A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My Mother is a total control freak and I can't get her to stop nagging me. I am 21 years old and have been on my on for just over two years but school and finances have left me in a position where I have to move back in with my parents. I pay them rent and do chores but it feels like my set-backs in life (e.g. failing out of college, never having a boyfriend let alone a husband and six screaming babies...) have given my mother free reign to harass me. We used to get along really well, but now it feels like everything, even the good things, that I do leads to her telling me that I will never amount to anything. How can I get her to understand that I am different than she is and that I don't need her constantly telling me that I am going to be an old cat lady who still flips burgers and lives with her parentsOr am I wrong in thinking this and she is just trying to make me feel better in her own sadistic way?Thanks,LonelyHearts Reply to this Question
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (23 December 2012):
God no, you're not a failure. I've always wondered about why getting married young and putting kids on the planet asap is seen as an accomplishment or even as a desirable thing. We've got too many people populating this world as it is, so if we're going to put more on there, we should at least make sure they grow up in stable, loving families who have a good (financial) base to fall back on.
Getting married and having kids carries the sense of responsibility and maturity many young people do not have, resulting in divorce, poor parenthood, broken homes and unhappy children saddled with a myriad of problems. So if you're one of those people who takes her time and actually thinks before she does things, good for you. Don't let your mom tell you any different. Be proud of yourself for having a spine.
As for how to deal with her, I'd be frank with her. My grandmother (who used to be and still is a very dominant influence on my family) was also very critical of me for the same reasons your mom is about you. She was constantly reminding me I wasn't getting any younger and that kids don't want 'old' moms (she herself was 19 when she had her first child.)
One day I got sick of it and told her that it was my life to live, my mistakes to make and that if there was nothing nice or helpful she could say to me, I'd rather she'd not speak at all. I told her that her constant negativity towards me hurt me a lot and that it actually made all her ' life suggestions' seem less and less appealing over time. She hasn't behaved like that ever since.
So tell your mom how you feel, how her words cut at you and that if she's disappointed in you, you're disappointed in her for not being a mother who supports her daughter, but who instead surrounds her daughter with constant negativity and does everything to tear her down. Some people truly don't realize how mean they are until confronted with it. Considering you used to get along, your relationship could be salvageable (as long as it's not at the cost of your happiness).
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2012): I feel as if I should clear things up. I don't have six kids, but in my sub-culture most people are married right out of high school and start having kids. Being 21 and unmarried is a social let-down. -LonelyHearts
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2012): Aunts/uncles, the OP does not have any children! She is saying her Mum is annoyed because she is 21 and she has never had a boyfriend, which means she does not have the 'screaming babies' her mother would have expected her to have by this age.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2012): The OP means she has never had a boyfriend....much less a husband and children.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2012): (e.g. failing out of college, never having a boyfriend let alone a husband and six screaming babies...)
I am guessing by this statement that what you mean is your mother is giving you a hard time because you have failed out of college, and that you have never had a boyfriend, so you have not been married nor have any children. If I am correct in this, could you please clarify this, as I believe that you will get better advice from myself and the other aunt's and uncle's.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (23 December 2012):
Hi there. The very first thing you need to consider doing now, is to stop yourself from falling pregnant with baby no. 7?
Things are tough enough for you now, without adding yet another mouth to feed, don't you think?
I really don't believe that your mother has any negative intentions in mind, although to you, it might seem that way.
And I can understand that also.
She does after all, as all parents do, want the very best for their child.
You are on your own with these 6 children, and with no financial support from the babies' fathers, so that must be incredibly difficult, I'm sure.
And now your mother and father have an extra 7 mouths to feed, which must be pretty challening for them.
Although you have dropped out of college, there is going to come a time where you DO want to do more with your life than just be the mother of 6 children.
You will get to a place, where you want much more for yourself than that.
You will want to do something that gives you true meaning to your life, and why you were born.
A sense of purpose.
The question is what is it that you are interested in doing?
Depending on the ages of your children now, this probably is quite restrictive at the moment, especially the younger they are.
As soon as some of them begin school, this will leave you some free time, to pursue some part time work at least.
And a sense of independence as well, which is very uplifting to the spirit, I promise you.
And this process will be made much easier, if your mother will offer to mind the other children, while you work.
And once you have been working part time for a few months to a year, you might start to get a sense of where you would like to go with your life in future.
Unfortunately, your financial status dictates to you that you have no other alternative as far as living arrangments go, at present, so you might as well make the most of it while you are there.
Your children after all, could not be in better hands than with your own parents, now could they?
And you will probably find also, that once you are back into the workforce at least part time, that your mother will see for herself, that you are making an effort on your own to make a life for yourself, and will be pleased to see that.
And things between you will naturally ease, as a result.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (22 December 2012):
 OP please can you just clarify something. You can't have six screaming babies when you're age 18-21. Is this a typo?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2012): Even though I feel that she could talk to you in a more constructive way, I can honestly see her point. You have 6 children, only a high school education and your finances are not looking promising. If you don't start making the right choices and soon considering you have 6 other mouths to feed, then she may be right about your job situation. What the two of you can do is sit down and figure out some goals and you try to achieve them. I dont know if you have any, but now is the time to to start trying to achieve them. Best of luck to you.
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