A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm 45 with 2 "boys" aged 20 and 22. Both are finished A-Level and College. The oldest works part time 12-16 hours a week mostly in the in the evenings and other than going to football and the gym spends his time either in bed or in front of the telly or face-book.I've just recently found out that the youngest was put off his course for non attendance in his second year-he was living 50 mile away at college-could have done the same course closer to home but wanted to borrow from student loan company to be with his friends!!!They are both at home most of the day lying in bed or on the sofa watching the comedy channels or the music channels-with the same programs over and over again-if its not that its stuck in the living room with laptop on face-book.Their rooms are tips-my house is no longer my home-i feel i'm in student accommodation-or its more like a "Hobos' Squat" or "Doss House."When i "go off on one" about it i am told than i am mad, crazy, a tramp, laughed at when i give off about the mess and that they are not doing anything around the house i am told to shut up and regularly told to F*** Off and Go F*** Myself. Is this normal-am i not normal for thinking this is not right???I've already had a full hysterectomy 3 years ago due to a large fibroid growing in my womb and i have an appointment for a scan this week to look further into a tumor on my spleen.I'm finding living with them very difficult - i'm moody (my husband told me to be sure and tell this) and i regularly go to leave the house in the middle of a row and say i've had enough-then things get physical and violent between us-i lash out-i thump myself in the chest and the stomach and say i'm not a woman anymore-my husband invited me to hit him because he said he was the one i really was mad at-so one time i did and now it happens every time we row-usually because he pulls me in the door and corners me telling me to calm down-which really doesn't help!!!We grab each other shouting and screaming and sometimes there's blood and and there is always bruises -i've been for a mammogram because my breasts were sore and i found hard lumps - they didn't find anything - not yet!!!Things are difficult with the recession enough as it is without all this. Am i just a bad mother and getting what i deserve?We have made a good home for them both-i thought-raised them as best as we could-done without any social life whatsoever to provide for them and give them what we could afford.I've been their cook, cleaner, taxi,teacher, their hairdresser(no im not a hairdresser) nursed them-neither of them has been to the doctors more than 3 times since they were about 7-8years old due to me looking after them in a holistic way, cooking proper food and generally doing things the harder way.I've worried about them, encouraged them, told them how talented they were, filled out their forms for them, made up their CV's for them, applied for jobs for them-which are hard to find and get at the moment.I've wanted to pursue my interest and work with holistic therapies which i have been studying-for a number of years now but its impossible (or maby its just me that's impossible!)I'm now just at the end of trying and hoping that things will get better-i think its too far late for that now-we're not a family any more-a family cares about each other, supports each other, respects each other-and i've seen very little of that for a long time now.I haven't the will or the confidence to carry on-its affected my marriage-we are always arguing - i've had enough.Is it selfish of me to want to have a life with a little fun and peace in it? Or do i settle for a life of abuse and recluse?I got my husband to read this before sending-he said it looks bad-and that i have a few grammar mistakes-sorry about that.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2012): Its my 4th post - Thank you again everybody-i just rated all of your answers-was so stressed i didn't see the rating-i meant to give you 5 stars also Spunky Monkey-its my first time to use the site-thank God i found it-you have all helped me confirm that i'm not supposed to put up with this.
What i'm going to do about it is another thing-i don't want to involve police-and i hope things don't go that far-i hope to have the strength to walk away from it all before that.
Didn't get much sleep last night worrying about having my scan today-thank you all again.
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (5 July 2012):
 Hi
Thing is your not listening to what people suggest on here, your not doing anything differently. Your just explaining more of what they are doing on another day.
If you want your homelife to change,make new rules. Its time they left home,your home,as they don't appear to respect either you or your husband. Its hard when theyre your children, but as adults,they have to learn.
Your husband needs to stand his ground and give them the bad news.You need a united front.
Your health is suffering both mentally and physically when you should be enjoying the next stage of your life with your husband. Your not relaxing, instead your being ground down by your sons. I hope the hospital visit goes ok for you.
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A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (4 July 2012):
I had a lazy phase when I was 18. My mom and dad told me that if I didn't want to pull my own weight in the household I could bloody well move out and live on my own. I knew from my friends' stories that living on your own involves a lot more work (and money) than living with parents, so I adjusted my attitude. But the reason it worked was because my parents stood their ground. They stopped washing my clothes, cooking me dinner, etc. until I started working with them.
They didn't go mushy on me, they didn't react to my objections; they had rules, I simply had to follow them or move out. It really was that simple.
