A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone.This is my question. Is it possible a married man could be falling for you instead of wanting an affair? Or are all these guys the same, wanting their cake and eating it, too?How do you know he is not truly happy in his marriage and this is why he is having feelings for you? Maybe you are the right one and his wife isn't? Or is this being totally naive?Me and this married man like each other but I have put the brakes on it because I am afraid of how I am feeling and of the consequences. I don't talk to him anymore or see him anymore. Really I am trying to do the right thing even though my heart is telling me different. I am in an unhappy relationship myself.How will I ever know if we were meant to be together? What if we are both unhappy in our relationships and want to be together? How will I ever know we had a chance if I am letting him go now?Can you tell me what he would do or how he would act if he really cared about me and was serious about being with me and not wanting to be with his wife anymore? And, should I be acting nicer towards him and not avoiding him?Some of my friends say he is coming around me because he wants to have an affair. If I believe them, he would not be the person I think he is. All the good qualities I see in him will suddenly vanish because he will now become a player who wants to cheat on his wife. But how do I REALLY know whether he is a player who just wants an affair or somebody who has really fallen for me? Isn't it possible for some married men to just fall for another person without being a selfish pig? Is there some test I can put him through????
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2011): LoveGirl,This lady isn't his mistress. Looks like she is trying to avoid becoming one.We know all about affairs and how most of them end up.You didn't address her question. She was asking how would she know this married fellow really cares about her and doesn't want to just have an affair with her?Looks like you are saying it is not possible for the man to have feelings for her because she would just end up being his mistress (IF she allowed it)?Peace.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2011): Personally I only know 1 affair couple who made it as a 'normal couple'. Others just fizzled out. They tried but couldn't do the 'couple thing'. Which basically meant that the wife was the right one and not the mistress.Very very few men choose their mistresses. Strangely enough the men I know did not think their mistress was worth it/ the old, if she f*cks around with me, she will f*ck around on me.Whether the wife is the chosen one or not is not important: the married man makes a choice. And that is important.If we collate all the info from the cheating section, the stats will reflect that the mistress is only 'chosen' as the exception and not the rule. LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2011): I don't agree with the last post.WOMEN HOLD ALL THE CARDS, not have the deck stacked up against them. Women have all the power. If a man wants sex, he is going to have to work for it. Because a woman can withhold it for as long as she wants to. A man will not outlast her this way ever.Without the woman's go ahead, nothing ever happens. No matter what, the guy will have to do most of the chasing if the woman is worth catching. And men can also get emotionally involved with a woman. Men can have feelings for a woman and feel attached to her. It isn't all just physical. Oftentimes it is the man who is left heart broken.So, maybe men can have sex more casually but if this lady knows what she is doing, she will not give in to him sexually. This way she is holding all the power she needs to have. If he truly cares for her, he will leave his wife, no matter what the circumstances are. And he will go and be with this woman. He will tell her exactly how he feels. But he will never do this if she starts to have sex with him and gives him what he wants.Honestly, I think the less interested she appears in the guy, the more he will find he is interested in her. Maybe he needs to be shaken up. Maybe he has to see that she is not going to be there for him waiting. He might need to realize he has these feelings for her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2011): The problem for women in this situation is they are always over come by their emotions. This leaves them vulnerable to the guy who way more often than not is just trying to play something on the side. This is a generalization but one that reflects the usual out come in affairs.Rarely do you see the women get one over on the guy. It happens, but the dynamics between men and women stacks the deck against the woman.