A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 24 years, and have 4 children 27 years, 23 years, my 17 year old and my 11 year old daughter's live at home. My husband has become so abusive that I do not know him any longer, nor do I trust him. I found out he has a mail box at the post office, and a storage unit, I'm not even on his bank account, so I have no access to money. My husband is controlling, verbally abusive, and threatening. I have to practically beg for money. Everything that is wrong with his life, or because he is unhappy in his life he blames me. Tonight he told me to crawl into a hole and die then when I asked him for money, he called me a F------ b----. Then he said, see girls your mother is harrasing me, we cant even watch TV without hearing her voice. Then my 11 year old daughter told me to shut up and get out of the family room. I was so hurt, I satarted crying. My husband encouratges my two girls to be dis-respectful to me. It seems too much to bear that I have this constant abuse going on all the time. One day he threatens me then the next he says he is sorry, and that he loves me. Most of the time it is abuse, I try to ignore him, I am a full time student, trying to get a degree so I can have a career and leave him. In the meantime, I found out that there is over $183,000.00 in credit card debt and he tells everyone that I did this. This is so far from the truth, I am shocked and in disbelief over the amount of debt. He has not paid the mortgage for three months, or the water bill and now it is over $1000.00, when I asked him why he isnt paying the bills, he tells me because he gave me $50.00, now he cant pay the mortgage. Its insane what comes out of his mouth. The $183,000.00 is in bankrupcy and the house is not supposed to be, I dont know what he is doing. I want a divorce, but I have gone to three attorneys and they want $5000.00 up front, I have $291.00 in my bank account. I do not have family to give me money, and he knows that and this is another reason why he probably is so abusive. My husband is hateful and angry all the time towards me, it is intolerable situation to live in. It was my daughters 17th birthday and I wanted to make a cake for her and buy her a present, he was scresming at me because I was asking for $60.00 to buy her a present, not very much money for a 17 year old, He said I will give it to you at the doctor office, a half hour away where he was taking the 17 year old to an apt. When I arrived at the doctor office I asked him for the money again and he said when you come out I will give it to you. I came out and thsn he was gone, he left for home. I called and then went all the way back home and asked for the money again, he said I'm cooking breakfast now, you'll have to wait until I'm done cooking then I will give you the money. He started screaming at me that I was ungrateful and you want everything right now, you'll just have to wait until I'm ready. We started arguing, I said I have waited all morning and had to drive all the way back home, I'm not waiting anymore, just give me the money and then I'll go. He is always telling me to leave. He started calling me names then talking about the car that he leased-a company car, threatening me that he can take it away anytime he wants, I said go ahead, I dont like it anyway, its the base model. It got ugly and he was screamnig at me and putting his face 1 inch away from my face and spitting saliva all over my face, I was backed up against the kitchen counter and there were chairs on either side of me. I pushed his face away from mine and ran away. He said to the girls who were watching TV in the family room, did you see that, your mom just hit me. I'm going to have to call the police on her because she hit me. He phoned the police, then I phoned the police. The Shelby township police came out to our house and talked to him and the girls in the den. I was in the kitchen, and one police officer was there with me. The three other police officers came out into the kitchen and asked me if I touched my husband , "I said well I'm not going to lie, I pushed his face away from mine, but as I was answering that question one of the police officers asked if I hit my husband. I never even answered that question yet because I was answering the question if I touched my husband. Then the police officer said your under arrest and put my hands behind my back and arested me. This took place on a Saturday morning, and my husband left me in jail and I did not get out until Monday evening around 8:00 pm, he brought my 11 year old daughter to the jail to pick me up. I have never been in trouble with the law before and he brought my 11 year old daughter to pick me up at the jail, this was so inappropriate. While I was in jail, he blocked my calls, while he was telling everyone that he was trying everything to get me out, the cost to get me out was $400.00, while he had thousands of dollars in his bank account, because he is not paying the mortgage and the bills. While in jail I missed my exam at school, I missed my daughters birthday, I was traumatized and could not believe that he could do this to me. His motive is to not pay me child support and leave me with as little money as possible. He tells me he is going to have the last laugh. Pretty soon I wont have a roof over my head or my children, my firend tell me that I wont have a place to live than or money and he will be able to take the kids because he will have a place to live and I wont. I need help, I dont know what to do, I want cuatody of my 11 year old daughter, my 17 year old daughter drinks alcohol and stays out all weekend and gets F's in school. My husband tells her she does not have to listen to me when I tell her she cant go out, he encourages her to ignore me, he givers her money and the car keys to go out all weekend- she does not come home until Siunday night. When he wants a car he just takes mine and leaves me stranded at home with no car, he tells me that all the cars are his and he can take it away form me anytime he wants. I need help to get out of this situation of abuse, I do not know where to turn, should I call a social worker, my firends tell me not to call a social worker because they will take the kids away, I do not know what is true or not. I need a lawyer who will not charge me a upfront retainer fee, I have been a house wife for over 24 years and hav not workded, I work two days a month so I can get a discount on tuition at school, other wise I would not work it is overwhelming for me. My grades are good, A' and last semester for the first time B+ because of the trauma of being put in jail. My husband is hitting me, last weekend he slapped me on my thigh and hand and left a hand print on my skin, two wees previous, he threw a water bottle with a straw at my leg and it broke on my leg. He threatens me that all he has to do is make a police report and I will go to jail for 90 days. I'm living under threats for something I did not do, I did not slap my husband and i did not deserve to be arrested and go to jail. My friend has talked to him and asked him to get help for his mood swings, and it's not healthy for the kids to hear all this arguing all the time. What can I do to get myself and my daughter out of this abusive situation? I really need help, I 'am desperate.
