A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, this might sound trivial but it is really upsetting me lately. My niece is 17 and throughout her teenage years she has been a typical sulky teen. However since her 17th birthday she has been downright rude to me. She lives in another country so I sent her birthday gifts (which she asked for ) with my parents when they visited for the summer. I also deposited money into her bank account. I did not get any kind of acknowledgement from her. I send her a monthly message by email or Facebook and she ignores them. Last week my computer wasn't working properly when I emailed her so I wasn't sure if she received it or not. I enquired with her and she replied via my Facebook page saying that she had better things to do than collect emails or PMs from me and she might get round to it or not. She then asked me to stop bothering her. I was shocked. Is one email or pm a month too much from an aunt? I didn't know that I was upsetting her or I never would have contacted her. She is not in school so I'm not keeping her away from important studies. I'm not sure how to handle this issue from here. She is my niece so I can't ignore her. Any advice would be appreciated.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (6 October 2014):
 OF COURSE you can ignore her.
My aunt got mad at me when her mother died and left me some jewelery not her. My aunt has not spoken to me since and I respect that.
I would not send gifts or reach out to her. Perhaps when she matures she will see the error of her ways.
Is your sibling (her parent) aware that their 17 yr old is so rude?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2014): I'm 17 years old and I wish that I had an aunt like you. The truth is, you're basically trying to reach out to someone who does not reciprocate. Clearly she feels pestered by your messaging. This is all one sided. I suggest cutting contact, stop sending gifts and letting her get on with her life. Sometimes being a good person just doesn't pay, look at your scenario for example. She's being rude and behaving childishly. She is absolutely non-deserving of everything that you are giving her.
I hope this helps. :-)
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 October 2014):
 Yes, she is your 17 year old niece, you CAN ignore her, because that's the way she likes it at her age and stage. You can be there for her , if she needs advice or to confide you something she is not comfortable sharing with other adults, or wants to share some particular success of hers , ... and leave her alone the rest of the time.
Mind you, your niece IS rude , and , sorry but her parents should have taught her better. A gift must always get a thank you back , that's the basics.
As for your attempt to tie her down to a monthly update or exchange of correspondence,though... yes, a monthly message from an aunt ( who lives abroad ) may definitely be too much and feel like an imposition,or a pesky obligation, if you two were not particularly close. As if you are tryng to get out of her a monthly report about her life and doings, report which she never accepted or volunteereed to give you. I don't think many teenagers , sulky or not, would be into that, and her silence was rude , yes, but at the same time was her obvious attempt of discouraging you diplomatically ( without telling you in your face ) from keeping up a correspondence she is obviously not interested in. Indifference did not work - so eventually things escalated and erupted. Which is lamentable, after all you are always the adult and she should have found a nicer way to speak her mind to you than just " buzz off " - but also , please understand that ,outside of official / business relationships, any of us is free to choose who we want to be close to , and keep posted or not. Including family members.
Of course it all depends , if you are the kind of close-knit family whose members see each other all the time and whose kids grew up together , and have strong mutual bonds etc.etc.- then it's normal that they want to feel togetherness always, even when they happen to be physically distant.
But , that you want to give / recive a monthly bulletin to / from a niece who lives abroad and you aren't very intimate with - just because you are related.... I don't know too many teens ( or even adults , as for that ) who would be cool with that.
I hope it's still clear that I do not condone rudeness and disrespect, and even less from a teen to her elders. But it's the form which I find all wrong, not the concept behind it. Even at 17, she should be free to choose whom she wants to talk to and how often. If for any reason of hers ( even misguided , in your opinion ) she does not feel like exchanging messages with you - as she had clearly signaled in the past- I think you should respect her wish , without hard feelings.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (5 October 2014):
 I agree. No more gifts, emails or birthday cards or messages.
If and when she misses you, she can reach out to you.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (5 October 2014):
What an ungrateful girl. I have regular contact with my aunts, uncles and cousins and would be absolutely gutted if I lost contact with them.
If that’s what she wants, then apart from cards, leave her be: no gifts, no money, no nothing. Perhaps then she’ll realise how lucky she is to have an aunt who cares this much for her and come to her senses, and have the decency to apologise. A message a month is hardly a lot to acknowledge is it, yet she claims to have better things to do? If that’s so, I would suggest that so do you.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 October 2014):
 No more presents, money or messages to her. I would still send a paper birthday card, because.... well, no need to be rude like she is. But everything else that comes with Birthdays and Christmas.. NOPE - she would get a card and no more.
I think it's COMMON COURTESY to send a card to a family member and there is no need to lose your manners JUSt because she don't have any. HOWEVER no one is entitled to money, gift and monthly messages.
When I was 18 I lived abroad. My uncle and grandfather would send me funny drawings and pictures (this was back in the snail-mail age) and I would send postcards from various museums to them. My walls were full of their drawings, it made me happy to have that connection to home. Now some months I would send 3-4 cards home, others maybe one. But I certainly didn't IGNORE them and what they did for me. I called my parents ONCE a week, because that was the agreement.
YOUR niece is an ungrateful bugger. I hope she will grow up, in the mean time save your money for people who actually APPRECIATE the presents and little things you do for them. And don't let this bug you. This isn't about you, it's about her not realizing that in order to GET you have to GIVE. She is of the "instant gratification generation" - they seem to think that because they exist they deserve EVERYTHING to be handed to them.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (4 October 2014):
 She is not a little child, her behavior is unacceptable, you can ignore her until she grows up .... so send no more emails, messages, birthday cards and certainly no more gifts.
When you next interact with her be friendly, open, greet her, ask her how she is, but if you get nothing back from her don't let it get to you. She still needs to grow up!
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