A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey guys. First time here. Hoping you can help.I have feelings for a woman who is married. She is going through some hard times in her marriage right now and seems to be struggling about whether to stay with her husband. We have been having an emotional affair for some time and have become friends. My marriage is shaky, too and I am contemplating leaving. I would really like to be with her and approach her with how I feel. Up until now, I have never told her how I really feel but I suspect she might already know. Should I get closer to her now that her marriage is in trouble and tell her how I feel? Or should I back off and let her sort it out? I am not sure how to proceed. I really want to be with her and I will find it hard to give her space. I am not sure if she will need space or if she will need me to be there to pick up the pieces. What would be the right thing to do? I don't want to come across as some sleaze ball who is trying to take advantage of her at a weak time, trying to move in for the kill, so to speak. And I am not sure if leaving her alone completely or avoiding her is the solution.Thanks.
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female
reader, rocc  +, writes (28 May 2011):
First you should see if she can sort her marraige out. Has she done that, and if hasn't still worked, then she would leave herself. Its nice to give her time.
If she really loves you, you both will be together anyway.
A
female
reader, Godchild +, writes (28 May 2011):
Honestly back off. . . She is an emotional wreck. I was in her shoes and still is give her time to cope. No one likes a rebound and she might end up blaming you for her marriage getting worse.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2011): With her marriage in trouble she has enough on her plate. Knowing of your attraction to her will only distract her from doing what she needs to do. You know fine well that telling her how you feel will likely lead to a physical affair, not just an emotional one. And if she gets from you what she's lacking in her marriage, she'll have less incentive to leave it or fix it. You'll both end up in limbo. A lose lose situation.Not to mention the fact that she will need time on her own to regroup and re-discover herself as an individual before plunging head first into yet another heavy commitment. If you want long term happiness you'll have to make some short term sacrifices. Keep your feelings to yourself. Let her sort herself out. When the dust has settled and if your friendship has remained intact, then explore the possibility.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (26 May 2011):
 back off and leave her be. women very rarely will leave their husbands for another man. you'll more than likely get hurt. she has a moral as well as legal obligation to her husband. if she took 100% of her effort and invested it in rejuvinating her marriage, she'd have a healthy relationship with her husband.i would really recommend backing off of this woman. be there for her as a friend and as someone who offers advice and a shoulder to cry on. but not some guy she commits adultery with. if she winds up leaving her husband, then give her some time, and then make a move. but don't push for anything further while she's still with this man.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2011): "I don't want to come across as some sleaze ball who is trying to take advantage of her at a weak time, trying to move in for the kill, so to speak. "
You don't want to appear as a sleazeball to her but what about to your wife?
You are not being fair to your wife. But by all accounts it seems as though u will leave your wife for nothing. This woman will have years of back and forth with her hb. She will string you along and before u know it, you will be well into your 40s.
Instead of waiting around for one marriage to fail, start working on your own. Your marriage is in the state it is bec you have disinvested from it while embarking on this affair with the MW.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (26 May 2011):
you shouldn't be setting things in motion with her until you've made a break from your wife.
what's stopping you from leaving your wife if you want to be with someone else? Conversely, what's preventing you from backing off from your friend if you still feel loyalty to your wife and marriage?
sort your home situation out first before you try to set up something else.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2011): I think the right thing to do is in this order:1. decide what to do about your own marriage without any guarantee the other woman will be available. If you decide not to divorce your wife, then cease and desist anything with this other woman.2. if you decide to leave your wife, then do so concretely. File for divorce. 3. when you've left your wife, tell the other woman how you feel. If she's still married, you can tell her how you feel but then back off and let her decide on her own what she wants to do.4. if she leaves her husband then you two can be together. If she decides not to leave her husband, then you should look for someone else who's also single.A lot of people get stuck at step 1. They are in crappy marriages but don't want to leave because they're still getting something from it like financial security or status or access to their kids. these are selfish reasons and is a messy place to be in. Another reason people never get past step 1 is because they are too afraid to be alone. That's why they're still in their crappy marriages, waiting for someone new that they can set up a new relationship first before ending their old one. This sounds like it takes care of your emotional needs and makes for a smooth transition for you, but it isn't honorable. If you don't want to be with your wife and be fully committed to her, then the honorable thing to do is to leave and be single for awhile no matter how uncomfortable it feels. Your wife would be alone if you left her, so you should be prepared to do the same without the security of another relationship waiting for you.If you're single, I don't see a problem with telling the other woman how you feel, but then I would back off and let her decide what to do with that information on her own. The point is to give her information so she can make her own decision, not to manipulate her into doing what you want her to do which is leave her marriage. Yes this may mean she decides not to leave her husband after all because maybe she can't get past Step 1 herself either. so you should then cross her off the list and move on and find someone who's also single.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2011):
Let me help you:
"I don't want to come across as some sleaze ball who is trying to take advantage of her at a weak time, trying to move in for the kill, so to speak. And I am not sure if leaving her alone completely or avoiding her is the solution."
