A
female
age
36-40,
*adAsh6705
writes:Hi everyone...I am having a problem with my mom's new husband. They first met about 6 months ago on the internet and decided to get married pretty much a month after meeting which was the first thing that bothered me since my mother has already been married twice before and has been through numerous relationships that end with men using her and abusing her emotionally, controlling her and alienating her from our family. Well, there has already been problems between him and my grandmother and they no longer speak to each other and now I feel like he is pushing me out of her life as well. A little background information- I am 23 and have been living on my own for the past 4 years going to college and have just moved to the city where they live now. I had plans to move in with them at an apartment that we got together until I find a roommate and move out on my own. I just moved in a few days ago and today they wanted to have a "talk" with me about how things will be going in the house. He told me that he didn't like the idea of me living there and basically wanted to make sure that I knew this was temporary and that they were doing a big favor for me even though my mother and I signed the lease (he didn't because of money he owes to his last apt) and I am paying rent, buying my own groceries, etc. I felt so betrayed and now I feel uncomforable in my own home, I know nothing will ever change my relationship with my mother, but I can't deal with this guy's attitude. The worst thing is that my mother takes his side of course and will do anything to keep him happy. It's his way or no way, he will not compromise on anything, my boyfriend is not allowed to spend the night with me anymore and feels unwelcome at my house. I am so stressed and I don't know if I should try to work things out with him (it seems hopeless!) or just hit the road and stay as far away as possible. I am also worried about my mother because she is being alienated from my grandparents by him and I am afraid she has rushed into a marriage with a JERK!Does this make any sense at all? I feel like I have no where to go...I don't really know anyone here yet to move in with, I just know I want to get away from him!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2008): I find your message sad and it's worrying because, your Mother is almost like a needy, wayward adolescent, dating a whole host of men, divorces, tolerating abuse. This isn't normal but all too common with dependant women. And her husband is an abuser who is isolating her..an insidious little trick abusive, sociopathic people do to others. Why does she keep making such painful choices? It's like she has a lack of insight, impulse control problems, and mature forethought about who she brings into her life and nary a thought about how these men affect her family's life--the people she'll have for a lifetime. Your Mother can't seem to enjoy her life without a man in it. It's like she views the male as a prize and she attains value and definition by attaching herself to one, without clear rational thought as to what her family will be put through. Your situation is a good example of her unthinking decisons.
Anyways, Mom has her own issues. You are an adult, and I think it's time you make all efforts to get out on your own. In other words, if you can find a way...get out of there. We know that Mom will be with this loser husband and you can't change that. So I would look really look into trying to get out of that lease. Talk to the landlord or the property management agency and see what can be done. Talk to other family members like your grandmother and see if she can help. There is no reason for you to disrupt your life and allow this loser to drag you into his crap and it will get worse. You have a good life and future unfolding in front of you...you need positivity, support and love. You will NOT get it from your Mother as she's too wrapped up in 'her' happiness with this guy..who will continually be sabotaging your life by alienating you two. Try to get out and go it on your own. That way you are away from him but you can still contact your Mother. As misguided as she is about the men in her life, she still needs her daughter and you need her. Goo luck and don't make the same relationship mistakes your Mother has. Always be selective and use your personal courage and strngth when deciding who is good for your life. Look after yourself. Take care, hun
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2008): I agree with birdynumnums. Since your name is on the lease with your mom, he has no say. You sound like a very responsible and respectable daughter, your mom should be proud!
I usually say that the kids come first, no matter what age they are. My husband has children from a previous marriage, and they come first in my book. That is not fair that your stepfather is treating you this way. I hope that your mom will get wise to him and kick him to the curb.
Good luck and God bless
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (23 January 2008):
 The only way he can listen to you is to threatened to withdraw from that lease agreement and leave your mother and him and all your problems behind.This is the last resort if all else fails. Talk is useless because he is an abusive person.
If your mother is on his side, it is time for you to stride out and leave her.Since he told you it is only temporary , leave when you find an alternative place to stay.
Since you mother cannot pacify the man , then she would not be any help to you. You have no other alternative.
I am afraid , he is not the kind of man who will compromise unless he has the advantage.He can only listen by some arm twisting.
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify  +, writes (23 January 2008):
 we all love our mum but in not standing up for herself and you she is behaving in non-loving manner.
financially remove yourself from this situation and get a place with random roomates and see how that goes. get off the lease and leave.
it sounds like your mum brings these problems on herself and in that respect she is responsible for creating and engineering this situation.
Do not feel that you need to sacrifice your life to help her grow up as it wont happen and people need to learn for themselves. Your 23 and it's time you stopped picking up the pieces of this endless jigsaw that this parent child has thrown around the room time and time again.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (23 January 2008):
 If your name is on the lease, I wouldn't back down. You have every right to be there, and you MAY be held responsible for the rent even if you start living somewhere else. Even if she is being wimpy, I would be inclined to stick around to see if she'll be alright. What you described sounds like the pattern of a classic abuser. They need to control everything and part of that is separating the person from their loved ones. It's a pretty bad sign that he isn't financially responsible and sponging off the two of you. I'd not argue in front of him, but try to get her out shopping and get her talking. Don't be confrontational, be super-friendly and occasionally, slip in your REAL opinion in the nicest possible way - in order to try to open her eyes up a bit. Keep the lines of communication open. If you are paying rent and are 23, they shouldn't be objecting to your boyfriend staying over, but that's the least of your worries - why not stay over at his instead just to keep the peace? If you really are driven to leave, make sure that you get your name off that lease.
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A
male
reader, Moviefan +, writes (22 January 2008):
 Yeah this makes perfect sense. I am currently in a similer situation right now myself so i should be able to help. Well my mother has been dating a guy for 4 years. He was all fine and dandy for the first couple of years but he could be a total jerk when he was drunk or at random times with me. And would often point out im not his kid, and i shouldnt be his problem. And refuses to help me a lot.
Now after four years and 1 accidental child they are still together and constantly fighting.And well he can be abusive to my mother and well i dont get involved but ive been very close to getting invlolved because i cant stand him treating her like that. And I do not feel comfortable in my own house because he seems to be trying to push me out of the house because we both entirely dislike each other. And he has pushed my mother from some of her friends. And My other family do not like him because of what i have told them that my mother will not.
At this point i think there together becuase of the child they had together, if it wasnt for that they would of broke up a longtime ago. I am just bideing my time till i can financially sustain myself and have an apartment or house. I
I can tell you that if your mother is in love with him she is probably making herself dumb def and blind to how he actually is so she can live in a conspiracy of happiness. A false happiness that is actually damaging over time. Or she could actually not see how he is because some people will completely act diffrent around some people. And he could be manipulating her using her emotions and her insicuritie against her so she is afraid to get out anf may believe this is the best she is going to get.
All i can say is talk to her and try to get her to realize how he is and what he is doing and if she tries to blow you off or ignore you make her listen until she takes you seriously. And make her realize that she does deserve someone better and that he is damaging the bonds she has formed that were there long before he was. And she can keep on going with or without him because she isnt alone as long as she has family, but if she keeps following this path you may loose her family. And drive the fact that her family is more important then any man, and there are others who would treat her better. And dont hold anything back that he has doen to you. The more fodder you have against him the more likely this will work.
I hope you can get him out if he really is doing what you say.
Good luck!
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