A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am getting so wary, in my whole life I had only a handful of terrible relationships, and because I prefer to be alone than in a terrible relationship I was mostly alone. I thought for many years that it was because of my looks, last year I even put my picture on Hot or Not to see if I was overrating myself, but I had an average of 9.5 so that is not the main problem. Many see me as vivacious and funny, and I am careful not to be too needy (after a lifetime of loneliness one might be) but also not too independent, but it is like a desert, men don't like me, women do but I don't like them, not for a relationship at least. I am a bit shy, but I am making an effort even in that, going out at least twice a month in single's groups or with people I don't know, I try to flirt, nothing. I don't think a therapist can help me at this point, I had one for a couple of periods in my life, they say I haven't met the right person, but why am I so unpopular? All pretty women have some admirers, I have none, only creeps that want to use me or crazy guys that I have to leave before they destroy my life :( nice guys don't like me, why?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell, the ones I can ask to (maybe 5?) don't know anybody - one offered her recently divorced ex-husband, but I passed :-S Maybe in time I ll make more friends, as I am new to this city, and someone else will help.
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male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (7 May 2011):
 Have you tried asking your friends to set you up on a blind date? Surely they would know people you would like?
I hope that helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAhaha ADD no, but I just noticed yesterday that in public I fidget too much, because meeting people for me is very challenging, and that probably sends the "crazy vibe" even if on all the rest I am pretty balanced (at least I do my best). Older creeps can be even worse, been there too :( Any ideas about how to change your vibe? and Cerberus: since several years I try to start as friends and stay friends as long as possible, but especially with online dating they don't want to be my friend - at least that weeds out the creeps faster than anything else, but there isn't much left.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2011): Two questions for you:
1 Are you by any chance a Gemini?
2 Do you have ADD?
Please don't take offense. I only ask because I feel like I can relate to you. I'm the pretty bubbly smart girl that always gets the creeps which is why I'm usually single. :( My friends say I'm too nice and I just haven't met the right guy yet.
My problem is that I like older men though. Sigh.
Why don't you try a dating site?
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male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael +, writes (6 May 2011):
Try aiming to make friends first instead of thinking too much about a relationship. Give people a chance to know you without the pressure of having to decide whether or not they want to date you. Do you have any male friends? I'm not suggesting you date those I'm just saying, if you do, you can obviously make friends with other males so, that would be a good place to start in my opinion. Make the first move.
I hope that helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey, I thought I had to add this: tonight, room full of programmers, 38 men and 2 women, the only one that seemed VERY interested was a (pretty gorgeous actually) guy with a unicycle that tells me how he doesn't like to share his bike (seriously!) and how he cannot watch movies because "he lacks the empathy to identify with others". Brrrrrrr....
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCerberus, I know what you mean, but I don't live in Ireland, I am one of those that found a job away from home :) so, not a lot of people into rugby where I live, and a pretty great number of awesome people (although mostly married), so in that sense I can't complain :) the "feminization" I think as a guy you rightly miss the reference, is one of those things out of self help books, "find the goddess within" etc kind of BS, but I could relate with the theory that women need to use a lot of male energy to get around in the modern world (nothing to do with skirts, actually), so when it comes to relationships some women in a sense forget how to be women anymore, so, well, just advertising that theory here here, I thought it made sense, even if I am quite the feminist. Being in touch with one's emotions has nothing to do with women's rights, mind me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011): Yeah the more I read the more I was repelled. hehe.
What I'm getting from the rest of your replies is that you think about this a bit too much.
The problem as I see it OP is your type, the more I read about your personality the more I see that the type of guy that would be good for you is probably the type that doesn't really go out socializing much. Someone with the same interests and stuff like that. The problem is your interests are young, they're quite specific and not to stereotype too much but most of those guys are socially awkward in some way, you sound like a very interesting woman in my opinion and that's awesome but your hobbies and stuff are almost too new for the guys in the age group you're trying to attract.
Then again I have a feeling "normal" guys your age just wouldn't be your thing, I really just don't think they'd have much to offer you, intellectually or spiritually.
