A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Morally confused about Lesbianism. Dont know what to do???I am 25 and married, been w/ my husband for 9 years,since I was 16.He was my 1st boyfriend.I have felt sort of attracted 2 other girls since middle school, but I always just convinced myself it was just jealousy, like: "wow,she has nice boobs."meant that I prob just wished my boobs looked like hers?As I got older, though, the feelings didn't go away.a couple of years ago my boyfriend and I had broken up for a couple of weeks, and I tried to entertain these feelings I had for a good friend of mine. I thought I was in love with this girl!I came on to her one night and after alot of kissing and groping,she told me we could go all the way, IF her boyfriend could join.so we did,all 3 of us, and I hated it! I was uncomfortable and not into her at all. I rushed out of there and never spoke to them again. I thought, this proves it,I AM NOT GAY AFTER ALL.My bf and I made up and got married.I love him but not attracted to him,I dont think I ever was.It was more that in highschool,he was a football player and I was a cheerleader, and so we were supposed to date,end of story. ive never enjoyed sex, and always thought:"you dont enjoy it bc you're not trying hard enough! Get in to it, and it will be better."Anyway, I work at a hospital, and this new paramedic started working there a couple of months ago.She looks like the stereotypical lesbian, short hair,t-shirts and sports bra,etc. but she is very pretty,great body,beautiful smile.When I met her,I thought: I have got to keep away from this woman! Bc the moment I saw her,I had butterflies!I did my best to never make eye contact,but would watch her from a distance.I fantasized about having sex with her for weeks, and I felt more excitement than in my whole 9 year relationship w/ my husband. I think one day she caught me watching her, bc she came right up to me with a big smile,and asked me if I was enjoying myself..?I thought,how could she know?I was so embarrassed that I faked a headache and went home early.The next day,she apologized, said she was only joking, and asked if she could buy me a cup of coffee,to make up for it. Next thing I know, we are going on coffee breaks every day, and that lead to drinks after work.One day,after too many drinks,I kissed her.I dont know why,it just sort of happened.We live in a small town and ppl were watching, and I thought:OMG, what is wrong with me?! I bolted for the parking lot,she followed, and next thing I know we are all over each other in the car.We made love right there in the parking lot, and for the 1st time in my life,I enjoyed sex.I know that this is lust, but I am infatuated w/ everything about this woman: Her smell, her laugh, her personality,everything. I havent spoken 2 her since that night, bc I know I wont be able to control myself if Im near her.I feel awful,I know I betrayed my husbands trust,as well as hers,she doesent even know that Im married. I know what I did is wrong, and being gay, according to my faith is also wrong.the christian thing to do would be to beg my husband for forgiveness,but part of me wants to leave him. What should I do?
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female
reader, Princess_Rae  +, writes (6 October 2010):
 Anonymous,
I am sorry for both the long wait and reply, I had to get my, metaphorical, ducks in a row, "quack quack"; I also had to be certain that my brain was fit to be picked at. Although after the quacking I am not so sure anymore, mhmm : ).
First off, I do hope that my whole message did not carry an offended tone, as it was solely my intention to tell you I was outside my personal comfort zone. Even on other agony sites, I tend to avoid these questions as I really prefer not being condemned, its just a personal preference of mine. I also wish to tell you that this is also even harder as a person without any faith, having never grown up believing anything remotely close to what you speak of and does scare me a bit that my advise will not make sense to you. However, do not despair, I happen to have a lapsed Catholic girlfriend who explained some of what you are going through to me so that I might understand the deeper conflict you are going through.
