A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:i feel very embarrased about having to ask for some advice on here regarding my 16 year old son. whenever he doesnt get his own way or he is in a bad mood he is becoming very verbally abusive with me, by calling me names such as dickhead and slut etc... i dont know what to do, i bring him up on my own and his dad was just like this and he is reminding me of him. i have tried to make him as happy as possible and try my best to get him whatever he needs. he is not hard done to at all, i have just paid for a car crash course ready for his 17th and i am also giving him a car. i dont want to break my promise to him that i will put him on the road for his 17th birthday but i dont know how to deal with his behaviour. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, DIE-romantic. +, writes (23 July 2007):
 Well, i dont know what advise i can give on this one, although im not like that with my mother, so i dont know and cant try and tell you where hes coming from, but as an outsider, my opinion is that his father has passed his behaviour onto him, and most teenagers are like it at this certain age, i wouldnt give into his selfish demands though, and for the verbal abuse well, its something that cant be controlled by a parent, because they turn a blind eye to everything they say and come out with more abuse, so i agree with eyeswideopen and try and get somebody professional to talk to him? They might calm him down and make him realise its completely disrespectful and wrong to talk to you like that.
Good luck & i hope it turns out okay.
xxxx
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (17 July 2007):
 I sympathise with you, as I have had quite a few trials and tribulations with my youngest daughter 15. She is also very much like her dad, who I am no longer with and there are times when she gets verbally abusive and stroppy and makes unreasonable demands. The way I deal with it is in three steps.
If she is normal and calm and exhibits good behaviour, I spend time with her, let her have priviledges, let her have her friends round, praise her and tell her how great I think she is, I ask her how she is, if she has any problems she needs to discuss or if she has made any plans.
If she is testy and trying to push things to get her own way, being unreasonable or lazy or skipping on schoolwork, I stay calm, request to speak to her without the distraction of TV or music and I tell her in no uncertain terms that I will absolutely not accept her demands. I point out ways in which we can compromise and ask her how she thinks we can resolve any issues. I put the ball in her court as often as I can because I think teenagers need to learn how to problem solve. Its not acceptable for them to just scream the place down til they get their own way and your son needs to know this.Empowering your son to make reasonable decisions about his life will help him become more reasonable and responsible for his behaviour.
If my daughter is being verbally of physically abusive. I tell her once that I don't have to take it from her and I then walk away, I go to my room or in the kitchen or garden and I shut the door on her. If she walks out, thats up to her (she has always come back). She gets no money or time or attention from me, its not a atmosphere where she can negotiate with me...so she gets nothing. If she uses foul language, I ignore it, she already knows its wrong and she is just looking for a reaction. If she tries to play me against her father, I ignore it. Its all a ploy to get her own way.
Never shout back or react with physical abuse, because it doesn't teach your child respect. He needs to know that you, his mother, deal with things calmly and clearly, that you won't accept his bad behaviour and that it is totally against your rules to negotiate when he is creating mayhem. He needs to know you are doing your best for him.
When times are good, use them to really get to the heart of your boy and try to find out how he feels, boys need to talk too. Don't threaten to take those driving lessons away from him, simply dont let him have them if his behaviour is bad. He is old enough to figure out the reason why himself.
As he gets older, if your consitent and reiterate your love for him without letting him be a tyrant, he will respect you for it and hopefully harmony will prevail.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, LauraE +, writes (17 July 2007):
Hi there,
If there was an easy answer to this, you wouldn’t be asking as you know. As you also know, it’s mostly a matter of time until he grows out of this hormone-charged irrational behaviour. In the mean time, the only thing you can do is remain calm and don’t give in to his aggressive behaviour, whilst taking every opportunity to be friendly with him when his behaviour allows you to. Easy for me to say, sitting here. When he does it again, tell him that this language is not acceptable and that you WILL be treated with respect in your own home. If he doesn’t improve, you are quite within your rights to tell him that his driving course and car are a gift not a right, and they can be withdrawn. Tell him that this is entirely in his hands. If he treats you well, you treat him well. This is not a one-way street. Look at it this way – if someone made you a promise, you wouldn’t think that gave you freedom to behave like a complete cow, and still demand what had been promised at the end of it would you? If he carries on treating you badly, and you still give him the car – what has he learnt about how others should be treated? He will have learnt that he can treat people with no respect, and there will be no come-back for it. There will be come-back in the big wide world, so he needs to start learning that now. Best of luck with him, and remember that he will get better eventually.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (17 July 2007):
 Sounds like the spoiled brat learned his lovely behavior from his father. Since you've lost your footing here I think you will need to call in a professional to give him the counseling he needs. Without counseling he will continue to behave this way towards you as well as towards the other females who enter his world. He has some very serious issues that need to be addressed and that would be the best thing you could do for him as his parent.
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A
female
reader, jaxwardle86 +, writes (17 July 2007):
 My brother was verbally abusive towards my Mum at this age and was so for another 2 years until he moved out. My mum sent him to hospitals for test's and they said he had ADHD and to give him ritalin none of this helped. My mum let him get away with absolute murder. He grew up knowing no boundaries and eventually turned to drink and drugs. he's now 23 and although has calmed down still swears in a normal conversation and is still doing drink and drugs. You need to sit down with your son and tell him his behavior is not only unreasonable but also unbearable and if it continues you will have no choice but to kick him out and he will have to pay his own way to getting his car and driving. I know this seems harsh but it's for his own good. I hope this may help Jax xxxxx
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