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male
reader, BreastMan  +, writes (21 January 2011):
Go get a job. I assume you are American, well, they used to call that place the land of Oportunity. Milions around the world would give their left hand just to be allowed to live there and do the worst jobs. Why can't you ? I am sorry for your plight, but my impression here is that all you want is to sit there and whine.... or perhaps you are a masochist. The way I see it, even a miserably paid work will make your life better then it is now.
A
female
reader, rubys_mom  +, writes (23 August 2010):
Hello..
That's a terrible situation! Where are you located? I know Canadian family law..US is similar.
Your husband is very abusive. It would be wise to contact area service providers for abuse.
CALL THE POLICE..and have him arrested. Once arrested connect with area Victims Witness type org. should there be limits set on bail ie. afraid he will come back and abuse you or you family further.
Go to your area court house and get 3 copies of a Family Court Application. Unless you have a copier..in Ontario we can type,save and print them.
Anyway.. your application is fairly straight forward.
It will ask you which "ORDERS" you require.
1., Exclusive Possession of Matrimonial Home ***You said you were married..this is important. If the relationship is terminated to abuse and there are children involved a Judge may reach to support that order. However abuse would provide a "Health and Safety Concern".
2. An Order for Child Support.
3. An Order for Spousal Support.
4. An Order for Full Custody of the two Children of marriage, namely....
5. Considering Access to the Father.
You will also be required to complete an affidavit it will detail facts to support your Application.
Because an assault occurs the Police will forward your information to an area Family Services.. get a copy of the information. You may be able to get the Police to give you something.. in Ontario you have to go through the OPP station and request from the Freedom of Information Act..so there is a process.
If he's in jail you can ask on your Application that you want to be heard on short notice w/out the Respondent being there. It is important to stress this to have a date ASAP ;)
Visit your local Social Services.. they have rent banks and other employment and/or financial services. In ON again.. they can give someone there rent/mortgage arrears every 24 months to avoid eviction or last months of a new place. They can help w/ hydro and water etc.
ok.. take your three copies of Affidavit and Application back to the court house. DO NOT SIGN IT - SIGN in front of clerk.
Go to the Family clerk.. they will sign "commission it" you sign it.
Serve it to the Respondent..
Fax it if available.. he will be in jail.. if he assaults you it will be provincial so you closest one ;) Take it there. Give them a copy to his attention.. unless you are being seen by a Judge w/out Notice.
Go back to the court house.. fill out an Affidavit of Service.. they will help you.. clerks aren't allowed to advise you but they will assist to a certain degree.
God Bless you and anyone else that is going through this
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2010): As I am reading your story, am in exactly the same situation as I speak. Am a student but because of the threats and constant accusations I am going through, my grades are begginning to drop, have no one to talk to not even a friend. My tears are streaming down my cheeks as I talk to you right now. I do want to get myself out but for some rason I am still here maybe its the age of my children, but I cannot take the abuse anymore. Everything is being blamed on me and am so traumatised I cannot explain. Police aint helpful my husband tells them Am the one who hits him and cannot lay a finger on anyone but police took his word for it. The grin when he gets his way with the police is damaging to me. Have decided to be quiet and do nothing about it and try try and finish my education and you know what I will be out faster than I got into the relationship. I wish you well and pray for you and hope God will give you strength to finish you education because trust me I will against all odds.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2010): I have another view point in these
1) He has become so because he is so much in debt. Obviously you as couple could not handle the fiannces well.
2) he does not have money that is why he is so restrictive in giving you money and all.