Speaking to your first question, you probably will not like the answer if you are looking for an "out" so to speak, though it may address your concern about coming out then not being gay. Yes, I have know a gay women who ended up married to a man, and is quite happy with him. The only thing is, that he accepts her cheating on him with other women. I really do not recommend this as it takes a lot of openness and honesty, both with yourself and your partner, to make an open marriage work. Other than that, it is rare in my experience that some one is a closeted lesbian, comes out, then becomes straight. It would be funny to find that there might be a "straight closet" among lesbians and gay men. I highly doubt that you will be straight again if you are sure that your heart is set on women; it will always be set on women. But I will tell you this, just because you are a lesbian doesn't mean that you will like every woman that comes your way. I personally prefer long haired brunettes who are shorter than me, but I am picky that way. Hopefully, if she isn't mad at you for your major run and hide act with no phone call, the EMT could be a good start for you as an open lesbian.
As for having felt shame, there was a time when I was shameful for feeling the way I do, yet to be honest with you that was well over a decade ago when I was 15. I was just getting used to the idea that girls were cuter then guys and certainly did more to me in my fantasies, when I heard older girls talking in the loo about a gay friend of theirs, and I remember what they said, who "was a proper slut for snoging on girls, and should rightfully be ashamed of herself for such deviant behaviors ". Needless to say such comments scared me into thinking what I felt was wrong, and made me shameful of my dreams. It wasn't till I met the girl later that year, who ended up being a really good friend of mine and not even a girlfriend, that I began to believe they were wrong, for saying mean things about their friend. I finally overcame the last bit of shame when officially came-out to my parents. By then I was less ashamed of the feeling and more so that I was not living honestly with myself and others, which was a nasty habit of my fathers that I still hate to this day. It is part of the reason I always advise honesty, although in your case at this time the truth will do no one any good. Though it will still be a good idea to address this once you have come to terms with everything.
As for accepting it, I will speak to me first. It is easy to accept that you are a lesbian with very little preconception of it being wrong, and what little preconceptions were easily dispelled. I am not so sure it will be all that easy in your case. I will tell you this, if you decide you want to be in relationships with women you definitely need to be open and out as either lesbian or bi. This is the one thing our belief system strongly revolves around, and to be apart of the community it does mean accepting that.
As for coming to terms with your sexuality and faith, my girlfriend told me that once you want to follow your heart it is easier to act then to hide. She said your sex in the parking lot was a prime example of just how ready you actually are to accepting this part of you, and that your current doubts are your way of denying that you are ready. Even reaching out for others opinions is enough to prove to her that you are more then ready, and only need a pep talk from the crowd. I am inclined to believe her...
Lastly I will say this, despite the honesty line I preached earlier, I am inclined to agree that you need not tell your husband about cheating and threesome and especially that you have not been as sexually fulfilled by your relationship with him. You do need to talk to the EMT soon, wether or not you have made up your mind on these matters, she deserves at least an understanding that you enjoyed the encounter and possibly and understanding of your confusion. I am very she she would be understanding if you wanted to take things slower.
I can only hope you are able to face this directly, head held high, and full aware of the life choice you make. Feel free to message me or provide another followup if you have anymore questions or want to pick my brain again.
With Love,
Princess Rae
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Princess Rae:I want to start off by saying I am sorry if I have offended you, that was never my intention. I actually admire you for your openness and honesty, I feel like I have not been honest with myself in a long time. I appreciate you did not bash my beliefs. I have thought alot about this, and since I do not know any openly-gay women, I wanted to pick your brain alittle. In your experience,have u ever met a woman who thought she was gay,enjoyed sex with another woman, but turned out that she wasnt? In Christianity,they teach that homosexual urges are the Devils way of turning you against God;that the heart is a powerful force and Satan uses your own heart to make you stray. I dont think that I believe this,I have questioned it a million times because they say in order to save yourself from these feelings, you are supposed to acknowledge that they are Satan's thoughts, not your own, and cast the urges out of your heart...I have tried this so many times throughout my life, and only end up feeling like I have failed because they always come back. I want to believe that what I feel is real, and not shameful, and I have considered embracing my feelings instead of ignoring them, but my biggest fear is that I will turn against my faith, family, friends, and church and then find out that I am not gay. Idk how to face this, but if anyone ever found out about my feelings, this woman from work, or even the threesome from my past,they would never forgive me. I would lose everyone I know. I feel like it would be worth the sacrifice if I am able to find happiness and not feel so ashamed. If I am truly a lesbian, how do I accept it? Did u ever feel ashamed, and if so, how did u overcome it??
