A
male
age
41-50,
*obby_singin
writes:I recently discovered that my 22 year old daughter who is doing her post graduation has clicked and sent her nude pictures to her boyfriend.am concerned that its morally incorrect and also usually such pictures land up circulating.Its very very shocking and i have not mentioned this to my wife who would be devastated.My question is how do i address this ?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (15 March 2017):
 She is 22 you should not be snooping in her personal possessions no matter where you are from.
A
female
reader, Guardian wings +, writes (9 March 2017):
Dear uncle,
I'm your daughter's generation and have been through her phase. I'm sorry that many people here weren't able to get full understanding of your situation as they have little background about the realities of the Indian society and the problems surrounding men/dating etc.
Let us take a few steps back and look at this situation from a holistic point of view. Firstly, yes, your daughter is not only your child but also a sexual human being, she will have her desires and go for it- love or attraction whatever it might be. I'm guessing from your post that you were already aware of her having a boyfriend but sending nude pictures has shocked you, rightly so. It isn't uncommon and the chances of it circulating on net as porn is low.
what is however of a bigger concern is- Who this guy is, how is he treating her and what exactly is happening. There's a huge risk there if a. He gets revengeful on a future break up, b. He has political and monetary influence in the society. I understand your struggles as a parent, fully providing for your child, responsible for her future marital status, answerable to the harsh society around, fearful of this resulting in something that might psychologically damage your child and cause her trauma in case he misuses it or even worse, we've heard of silly youngsters killing themselves over leaks.
Our society has untamed boys, overprotected girls who aren't equipped to make good decisions and judgement even after 21, and a dating world that's not at all based on any ground rules and general understanding. There's zero foundation for us to rely on when it comes to types of people, types of relationships, communicating what they honestly want etc. There's no established rights and wrongs or norms! It is quite pathetic. Youngsters could avoid half the heartbreaks and consequences if dating was a more organized part of our society. Forget having manners towards a girlfriend, It's a place where people sneeze on another person's face; our country's civic sense reflects how most people don't give a rats ass to another individual who is not part of their family. If it is a family member all of a sudden respect and culture starts to exist. After doing so much for your child and planning her well being I can understand your disappointment and frustration.
Don't worry It will not end up circulating. You should be more concerned and proactive about whom she's dating, not about details of the sex life they are having. If you get angry with her she's going to question your right in her privacy. The focus should be on moulding your daughter to make sound decisions for herself, protect herself and her own well being. It's really about time you instill that in her than interfere in all matters, especially sexual details. Will you be there to snoop on her after a marriage? Tomorrow what would you do if her own husband is sexually abusive (forcing her into acts) or circulating her photos? I've seen it happening to a friend's friend where her husband himself turned out to be a pervert selling her pics etc.! In such cases, a girl should have been brought up and taught to make good decisions regarding sexual matters BY HERSELF. Not on your interference. We cannot control the world around us, but each one of us can control what we let into our own little world. You should try to help your daughter with learning to execute that. My guess is that she trusts this guy too much and has invested way more belief in the relationship than she should have. Maybe he's a good man, both in love and they're just having some fun being wild and young. Maybe they aren't in love but having a gala time anyway. But the point is she needs to learn to protect herself from potentially dangerous outcomes and develop safe sexual practices. Sex is not bad, but men can be really really bad out there.
Have you and your wife sat own and educated her on sexual attraction and how to judge men, how to make sure no one violates her rights or puts her in a dangerous situation? Usually Indian parents say "Don't go near men/date them. Go Study" mom what is sex? OMG don't say that word till you are married! I don't know how you are with your daughter, I'm only talking in general about Indian parents so please don't take offense!
If your wife is overly conservative or will tend to create dramatic scenes, please keep it to yourself. Don't reveal to your daughter what you saw as it will lead to damage in your relationship with her. Plus, she will stonewall you and not be receptive of your well meaning concerns. She will only get more rebellious with you/the mother. Worser still, distance herself away from you both and trust her boyfriend more than you! Only discuss about relationships, men and protecting herself in general.