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2011): I left an unhappy marriage for my mistress. It was a good move, although not done in a good way. I deeply regret the hurt I caused my ex wife. But the hurt went both ways for years. So what I'm saying is, first, men do leave marriages that are bad...sometimes not to be with someone else, sometimes to be with a better partner. Second, I know the latter is frowned upon, but people deserve to be happy and things don't always go by the book. You are sometimes placed before choices and opportunities that cant be passed up.This guy may be a player, or just realizing he needs out. Deceit is never good, but his actions may not be all that dishonorable. He may just long for companionship. It may not be a full blown date, but he really should break things off with his wife first...if not for his relationship, he should consider it so you two can get off to a good start.I can say the hardest part of an affair when the person stays with their mistress, is the dark past. You need to get a relationship off on the right foot...not cloaked in deceit and lies. May seem exciting at first, but trust me, it sucks.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2011): I have been in your situation. I was married and my "boyfriend" was married when we got together. A year later, we are now living together. He got divorced and my divorce is going through right now. You would think this is a happy ending but the answer isn't so easy. I was separated for 3 years so it was easy for me but on his end there was a lot of pain and doubt and back and forth before we ended up here. There's not a day that goes by that we both wish he would have divorced first before starting our relationship. Here are sone reasons why:His family took time to accept me (some still haven't)I had to lie to cover the humiliation of dating a married man therefore marring a happy "how we met story"Their were times my jealousy and insecurity took over and caused more issues/fights. I checked texts, emails, etc. Not something I have ever done before in any relationshipWe put extra pressure on ourselves by starting a relationship that wasn't healthy to begin with. Real true love can wait!There are many many more reasons. I love this man and he loves me but we should have waited! True love is worth waiting for. Goodluck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2011): Well, this worked for me ...
Some years ago I met an attractive, interesting man, who was interested in me and asked me on a date. I would've gone in a heartbeat, except that I knew that he was married. So I asked him why he was asking me out when he wasn't single. His response was something along the lines of, "My marriage is mostly over--my wife and I are staying together for the children. But the spark is long gone." I then asked, "If I called your wife and asked her about that, would she say the same thing?"
He was silent and couldn't look me in the eye, and which confirmed that he was just a player. So I told him to call me once he & his wife divorced. As I expected, I never heard from him again.
Personally, I couldn't trust someone who would break up a committed relationship because "the grass is greener" somewhere else.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2011): If you're unhappy, leave the current relationship. If you are living with him yet self-sufficient to live on your own, then that should be your goal. If you have kids, they should be your concern too.
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A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours  +, writes (24 March 2011):
 If he really is unhappy with his wife, then he will divorce her regardless of who else enters his life. If the real problem is between him and her, then he will solve that before he will move on to anyone else. Even if you did talk to him and get with him and he left his wife FOR YOU, then you were just something that deviated his path in life. You don't want to be an interruption or have anything to do with the corruption of his marriage. Just let his marriage do what it will do without your guidance or influence, and then you will have your answer.
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A
male
reader, Nona1  +, writes (24 March 2011):
It is 100% possible for a married man to be in love with you. I was married when I got involve with somebody 11 years ago. I still love her more than any thing in my life , though she used me to get a stay in the country and now left me for a younger man. I still can't getover it and would take her back evan after 5 years. I love her If you really want to make sure , just ignore him and cut him off completely . If he love you , he won't be able to stay without you .but b strong for 4 weeks.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2011): Run away, I have been in your shoes , he left me once he got what he wanted. He did say he love me, want to be with me, divorce his wife and have kids ...etcHe did fail the test and at the end he show me he is a real coward.I still can't belive I have bought that all crapp he was selling to me everyday..