A similar approach should help you discipline your sons as well, but your husband has to work with you so you can form a team and be consistent. Consistency is key. Don't be a doormat.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2012): This is my third entry. i wrote the first post.My youngest son is still renting the house he stayed in to go to college-paid for with his student loan-we had to co-sign his agreement AND he has to keep in contract to 31st August-we insisted that he give us the rent money up front when his loan payments x3 came in AND we would pay it.He cant afford to stay in it at the moment because he has no money-that's why he came home-not for the love of us i can assure you-he makes that perfectly clear.As from last Wednesday he could have signed on for job seekers allowance-£53.45 a week-and he still hasn't done that-i asked him this calmly this morning what was he going to do that i would ring for information if he wanted-he told me it was none of my business-he'll do what he wants-it seems he just can't be bothered.Reluctantly he told me he had an interview tomorrow - i asked what was the hours of work-he said he didn't know AND why was i asking so many questions he felt like he was on a quiz showAll of you are telling me to do the same thing so i cant be wrong-i have my appointment with the Radiologist tomorrow AND instead of thinking positive i'm breaking down crying.A neighbor called called earlier to ask a favor of him AND he was very helpful went off for a couple of hours with him to give a hand lifting AND moving stuff-i told the neighbor how lucky he was to get my son to do things for him as he does nothing around the house (i'm not hiding it anymore) AND when my son came back he was all smiles with the neighbor-when the man left, he turned nasty again.When my husband spoke to them last night about picking things up after themselves AND trying to be helpful around the house the my 20 year old son said but we are only young and don't know what to do-we are still the children-and that when they done anything it was never good enough-believe me anyone who at least tries AND makes an effort AND that's what i've always done with them in everything-but when somebody does things half hearted AND in a way that makes more work for you, what do you say? I have thanked them when they done anything for me in the house AND i think if you're going to do something for somebody, would they not want it done in the way (or as much as could be)in the way they usually do it-if its not broke don't fix it, or just do it in an awkward way so as not to be asked again!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2012): I am the person who wrote in for advice-thank you everybody for taking time to read my long post-i cant thank you enough-although we are strangers i feel you've listened to me and understood me more than my sons will ever even try to.
My husband talked to them last night & asked me to go relax & have a bath-so i did & cried my heart out so much that i had to take painkillers.
They still don't understand why lying in bed all day when they have nothing to do should bother me.
You see the final straw that made me realize i needed to tell someone what's going on was Monday last-my husband was drilling through concrete in the back yard to locate a pipe-my oldest son age 22, got up at 9.30am that morning and as promised & posted a parcel for my husband-he came home at just past noon, made himself some sandwiches, checked his Facebook and went back to bed-he later got up at 4-4.30pm and went to the Gym-he came back about 6.30pm and walked passed my husband in the yard-i asked are you going to help your father (who was working all day & had pulled a muscle in his back earlier this year & also has on & off Sciatica) and he said "sure i have to get ready i'm going out"-he did get ready & his mates called for him by 9-9.30pm & he came home after 3am! On a Monday!
My youngest son played drums in the garage while my husband worked outside-he came out 1-2hours later, walked past my husband also-i asked him the same question-he answered me with "Did you not ask to help him? Why don't you help him?"
So you see you don't feel much like a woman when two young "supposed to be men" treat & talk to you like that!
I said months ago i wasn't doing their washing while they stayed in bed all day-i was told i didn't do it, the washing machine did-i said it doesn't pick them off the floor in the bathroom or your bedroom & put them on the line, take them in when dried ect - and then when i ask you to put them away they sit in your room in a pile mixed with the dirty ones.
I've said i'm not doing it but you end up with clothes everywhere-he picks up 6 items maby & puts them in the machine & then takes 1-2-or 3 items out & puts them into the tumble dryer-the rest stay in the machine & would never be thought of again-until needed! Its just impossible to live together now-they are so messy.
The other one when at college came home on a Friday with dirty clothes-stayed in bed all day-got up in the evening & stayed up all night-i refused to wash his clothes while he done that but you end up doing it anyway.
You know as i'm writing this i can't believe my home & family has come to this-my neighbors & their teachers & anyone we knew used to comment on how we had great children-pleasant, well mannered, that they were a credit to us-if they only knew how they treat us they would find it hard to believe.
Thank you everybody-i will try to get back to you later, good advice & good people who are willing to take their time to help others is just Gold Dust & i wish you all well, you deserve the best in life & i hope you are all rewarded for your kind & genuine nature.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (4 July 2012):
Hi
Well theyre taking the proverbial mick out of you and your husband. You've got them through their growing up years and sadly they havent matured. They need a short sharp shock.