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (5 October 2010):
 Even though I have nothing against religious views, I feel I should offer you my perspective, just so you could readjust your moral views. I have seen enough people get hurt because of religion, what a book written by man says but, what would any man ever truly know of what a god sees as just and fair? But for a moment, take from your views that god is like every other force on earth, unbiased and benevolent and also, unlike other forces, sentient.
To love another with your heart and soul is benevolent. You can still be a good christian without allowing yourself to succumb to torment because of one man's wrong words in the bible. I might think differently had the bible been written by god itself or perhaps Jesus Christ but no one knows. The fact of the matter is, the bible was supposed to spread peace and yet, the writer did allow for his own personal views to force his hand. I believe that God would smile upon you as long as you have love nestled in the cradle of your heart. Do you not agree? God is all-loving and all forgiving, so why would God damn those who choose to love someone of the same gender? As long as love is pure, it does not matter who it is given to, love is a benevolent force in and of itself. Christianity stems from Christ himself, Christians were supposed to spread Jesus's words were they not? Christ loved all and spread the word of peace to all, every single person who sought peace, regardless of their colour or their partner.
“Love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence. Love others as well as you love yourself.” - Jesus Christ. You are free to love.
I also think you should be honest with everyone around you and tell your husband that you just cannot love him wholly anymore. That is fair to all. I also think you should tell this woman that it was wrong for you to have kissed her and had sex with her because you are married. But, tell her that you now know what you want, and you have already told your husband about it. That you want her more than you have ever wanted your husband. Just be honest with her.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, heart-shaped-balloon +, writes (5 October 2010):
 End it now. Your husband needs to be able to find a girl who is actually into men. :P Haha. It will hurt him less if you do it quickly and don't drag it out.
And I don't believe homosexuality is a true sin for many reasons, PM if interested, as I am a christian who has studied the bible in depth from cover to cover. God loves everyone equally. Jesus even accepts prostitutes and thieves and such into his company. Jesus even states that there is only one rule in Christianity- belief. As long as you believe in his existence, you will be saved is what he claims. Besides, no human being in the world is sinless. You are sinning by lying to your husband and yourself about your sexuality, and to God all sins are considered equal.. So if you consider this a sin, then it's no worse than what you are doing now. (Sorry for the religiousness stuff here, everyone who isn't religious.)
Don't be afraid of this, embrace it. You will never be happy if you don't. Life is too short to be miserable trying to be something you aren't.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2010): I agree with Princess Rae, You are in need of some perspective.1. I wouldn't count the threesome you had as a true test of your sexuality. It sounds more like the couple used you to fulfill their own fantasy, and you were there for their enjoyment, not your own. Also, just because you don't enjoy having sex with every woman, does not mean you are not a lesbian. Heterosexuals don't necessarily enjoy sex with every partner, but they are still indeed straight.2. If you felt this way before you were married, why did you agree to marriage in the first place? You should have taken the time to sort through your feelings first.3. If you are indeed a lesbian, no amount of hetero sex is going to change that. By Saying you're not "trying hard enough" to enjoy yourself is like you are blaming yourself for something that is completely out of your hands. You're not into it, trying harder will not change that fact.4. Please consider this other woman's feelings in all of this: All she knows is that after spending alot of time hanging out with you and getting to know you, you two share a great time being intimate and then you just drop from the face of the earth. She deserves an explanation, and she needs to know the truth. Tell her that you are married, explain to her what a temptation she is to you, hopefully she will understand.5. If I were in your shoes, I would consider the fact that you are doing a huge injustice to your husband by not giving him your heart 100%. You took vows and even before you cheated on him, you broke your vows by not loving him with all you have. He deserves a woman that loves him unconditionally, and you deserve to be so in love that you are willing to give your heart away. Sex is an important part of a relationship. That being said, I would sit down with your husband and explain to him that you think you are attracted exclusively to women, and that the marriage is not working. For his sake, do not tell him that he has never sexually satisfied you, this will almost certainly shatter his ego. Also, unless you think he will find out, do not tell him that you cheated on him, there is no need to hurt him anymore than he already will be. But for your own sake, and his, you should end it, for sure.6. Based on how you describe this other woman, I would say this is more than just lust between you too. If she agrees to see you again, I would make it clear to her that you are not leaving your husband for her, you are leaving him for your own well being, and why you are curious where things between you too might lead, you do not expect her to marry you or anything. Even if you don't agree 100% with this, its important that you tell it to her, Imagine the pressure you would put on her by saying that you left your husband for her. She would feel like she is obligated to make the relationship work, because you sacrificed so much to make it happen.