The problem is OP all the guys that are your kind of clique, all the cool and open minded people into the same stuff you are, are gone to other countries because there just isn't any kind of good scenes around Ireland. There just isn't enough people in Ireland anymore because it's just such a shit country where you're not allowed to do anything fun, I mean the pubs close at 12.30 and they even cut back off license hours last year, remember that? No one cool wants to live in this shithole in the long term OP, I'm only still here for college once I get my masters I'm gone. Once your younger friends get their shit together they'll most likely head off too. The only good thing about this country used to be the people but most of the good people are going off to live good lives in other countries.
You're dating choices are simply, men that like rugby or soccer, or really old hippy types that like to go to gigs. There just isn't much of anything else around. Ireland is a horribly expensive country and anything new exciting and fun that comes around is banned immediately.
I can see why you're trying to style yourself differently and trying "feminize" yourself but we have nothing, nowhere to meet people here only clubs and pubs. I'm sure you're well aware they're shitty places to find men, especially guys your age because they're usually very slimy, pushy drunks that only want to get laid.
Look don't give up but do try and let this slide a bit OP, the more you want this the harder it will be. Just get on with your life, enjoy being single, enjoy being a free woman and things will happen. Just make sure you're out there and try getting to know people with similar interests online, Ireland has a very shitty ratio or cool people with unique interests. Most of those people are still very young and when they get older they either move country or they turn into just another old rugby fan, career guy who slimes all over women in clubs on a saturday night.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyou see, now there are no guys giving answers anymore, I repelled them here too :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAhahAH, I missed the Startrek convention but I did go to Cosplay (those things where people dress up like game characters), and usually I hang out in groups with only programmers or designers, but there are not many of those groups, and everybody is either 10 years younger and they see as the grandma, either married. I am going to one meeting right now :)
I do have some friends, although there could be more, and I asked them too; replies range from: you are fine, it's just that there are no good men around (the cynical friend), you are too nice, you are too distant, you don't go out enough, you are too old (! one relative) so that is not really helpful, that's why I turned to the collective mind of the internet.
But yes, I am extremely bad at reading people, I am not sure why, the majority of people seem to function on different standards.
Actually at the moment I don't have any men friends (only acquaintances) I feel I THEY should know, because women don't really know what goes through a man's mind. Or should I start asking strangers why they don't like me? Seriously, It's bugging me a lot. Men repellant, that's me.
I worked on the feminine energy, tried to be more open with my emotions because I am shy and open up only with people who are close to me, I only wear skirts and nice clothes, I let the others talk, nothing.
I feel like an alien in woman's clothes after so much work on myself, but with all the horrible experiences that I had I thought that without doing that nothing was going to change. I am what I am and change takes ages, but it is difficult to go from shy loser-ish nerd-ette to the most outgoing charming seductress, I started only 2 years ago.
The crack on women was to comment that the only passes I get are from gay women, and by the way, if I get any warmer I'll alienate anyone around me, as I live in a northern country where people are kind of detached.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (5 May 2011):
 Do you have any friends at all? You sound as though you have pushed everyone away, and in your original post you say "men don't like me, women do but I don't like them, not for a relationship at least". I wonder if you have a problem with reading people and not realize it.
You are emanating something that is acting as a man repellent. You have to figure out why that is and a good place to start is with your friends. If you don't have any girlfriend that you can ask this question, then you really need to start there.
Vivacious and funny and 'hot' sound like good things to be, but if you are not empathetic and warm to other people, they will not respond with warmth and acceptance themselves.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 May 2011):
 Ok, I take my post back and officially declare myself baffled : you do seem to have pretty inclusive tastes , perhaps even too much ( I'd skip the mentally ill guys, even if not severely ill :).
Maybe, then, it's like you and Cerberus Raphael say : you may come off as intimidating , even if you don't mean to. You are in the " too smart " category, and articulate, and added to being a bit shy, it may be misisnterpreted as standoffish. Of course you should not pretend to be dumb so you can be "popular " but , who knows , maybe push a bit the pedal of warmth, smile and friendliness ?...
