A
female
age
41-50,
*endy2012
writes:I have been married for four years. My husband has been emotionally abusive. He ignores me, wants me to plead for attention, for sex, calls me a whore, tells me he cant kiss me because am disgusting and all sorts of stuff. I have kids, and he does not. He ignores my kids, does not help them financially in any way. I have complained to him several times but this has not changed. I have now become wounded and I easily snap and shout at him at slightest provocation. I met two old friends, on separate occasions and they made comments that I have really changed from being calm, gentle and polite to being rude loud and bitter. Am so because I fear to be taken for granted by people, like my husband. I miss my old self, but am scared that when am gentle and vulnerable my husband will take me for granted and start his abusive words. This time around, he does it silently. He is scared to call me names cos I shout and use very hurtful words in retaliation. Am now tired of this, but don’t know what to do. My husband wont easily move out of our house (we are living in my sister’s house for free). He says he sees no big problem with out marriage and its fine enough to continue together. . We had been to counselling and that did not seem to have helped. Now, am slowly moving from anger to depression. What do I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2014): Adding to what Wiseowl has so brilliantly said, maybe your best option at the moment is taking care of your OWN self/health at the moment. To avoid all arguments if you can and just remove yourself from the situation. Although you are feeling down trodden be very aware that you are in danger of turning into the aggressor,because you are venting years of internal unexpressed anger. You have to be silently strong regaining your inner stregnth and spirit and balancing a tired mind from fear and anger burning in your stomach growing. You can find some peace through how you REACT. You know he won't change but you know and have the power to know that you can change.
I don't know the why's or wherefores of your culture but i do know you have spirit and this is your strength, to be angry and bitter is to drain your strength and take away your light.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2014): I had assumed there would be cultural-backlash if you did take a rebellious stand, and sought a divorce. It is so sad that women are forced to live with horrible men in spite of how they treat her. If she frees herself, then society will treat her just as badly.
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A
female
reader, wendy2012 +, writes (6 August 2014):
wendy2012 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you so much for your advice. divorce is not so difficult in my country. i dont really know how much it can cost, but i think i can afford. i think in the meantime i will look at pushing him out of the house to leave me alone with the kids. i earn twice what he does and can afford to take care of me and the kids, like i have always done. the only obstacle i need to face is the stigma attached to divorce as a woman. i will be lebelled as a failure, people will no longer respect me, my voice will not be heard at family gathering as i will be lebelled as a prostitute, especially if am the one to initiate the divorce proceedings. this is the hardest part of it.
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A
female
reader, cmarieky  +, writes (6 August 2014):
Please leave at least for your kids sake. You are being a poor example right now. It will be hard but staying in this and the effects on u n the kids will be even more detrimental. End this by walking away.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2014): It often takes frustration to push us to the limit. Once we reach that threshold, we decide what is the best option, or course of action. You have reached that point, my dear lady!
You have been acting out of character for so long, that it is beginning to make you sick. Please go see a doctor and seek treatment. It is recommended that you should get a full medical evaluation to be sure to check your blood pressure, heart, and other vital signs to make sure you're in good-health. Stress can do a number on you, and you've put up with it far too long. On top of having children.
Getting older together is often when people reach changes both emotionally and physically. Hormonal-changes will shorten patience; and make you more susceptible to stress and undue pressure. It will also effect your temperament. So please put your health first. It may be time to remove him from your life.
Once your medical checkup is out of the way, find yourself a lawyer. If you cannot afford one; find a lawyer who will offer pro bono legal services; or at reduced fees. Be careful of scam artists, check their credentials. Offer no upfront payment.
More importantly, try to contain your temper. Take a walk outside, inhale deep breaths, splash your face with cold water. Remove yourself from heated situations, and lower your anxiety level. Avoid tension.
Some cultures and religions are not partial to the rights of women; so we all have to be careful how we advise you. You don't fully explain why you remain in your situation under such harsh conditions. I'm sure with children, there is some financial dependency; but he doesn't seem to care for your kids.
Once you start legal proceedings, you may be taken more seriously, and make some impact on your situation. Again, this all depends on the laws of your culture, and your religious beliefs.
We often hear from female OP's who are simply venting, knowing there is nothing legally they can do. They cry for help; but aren't able to use our advice it in any way, without very serious repercussions. We wouldn't want to put you in a situation that could endanger your safety, or the safety of your children.
You're in South Africa, but I know nothing of your country's stance on women's rights. Or, if your religious affiliations restrict your legal-options. I know there is a large Muslim population. So I tread respectfully in offering blatant remarks, or making aggressive suggestions that may bring harm to you.
