A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:how can i trust and get over my boyfriend writting other girls notes at school.like he was emontionly cheating. We been dating for 3 yrs 1 month. Well basicly after 2 years together he had doubts and last winter is when i found some notes( 2) and basicly he was emontionly cheating bcuz i know for a fact they didnt do nothing not even hug or hold hands. But he told me he would stop writing notes and i found out he really stopped writting her notes a couple monthes later. Then a month ago i found a number in his car and it was that girls sister and she told me that the girl gave him her sisters number bcuz she didnt want nothing 2 do with him.when i confronted him he said he had the number for a while and hide it and basicly 4got where he put it and said if he really cared bout her he would have searched his car and said he relized how much he loves me and i can tell hes trying but im so hurt.how can i get over it and forgive him so i can trust him.i know he is telling the truth but its so hard to get over it. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, PsyCookie +, writes (2 August 2008):
 Thanks and I wish the best for your relationship as well.
To what happened to me happened a long time ago and I have end up in terms with him too, but I still remember everything. That's how I could connect to your situation! But I also feel you love your boyfriend as much as I love mine, so I'm pretty sure you'll end up forgiving yours.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks u guys for the help. We already had so many talks like deep talks not oh i love u it wont happen again...like hours long talk. I already got everything out so many times but it just still hurts. Im sorry i didnt say in the 1st place what the notes said. I just wanted to know how and if basicaly any1 has been in my shoes(well simalie sitituon) and if u can really forgive some1 who hurt u so much.i have never been in love like this yea ive dated guys for like years and lived with some but this is diff and i love him so much and i know i can but its so hard to 4get.psycookie_ i wish u the best of luck with ur relationshipand thanks cuz thats exactly what i said 2 kno. Thanks you to the rest of u who helped it was apperiacated every last word.thanks again.
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A
female
reader, PsyCookie +, writes (2 August 2008):
Ok, thanks for clearing that up.
Now I do see where you come from and I'm able to understand what you're saying and I can understand why you feel so much pain.
Now, if you want to forgive him, try to see if he's truthful first. Being with him for 3 years gives you a power to actually see if he's truthful. If you do truely believe that what he's saying is the truth, then accept him back.
After that, ask him to cut off contact with the girl. If he right away agree with no buts, he probably regrets having done what he did and is truthfull of what he has told you.
Now the healing process. If you truely love him, you will eventually will end up forgiving him. I don't know if you read, but I said in my other message that I was emotionally cheated, but mine was much worse (cause it involved a minor physical contact). Of course I was hurt and felt just so terrible about it, but you know... I did end up forgiving him because I could tell he was sorry and because I just love my boyfriend so much.
I'm still in the healing process, but my pain is not so big as before. What I did to try to get over this was to have a deep talk with your boyfriend, in person. Tell him EVERYTHING that you feel, and please don't hold back. I assure you that you will feel some weight lifted after you do this, but you will still be hurt. Keep being honest with him, but don't bring this up too often. Tell him you want to talk about it whenever you're together.
After that, keep telling yourself that he's a great guy who loves you and cares deep for you. If you love him, you will eventually end up forgiving (seriously).
But forgiving it's way different than forgetting. You will probably never forget the incident, but don't bring this up in fights if you have told your boyfriend that you have forgiven him. Given the time and the constant deep talks with your boyfriend, the pain will cease and when you think about what he did will not hurt so much.
If I got over of what my boyfriend did which was worse what yours did, then why can't you? I'm pretty sure that you love him so much, so I'm sure that you will be able to get over this... just give it time.
Now good luck, and give this healing process time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLet u all know they were notes to a girl saying how pretty she was and stuff like that.
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A
female
reader, PsyCookie +, writes (2 August 2008):
What was in the content of the letters? Did they specifically say he wanted the girl to be with hiM? Did he flatter her constantly? How many letters did he send?
You haven't given so much information, and the letters are the MacGuffin in your story.
But if you want to give you what I persieve from what you have told so far, I think that you're a very insecure person who's over-reacting over a simple thing.
The first strange thing I found here is that you used the term "notes". Most people use their cell phones to send letters to each other, or the computer, but you here are talking about physical paper. I almost thought you were younger than you stated (18-21) since doing this is mostly found in elemntary/middle schools, until you mentioned he had a car.
Now, if he indeed sent letters to another person, well he just incriminated himself too easily. Like i said before, most people send letters on their cell phone or computer since it's a very easy thing to dispose off. Also, I remember that when I was in school (even in High School), I would send notes to my friends, both female and male, asking how it was their day or for a random thing. My boyfriend would too. For this reason, it makes me think that his letters were just friendly, which leads me to think you over-reacted over him wanted to talk to a friend who just happened to be a girl.
Now, I think you're a very insecure person because him sending letters to someone else shouldn't be a big deal, unless the content within it was actually fishy. I have myself been emotional cheated before and It hurt like hell, but I believe that the reason you are like that is because you're very sensitive and insecure and you want to rise suspicions from your man.
Now, like I said, give the information about the letters because that may change or not my opinion about your situation, but as far as what I know, I do fear that if you keep on thinking this way you may lead your boyfriend from being frustrated with your lack of unfounded trust towards and he may actually leave you.
Now just update this telling what the content in the letters was.
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A
male
reader, FredsDead  +, writes (2 August 2008):
3 years and 1 month is a long time in a relationship in anyones books. I think your boyfriend has been 'testing the water'. By 'testing the water', I mean checking that he's still got 'it' and is able to flirt with other women. I don't believe there is any intent to get with these women but that he's just after a confidence boost of sorts. However if you are not happy, you are not happy. You should sit him down and make your feelings on the matter known to him. He should be left in no doubt that you do not want him writing anymore notes. Especially because you've been in the relationship so long, he should take your thoughts onboard without any hassle. I think your ship should weather this storm no problem ; )
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2008): 3 years and 1 month is a long time in a relationship in anyone's books. I think that perhaps your boyfriend is simply 'testing the waters' by writing these notes. By 'testing the waters' I mean that he wants to know if he's still got 'it'. It's a confidence thing if you will. I do think you need to sit down and discuss it with him seriously and make your feelings on the matter clearly known to him. Make sure that he comes out of the conversation with the understanding that his recent behaviour is unacceptable and you want him to stop. Especially because this is such a long term relationship, I think your ship will weather this storm no problem at all. ; )
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A
female
reader, ClaireAndJamieXX  +, writes (2 August 2008):
 Its impossible to force yourself to trust someone especially if they have taken advantage of it in the past. The only advice i can give you is to give yourself time to build up some trust with him again and eventually you will be able to trust him, but only if he is trustworthy. If you cant trust someone its impossible to have a relationship with them without being paranoid or hurt again. So if you feel this guy might do the same again in the future then it would probably be best just to move on. Good luck in whatever you choose xx
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