3) All that you mentioned, route cause is the same.
he is not a bad man. Unfortunately husbands have been given so much of financial responsibility in the world that it creates problem for them. Another issue is that you need to know that Men do not want to accept the problems and always think they can solve the problems.
My advice will be to work your expenses completely in line with financial situation for your family. Divorce is completely not a solution in these situations. It will not solve the problem at all. Only time will solve the situation once he is out of Debt and so as you ( coz, you also feel the pressure of debt ), all things will become normal.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2010): Here are a few resources.
National Domestic Violence Hotline is:
1-800-799-7233
Please give them a call...they can recommend you to whoever is closet in your area that can offer you shelter and legal advice. PLEASE DON'T WAIT TILL IT GETS ANY WORSE! If he controls your phone, call from a friends or from the library or from a pay phone.
The only way to help your children is to GET AWAY! If you have to stay in a woman's shelter with your daughter(s), then that's what you have to do. They will help you with food, clothes, transportation, and finding work if needed.
You need to make sure to document what your husband says or does...Even if it's on paper! Try to take pictures of injuries/when he hits you and give copies of all of it to your friends, just in case. If he hits you again, CALL THE POLICE! If you can't do that or feel it's not safe, at least document what happened.
Google information about filing for a divorce and check out these websites:
http://www.leavingabuse.com/
http://helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_help_treatment_prevention.htm
http://www.domesticviolence.org/
http://www.stoprelationshipabuse.org/abused.html
You will have to be strong and resourceful, but in the end, you will show your children what the RIGHT thing to do is.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (11 June 2010):
I also agree that you need to get this recorded. That's your first best bet. Then you can have him arrested and everything will be opened up. Also, is there any way that you can call upon your children for help here? He's a shocking man. But he's being too smart for his own good, because all you need to do is get it on tape a few times, and it will all be opened up. There is no way he can leave you without money at al. All you need to do is get this on tape, preferably video.
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A
female
reader, Myrrh +, writes (11 June 2010):
 Hi. Go to your doctor and explain how you feel and why. If your husband lays a finger on you again, you call the police out to him and have him charged with assault. Meantime either find a friend who will take you and your youngest daughter in. Or find someone to help you locate a womens shelter for you and your 11 year old. Your local church may even be able to provide refuge so go and speak to them too. Getting a divorce can wait. For now, you just need to get out of the family home. Dont talk to your children about leaving as they may tell your husband. And he might instigate something so he can call the police out to you again. If that happens it might be difficult to keep your youngest child with you. So keep your plans a secret until you are ready to leave. Then just go when hes at work and dont tell him you have left the house until you are away from him and safe. You will be fine so dont worry about the "future". Just get off your butt now and out of that house safely, worry about other things later x
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (11 June 2010):
 Sad story... I'm kinda at a loss for ideas, but you seem desperate so any reply is better than nothing.
How far are you away from finishing your degree and being able to get a job, because you need one ASAP. Money is your biggest problem and the divorce, a place to live and the custody of your children all hinge off it. You may have to burn the candle at both ends and work during the week and/or weekend as well as study. Its not easy, but anybody can do it if they need to. Your grades may suffer, but at the end of the day does an "A" really mean jack all if you lose everything else to get it??
If you study at university I'd put up fliers on the pin up boards in the law buildings. Even if you're not at university, just go visit any and all universities asking for help. Write down a brief description of your desperation and the need for help with the law for some small payment. Students all need money and experience as you well know and hopefully someone will have a heart and help you out. You could even appeal to law lecturers face to face, they may be moved by your desperation or agree to help simply as an interesting case study to bring to the class perhaps?
Stay at your friends house until you can find your own place because this behavior is despicable, particularly him trying to make your own children believe that he is the victim.
He is worse than scum.
Keep us informed, I really hope you find a way to get out of this trap soon :(
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (11 June 2010):
 If you can get access to a video recorder, an audio recorder, or another form of surveillance, you need to document how he is treating you. If he is as abusive as you say he is, you need to gather some evidence.
A divorce doesn't need to cost $5,000. All it takes is basic filing. You also can find a shelter or a larger church in which to seek help and shelter.
This situation you're in is 24 years in the making, and for 24 years, you've allowed him to have this level of control over you. The solution won't be quick and easy, but you need to physically separate yourself from him, even if it means that you live in a battered women's shelter or homeless shelter or with friends. You said you didn't have family, or I'd suggest it.
He cannot threaten to take the children away and leave you with no money. Even if he has accounts in his name only, any assets acquired are community assets. With or without a lawyer, a judge will order alimony, custody, spousal support, and child support. Do NOT listen to his threats any longer. He is a bully who is used to getting his own way.
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