Since you define yourself as a nerd, I was going, as a joke, to suggest that you'd join a Start Trek convention, -
then I realized that, Ok, let's skip the trekkie convention, but if you have specific cultural and recreational interests, you might find people of your liking if you join some association or organization related to those interests , rather than in bars and clubs where conversation goes from impossible to frivolous at best.
Best of luck and keep us posted
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioneducated: yes, age range: give or take eight years, money:no, very good looking: no, all ethnicities and religions are fine, as long as there is tolerance, with a couple of goals in life: yes, kind: yes, with a way to support himself: yes, kids: even better. There needs to be mutual understanding, and I am a bit strange, I guess, so that makes things more difficult. I really don't think I am very good looking, that's why I put the picture on hot or not, to have an objective opinion - I would have given myself like a 7 -, but people are very generous with votes there :) I am quite shy under the surface and sometimes I come across as not interested, but I have also been told that I seem too eager, so I don't know what to do.. I try and be myself, but it's not working, clearly
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionmy only standards are that he understands what I say, that he sincerely likes me, and no cheaters, alcoholics, too severely mentally ill, blowing hot and cold/players, and men who live with their mum. Looks and money have never been an issue, within limits : extremely obese and guys that are much smaller than me, because they make me feel like the giant woman in the circus (shorter but with body mass, no problem) . I actually prefer a guy who has already kids :) I took guys with depression, cancer, broken, with totally different political and religious views from me, because nobody is perfect and I have my flaws too; I am open to guys in wheelchairs, much younger than me, I love nerds because I am one, honestly, if I lower my standards I'll get beaten up or get someone with whom I cannot exchange a word. I swear that nobody that I was attracted to (and honestly, where I live I feel I can be attracted to 80% of the population from the physical point of view) chat me up in the last year, actually, let me think, 4, but they wanted only one thing or they were married. maybe I am just not attractive enough for the good guys..
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (5 May 2011):
And, do you like nice guys ? Do you give them a chance ?
I don't want to be ingenerous and just assume that because you are good looking you must be an airhead. But ,if you rate yourself, and are rated, a 9, maybe you 'll look only for guys who are 8 or 9 themselves. Which is understandable, but strongly shrinks your dating pool.
Or maybe it's about money, they have to make at least a cetain amount of money, or about education, only over a certain level. Or you exclude some ethnicities or religions. Etc.etc.
I don't say it's wrong, as a matter of fact I've got my own share of hung ups, but at least I was and am aware of that , it's not an inconscious process. While maybe yours can be.
I mean, apparently all you ask its that your man won't be crazy or a creep, that should leave plenty of options , particularly to a very good looking girl. But, is that all you really ask ?... Is it really enough that he would be a nice, respectful, kind, non promiscuos guy ?... For some reason, I don't think so.
Mind you, I am not criticizing you, one wants what he/she wants, and if you want a guy who is nice and also good looking and athletic and rich and educated and in your age range and childless and this and that- that's your choice. But obviously it will be much more difficult to find him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, the fact is: nobody can say that I am too beautiful, I think I fall in the "pretty" category at the best, and I am always those two/three kilos overweight to prevent me looking at my best. Also unfortunately I fall in the "too smart" category too, so probably that's intimidating, but what can I do?
That's who I am..
I tried the shy guy, and he had a secret life into amateur pornography, so after that I stick with people who talk a lot, at least it's easier to spot when they are lying..
Smart guys always look for younger women, and actually I have met maybe two? single men that I could relate to in the last year or so, the others are all taken and I don't do the married guy thing.
And I do travel a lot. I pray every day for a nice guy.. nobody can say that I don't like nice guys ;-)
And I am also going on with my life, following projects etc. Maybe it's just my destiny to be alone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011): "All pretty women have some admirers, I have none, only creeps that want to use me or crazy guys that I have to leave before they destroy my life :( nice guys don't like me, why?"
You're like so many women I know OP, you're far too picky and you don't count guys that you don't like when you consider guys who are interested in you.
