A
male
age
51-59,
*r Husband
writes:My wife and I have been married for 6 years, together for nearly 17 and we have a young son. We recently went through counselling on account of me getting seriously interested in sex over and above anything I've been interested in before. The interest began getting obsessive to the point of work, sleep and everything else suffering. The counselling has cured the obsessive, compulsive thoughts but has uncovered a great deal of issues both between us and for me as well; I'm not sure at the moment just how to interpret how I feel, aside from down and angry/resentful.Long story short: Before meeting my wife I'd only had one other girlfriend, who said she didn't want to sleep with me and asked if I was ok with that, Not being a complete creep I said I was fine and so we didn't sleep together. The day after we split up I found out she'd slept with her next door neighbour that day, a neighbour she professed to dislike. Naturally I was rather angry, especially as I was still a virgin. We hooked up again a couple of months later and we did sleep together but she was utterly cold and uninvolved leaving me feeling rejected and unwanted.My wife was a virgin when we met and hadn't had a serious boyfriend before me. We didn;t attempt penetrative sex for a few years after we met and any other sexual contact was infrequent and very much one way (me to her). All the while she insisted she was interested so despite feeling rejected again I figured I was misinterperting the situation and all I needed to do was to approach her in the right manner.When we finally got around to trying penetration it was highly problematic for her and we wound up in therapy. Figuring that her issue with sex to that point was down to her now diagnosed vaginismus, I believed that once the issue was sorted then sex would come naturally. It got cured, but it didnt come naturally.With the sex/penetration issue sorted to the point that the physical problem was sorted, she asked me to marry her. I agreed (aside from the sex issue, we are so ideally suited it hurts!). And even with the issue we had a son together 18 months later who we love dearly.The sex continued sporadically with me supplying all the enthusiasm and sense of variety, her begrudgingly going along with it all. By now it was obvious that something was wrong but being a married, moral person I continued putting in the effort. Late last year we took a break abroad together without our son in order to get some time to ourselves. Having got to such a point of frustration with our love life, I went out on a limb and suggested hiring a third person to be with us - in the bedroom. Astoundingly she agreed; the resultant kind-of-threesome last all of 2 mins before we left, went back to our hotel and had one of the best nights of our lives. On returning from the break my problems began; obsessive interest in kinky sex; BDSM, group, everything. And after a month of this seriously impacting on our day to day lives, we wound up in relationship counselling.The counselling uncovered quite a few problems between us, which we've talked out both during the counselling and afterwards. The one that bothers me most is her admission that she was happy to avoid sex and by extension my needs for all those years whilst she also availed herself of everything she needed from the relationship; security, love and reassurance. Since the counselling she's made a concerted effort with regards to our love life, had made one of my all time fave fantasies come true yet it still feels as though I'm being appeased for all the years she let me carry her. I'm also still feeling angry and resentful for all the years she took what she needed but avoided what I needed. I'm also feeling angry with myself for playing the oh-so-noble white night rather than doing the selfish thing and being happy. And I feel like I've missed out on so much sexually, stuff that really matters to me whilst doing so.I'm still interested in trying kinky sex although if I ask my wife will say yes, it's likely to be out of a sense of guilt and obligation. And if I don't do anything about it I get to be unhappy and continue feeling unfulfilled. The other option would be to leave, although I do love my wife and couldn't do such a thing to our son. However I don't feel as though I can go on feeling like this for any length of time without doing something though.I'm sure plenty of men go through wanting something outside of their marriages in their late 30s/early 40s so I guess I fit the midlife crisis model. Any suggestions on how to interpret what I'm feeling, or suggestion on what I might do? And apologies for the rambling explanation.