Just help her end up with the right man. The focus is her and how to help her make better choices & decisions. Not on how shocked you are to discover details of your daughter's sexual life or how devastated her mother will be on 'moral' grounds. Most probably she's in love and her sex life is as precious to her as yours with her mother is for you! Please respect that before judging your daughter's morals. if she sees you both having sex it will be equally disturbing for her. After all intimacy is for only two to understand what is between them.
Bottom line, leave out the personal and private details. Although it is a bit too late, educate her on safe dating and identifying a good man. On avoiding digital recordings not only with a bf but even a husband. Why not just make love? why take pics or videos. Tell her it is very questionable why a partner is asking for digital stuff, even her own husband. Trusting does not mean you should be naive. After all a good man would be concerned if the data unintentionally gets stolen with the phone or cached in folders.
This kind of friendly talk with your child often should suffice in solving most unwanted consequences that today's kids face in a half baked, two sided, peer pressurized and totally unorganized society. What's the difference between unorganized monetary establishments and organized banks? that's the difference between Indian dating world and the western one. There are no provisions too. If anything happens as you fear, Indian men will skip her like just another 'rejectionable' proposal in an arranged setting and dating setting is worse, some may try to take further advantage of her. Where as in the west, there will be men who would understand your past, the crazy ex who uploaded shit, sympathize and still love you. Very rarely it will happen that way here.
Sorry for the long advice. Please do go through it fully and consider my suggestions. if you deal it carefully and sensitively without focusing on sexual details but helping her out of the relationship if it's not a desirable guy. And eventually aid her in developing a healthier attitude/behavior towards men, dating or marriage. Mainly realizing her self worth and learning to trust people lesser than she is right now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2017): Just trying to think how on earth you would come across this knowledge? Followed by thoughts of your moral comment... frankly, it's not your business. I can however understand if you are worried that these days there's reports of such photos falling into the wrong hands and expressing your worry of this as a parent would. Then leave it. She's not a kid anymore - disappointment? None of your business to judge
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 March 2017):
 I am with YouWish . Your daughter is 22 - she may be conducting her sexual life in a way that you do not like or do not approve of, but it's HER life , and whatever she does it's a private , personal area where nobody should have the cheek to interfere , as long as she does not break any law, does not pressure or force anybody ( and of course is not pressured or forced by anybody ) to perform certain acts , and stays away from underage partners.
I am sure you are familiar with the expression " consenting adults " and IMO that does not leave much room, or need, for a father to comment on an adult daughter's sex life.
How would you like if your daughter approached you to scold you : " You know dad, I have found out that you do X and Y to mom, I am very disappointed in you , ... this is not something that you should do at your age , or that you should do with the mother of your children ! ". I am sure that your immediate , and reasonable reaction would be " Excuse me !?.. Why don't you mind your own damn business ? "
So you feel that what she did is morally incorrect. And ?... Obviously she does not feel the same. At least, not to the point of stopping herself from sending those pics. I guess that HER morals do not tell her that what she did is shocking and devastating, as instead your morals tell you. The fact that she is your daughter neither obliges nor automatically inclines to share your sexual moral- she's got her own, and she has not asked to discuss it with you nor invited your comments.
You sort of have a point, though, insofar those pics some times end up circulating . Here too, my first response would be to say that , again, she is old enough to own her actions, and decide either that in her case sending pics is totally risk-free , or that the pleasure his worth the risk anyway- and if turns out she is wrong- good : precious life lesson, she will learn a lot from her mistakes..... but I understand that as her dad, you are anxious and you'd want to protect her always from any bad surprise. So, if you stumbled in her pics innocently and accidentally (... which I find a bit hard to believe, what were you even doing with your daughter's phone,? don't you have and use your own ? ), maybe you can approach the issue saying that sorry, you stumbled by accident on certain private stuff and oh by the way , daughter, please be always safe , prudent and wise even when you play, some time "innocent " games take a very unpleasant and unforeseen turn . But ..I suggest you leave it at that, saying anything more IMO would be overbearing, invasive and ,well, a bit creepy.
