A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I could sure use some advice on relating to my potential future father-in-law. My girl and I are not engaged but that may change soon as I have his permission to propose and am just saving money for the ring. He swears he will keep the secret but I think he already told his wife (my girl’s mom) and I don’t see her mom not telling her. My surprise may already be spoiled, but I think my chances of a getting a “yes” are pretty good based on heart to heart talks we have had about the future and the fact the ring I am getting is one she liked when we went ring shopping for “fun” one day. Back to my actual problem. Her mother is living angel and has always made me feel welcome and at ease, but her dad is driving me crazy. My girl says she think her dad likes me more than I realize. I think maybe he likes me but I am paranoid and it is like he is always messing with my head. I am keeping this anonymous but he is a retired professional athlete. I am self-conscious about not being much of an athlete and never playing organized sports. I don’t even know a lot about his sport until now (he shows me a bunch of his game file highlights like every time I am over there at their house). I am super fit from a nerdy gym rat point of view and I guarantee my body fat is lower than his and my cardio is better, but he is a huge and very impressive dude even at his age. To be honest, I am in awe of him. He makes jokes about me not being very big (I am 6 foot but only 150). He is very physical and is always getting me to play catch or workout with him, making me change into workout clothes when we are there for dinner or something, and starts giving me pro tips like I am going to try out for a pro team some time. Then he makes snarky remarks like, well maybe your kids will be jocks. Honestly I kill myself trying to impress him and he dreams up challenges just to wear me out to see how long I hang in there. We have these weird conversations with me on a treadmill and I am drenched in sweat and trying to catch my breathe and he just keeps talking about random stuff. He thinks he is being funny, but I admit to feeling a little emasculated sometimes when I give it all I got and he acts like I did not measure up. I sort of laugh with him because it is funny how he thinks he is funny and it is like he has no filter, but a part of me wishes like hell I could impress him. He does not have any sons and sometimes I think he is projecting on me. He acknowledges what I have done so far in my career and that I will be a good provider (not that my GF actually needs me that way as she is doing great professionally herself). I just don’t think he know much or cares much about what I do for a living or the stress involved and how I get to be a leader in a different way sometimes. The other angle is a mixed race angle. I am white, my girl and her family are black. My GF and I literally do not care about that and are just insanely attracted to each other (me possibly being more desperately into her). I think he might be disappointed she picked a white guy as a BF tbh. He is always making jokes about it. We were all at the pool all together and I was tanning and he asked if that was “dark as you get” and like shook his head like my skin tone was pathetic. Again, I think he just thinks he is being funny and maybe I just need to chill out. He was surprisingly decent when I asked about proposing and the only snarky remark was about why I don’t have enough money to get the ring yet. He offered to lend me the money but I think that was a test and it would be way weird so I said no thanks. Or maybe the fact he wanted to help is a positive sign he really does approve. It is hard for me to tell. He came to my office once (everybody went fan crazy) and he said it was not as big as his old office (which is a stadium of course). I think if I was on the outside watching this I would tell myself to lighten up that he is a funny guy and my girl says this is just how he is and if he did not like me he would freeze me out and not talk to me or invite me to work out and do stuff with him. My dad is such a fan of his I think he is having a hard time being objective. Thankfully my dad’s knowledge of sports stats helped me be prepared to break the ice when we first met. I was showing off my awareness of his career and he called me out for not being a real fan but said I got points for doing research in order to suck up. My punishment was watching hours and hours of game film highlights with him. Finally, I feel weird about being at the start of my career and my girl is used to having the best of everything and while we will have a nice lifestyle it will be less than what she is used to having. She actually wants the independence from her dad’s money which makes me happy because I have a hang up about wanting to do things on our own. But still, her dad says things like “I guess that will do for now” when we were looking at a house to rent until we are ready to buy, and he was trash talking my vehicle because he says I should drive something more impressive to look the part for my career. I don’t know if he is trying to help me, chase me off, or just confuse the hell out of me. I do know for a fact he tried to get my GF to dump me at the beginning but she says he is never happy with anyone she picks at first and she insists he has told her “that boy is alright.” I guess that is pretty good under the circumstances. Any advice on how to fit in or get and stay on his good side. Thank you, Marcus
