A
male
age
,
*yonsdown
writes:My girlfriend and I are having issues over finance.The circumstances are as follows:I run my own business, which has suffered a lot in the recession.I still make a profit, but not vast amounts.I probably earn just above the national average wage.My girlfriend is divorced, but isn't getting the maintenance payments she was promised form her ex.He's only paying half- not much she can do about this (trust me, she's looked into it)).She works 3 days a week, earning £180 a week.She has 2 children living with her.One works 9and makes a small fiancial contribution), the other is at college, and at 19 has never worked even one day a week to help the finances. When I was that age at college I worked vacations and at least one day a week.I pay for all her holidays,buy her lots of clothes, and pay for all costs outside the house. eg. going to restaurants, and outings.I have my own place, which I will not rent out as I've had nightmares with tenants in the past, and I need a place to call my own.It's true I live with her most of the week.She wants me to pay for the food I eat, and even to pay toward heating and electric on the 2-3 days a week I might be working from home (at her house) whilst she's working.I feel I pay my way, and am not taking advantage. She wouldn't like it if I said I'd pay an amount toward food/fuel, but asked her to put her hand in her pocket to help pay for holidays and going to restaurants.Should I pay toward food/fuel, or do you think I already contribute enough? Remember I also have to pay for fuel and local taxes for my house, even though I'm hardly there (and the fuel costs are high as you have to have heating ticking over so pipes don't burst), and need to keep a light on for a period to make it look like it's occupied.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (7 March 2013):
 holidays, eating out and new clothes are extras
food
heat
water
internet
all things needed for work and day to day living
my food bill more than doubled when my husband moved in with me. my electricity went up too...
as for the kids contributing to the household.
I'm rather old school and kids who live at home and go to school do not have to pay rent or room and board... they are my responsibility as long as they live at home and are in school.
get a timer for your lights at your other place so they cycle on and off... not on all the time
shut the water off then the pipes won't burst and you can shut the heat off...
clothes and holidays and eating out are all extras
sit down with her
make a budget and figure out where the money is going and what can be done
maybe she can get more hours at work or a second job.
personally I'm 53 and I can't imagine not working full time... I wish I could retire or go part time.... I don't know how others do it.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (7 March 2013):
 Holidays and restaurants are luxuries, household costs and food are not. I think you should contribute towards the living expenses and food if you are at her house and maybe share the costs of holidays or eating out.
He son is her business, he is her blood and if she lets him live there rent free that's her business and her decision...you are not her child and not her blood so you should pay for what you use in her house, same as she should pay for what she uses in your house.
If you don't like the arrangement then don't live there.
Its a question of priorities and if she can't meet her bills, she needs to find a full time job like many other women who are separated or divorced.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2013): If I were in your position I'd have a sit down and gather all your finances together, every receipt for any luxury item etc and calculate how much you actually contribute to her in real money terms.
OP buying clothes was a gift, holidays they too were gifts. You didn't have to pay those so in essence you can't count them as a contribution at all. Luxury items are not a practical contribution.
I would help her out for the days you stay over OP, but I'd take that out of luxury money you plan on spending on her. Not as punishment in any way of course, just a simple adjustment, so you're able to maintain your own budget.
As for her 19 year old, I agree they should contribute too, but in fairness you can't criticize that situation when you don't contribute at all.
Contribute a fair amount of upkeep for your time spent there, adjust that to how much you can spend on gifts because frankly OP, she'll be even more appreciative of practical help over a dress she wears only a few times.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 March 2013):
 I think that what she asks is perfectly reasonable.
This woman is broke, she cannot afford to pay for your upkeep. You practically live at her place !, and all meals plus the 2 - 3 days a week of heating and electric make a far from irrelevant sum, at the end of the month,or of the year which will put a non irrelevant dent in her budget. ( Btw, you consume electric and heating , and water,at her place ALSO when you are not alone and not working, so it's not strange if you contribute toward the bills of things that you use in the place where you basically live in ).
I am not saying that you are taking advantage. But it's the same as if you'd say " What , I bought you an emerald ring , and now you want cash ". I am sure she 'd be very grate and appreciative for the emerald, as I am sure she is for anything that you are OFFERING and GIFTING her, but she can't pay bills or buy groceries at the supermarket with the emerald, or with the hotel receipt of your vacations. She needs cash. . She needs you to pay for what you consume.
Nobody is questioning your generosity, but vacations, dinners, outings , and, to some extent, clothing are all voluptuary, and voluntary , expenses- if you can comfortably afford them, you offer them, if you can't you don't, as simple as that. Whether she likes it or not.
In other words, you are having it backwards. Start with paying for what you consume, - THEN, see with what you are left, if it still enough for vacations, dinners etc., fine you can continue to offer and treat her, if it's not, too bad, these are all voices of the budget that will need to be pared down.