Get some cardboard boxes and bin-liners put them in their room/s. Tell them they have 4 weeks to find somewhere to live.Let them know your serious, tell them to start packing.You and your husband do this together.Dont listen to any abuse or arguments, stick to your guns.
You can always downsize your home to a one bed place so they cant come back.
Focus on yourself get yourself well,nothing else.You've reached the end of your tether here its no wonder your stressed
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A
female
reader, malletchick76 +, writes (4 July 2012):
 Honestly, kick them out. You give them an ultimatum. Either shape up or ship out. They are big boys. MAKE SURE YOU GET YOUR HUSBAND TO BACK YOU UP. Or they will resent you forever.
Stick to your guns, be firm. You are not being selfish. You raised them well enough to get on to college and past 18. That's a great accomplishment. So you deserve to have respect.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2012): I read your post about half way through and skimmed through the rest. I am 23 and in a relationship. We rent a house, i am primary care provider for my 2 and one yr olds, i also work nights 5days a wk, part time- its only five hrs/day. My bf works and takes all the hrs he can get. Hes practically full time but was hired as pt. I would lay down the law and if they cant follow the rules, kick them out. Thats ridiculous. They arent doing much with themselves and why would they if they have everything at home. As for you, you should have your dr check your hormone levels and it would be a good idea for you and ur hubby to go to couples counselling. Acting violent will only make things worse. It may be a good idea for you to have someone to confide in emotionally for how you feel about your historectomy, not an easy thing to go through. good luck, good health and get your life back. I hope this helped
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (4 July 2012):
 Of course you’re correct in thinking that it’s not right.
You’re described three different issues here, which are naturally interrelated.
The first is the behaviour of your sons, the second your emotional and physical health, and the third your marriage. I suspect addressing the first two will go quite a way toward addressing the third.
As a parent I made it abundantly clear that my wife and I would tolerate no disrespect. Being told to f-off or go f- yourself are profoundly disrespectful. Creating and maintaining a mess in the home is disrespectful. Your sons never accepted those as boundaries. It will be difficult to establish such boundaries now, but for your sake it must be done. If I read this correctly, neither of these adults is presently pursuing post-secondary education, and neither is contributing financially to the household. So, why exactly are they living there? It is time to set ground rules. Living in the family home as adults is a *privilege*. That privilege is contingent upon them using the opportunity to improve themselves; contributing to the functioning of the home financially and operationally – cleaning up, doing chores, etc.; and contributing to the harmony of the home by respectful behaviour. Failure to abide by those rules, in full, means losing the privilege of living there. Since it sounds like the situation is too far gone for them to begin abiding by the rules, it is time for them to make their own way in the world, independently. They no longer deserve to live under your roof.
Your frustration is understandable. Nonetheless, you must recognize that the way you have been dealing with those frustrations to date has not been effective. The fact of your illnesses and surgeries may have contributed to your moodiness. I suggest that you speak to your physician, have your hormone levels checked, and otherwise try to discover if there is an organic cause for your mood swings. That you’ve said you feel “no longer a woman” is understandable after such major surgery, but perhaps you could benefit from counselling to help you cope with that very profound change. Counselling could help too with the understandable anxiety you feel over your ongoing health issues.
The fact that you mention you’ve begun to physically abuse your husband suggests that you know it’s wrong. Neither you nor your husband are coping in an appropriate way. Again, sitting down with a counsellor might help you both to recognize the dysfunctional patterns you’ve fallen into, as a first step toward changing them.
As I said earlier, I suspect that dealing with your sons and your health will go a long way toward improving your marriage. I would advise you to begin without delay.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (3 July 2012):
 Everyone has a few grammar mistakes, so don't worry about it. If we didn't make mistakes we wouldn't be human. Actually, it sounds like you have this pretty much figured out. If you can, I would start making plans to leave and get yourself an apartment. I would not settle for this. I have never had children, but have tried to teach many of them, so I know the attitude you are facing with them. They think they are entitled to everything you have and that it should be given to them on a golden platter without having to work for it. If your husband will not help you get these boys out of the house, then the only recourse you have it to separate. I am not sure if you are financially able to be on your own, but perhaps you could stay with your parents or a friend until you got on your feet? Those boys should be given an ultimatum by your husband and you. They should have a certain amount of time to get themselves jobs and get out since they refuse to help with the household and refuse to do anything productive. If your husband won't help you, you have nothing us to do but to leave.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2012): Your problem is that you sound like doormat! Your 'children' are adults and should be taking care of themselves.
Starting next week they can either pay rent or get out. Sorry sweetie but your boys need to grow up and man up!
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