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A
female
reader, chey1990  +, writes (4 October 2010):
well i think you should think about ending it... these things will ruin your life if you forget about it... it sounds like your in love.... just go with it... your not happy... you only have one life.. do what YOU want to do... follow your heart...be with this lovley lady.. it might blossom...it might not... but either way you will have made the right decision... just the fact that your not sexualy attracted to your husband after 9 years is enough... live your life and be happy!!!!
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A
female
reader, Princess_Rae +, writes (4 October 2010):
Anonymous,
I normally would not respond to those who believe my life choice is morally wrong, but I can tell that you are in need of perspective. I will not try to convince you that your belief system is wrong, just as I would hope you would let me have mine. That said, I am a lesbian, and understand those feelings.
To me it seems that if you enjoy sex with this women, as compared to your husband, then you are probably a lesbian. It is my opinion that if you are more happy with her, which it seems it is, then you should follow your heart.
However your heart is also bound by your thoughts on the morality. I personally think God loves everyone, regardless of their personal choices, or else what would be the point. I always encourage an open and honest talk with your husband, but until you sort these feelings out for yourself it will probably do no good and only make you more confused.
I also implore you to think of the feeling of the woman you slept with that night in the parking lot, it is unfair for her to feel abandoned after your "one night stand". It is surprising to me when women fall into the same tactics as men when it comes to sex, basically total emotional shut down. You need to speak to her and tell her of your conflicts, both in that you are married, and that of your faith. Hopefully she will understand, but should she be a lesbian she might not understand your moral qualms.
Should you sort your feelings out and realize that you might be happier with this women, then for your emotional sake get out of your marriage. If you have no children, a failed marriage is a small price to pay for happiness. If you do then you need to consider if you can be a good mother and be happy, while not sacrificing either.
Should you decide you are not a lesbian, which is also acceptable, you need to come clean to your husband and to the woman. For your husband, he needs to know you will not cheat again and that you really do love him. For the woman, she needs to know that you are not interested that way and that you would prefer to remain friends, or even not in communication at all.
I seriously believe that if you are attracted to this woman enough that you fear your behavior around her you seriously see more to her then sex, yes that is what you enjoy but this woman is the one you connect with the most.
It is up to you and your god to come to peace on the issue of wether or not it is right. I certainly hope that whatever you chose you will be happy with your decision and your sex life.
With Love,
Princess_Rae
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2010): It is very obvious from your post that you are in fact, lesbain, and not just jealous of these girls. I am a female who can admire the female body for its aesthetic beauty and feel a giant dose of jealousy at the same time. But it would feel repulsive to me to have sexual relations with a female. You on the other hand, have done it twice, and enjoyed it the second time. So you're in all likelihood lesbian. If you are sure that this is the case, the only honest thing to do is to tell your boyfriend and leave your separate ways as soon as possible. It's not fair to you or to him to continue with your husband, when you are instead meant to be with a female, and he is meant to be with a heterosexual woman.
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