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2023): I do NOT think you are being a pansy. On your behalf I object to that comment. Young men trying to prove themselves to father figures is normal and healthy. If I was your GF, I would appreciate your effort to get along with her dad. She knows how difficult he can be, presumably. I think you are doing well so far and he probably does like you, or he would not have given his blessing after all. Be cocky and confident about the things you do well. He will recognize and respect that pride. He is sharing about his life with you, so share back. It is not a competition, but you are both sizing each other up in your own way. He sounds like a direct kind of guy, so be direct with him. Sir, you many not mean anything by that comment but I am proud of where I am at this point in my life and I plan on doing even better, but right now your encouragement would mean a lot to me. Try that or something like it. If he gets too unbearable, remember you can always ask his wife for advice on dealing with him and she will privately kick his butt so he does not chase off the nice young man her daughter loves. One last thing, check out a 2005 movie called "Guess Who" with Bernie Mac and Ashton Kutcher. It is a comedy but the young white man is trying to fit in with the accomplished black father of his fiance. It is not exactly your same situation but there is a lot there about the dynamics on both race and just father in law and son in law tension. The thing that brings them together is their respect for the love they both have for the women in their lives. Maybe you can watch it with your girl's dad. He probably has seen it. It is just an idea.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (24 August 2023):
 I completely agree with the poster who says that you're coming across as a pansy by trying to please him all the time. Just learn to say no. It's more than fine to not have the same interests and levels of fitness as him! He's beating you to the game that he's good at, because that's his strength. Not everyone can be a professional athlete and you don't even have to try to compete with him. You got a "punishment" for not knowing about his sport? Gawd! Talk about delusions of grandeur!! If I were you, I'd tell my girlfriend that that was the end of my interaction with the father!
You have other strengths and you should focus on those. Why are you trying so hard to impress him? Why does it matter to you so much, what he thinks of you? And why are you even going to their house so much and giving him a chance to mess with you? Just tell your girlfriend everything that you've told us and stop trying to please everyone. Chances are, your girlfriend's father's intellectual level is not that high and this is the only place/way that he thinks he's better than you. His behaviour is the sign of an insecure person and so is yours.
Learn to say no. Learn to safeguard your self respect. Learn that you don't have to please everyone. Learn that just because someone is good at something, doesn't mean that you have to be, too. Don't lose your identity in trying to impress someone. And for heaven's sake don't kill yourself in the process of trying to prove your athletic abilities!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2023): I think you are making too big a deal of all this. You don't have to please him, and trying hard to please him makes you look like a pansy, like you have no backbone or a personality of your own. What is wrong with saying nah I am not into treadmills etc, don't fancy that and refusing to do it. Or insisting you do something else physical like football or insisting you had a really hard day at the office and need to wind down and relax instead. Then he would respect you. You are coming across as a people pleaser. Your girlfriend will respect you if she can see that you have balls and can say no as well as yes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2023): I think you are making too big a deal of all this. You don't have to please him, and trying hard to please him makes you look like a pansy, like you have no backbone or a personality of your own. What is wrong with saying nah I am not into treadmills etc, don't fancy that and refusing to do it. Or insisting you do something else physical like football or insisting you had a really hard day at the office and need to wind down and relax instead. Then he would respect you. You are coming across as a people pleaser. Your girlfriend will respect you if she can see that you have balls and can say no as well as yes.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (23 August 2023):
 Okay, I've really read through this and I actually think that he likes you a lot. I think it's probably quite the plot twist (for him) that his daughter picked a skinny white guy, and it sounds like he's doing his best to be supportive and accepting of that. But, I'm guessing that your girl is right - he probably is overprotective of his daughter - nobody is ever good enough, etc. etc. But here you are!
