A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:He cheated while we were dating, and I only found out about it after we got married. Thus, I didn't know he had been unfaithful when he proposed, during the engagment, or during the wedding. He cheated once, and was in touch with the person he cheated with for a few months. It stopped a few months before he proposed to me. He has been faithful since. I know that he loves me to pieces...and he has been the best boyfriend / fiance/ and now husband. Nurturing, caring, and has shown me in every way that he values my well being. He has had a rough life...He said that he regrets having cheated on me deeply, that it opened his eyes to how much he does love me, and that it tore him up to lie, but that it tore him up more inside to imagine telling me what he did and hurting me deeply (I didn't find out now from him...). He says that he feels awful about lying to me, but just kept repeating that he couldn't bare to hurt me with his mistake and betrayal. He promises that it will never happen again. And that he has learned a whole lot from the experience...My question has to do more with not being sure if somone can truly love, and lie to the person they love. I don't doubt that he believes that cheating was a mistake, but should I believe that lying to me about it was really about NOT wanting to hurt me??? And being ignorant to the fact that lies HURT!?
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male
reader, Manitobesk  +, writes (25 March 2011):
Yes, you can love and lie at the same time. The strongest motivation of this kind of lie is usually purely selfish : you do not want to lose a person/relationship/comfortable life. And then, in order to fight the guilt, you can make up excuses for yourself, the typical one being "I don't want to hurt her". This is also a lie, but a lie to oneself does not really count as a lie, does it ?
If you decide to forgive him, which I believe from what I read, you should make clear that he is on his last chance, and that another mistake would not be forgiven.
I think that an important base of any relationship is honesty. If you want to make sure that the basement of the reconstruction of your relationship is sound, make sure that no other hidden truth could make it collapse again after this crisis. You know, often when a liar is caught, he will not tell the straight truth, and keep hiding what he can hide.
Therefore, since honesty seems to count a lot for you, make clear that any similar lie about the past that you could find out in the future would not be forgiven either. Then if you feel like asking, and be ready to endure some hard time, give him a free ticket for telling you any other lie he could have been hiding, saying it's his chance to start to rebuild what his betrayals destroyed...
A
female
reader, SlaYerAddict9007 +, writes (25 March 2011):
 According to my boyfriend, it is possible. =/ I won't give personal details, but he has lied on numerous occasions, and appears to really love me....even if we don't talk a lot..I think that trust and loyalty go hand-in-hand with a relationship, and if he is really not going to lie out of fear of hurting you, then I think he is being honest. I think that everyone's been cheated on at least once in their love life, it's not pleasant though. I think that it is possible to love someone, but lie only to protect their well-being, but even then, its better to just be honest. A white lie is fine, but nothing huge.
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A
female
reader, arlamai  +, writes (24 March 2011):
I'm going to go with a different perspective, only because I myself have done something quite similar to your husband. I had been dating my boyfriend for about a year when I met a man who turned my head. What ensued was a two month emotional affair which culminated in a kiss and I ended it there. I felt dreadful as the magnitude of what I had done hit me like a ton of bricks. I was in emotional turmoil for months after, as I well deserved, agonising over if I should tell my boyfriend, hurt him like crazy and probably lose him or sit with the guilt burning away at me and ensuring I NEVER did anything like it again. I didn't deserve my boyfriend, and he didn't deserve what i had done but I kept quiet and never told a soul. I felt at the time like I was protecting my boyfriend and that I would try and turn the mistake in to something positive. It couldn't be undone and irregardless of how right it would have been to tell him, I couldn't hurt him like that and honestly? It would have made me feel a lot better to have told him.What I did do was realise that my boyfriend was the love of my life, that no-one compared and I have never strayed since (it's been 3 years). I feel sick with guilt even thinking about it and I know that I would never do it again.It is of course up to you and down to so many factors in your life, but if this is the only black mark in your relationship then I would say the trust could be built up again if he is man enough to show you. You didn't deserve what happened to you and he does not deserve forgiveness yet, but it is possible he made a grave mistake. If that is the case, take your time in thinking this through and i hope it works out for the best either way.
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A
male
reader, mr69 +, writes (24 March 2011):
 Yes! Course they can
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A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (24 March 2011):
The possible reasons he could have for lying to you:- wanting to keep you in the dark so he could continue cheating (which is not likely as you say he has been faithful since)- wanting to keep his reputation in case others found out he cheated, and also keep his reputation to you- not wanting to hurt you- not wanting to lose you- not wanting to damage the good relationshipHonestly, most of the reasons for lying about this are because he does care on some level and does not want to hurt or lose the relationship. If he didn't care, he could have just told you right away, and let you end it. The only other more selfish reason is that he is ashamed and doesn't want you, or others, to know that he cheated. I think you know that he loves you. It's now just up to you whether that's enough to forgive him and work through building the trust again. And you can now tell him that if he does betray you or anything happens, you want him to tell you himself, no matter how bad, because otherwise you will likely break up next time (if you even decide to stay this time).
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (24 March 2011):
 If he regretted cheating on you as deeply as he said he did, he would have revealed it to you and let you make a decision on whether you wanted to remain with him.He lied to you because he was afraid that you would leave him for cheating. It wasn't to spare you. It was to spare him of your adoring love for him, which would be forever scarred by his actions.Now, he is screwed. You found out about his cheating AND his lying to cover it up. His rough life doesn't even begin to be an excuse. How did you find out??Anyways, I have no doubt that he loves you, and he was terrified to lose you, to the point where he proposed and married you after he stopped the affair. But how can you trust him now? This lies in whether or not you're able to forgive him, and whether you still love him and want to work this out.If he has cheated, he could cheat again. It's also possible that what he revealed may not be the whole story. When cheaters are caught, oftentimes they only reveal a little of the real truth...just enough to satisfy their partner's anger that they "caught" him. Do you think he's really revealed everything?Trust will be slow to rebuild, if at all. The ball's in your court.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (24 March 2011):
In the case of my girlfriend cheating, it was the lie that made it worse than the cheating itself. The lie doesn't necessarily mean there is a lack of love, but there was certainly a lack of respect at that time. I think the act of lying is something most people will say is worse than the act itself. The truth is, you'll never really know whether it was to spare you, or whether it was something else. What matters now is whether you feel this man is someone you want to be with for the rest of your life. Since he cheated, you say that he's pretty much played it straight, and that he is hugely sorry. Can you trust that? Are you willing to work on that?
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