Many foreign women who contact DC are at the mercy of their husbands; and do themselves more harm than good by being rebellious. I hope that is not the case for you. It is certainly up to the individual, and how strong they are; as to how far they are willing to go to assert their rights.
I will not presume how willing you are to take the steps necessary to correct your marital situation. Or, you may have already exhausted all your options.
You have to tell us how the laws treat women's rights in domestic situations and divorce; before unloading all your marital issues here, having little or no legal options at your disposal. That is because divorce may be the only recourse you really have, if counseling hasn't worked.
If nothing else, please take care of your health!!!
I send out prayers for you!
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A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (5 August 2014):
You don't own the house.....tell him your sister is going to sell the house, she has offered it to another family member who is suffering financially to get out.
When a person becomes depressed it is hard to focus your mind on what your needs are. You don't have the energy to do anything but sometimes the basic needs.
What are your children learning? You children will learn how to deal with this negatively. They are learning the wrong way to deal with loves ones......maybe even you in the future.
If your friends are noticing an unhealthy change in you, you are the only one that holds the key. You are the one in control of what situation you put yourself into.
I'm not trying to beat you up about your situation. I truly feel terrible for you. If you need assistance ask the people who care about you. It sounds like you have that kind of support. Talk to your doctor if your depression gets worse.
Good Luck!
You know what needs to be done!
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (5 August 2014):
 You should take some legal action or at least look into it for now if money is tight. This is the only way your husband will leave, by force. You can look into seeing some divorce lawyers and find out about the entire process from a professional. That way you can ask all the questions you need to (like who gets what and how much they will charge you for their service). It's better if you start ASAP because the process of divorce isn't a quick one, at least in my country it isn't. You also need to stop opening yourself up to your husband. Put on a front of 'I don't care about you or what you do and neither should you care about me (as he clearly doesn't)' and this may in turn help you keep what's left of the old you as you work to regain who you once were. Opening up to your husband only gives him insight into what really hurts and that allows him to use that as ammo and that is exactly why he has succeeded at making you feel awful, he uses whatever you tell him against you so it would be best to leave talks about your feelings completely out. So do everything you need to one step at a time. You can try to temporarily get away from him for the time being by moving out or having your sister request he vacate the premises as it is her place after all and I don't see why you should be the one to leave. This will all be so hard but realize that they're steps you desperately need to take for your own good. Good luck OP.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (5 August 2014):
 Whatever you do, do NOT let your anger turn into depression. Instead use it to fuel you to take action. That's what it exists for. Having a plan, even a loose flexible one, will make a world of difference.
The first place I'd start is with your sister. Find out where she stands on this and if she's willing to continue the same arrangement with you and your kids without your husband.
Second, speak to attorney and find out what your rights and responsibilities are. I'm not sure about your area, but here, many will offer a free half hour (or hour) consultation. make the most of it by having questions ready. Find out how you can legally get rid of him (your sister, as the homeowner or name on the lease may have to give him notice).
Presumably, you have SOME source of income, albiet a small one (or you wouldn't be living rent free with your sister). Find out what services you qualify for.
And for God's sake, stop talking to your husband about your feelings. It's pointless and it's only weighing you down. This situation is not his ideal, but it's comfortable enough that he's in no hurry to give it up so he doesn't care about your feelings as long as he has a decent and FREE place to stay. You've said it all before, it isn't working and it's just making you more angry. Confide in a close friend or family member if you have to.
Another thing, I recommend you change all your passwords (and security questions) to something he doesn't know and can't figure out. That way you can email yourself a list of things to do, or questions for an attorney, without alerting him to what your planning.
And before I forget, gather up any information or official documents you might need, that will be easier to get while you're still together. Better to have and not need than need and not have. You don't want him dicking around in court not providing you with something then you can easily get now.
And remember not to overwhelm yourself. This is a process so even small steps in the right direction will get you where you want to be. Just put one foot in front of the other.
And don't forget to have fun. Picture what you want your life to look like and start living some of it now. He can complain all he likes, but if you know he's going to be gone, then what does it matter what he thinks or says?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2014): Can you move in with someone else temporarily? If so, do that and give your husband a set time to leave. I'm not sure what the laws are in your country, but sometimes people are required to give a certain length of time, like 30 days. If you do not have any friends or relatives you can stay with, look into a safety house for abused women.
Your situation sounds a lot like mine. I turned into a bitter, hateful, irritable woman when I was with my ex, but he moved out at the beginning of the year, and I have to say, 2014 has been the best year of my life. I am much happier, and everyone comments on how I have become a completely different person--less stressed out and much happier.
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