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A
female
reader, malvern  +, writes (7 March 2017):
 Tell her you know what she's done. Don't lose your temper with her but just point out to her the possible dangers of what she's done. Take the 'Well you've really let me down, I'm very disappointed' approach. When I was young my father used to take this approach and it made me feel awful ! I really felt that I'd let him down but it worked, it made me think twice before doing anything else silly in the future.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (7 March 2017):
 I think I need to break with my esteemed fellow aunts here on this one.
Your daughter's 22 years old. While you'll always be her father, and she'll always be your daughter, she's not a kid, nor is she a teenager. She's an adult now, and as foolish as sending pics over the internet is, it is really none of your business what two consenting adults do, no matter if she's your daughter or not.
I don't want to ask you how you came across this information, but invading the privacy of a 22-year old daughter is a really inappropriate violation of her trust in you. If you were snooping on her, that's really not cool, Dad. If you came across this accidentally, that's another matter. However, respecting her privacy still stands, and that means that while you may be unhappy with what she did, she broke no laws and committed no crimes.
In that same vein, while you disagree with your daughter's moral choice, and while I agree with you that sending nude pics at any age is a really stupid thing to do because of the permanence of the internet, it has nothing to do with you OR your wife. What happens after your wife is "devastated"?? The real damage is your relationship with your daughter irrevocably destroyed by this event when in reality, she's DONE NOTHING WRONG apart from doing something you disagree with.
SHE IS 22 YEARS OLD. She's not a teenager. She's not a child. She's not underage. She's over 21, well over the age of consent, and you're no longer her legal guardian since she has reached the point where she is her own guardian.
As for what you should do next, well, that depends on how you came about this information. If you were intentionally looking through her stuff and dug around to find this, then you have committed just as much of an act of moral bankruptcy as she has, because you invaded her privacy and broke her trust in you. That's like picking up someone's diary, breaking the lock, and reading it.
If you came across this by accident (i.e. she left the page up or you saw a text flash from him about liking the nude she sent him) then here's what you do:
1. You let the shock you're feeling dissipate, because that's not about her, it's about YOU.
2. You tell her about the accidental nature of how you came across this information, and tell her calmly of the reasons why it's not a good idea...
and
3. Let her be an adult and either listen and heed your wisdom, or not listen and let life deal out the consequence, as we have to face them as ADULTS. If she doesn't listen to your wisdom, and this guy turns out to be the vindictive sort, then she'll learn the hard way the lesson you're trying to teach her without that pain.
I'm a mom too. We only get so many years as the raiser of our kids, and after a certain point, we must trust that our training of them is quality, but in the end, they have free choice and free will.
If my son were sending genitalia pics as an underager, I'd take his phone and smash it. If he did it as an adult TO another adult, and I saw it accidentally, I'd tell him what I saw, how I saw it, and tell him how I felt about it. Then I'd hope that the embarrassment of his mother seeing his genitalia pic would be enough to scare the crap out of him. Otherwise, as an adult, it's his prerogative, gross as it would be to me. You forget - not too long ago, masturbation was this big issue of shame, enough to make spiked belts to try to curb it (OMG our ancestors!). But now we know that what adults do in privacy is between them and no one else.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 March 2017):
 Tell her you found out and are disappointed. Warn her about the dangers of sending such pictures.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (7 March 2017):
 I don't think nude photos usually get circulated. It's only in rare cases when there's a break up and there's a vindictive ex, or girls got involved with players only interested in collecting girls as a game. Or some creep who wants to post free porn online. When that happens, it gets exaggerated as if everyone is doing it, no. As far as morals go, this is relative.
You address this by putting your emotions, your possessiveness of your daughter aside, and get to know her boyfriend. If you raise your voice and start reprimanding her, that would only stimulate her defenses to rebel and run to her boyfriend more. That's the opposite direction she would go, which you don't want. Even if you have a strong belief that sex should happen after marriage, you can't really stop her because this is her choice to make.
As to how to start this conversation, I agree, it would be hard. How can you tell her that you looked at her phone? Instead you can start by being interesting in her life, then gradually the topic about relationships. Give her the comfort that she can tell you everything without judgment.
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (7 March 2017):
Firstly, how did you find out that she had done this? Were you snooping on your adult daughter's personal computer or phone? Or did you stumble across it accidentally?
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