If you don't leave her to sort out her marriage on her own then you will be a sleaze ball. Tell her that you need her to figure out her marriage and get back to you and that you will be waiting. In the meantime, ask yourself the same questions about your own marriage.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2011): I've just spent months agonizing over a similar (not quite the same, but similar enough) situation.After countless hours of thinking on this, and sleepless nights, and consultation with a few different people, I've come to the conclusion you must steer clear of the married woman. I am as close to depression as I have been in 22 years because of this decision. The problem is, you simply cannot win in this situation. If you think it through carefully you will see. You are going down, don't take the ship with you. Man up, and suggest to this married woman she needs to fix her marriage. Step away, and try to fix yours. If after a year or two you are both single, proceed. But you will never prevail if you influence her to end her marriage. Telling her how you feel will do this. Then, a year or two down the road, when she is full of remorse, guess who she is going to blame? You just cannot win. It is an awful situation to be in and I sympathize with you. Good Luck.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (26 May 2011):
 If you have already given up on your own marriage why don't you be decent enough to end it officially. On one hand you are trying to be decent and rightious but on the other hand you're stringing along your wife when you're emotionally absent form the marriage. Of course your marriage is shaky, you're focused on another woman!
I don't agree with your definition of friends either. Friends go to ball games, out for a beer and help eachother out when needed. You said yourself that you've both allowed yourselves to become emotionally involved. It happens all the time.....one person sad, other person moves in, sad person pours out heart, other person says all the right things, sad person now focuses on other person instead of marriage, other person likes the attention and sees a weak spot, sad person falls for other person........
You mention that you don't know what the solution is. I'd bet I know what you want it to be. You see, you're not really fit to be her councelor because you have a vested interest in her that hinges on undermining her marriage. How can you give her sound advice? You can't because your advice is based on what suits you, not her or her marriage. Do you see what I mean?
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (25 May 2011):
 I don't want to come across as some sleaze ball who is trying to take advantage of her at a weak time, trying to move in for the kill, so to speak.
i'm sorry to say this but that is exactly how you will come across if you try to be there for her as the 'friendly shoulder to cry on' would you be so interested in supporting her if you weren't keen to get into her yourself?
be honest to yourself about your motives here. you have not even told her how you feel or discussed any of this? does she even realise that she is in an 'emotional affair'?
you own marriage sounds like it is in crisis so i think you should address this one way or another. what you have to understand is that some people carry on for years in marriages where they are arguing and then making up and it just becomes the dynamic of the relationship, like they enjoy the fireworks! so be careful you don't throw away your own marriage (and family?) for the sake of a woman who may keep you on a piece of string for the times that she is not on good terms with hubby.
if you seriously want to be with her i suggest you back off until you know her marriage is well and truly OVER
x
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (25 May 2011):
 Take care of your own business before you start butting into someone else's.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2011): Back off....this woman is married and so are you. Sorry to be so blunt but there are also children involved here and if her marriage isn't going to work for whatever reason then they need to seperate amicably with no one else interfering. if they do split up and you are also single by that point to and still feel the same then approach her and tell her. It would be unfair not only on her but her husband, her children and your wife and family. You made a committment to your wife and she did to to her husband and you should try and work at things and if you have worked at things then do things properly, be single for a while don't jump from one relationship to another!!
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