(I am also in a mixed race marriage - only I'm the black one.)
What you describe does sound a bit like a) black culture, b) man culture, c) rich guy culture, and d) General Father In Law culture.
I do feel like he's teasing you, and also wanting to show off his masculinity and patriarchal role to you, but that seems typical of all of those cultures. It also sounds like he does like you. You're a bit of a surprise, but it sounds like he is accepting you (even if begrudgingly) - he's spending time with you, chatting with you at family events, and teasing you. It sounds like he's trying to teach you things, or encourage you to be stronger, work harder, etc. I'm not saying I approve of how he's doing it or that he should be doing it at all, but that's what father-in-laws sometimes are like. Like you said, he has no sons - I suspect he'd be doing the same thing to them if he had them.
Your actual question is: "how to fit in and how to stay on his good side". I suppose my advice would be this: first and foremost, be a good husband and partner to his daughter. Not in the way that best suits him, but the way that best suits her. What is most important is that SHE'S happy. That's what a good Dad cares about. Secondly, I guess I would lighten up a bit. This is not a contest of masculinity for you. Show him respect, but also just be yourself. Learn about their family culture, while showing them some of your own.
My father-in-law also has no filter. He's a good person, but man alive can he make me feel crappy with his little comments - even when I know he isn't being malicious, just an old man who has zero filter. I know he absolutely adores me nonetheless, he just doesn't quite "get" me. He also hasn't really adapted to this new age of interpersonal relations. So, often times I will just internally remind myself to give him a little grace - he's been around for eight decades, and I realize that he has a lot of stories, experience and life behind him. I'm still just a kid to him (even though I'm 37). He wants to be validated just as much as anyone else. That's why I have to listen to the same stories of him thwarting a bear, wrestling a wolf, yadda yadda yadda. Every time, I treat it like the first time I've heard it - he wants to feel cool again. I get it. And, his stories are pretty cool, anyway.
Old guys can be this way. Making you watch the game highlights and all that - such an old man thing to do. He's proud of that. In some ways, HE is trying to impress YOU. Guys do that - they always want to show off their accomplishments and one up each other. Just chill. When he's talking about his accomplishments "wow, yeah, that's cool!" when he's making little comments about your office, car and house - try to brush it off as much as you can, remember that he's teasing you, remember that he's got no filter, and remember that deep down he does like you. I'm not saying just roll over and take it - but I am saying that those internal reminders can soften your response and help you pick your battles.
"That boy is alright." Let me tell you - that is the highest compliment you can hope for from an old black guy. You stayed the course. You passed the tests.
If the relationship you and your gal has is healthy and solid, don't let Dad get in your head. I suspect you guys might have a funny, but good relationship down the line. And all of this prologue, funny stories you can tell later. I may be wrong, but I hope I'm right?
Good luck, buddy!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2023): This girl, unfortunately for no fault of her own, is going to be more trouble than she's worth ONLY because of her father. My mother-in-law made my life a living hell and if I'd known what a monster she would be, I would probably not have married my husband despite the fact that he has no flaws of his own. But, I've come to realise the hard way that you don't just marry the person, you also in many ways marry the family.
You can't change the guy but you'll end up making yourself even more miserable with time. He isn't going to change his attitude but when the honeymoon wears off with your partner, you will start resenting her father and his behaviour towards you. That is exactly what happened with me. I tolerated a lot of my mother-in-law's BS because I was so insanely in love with my husband and I thought, she's hardly going to be there in my life so what does it matter?
WRONG!
She was/is very much there, still being a b**** and I wish I could have chosen someone with better parents who loved and respected me and my daughter. I have had hundreds of fights with my husband over his mother's attitude which HE has no control over, but I tell him because it's his mother.
My advice? You can never fit in and get on his right side. Walk away.
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