You say you have no admirers, you say none, yet you then say that you do but they're crazy so they don't count. That's a load of crap OP, even "crazy guys" count. So you have plenty of options you just don't count the guys because they don't fit into your lofty standards, because you're so "pretty".
OP if the guys you end up dating are crazy then you need to take a good long look at the kind of guys you are attracted to. Because crazy seems to be your type. I have no doubt you get lots of attention but you probably blow off a lot of guys because you don't get moist at the sight of them. I bet if a guy has even the most minor of physical flaws you won't even give him a second look. Correct me if I'm wrong but I find that is usually the case with women that complain that no "nice guys" are interested in them. I find it gas because I go out on a session with those girls and plenty of nice guys try and chat them up and I point that out to them and they say "Oh Him? no I wouldn't date him he's not attractive at all, or he's a bit bald, or he seems nice but I'm just not blown away by him"
I could be wrong about all this and maybe you think I am, but be honest with yourself and have a long think about whether I'm right, even if you don't want to believe it then just see if I am.
I can honestly say the women I know that complain of these things are the ones that don't actually want "nice guys", they want a far too specific personalized version of a nice guy, they have their own interpretation of what a "nice guy" is and they restrict themselves greatly because of that. I mean they may date a guy that is very nice and one minor thing about him that takes him out of that perfect little mold they have the "perfect guy" and they dump him.
Op we all have prerequisites that we want in another person but they can't be set in stone, loyal, trustworthy, fun, funny and attractive are the only things that matter. If you have a certain idea of what you want and you won't settl for guys that don't fit into that you're going to be alone for the rest of your life.
Say you have a preference for taller guys, then you cut out a huge part of the dating pool, maybe you also prefer lean physiques that's another restriction, maybe you also need that guy to be able to make you laugh out loud after every sentence, maybe you want a guy with a good career, his own house and car, no kids. You see what I'm getting at OP?
Have a nice long think about all the things you want in a man and then think about the things that are really important, strip away all the superficial ones and get right down to the core.
I find that most requirements are negotiable. My basic requirements are that they can't have cheated in the past, I don't care about the details of their cheating, if it was a phase etc, I just don't date cheaters and that includes people who have been the woman that guy cheated with. I don't date girls with a huge amount of debt, they value money too much and they make bad choices with it, hence no future with them and I never date girls that are best friends with their ex I make allowances for women who have a child with their ex but I thread cautiously and if I find out they'd been toegther after their break up even once then I'm gone. Other than that I will give anyone I'm attracted to a chance.
Start giving guys you wouldn't normally consider, a chance. People can surprize you.
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reader, Cerberus_Raphael +, writes (5 May 2011):
Perhaps they are intimidated by you. A lot of beautiful, perfectly lovely women feel insecure because a lot of men themselves lack confidence enough to approach a woman like you, much less to hold a conversation.
I'm sure there are men who like you, don't think there's anything wrong with you. Just where do you look for men? Maybe that's the problem. I don't think singles groups are right for you, try looking in other places. Coffee shops, bookstores even. Don't look in pubs or anywhere a psycho would hang out. Look in places a decent man would go. Don't feel bad about yourself, you know for a fact your the woman most guys are searching for, a beautiful, joyful woman who'd make everyone around her smile. Its not you, its just the places your looking that's the problem.
Do you travel a lot? Meeting people abroad might work for you, meeting people on tour groups. Go with a friend or family and don't worry too much about finding someone. People often find things when they aren't looking for it, that is doubly true for things like this.
I hope that helps.
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female
reader, LW  +, writes (5 May 2011):
I would suggest looking at a different type of person to the type you are naturally attracted to if you haven't already.
Date a different type of man. A smart intelligent type. Doesn't necessarily have to be pretty to look at.
Give other's a chance.
To me it just seems like you don't like nice guys not the other way around judging by your average on hot or not!
Give it a go I can almost assure you you will find a good guy soon. Just go for your opposite type. Maybe a shy sensitive guy? :)
Have fun exploring!
Good luck
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