband lasts then perhaps it is worth tolerating. However, he started an affair with you while married to her so there is no guarantee he won't stray from you in years to come. I would just stay out of the way and not go to the house or try talking to her. YOur friendship with her is basically over and probably will never be repaired.
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