A
female
age
36-40,
*uick_q_and_a
writes:My boyfriend and I are recently having a problem communicating, and I'm wondering what I can do.Here's the background: We've been dating seriously for almost four years and plan to move in together this summer. We're both adults with stable lives and in general, we are very much in love with one another; the majority of our time spent together is happy, mature and healthy.But like any couple, sometimes we have disagreements. I've lately been working really hard not to blow up over the small stuff, and to make sure that my acting emotional/frustrated doesn't fan the flames of what should be a small fire.Basically, I think before I speak, try to talk calmly, try not to place blame, and basically use every sort of mature communication skill I know. My thought is always that if we talk about the issue, we will solve it. I don't want a small thing to get repressed only to come back later and be worse. And I think this ability to talk things through is especially important with our taking the next step of living together.My boyfriend never wants to hear it, though. If we've had a tiff on Sunday, and on Monday I bring it up to try to talk it through, he accuses me of creating an argument. He says that clearly we're over it, because we've been being nice to each other on that day. In my mind that doesn't mean anything is solved, simply that we put it aside until we calmed down. The more I try to talk about the issue, the more he'll moan that I'm ruining a nice day, or say that I'm right and he was wrong in a really blatant attempt to just halt the conversation.I've tried my best to calmly explain that when he doesn't talk things out with me it only makes things worse. But he really doesn't seem to get it, and no matter how I approach it he feels that I'm bringing things up unecessarily.How can I help him understand that if we both work on communicating better, the relationship will be better? And espeically, how do I help him understand the idea of maintainting a relationship through good communication, when even bringing it up makes him think I'm starting a fight over nothing? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (6 May 2011):
Hi there. As much as you love each other, because you haven't actually said here what exact things it is that you disagree upon, it's a bit difficult to give an opinion.
It also depends on what kinds of things you differ on or argue about on a regular basis. The chances are that they are probably almost the same things over and over again.
You say that you try hard not to sweat the small stuff, which is good. But most differences between two people in a relationship - any relationship - are mostly small stuff!
For instance, do you - like someone else said here, complain to him about leaving the toilet seat up after he uses it? Or some other such very minor thing?
Perhaps it's just really simple things, like you do something one way and he does it another way. These are differences we all have, and it's what makes us all unique.
And it's our attitude towards those differences that is really important. If we find that we can't tolerate or accept another person's little foibles, well then we probably shouldn't be in any relationship.
Because over time, if a person's faults are all that you focus on, well then all you will do is continually try to find fault in just about everything that they do. That is not only unreasonable, but also unrealistic.
There is no such thing as perfect. That is a complete fallacy. If you are looking for perfection in another human being, you are never never going to find it - not in this lifetime anyway.
You see what is considered to be perfect, is different to every single individual on Earth, and no two will have the same idea of perfection. That's why it doesn't exist. It's only a perception of what someone thinks and nothing more. What suits all of their desires in a partner.
More often than not, these faults - which we all have - are far too small and insignificant to even bother with, as they really don't affect the relationship overall, one way or another. They are simply habits.
No matter how much you love and are in love with each other, it does not automatically mean that you are both exactly the same way in every aspect of your life. Of course to be a couple at all, you obviously have a lot of things in common - otherwise, you wouldn't be together in the first place. That's understood.
In a relationship, it's far more positive to close your eyes to the minor faults a person has and to focus instead, on their positive traits. And I'm sure that he has many, many positive traits - otherwise, you wouldn't love him as much as you do. Nor would you be together now. Four years together proves that.
Yes good communication is important, but more in the way of being open and honest with each other on a general basis. Especially on decisions to be made that are large ones that will affect the relationship - for instance, if one of you is offered a job in your field of expertise, and the new job is in another town or state. This is without a doubt, something definitely worth talking about and discussed, as it could involve moving away from where you live.
I realize that at the moment, you are not yet living together, so this doesn't come into play right now. But as you are considering moving in together soon, it might be something that later comes up for you both. In other words, major decisions that will affect both parties, that's what we are talking about here.
Unless you are talking about major things that you continually argue on (or at least differ on), and you can live with them, well then they are probably not worth arguing over at all.
On the other hand, if what you are differing on is more that you want to talk about every little difference between you and every little thing that he does wrong - the toilet seat for example - Well then, you are probably just wasting your time even trying.
As I was saying earlier, your relationship can be whatever you want it to be, just so long as you focus on what is good. Forget about the minor negative stuff, it really doesn't matter.
Men often keep things inside of them, because they can work it out for themselves. Women on the other hand, are the talkers. We want to talk about just about anything.
Sometimes, silence is golden. It really is.
Another thing about focussing on the positive things, is that when you do that and no attention is paid to the negative stuff, well then the negative stuff just seems to fade away and virtually cease to exist.
It's called the Law of Attraction.
What you focus on most, you bring more of into your life and it seems to manifest itself automatically.
Focus on the positive only, and there will be more and more of those positive things come into your life.
It also works the same way on negative things. If you focus only on the negative things, they also manifest more of themselves into your life.
Relationships are about total acceptance, faults and all.
But I also think that you are considering whether you are taking a risk in wanting to move in together, which is probably why you are thinking there is a problem, when there actually isn't. That seems to be more the problem I believe, than communication. You want to be sure that it's going to work out well, and that it's the right decision.
You can actually try too hard. I think that you are doing that now.
So just relax more and let things happen, if things have been good for 4 years up to date, well then they will continue to go well if you don't worry too much.
You don't want to sabotage it altogether, and you are heading in that direction now.
I believe you have a fear of failure. That if you move in together, it won't work out.
Your fear is way out of proportion to the reality.
There is no reason for your relationship to fail, unless you keep having the fear that it will.
Remember, the Law of Attraction.
A
male
reader, Jmtmj +, writes (5 May 2011):
 Some problems, minor tiffs, little annoyances shouldn't spill into another day if you ask me. Maybe its just a guy thing, but if you talk about every little insignificant problem- you may see it as communicating and helping solve the problem.
However, if its something small from yesterday- its already solved in our eyes- water under the bridge. Doesn't need bringing up again and when it is- it comes across as nagging or unnecessarily bringing up a problem that we'd already ticked off as "solved". Who really wants to spend their day talking about problems and feelings all the time anyways?
Generalizing of course, but that's how I see it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011): He's acting like a child. There may be some kind of pent of aggression from when he was a child.
I personally suggest going to see a therapist, together or apart. This is a more deep seeded thing than you may think. A third party always helps since they don't take sides but just try to help you work through it.
Or try making it a game. Every week try to change one thing that bugs you about the other and try to change it. Start small...
"I don't like when you leave the toliet seat up" "I don't like when you leave your make up sprawled in the bathroom" and then work your way to the more serious stuff.
Or he's just a child in a man's body and you should leave the guy since he can't handle the tiffies... how's he going to handle the big stuff?
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