A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am thinking of having an affair out of frustration and low self-esteem. My husband and I have not had any sexual encounters for eight years because he feels I am too aggressive and direct in general. He views me as a huge source of pressure and he feels the need to defend himself constantly. I maintain that his pressure is self imposed and that he attributes to me too many negative things. For instance, he suggested yesterday that I stop saying "that doesn't make sense" when I couldn't follow what he was trying to tell me. His communication skills are not that great and he feels that I should understand what he is saying instead of asking for him to clarify language for me so I can understand him. I also think he feels threatened by me because many times I do things better than he does or have a better sense of how to resolve issues in general.Help! He won't seek help and will no longer talk to me about how to solve the problem.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2008): I think that Baby Duck's answers are well thought out and excellent and I completely agree with them. I also agree that sex is very important in a relationship. It is the ultimate affection between 2 loving partners when done right. Most people feel hollow without sex in the relationship. My wife and I have a friend who just left a decades long relationship because of total lack of affection and communication. I don't know about any sex in their relationship though. The relationship was hollow and completely unfilling.
There is also more to sex in a loving relationship than just the sexual act. It has to include all of the other things, especially the holding and cuddling. The sex without that is just screwing. Yes, that is fun sometimes, but holding the other person close and just looking loving into their eyes and gently kissing them is what makes it great. My wife and I sometimes fall asleep like this after sex. She just lies there with her head on my shoulder or chest and I have my arm around her. I don't think that either of us could live happily without this showing of love and affection.
You have not gotten any of this for at least 8 years it seems. It doesn't seem like he has any incentive to change. He needs to have a complete checkup by his doctor, not just a prescription for some anti-depressents or anti-anxiety pills. He needs all of his hormone levels checked, blood pressure, lipid and a lot of other things. There are many medications that cause loss of libido and sexual performance. Any good doctor should know what these are. He might need counseling. However, he must want to dig into his problem and want to solve it for any of this to do any good. Somehow he must realize or be made to realize that there is something wrong with the relationship and that he needs to find the problem and work on solving it, whether it be medical or psychological.
Getting him to want to solve this problem is the hard part. I don't know any magic formual for this to happen.
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (5 August 2008):
 If you can not tolerate his behavior, deal with it in an other way beside cheating. That would probably crush him. You would regret it and feel hollow also. Maybe your husband needs an ultimatum.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate your statements to me and know intellectually you are right, but 8 years with no sex starts changing how you think! How do I get this man to modify his behaviour? He is a very tense individual and asked the GP we go to for something to calm him down. He took a minimal amount of Zoloft, which I don't think agreed with him because he complained it made him anxious. I suggested he ask the doctor for some other medication. Nope. After three weeks, he announced he was cured of his nervousness and stopped taking it. I softly told him it may be a bit premature to think he was cured of a 58 year lifetime of stomach upsets every day before starting the day, but he would hear none of that. He basically makes me feel like he will do or won't do what he wants and just pays lip service to me. I better change or get over it... Some day I'm goig to get fed up with him and get in the car and never come back.
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A
female
reader, JustPlainAmanda  +, writes (2 August 2008):
 wow no sex for 8 years okaii! so i would most likely advise you personally to calm down! sex isnt important in a marriage. yooh then need to let him know you have calmed down and talk to him about it..
if things still dont improve i would go to a marriage counciler. an affair just proves your unfaithful and doesnt help in any matter! dont have an affair because you will regret it later on
.x.x
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A
female
reader, Astrid  +, writes (2 August 2008):
 If having and affair would help you to think if you want to go on without sex and divorce then you should absolutely have it
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A
female
reader, littlesuziepie +, writes (2 August 2008):
 Hi. I know people that are in yours and your husbands situation. Its so unhealthy for both of you. If your not happy you two really need to break it off and if you don't want to get a divorce then why don't you guys just split up for a little while. It can help you. You and him can see what life is like on your own and find new ways to live and be happy. Understand your selves and what really makes you happy. I think that its what I would do if I was in that situation. You may find that your love grows stronger or you may find that your happier on your own. Anyway good luck. I hope what ever you choose is what's going to make you happy. Just try to remember that you control your happiness and your happiness is number one. The misery we live in now can be changed by us and us alone.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (2 August 2008):
What good will having an affair do and what does it have to so with the problems in your marriage? All it will do is make more problems. You've seemed to identify issues that trouble you so why cheat?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2008): I always think there are 2 levels in a relationship. The Best Friend is someone who you can live with and have a happy co-existence. Then there is the other level which is full of passion and mystery. Im sure at one point you were in the latter phase and now are at a stage of co-existence. Although a lot of people think affairs are so immoral I feel they can satisfy our need for love. Life is only lived once so dont waste time and the excitement of an affair cannot be matched. We only regret things that we dont do rather than the things we have done.
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A
female
reader, aphexinfinite +, writes (2 August 2008):
 well having an affair is only going to hurt the both of you. and the fact its wrong..get marriage councelling if not then you shouldnt be married if your contemplating infidelity..dont lower yourself because your unhappy..if things are not working out and he is not willing to work them and you are unhappy then leave him..you cant live a lie your only denying the both of you a happy life that you could both lead.. thats my opinion aphexy xx
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