As for what their children contribute or not, I think that's between her and the kids, it's really none of your business. She will have her own reasons for her choices, and you are not even married, honestly I don't think it's your place to get involved into what she should have her kids do. What would you want, for her daughter to go to work, so that you can eat for free ?... You should offer pay for what you consume, period - whether the daughter is rich or poor, lazy or hardworking , it really has nothing to do with you , by the same token her , and her mother, could reasonably say " rent out your flat , it's absurd to waste heat on a empty house ", and you could reasonably object " I don't want to, and I don't have to run my financial life the way YOU think best - butt out ! ".
Btw, I am not 100% certain, but I'd swear that I have seen your same post a few months ago, I hope I am wrong, it would be sad if in all these months you had been still squabbling about money issues without reaching some sort of agreement.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (7 March 2013):
 Hi
For her own sake she needs to be looking into working 30+ hours because once the girls finish education she will need to be working more than 3 days for financial reasons.I don't see why either of her children can't work more hours, mine and many others did while at college and university.
As for her asking for money off you on top of what you already spend on her,I think its a cheek. I would take groceries, maybe go shopping with her for things you will eat whilst there.
Sit down and explain about your drop in income,your own living costs, that while you don't care about paying for dates,your holidays together,her clothes,your not her cash-point.
Her ex may not contribute as much as she hoped but that's really not your problem.They have 2 children together,who *could* contribute or at least pay for their own clothes,entertainment,phone-bills etc.
You need to talk
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2013): What she is asking is fair and reasonable. If you buy her clothes, and she hasn't asked you to, that is your choice. Stop buying her clothes and contribute to the expenses she has asked you to contribute to, otherwise, in effect, you are deciding how to spend her money.If you go on holidays, from now on, share the costs. When you go out for dinners, share the costs.If she was NOT with you, she would not be paying for your food or paying for the extra heating, so,yes, you should cover what you are COSTING her.The cost of weekly food and heating adds up so fast, it would most likely be more than the cost of a holiday (depending where you go and how often of course).You could say to your gf, that you are happy to contribute to the costs, but with the way finances are at the moment, you'd like her to share in the costs of holidays. And don't buy her clothes, unless you are happy to give her that as a GIFT.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (7 March 2013):
Hi there. It would surely seem fair for your girlfriend to contribute some money towards her holidays.
Well realistically, if she is going on holidays without you, she should be paying the total amount - or else, she just doesn't go on holidays.
When you say "paying for all her holidays" are you saying that she goes away on holidays - without you?
Because, you didn't say "Our" holidays, so I am wondering.
The money for her clothes, should also be her responsibility - NOT yours.
If she needs to buy herself some new clothes, well then she just needs to save up for them like everyone else does, surely.
Paying for her clothes, isn't up to you at all.
Going to restaurants and outings together, is okay for you to pay for, because it's like a date, isn't it?
I guess contributing to the weekly food bill is fair.
You are really only there you said, about 3 nights a week, so this might be something you need to sit down and discuss in more details, so you can both reach some agreement on.
I think really, you DO both need to have a heart to heart talk about what things bother you the most, and taking everything into consideration - that you have your own house to run as well and pay bills for - well then all the more reason to work something out, so it is a win win for all concerned.
It would also help considerably, if her daughter who is in college, could be encouraged to find at least some part time casual work, so she helps her mother financially as well.
Every little bit counts.
The sooner you have this chat with your girlfriend, the better.
Please, don't delay it for even one more day.
It is really important.
Issues with money in relationships, can cause many difficulties and not to mention, eventually many many arguments, and can very often lead to relationship breakdowns, if nothing is done about it.
So all the more reason to do it as soon as possible.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2013): I think she might be taking advantage a little bit here and she sounds like she's living in the past when women expected to be taken care of. I think in our age of reduced pensions to look forward to, higher living costs, the recession ect single women should be looking to earn more by at least working full time to pay for things, especially as she doesnt have young children at home. I am a divorced woman with 3 grown up children and the harsh reality is that we have to work full time, unless we are lucky enough to not need to.We need to take care of our own financial situations, even if we find a lovely man to take care of us, we have to be independent because you never know what lies in wait around the corner!You pay for her to have holidays which is great and other things like meals out. If she was working 5 plus days per week and was struggling, i would think differently, but unless you decide to get together properly, I think you do enough. Companionship can be priceless and she should be happy to have you, in my opinion. However, if she's feeding you half the week and you have expensive taste which is causing her to pay excessively more for her shopping, perhaps you could contribute to some of the food costs or bring a few supplies with you for a few meals? It's a gesture which might help keep the peace, after all you don't mention how often you take her out for meals or treat her, or if its one holiday a year to a cheap B and B somewhere or several expensive holidays!
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