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male
reader, Mr Husband +, writes (8 April 2011):
Mr Husband is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone who replied (including my wife!). A few thoughts:@Libra1963:I'm trying my damndest to make all of this work. Part of the problem is that during the problem years, I took to 'self soothing' and not relying on anyone else for my sexual satisfaction. Although well intentioned, the idea being to keep as much pressure as possible off of my wife, it wound up backfiring spectacularly. As well as trying to learn to open up and not be so self reliant, I'm also up and down emotionally and I'm not feeling consistent from one day to the next. As far as "he thought of having sex with someone just because I have too - how awful is that and that is what she is doing for you." - she says she's not and she is self evidently making so much more effort to initiate things and enjoy herself. I'm trying to get out of my old beliefs and certainties which always said she was doing just what you suggested.@Tem"My personal opinion is that yours is an admitted obsession, and I'm not sure it is fair to be angry at your wife because she does not want to indulge an obsession. The obsession feels important only to the obsessed. - I really think this is your problem, not your wife's, to solve.".You;re quite right. If there is an answer to be found in how to manage my interest/obsession, I'm determined to find it together. I'm hoping that the passage of time and the accumulated proof that our relationship has changed (her more interested in sex itself, me being more open and less 'self soothing') will diminish the obsession. Time will tell.@A reader:"In my eyes cheating is not an option". I agree. If I was the kind to cheat, have an affair or go and pay for it, I would have done already. The threshold for having gone and done something like that, if I was thus inclined, was passed a long, long time ago. I might be unheathily obsessed and harbouring thoughts incompatible with marriage but I also took my marriage vows seriously, long before we even contemplated marriage. The obsession and my sense of morality being in conflict are part of the problem here.@A female reader:"There seems little chance that she is suddenly going to wake up one morning a 'sex kitten'. So you basically have choices. Have a seperation/divorce. Or settle for what you have"I know. This would be easier if we weren't so perfectly suited and compatible in every other aspect of our lives, interests and humour. As above, I'm hoping that the sexual differences between can be bridged somewhat. What I'm trying to actively avoid is solving this purely by myself (been part of the problem in the past), although I've no idea what might help with some of the more kinky stuff.I know there's no easy answers here, and all of the available options are fraught with uncertainty and lack guarantees. All of your thoughts and perspectives have been greatly appreciated, even where some of them haven't been what I've wanted to hear. Needed to hear them though.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2011): Hi, I thought I would add my comments in here as I'm the wife of the OP.I do feel very guilty about the number of years our marriage went on with all these sexual issues and I just buried my head in the sand.I thought I was some kind of freak because I had sex so infrequently and couldn't quite reconcile that with the fact that, when we did sleep together we had a great time !During therapy I uncovered a number of reasons which seemed to go some way to explaining it, but I also made a huge effort to look at the whole sex issue and not continue with the past anxieties.After so many years I look at the whole issue of sex differently and though I know that our drives are quite a bit different, I really feel that the quality of our sex life has improved greatly.My husband, however, still feels the same as he did when first posting this. He is unable to let go of the 16 years of bad experiences and look to the last year, which has been much improved, and also to the future.I do understand that something which has been an issue for so long cannot be dealt with/forgotten etc overnight, but he sees the improvements over the last year as a "blip" and believes that it will all slide back to how it was before then.As you have already read in his post, I have done a number of things over the last few months that many wives would not have done. I have done them freely and increased in confidence as a result.I am at a loss about how to continue from here as he is so down and unhappy and I love him to pieces.Any advice on how to help him overcome the past and build a great sex life together in the future would be much appreciated.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2011): There may be a small element of 'mid'life crisis' here as you know time is ticking by and you don't want to miss out on something that is alluding you. However, there is a deep seated miss match between you and your wife. There seems little chance that she is suddenly going to wake up one morning a 'sex kitten'. So you basically have choices. Have a seperation/divorce. Or settle for what you have. An affair with someone in a similar situation to you is another alternative but comes with all sorts of problems. Leaving your wife is not going to, in itself, lead to a fulfilled sex life. There is a lot to be said for being in a relationship with someone you love regardless of sex. No answers here, as there is no clear cut answers.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2011): I am a woman and I was in your position...Resulted in divorce. What I realized was that there are different people with different sexuality levels out there. Sex is the only thing that separates friends and lovers so it is IMPORTANT. So you have 2 choices - give yourself a fresh start with someone who you are on same level with also sexuality wise or continue doing what you are doing...In my eyes cheating is not an option - it will hurt the other person much more than you being straight up with them and giving them respect they deserve. Success!
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A
female
reader, TEM  +, writes (30 March 2011):
 I have to agree with the previous poster. I don't think it's a mid-life crisis. I think it is incompatibility. The reason I say this is because it has been going on so long. You've known about the problem, tried to work it out, tried therapy, etc. All to no avail it seems, or you have just not been satisfied with the results.
The fact that you are angry/resentful is worrisome. I am not a mental health professional, so I am reluctant to advise you here, and you do have access to professionals for this. However, you posed the question here so I will answer it as a layman. My personal opinion is that yours is an admitted obsession, and I'm not sure it is fair to be angry at your wife because she does not want to indulge an obsession. The obsession feels important only to the obsessed.
I realize she doesn't satisfy your sexual needs. Your needs however, are many and different. I don't know many wives, highly sexed or not, that would be willing to do some of the things she's done (a threesome for example). The fact that your wife is willing to even try kinky sex with you is big. Expecting her to be enthusiastic about it, is, IMHO, expecting too much.
What is it that you really want? My feeling is that you would like someone to give you a pass to go outside your marriage to satisfy your sexual needs. Traditional marriage, by definition, does not allow this (sometimes the law doesn't either). I could have this completely wrong, but I really think this is your problem, not your wife's, to solve.
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A
female
reader, Libra1963  +, writes (30 March 2011):
 I didn't read your text fully but I really feel for you. You seem highly sexed, love your wife but are incompatible. It seems like there is just one answer. You only have one life. Do you want to spend the rest of your life feeling frustrated. Its a big decision. You are clearly incompatible. I could not bear the thought of having sex with someone just because I have too - how awful is that and that is what she is doing for you.
I hate to see relationships fail but this is so clearly not working and you have have invested a lot of time and effort in it.
Some may say go a way for a long week end and find other ways of having sex. Give it a go but from what you said, I cant see no change.
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