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A
female
reader, bernergirl +, writes (24 March 2011):
 I am going to echo what everyone is saying. He needs to mend it or end it before he even thinks of getting involved with you! Now, here is where I am going one step further....Are you being naïve?....in a word...yes. Sweetie look at it this way, google statistics of relationships that last out of infidelity....its less than 10%. And I have a feeling that within the 10% there is infidelity. He needs to take time to grieve the end of a relationship, otherwise issues that came up in that relationship, will come up in yours and (it won't be your fault) but he will find away to turn it on you. Plus you don't want to be the rebound relationship. I would just tell him no (it will probably make him want you more) but you can do so much better than a married man. Have faith in yourself and find a man that will make him roll with envy! Good luck doll!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2011): that's a tough one. I agree with the other posters, he needs to leave his wife before you can fully committ to him and trust him. But it's hard.Let's say he takes a leap of faith and leaves his wife for you. And you don't work out? Was it worth it? Better alone and unhappy? Or married and unhappy? It's a tough choice.If you feel a connection, spend time with him, get to know him, make sure you connect on a deeper level than just sex. DO NOT make love to him until he LEAVES his wife. It will be hard to with-hold, but that way you are giving him the security he NEEDS to leave if he truely is unhappy, while not being a tramp. (For lack of a better word)
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (24 March 2011):
 hi if he doesn't want to be with his wife he would have left her already, looks like he either wants an affair or is looking to leave her but not until he has got someone (you) lined up like a stepping stone. either way, is THIS the sort of man that you think deserves you?? could you ever really trust him in a relationship with you, knowing that he has no moral problem with cheating and leaving a marriage/relationship for someone else?xx
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 March 2011):
 my relationship with my boyfriend started when I was still married and living with my then husband. he knew about it but he was not happy but I did not care.he left me and I did not stop him because I wanted to be with my boyfriend. IF your man wanted to be with you he would leave his wife or at least not stop her if she tried to leave and he would set it up to be caught in some way to force the hand that would make him leave.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 March 2011):
 A HONEST man would divorce his wife is he was truly unhappy with her. Divorce these days are a dime a dozen(though a LOT more expensive).If you are currently in a relationship and HE is currently in one, figure out WHAT and WHO you want and make it happen. Cheating is NOT going to hurt your SO any less then leaving them is. Living a lie and deceiving people they claim to love tells a lot about a person, don't you think?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (24 March 2011):
 I echo everyone else. If he (and you, actually) are in unhappy relationships, then end them before pursuing a relationship of your own. If he's truly falling for you and has all of these wonderful attributes, then his actions, not his words, are the only true judge of character.Otherwise, it's all feelings, and feelings are incredibly fickle. He could feel all of these things for you as an escape from his married life, yet when the reality of losing his wife and/or kids presents itself, he could drop you and stay with her, leaving you devastated. Likewise, if you're also in an unhappy relationship, he wouldn't be the only cheater. You would also be cheating on someone that you have professed love to. How do you know that your feelings for this guy aren't also an escape and not an indicator of true direction?You know by your own actions. If you're unhappy, leave the current relationship. If you are living with him yet self-sufficient to live on your own, then that should be your goal. If you have kids, they should be your concern too. It makes things messy when third parties enter the scene. You being unhappy shouldn't be exacerbated by cheating, because that happiness is only a mirage. That goes for him too.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (24 March 2011):
 A man who is truly unhappy in his marriage would file for divorce. Do you want to be his number second? No matter what good qualities you think he has, he has a wife. How great does that make you feel, how special does that make you feel? If he's unhappy he can get a divorce, not a mistress.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2011): Please don't get involved with a married man. Wait for him to leave her. If he doesn't leave within YOUR time limit then MOVE on.
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A
female
reader, caroline1955 +, writes (24 March 2011):
Well, if he is unhappy in his marriage , then he should divorce his wife and be with you, if he tells you he can't , then he is definitely a player! if he is not prepared to do it for you and for himself , then he doesn't deserve you..and if he really has something for you , he will find you, don't worry and he will do anything to be with..good luck
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (24 March 2011):
The married man would leave BEFORE starting any affair. He would leave, he would sort out the after effects (children, money, house etc), then he would start a relationship with you when enough time had passed.
If he didn't leave, and started an affair, then you'd be naive and wind up being used.
Married men and women can fall for other people, and marriages do end. BUT he would leave first, not just have an affair.
So, the test really is whether he leaves his wife for you and gets divorced. As it is, I suspect he's just a player.
I also think that you need to sort out and end your own unhappy relationship. That will be affecting your own judgement.
So, is this man willing to leave his wife? Or not? And I don't mean in a year, I mean in a month. That's the question, and it's the only one that is relevant. Other than that, forget him.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (24 March 2011):
 Wait for him to divorce his wife, that's the only true test.
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